Tonight I am wide awake grieving. Grieving for the man I fell in love with and grieving for the woman I used to be. I wrote two letters tonight, one to the husband I originally fell in love with and one to the man I am married to now. I miss who he was and how he loved, but as far as I know that person never existed to begin with. The man that has replaced him is far from the ideal I had in my head of the man I was marrying. I've come to terms with this for the most part (of course it still hurts). But, the woman I am is also so far from who I used to be. I miss the patience I had. I miss the innocence and hope and pure joy I used to have. I miss the dreams I used to have. And sometimes I just sit and cry because I am 19 YEARS OLD and I am missing a version of myself that existed just a few short years ago. I am so young to hold so much pain. Watching my friends live carefree lives and chase their dreams hurts sometimes. I know I am young and I have a lifetime ahead of me to work on myself, but the trauma I've endured will stay with me for a long time. I miss not having a weight on my chest. Don't get me wrong, I have gained many things: communication skills, long suffering, an ability to unconditionally love. I am stronger than I ever believed I could be. And I love who I am when I am wholeheartedly loving someone else. But at this point, who knows if I will ever truly be able to love someone else that way. I need to heal but how do you even begin?
I appreciate everyone on this website so much. Just knowing other people have walked the road I have walked, have carried the same burden, and have dealt with the same issues is so reassuring to me.
Grieving
Submitted by HopingForChange on 04/25/2020.
May you be safe
Submitted by Sanvean on
Dear HopingForChange,
"People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear for the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar." (Thich Nhat Hanh)
Having read your story a few days ago I can only hope that you can move forward with your life and are able to heal all of your suffering. It seems that your husband has traumas of his own and possibly other disorders apart from ADHD. He will definitely not change but you can. You have all of your life ahead of you and shouldn't be living like this. Please try to take the steps necessary to change this situation: reach out to a friend or family member, go to therapy, be part of a group of people with similar situations, work on healing yourself, etc. I know that with the current situation with the COVID19 you won't be able to do much but please try to do something.
No one should ever go through abuse. If someone loves you he/she should respect you and won't harm you in any way. You're too young and have all your life ahead of you. Remember that you're not alone, I'm sure most of us on this forum will at least offer good advice and comfort you.
Take care,
Sanvean
Try to be at peace with the realistic view....
Submitted by c ur self on
My late wife was 19...I was 20 when we married.....If she could have controlled things (she was a kind and meek person who had been sheltered and spoiled, immature) there would have been very few meals (she could not cook) very little sex (she had been molested at age 14 or 15, by a brother in law, and hide it deep in her subconscious...She would work (her public job) and she did own her responsibilities, she wasn't a blamer, only blamed herself showed self disappointment, which to a degree (in hind site) came from my living of life.....She became dependent quiet quickly....
I on the other hand was mature when it came to the responsibilities of adult living, (for 20) but, not in character attributes, like putting myself in someone else's shoes, patients and understanding of difference's...I set rules and goals, that was mostly based on my fear of failure, and my baggage that came along w/ someone who was raised at or near poverty level, by a divorced single mother...I was the strong guy, who worked hard on the job, and in the home...I could cook, and clean and didn't mind doing it...And I was never to tired for sex, and wanted it often...I was driven and thought everyone should be...My expectations for life and marital sharing, overwhelmed the reality of what she could muster day to day...
By the time I was 25, I realized I knew very little about loving others, and accepting them...I knew I had chosen a mate for all the wrong reasons...Mostly guilt, because we had been active sexually and she was in love with me (emotionally) as I was her...How could I live with myself if I didn't step up and do the "right thing" ??....Sin begat's Sin..... But in hind site we had nothing much in common.....
I say all this to you to say, the reality of being 19 lends itself to a lot of struggles when it comes to the realties of adult living, adult responsibility, and just how much you will continue to grow and learn about all parts of life....
I didn't physically abuse my wife, I did however abuse her mentally and emotionally at times, just by placing unrealistic expectations on her in those early years....Many women would have called my desires for life at age 20 normal, because they could and would match them...And then their are other young women (I imagine) who would have desired an even more aggressive life than myself.....
Look at the reality of your situation, detach from it emotionally (fly on the wall) Look at it like you were going to give advice to a friend who was scared and thinking every decision was the end the world, which is immaturity...(immaturity isn't a bad thing, it's a fact of life for everyone, we are always living and learning until we are no more)
There are deal breakers in every marriage relationship....And I don't mean divorce when i use that term....Physical abuse is just one of those musts where we get out of the presents of an individual....This is what you would tell any girl friend you have....NO NO...you would say, never allow yourself to be so abused, and so endangered....
I understand you wish it wasn't so...(who among us doesn't want everyday to be peaceful and full of love and joy?) But, if you truly love him...Do what is best for him...Force him to grow, and learn the needs of the man in the mirror...(At this point based on your post, he is unfit to be in a marriage relationship) The bible instructs husbands to love their wives, like they love themselves...Your 20 year old husband doesn't know how to love himself....Life and all it's lessons can be a pain in the butt....But we need to heed them, learn and grow.... Until his spirit changes to one of peace, and that is under control....He's not fit to interact with on a intimate level...None of us would be.....
Bless you...Praying for you both...
c