I am blown away! So H didn't get me anything for my birthday and then yesterday, about 1 1/2 weeks after my birthday, I get a package. I open it and find a pullover, half zip-up sweater he got for me. I mean it's nice, but it's not anything I would have bought for myself or looked twice at. I look up the website and find the sweater and it is $318!!! A SWEATER!! It is from Norway and made of 100% wool, but why on earth would he spend that much money on a sweater for me when he still can't pay his total share of the bills?! Plus, we live in Seattle so it's not like it gets so cold that you need a heavy wool sweater. On top of that, I see that he charged it to his credit card. He needs to be getting his balance down to $0 and this just canceled out all the progress he's made trying to bring it down. I am just never going to wear this. Maybe if I was as skier it would be great, but it's too darn warm to wear around here.
I just don't get his logic! I can't give you my share of the rent this month but here's a $300 sweater! And I'm sure I will hear from him just how much he spent on it and he will hold that over my head. He does one thing for me and he acts like I should bow down before him. Yet I pay his share of the bills month after month but yet I never rub that in his face.
return
Submitted by ds1977 on
Can you send the sweater back, and then put the money toward his credit card bill?
I would really like him to do
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
I would really like him to do that but I'm afraid to tell him I don't want it. He'll make a big deal about what good quality it is and how I need to have a nice, quality sweater. I'm sure he'll be hurt if I don't want it. This is why I hate Christmas (or birthday since they are just a day apart). The only person who gets me what I like is ME!
Is it possible he'll never notice whether you wear it?
Submitted by CosmicJoke on
My sympathies. I too, have a financially irresponsible ADHD husband who has bought me useless things we cannot afford, while making it tough for me to spend cash on what's needed. It sure hurts.
Suppose he'd only REACT to what YOU say/do about this garment? Suppose he's too in his own world to focus sustained attention on what you wear? Suppose you returned the sweater for a credit, applied $250 toward that credit card debt as a gift to you and your piece of mind...then spent the rest on something that gave you pleasure?
In my ADHD universe, I'm discovering that, while I cannot control what he does, I can often avoid conflict by never mentioning the screw-up. If I say something is a waste/mistake/wrong...then denial and fits. If I never mention it or call attention to the fact that I am not using it, he will NEVER NOTICE, much less fight about it. Painful? Yes. But a painful TRUTH. IF your husband ever asks asks about the sweater, perhaps you could try not answering (works for those with ADHD!) or muttering something about it being too hot to wear today or good idea--should've put it on this morning or...? Out of sight, out of mind...?
I'm finding that the more I let go of how I know things "should" work, and just look at the cards in my hand...I can take small steps to make my life a little less stressful and a bit more comforting.
Huge apologies if this advice doesn't apply, but know it's offered from a good place...The less I "tell him how I feel" and just do what I have to do, the more he enjoys being in his own world and I enjoy not being dragged into it.
Thank you for your take on
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
Thank you for your take on things. I have a feeling that he would ask about the sweater though. He doesn't notice a lot of stuff, and especially not now that he's into this video game hours every day. He's got about 5 pairs of pants that are too small for him. I asked him a few weeks ago to lay those out so I could take them to Goodwill and he said he would and a few minutes later was playing his game and not another word about them. If I took them to Goodwill myself, no doubt the next day he would say "Where did my pants go?" even though he never looks at them. I have taken to throwing away things that have sat in a corner for over a year without being touched. He just piles crap everywhere and I take the liberty to get rid of it without asking. Like this metronome he just HAD to have to practice his guitar. He used it once last year and has been collecting dust ever since. I tossed that. Old pictures and books that sit around in the same place I toss. Pieces of paper with scribbles and random numbers I toss. Literally there could be a corner of a piece of paper with random numbers on it sitting on the counter for weeks without moving. After a month I toss it and the next day I hear "Where's that piece of paper? It had a security code on it".
Return it.
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
If he can't give you rent money this month, he won't be able to give you rent money next month when he makes payments towards that sweater.
You're hurt that he's not paying his share of bills.
Don't even tell him that you're returning it...just do it. You weren't going to wear it anyway...so he won't likely even notice. Even with the credit on his bill, he likely won't even realize....ADHD people often don't notice things like that.
If he does later notice the credit or notice that you're not wearing it, tell him there was a flaw in the sweater so it needed to be returned. There was a big flaw....it was unaffordable and not right for your climate. huge flaw.
Return it.
Return the f*****g sweater
Submitted by NotAnIdiot on
I am an ADHD husband. Please let me apologize to you, Mapper, on behalf of my fellow lunatics. My wife returns everything I get her. In fact I would be shocked if she ever kept anything. If you don't act on the sweater now, and by that I mean return it, you set a bad precedent. Henceforth you will start to accumulate a treasure trove of absurdities , and he will be in a happy state of complete denial. When it comes to birthdays, Christmas , etc., my wife and I have this unspoken agreement. A month before the occasion we go walking through the mall, and she matter-of-factly points to various girl things and says "I like that." Then I write it down. She is never disappointed.
Oh and now THIS blows me away!
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
So his daughter's Christmas presents are STILL sitting in a box on our table waiting to be sent to her. I ask him yesterday if he plans on sending them to her or if he's going to wait until next Christmas now. He gets all uppity and says "I'll send them when I send them. She's not doing me any favors. She doesn't respond to any of my texts". Oooook. She hasn't had any contact with you since July so why did you bother even buying her ANYTHING for Christmas if that was going to be your attitude? She responded "Thanks" after she got her birthday presents back in October and he didn't even get that response until 2 days later when he asked her if she got them. Since her birthday he has texted her HappyThanksgiving, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, asked if she got her game that was sent to her from Amazon, texted her we got kittens and nothing got any response from her. So now he's apparently witholding her presents until he hears from her. Well that ain't going to happen! You can send her thousands of dollars of stuff but you still wont' hear a peep out of her.
Then last night he tells me "I'm going to send my niece $100 so she can get a bike for her son" Whaaaaa? This is a niece he hasn't seen in over 20 years and she has 3 kids by 2 different men who are no longer around and he's never met or spoke with her kids. I even asked what the kids names were and he says "The oldest is Michael but I don't know the names of the other two". Really? You don't even know the name of the boy who is getting the bike? He goes 'Well she's my niece and I want the kids to know who their family is. If my daughter doesn't want anything to do with me then maybe I can be an influence on their lives". You buy me a $300 sweater, give $100 to someone you really don't even know, but can't pay your share of the bills." Brilliant!
""Well she's my niece and I
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
""Well she's my niece and I want the kids to know who their family is. """
and what are YOU? You're his W and he should want YOU to know who her supporting H is. Put it that way to him.
I would demand that he explain why THAT DESIRE is more important than him paying "his share" of the rent.
You know, it's easy t impress others, which is what he's trying to do. It's more important that he impress YOU.
Seriously, that would be it for me if he sent the money since he can't pay HIS share of rent. I would tell hm this....if you send your niece $100 or anything, you can move out that same day. And I would mean it.
My H used to "go to motels" whenever he was angry at me. Then after wasting that money, we wouldn't have enough money to pay bills. So, I told him....."if you ever go to another hotel I promise I will divorce you. See my phone, there is my attorney's number in the contacts I will file immediately if you do that one more time. "
That ended that! He knows that he can't go to hotels just whenever he's mad.
Your man somehow thinks it's ok for YOU to support him and that it's ok for him to support others??
BTW....i acn guarantee that if he sent that check, the money would never get spent on a bike.....she'd spend it on herself