I recently learned about a "neuro-pschologist" in our hometown and asked H if he wanted to see him. H agreed. When making the first appt (which will be next week), the office recommended that H see a psychiatrist first to get his meds under control. Today H saw the psychiatrist. Yay. The last time H saw a psychiatrist was when he was in rehab, and H was very dishonest at that time.
Today, the psychiatrist decided that H should also see one of his office's therapists. Tomorrow is that appt. Hmmmm....this is the hurdle. The psychiatrist has several therapists that work for him, but all the female ones are too busy for a new client, so H was assigned to a male therapist Normally, that shouldn't be a problem. HOWEVER, H prefers females so that he can spend the hour "being charming" and "lying" and to get them to "pity" him. H knows (but won't admit) that a male therapist isn't going to "pity" H, because H won't be able to charm them.
Anyone else have this issue?
My husband seems to like his
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
My husband seems to like his current psychiatrist, a man, but generally, he seems to prefer receiving his health care, mental and physical, from women. I think it's for the same reasons as you mention about your husband.
OWW, It sounds like this may be best for him and you!
Submitted by c ur self on
You can be thankful he has agreed to go, so many of us don't have a spouse with enough self awareness to even make that kind of appointment...My wife gets her adderall prescription refills from her medical doctor...I think she feels like she's fine, and if I asked her to go, I'm sure it would offend her. I'm not up for that...not anymore.
I really hope this work he is doing will help you guys relationship....
Also about your original question...I was raised by my Mother, Married at age 20 and had only girls....I've got a male medical Doctor who I'm fine with, But, I would probably be just as comfortable and maybe more so with a women Doc....So its probably not to strange to want one....Besides they have smaller fingers:)
Blessings
C
H has no problem with his MD's being male....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
H has no problem with the fact that his MD's are male. However, for therapy, he wants a woman. I think it's because he can't "charm" the male therapists and they say things that he doesn't want to hear. The female therapists are too gentle. H doesn't want to hear anything that "hits too close to home," or "makes him feel bad," or "suggests that he's at fault about anything."
The last time H had a male therapist, the therapist said OUT LOUD the words that all therapists' truly believe: "how can you tell when an addict is lying? When his lips are moving." Well, H was very offended by that...even though its true.
Two of H's last three therapists were female. One was an attractive woman who H flirted with during their 3 years of sessions. I'm sure that she was professional in her manner (meaning that she never crossed any lines), except for her ability to "shut down" the nonsense. H would regale later, in detail, how he would tell her funny stories just to entertain her and make her laugh. H viewed her as an "audience," and someone who would pity him and stroke his ego. She wasn't very bright, and I warned H repeatedly that he wasn't receiving any real therapy from her. I noted to him several times that her masters degree was from a school that was very "low level," and not known to be very strong at all, in any field, particularly counseling. She was a total marshmallow. For over 2 years, H hid from her his alcoholism (she never asked and saw no signs because H put on such a "show" in her office), and was not aware of H's horrible temper. When he landed in rehab, she was as shocked as anyone, because he had misled her so much. She continued seeing him for about 6 months post rehab, but when she learned that he had not stopped drinking, she dropped him and referred him to a male therapist who specialized in addiction.
The male therapist, because he specialized in addiction, was the typical "hard ass" addiction counselor. My sibling warned me that addiction therapists are extremely tough because addicts tend to lie, distort, blame, and nearly always claim that they're not as bad as "other addicts." Well, H thinks he's the model of honesty (partly because he's in such deep denial that his "truths" aren't the truth, but he believes them to be true, so he was gravely insulted when his therapist would question, question, question...essentially giving him the "third degree" with everything H said to expose hypocrisies, inconsistencies, etc. H hated that and soon hated this therapist. Because there was an attempt at some "real therapy," rather than, "The Flirting Game," H soon dropped that therapist.
His last therapist was an older lady who was semi-retired. She was very motherly to him, and H liked that. But, in the end when she discovered that he was still drinking (H had been lying to her), she dropped him.
The current new therapist meeting seemed to have gone OK, but H has already said that he won't continue going if he gets a bad feeling from him (which likely just means if he gets some real therapy).
OW I'd Like to Hear How That Goes?
Submitted by kellyj on
I love my T. He's a man....only slightly younger than I am....has ADD....and he kicks my ass sometimes when I need it. That's called therapy in my mind! lol
In reality....he knows when to push and when not to as well. It will be interesting to see if that bad feeling he's talking about is when he gets pushed and his ass kicked a little. It's what it's all about? When my T used to not push....all he was doing was talking me down and making me more comfortable. This was in preparation for getting my ass kicked! lol
It would be poor form to kick someone while they are down wouldn't it?
J
Yes, it would be....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
I'm not suggesting that anyone kick H while he's down. I'm just tired of female marshmallows. The previous guy was really more normal, but since his actions may have seen more extreme because of comparison to the marshmallow money collectors.
I Think This Might Be a Common Mistake..
Submitted by kellyj on
in not understanding that with these ADHD issues....you need to be direct and too the point even if it hurts a little. There is no way this is not going to taken personally on some level. I get what you are saying. If your not getting this stuff kind or shoved in your face a little (repeatedly at first).....you aren't going to get it.
Kicking someone when they are down would be more like hitting you in the face with all of this without a little preparation first and getting eased into it. Once you stat to catch on ( coming this side)....and have a chance to get over the initial shock of these things and have some time to let that settle it....I think then you really need to start hammering this stuff in in no unclear or uncertain terms and being very clear direct and assertive.
If a T doesn't understand this....then they will keep treating you the same as what works with other people and different issues but not ADHD. If that's the case and this is what is happening.....time to find a different therapist I think? From your description of the "female marshmallows" ( lol )....that's what it sounds like. No wonder this didn't work?
J
I get what you're saying. If you're not getting this stuff kind
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
<<< I get what you are saying. If you're not getting this stuff kind or shoved in your face a little (repeatedly at first).....you aren't going to get it. <<<
Agreed! And, that is the genesis of the problem. While H was growing up, his mother offered no corrections or guidance of any kind. I don't know if it was because she was too self-centered to make the effort or if she wanted to avoid the "ugliness" that often ensues when you have to correct a child.
So, by the time H reached adulthood, he only knew two extremes....
1) his "loving mom" who gave H the impression that most everything he did was fine. An exception was this: when H would get too excited/emotional/angry as a child, his mom's answer was, "take your meds." BTW...H was never really told the truth as to why he was even taken to a psychiatrist as a child for meds. I guess his mom didn't want to hurt his feelings by suggesting that anything was really wrong with him. Instead he was told some (like lie) that he had some seizures as a baby and the doc was monitoring him. Since his mom has never mentioned the seizures in the nearly 40 years I've known her, I don't think they ever existed. H's mom likely had ADHD, and maybe some narcissistic traits. My own therapist believes that H's mom WAS a N.
Up until very recently, H believed his mom to be almost a saint. This was largely because H believed that if someone never criticized him, then they were a "good person." (which is why I'm given the Black Hat by H when I confront H with nearly anything, even when done in a very civil manner.)
2) His angry, raging dad who was very unpredictable. He'd put holes in the wall when angry. H's dad likely had inattentive ADHD, but also OCD and a personality disorder...maybe Borderline PD. H's dad would hit H with a meat board for punishment. H hated his dad while growing up, and never had a great relationship as an adult either because H's dad was so difficult to get along with.
Both of H's parents were Adult Children of Alcoholics, yet neither of them has a drinking problem that I am aware of. Rarely ever see them drink, but I am not with them for long periods of time.
So, once H reached adulthood, he wasn't used to hearing any constructive criticisms from "good people". If his "nice" mom had regularly lovingly corrected him and taught him the "right way" to do things, then he wouldn't have this weird association of "being an asshole" with "being corrected".
When H's recent male therapist tried to "correct" some of H's wrong-headed thinking or actions, H would just dismiss them as "the therapist is an asshole."
Ahh....it wouldn't be a holday without H getting upset!
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
H has ruined countless holidays. I no longer do the "big day," because he ruined too many of them, and it was frustrating to see so much of my preparations (he never did any) go to waste.
So, the last few years, I've just made reservations at a restaurant or hotel that serves a nice dinner. H is fine with that.
This morning, I had a business client contact me with an issue that needed immediate attention. I knew what I had to do, that's wasn't an issue. I just needed QUIET while I addressed the issue and while I located an important item. I mistakenly mentioned to H what was going on ~ I needed NO HELP from him at all. I just mentioned to him what I was doing. H immediately started jabbering away, making unnecessary recommendations, and was even talking while I was trying to type a response to the client. I POLITELY asked him to wait until I was done, and to please be quiet while I was looking for a needed item (this wasn't something that he could help me find, so his help in this area was not an issue).
H told me to "shut up" so that he could talk. My only words were, "I need quiet so I can concentrate." After he told me to "shut up," I firmly told him that I needed HIM to "shut up," after all, I was the one working and I was the one who knew what needed to be done.
H became very upset and said, "Well, if you're such a #$%^&* that you need quiet, I'll be quiet." I acknowledged that, "maybe I am a #$%^&*, and therefore I need quiet."
The silly thing is, many people need quiet while they're thinking, looking, or writing. My business is very important, and making a mistake with a client could come back to haunt us in many ways, so I don't want to make a mistake. I am the one with business mind. H readily admits (when he's calm) that he has no business mind and that he'd find it too stressful to manage the business. He does help me with certain aspects, and I'm grateful. He knows full well what those areas are where his help is needed and appreciated (work that is done at the location, behind the scenes.....He does not do any of the paperwork, contracts, or dealing directly with clients because he doesn't have the mind for it or the patience for it...and his anxiety rises at the mere thought..)
So now, with H upset, who knows how the day will go. Thankfully, since we have reservations, if it ends up just being the kids and me, then that will be fine.
Ugh!
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Ugh!
H just had his second appt with his new therapist, a male. As mentioned above, H doesn't like having a male therapist because he wants to charm his female T's to pity him.
Well, after his first appt, I asked him if told his T about how abusive his father was. This is important because H has always avoided mentioning how terrorized he was of his raging, physically abusive father who also would punch holes in the wall when angry.
H then would get mad that his T's didn't think he had any PTSD....because H didn't tell them those strories!!! PTSD tends to be linked with those who've been in war zones, or paramedics, etc. The exceptions are people who were victims of child abuse.
Anyway, today would have been a GREAT day for him to tell his T. BUT NO, instead H went 'on and on" about how terrible I was to him several years ago. Of course, it was told out of context and likely not within any accurate context at all.
About 10 years ago, H was constantly accusing me of having had sex with someone else. I have been PERFECTLY loyal. I've never even held hands with another man in over 35 years! Anyway, when H would rage at me and say that I was "sleeping around," or "a slut" or some other crazy accusation, I would say he was LYING. Because, in my eyes, when someone continues to throw inaccurate accusations at you, and you've honestly told them that they're not true, then at some point, THEY ARE TELLING LIES. This isn't the only time that he's accused me of something totally "out there." And, he regularly tells me that I'm lying. But, he says THAT is ok because he says, "It's ok for me to say that you're lying because you lie all the time. It's very wrong for you to say that I'm lying because I never lie." (uh, except for the many times when he's lied about drinking, meds, where he's went, what he did, what he spent....the list is long).
So, today, instead of starting from his childhood to give his T an accurate feeling of H's upbringing, H focused on this "my wife calls me a liar." And he wonders why his T's end up focusing on ME instead of realizing what is really going on. Seriously. H gets MAD when his T's tell him that he should divorce me. Well, what does he expect them to say when all they hear are lies about me, and they don't hear the truth about him?