First off, let me say that H finally went into work yesterday for the first time since last Thursday! That was a relief. On Monday night he says to me, almost accusingly "Would you PLEASE do me a favor? Would you NOT buy any beer when you are at the grocery store tomorrow? I really need to regulate it so that I'm not tempted to drink before I go into work." Okay. I had no plans of BUYING you any beer since I don't drink it! He just made it seem like I'd be at fault for him not going into work if I bought him beer. Yet last night, 2 days after he told me not to buy him beer, he comes home from his first day back at work in a week at 11PM with not only a 12 pack of beer, but also a small bottle of Fireball whiskey! He stayed up until 3:30 this morning and I see he had 3 beers and about 2 shots of whiskey.
Help me comprehend this! This isn't the only thing he's told me not to do and then turned around and done it himself. I mean things like scolding me because I didn't cover up something in the microwave and then 30 minutes later he turns around and does the exact same thing I did. Scolding me for buying a certain brand and then he goes and buys the very same thing. What is going through his mind when he is so adamant that I shouldn't do something but then he turns and does it himself and is like "chill out, what's the big deal"?
inconsistant
Submitted by duped on
Mapper, I've been following you for some time. I was so excited for you when you said he was moving to a shift that was going to give you some time to yourself in the house. And I was so sorry when that fell through. I totally understand what it's like to count on his absence, only to have that small little hope evaporate in front of you. I can't tell you how many times I've come home to see his car in the garage, and my whole plan for the rest of the day and my good mood, "poof" gone.
I'm not sure why they tell you to do things they then do themselves. Maybe it's because they want to sound like they have a plan (which they don't) or a higher motivation (which they lack) for a more reasonable life. And then when they turn around and do the thing they said not to do, it HAS to be no big deal. Or else, what kind of asshole are they?
I wish I had more wisdom to offer. I'm more and more coming to the conclusion that there is some evil afoot that has nothing to do with ADD. I wish you the best and I am absolutely rooting for you.
duped
Well he's on day 2 of 2nd
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
Well he's on day 2 of 2nd shift so I'm on day 2 of loving being home alone! It is like night and day. I come home and I'm nonstop doing things. Just cleaning and stuff but it makes me feel good. I don't even sit down in front of the tv until 8PM. Before it was pretty much 5:30 I'm in front of the tv because if I tried to do any cleaning or anything I'd get some snide comment from him! However now he is going back to 1st shift next week for a week to do training which means I'll have to suck up a week of not doing much. I just FEEL healthier when he's not here. I can eat what I want like salads and soups and not all the heavy stuff he always makes which makes me feel so full. I can go for a walk at 9PM if I want and not hear "You're weird" from him.
Turns around and does same thing
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Mapper, this is a behavior my ADHD husband has done for many, many years, and I have never understood it either. I have a hunch that it doesn't have much to do with ADHD, but is possibly something they've LEARNED to do. It's possible they accuse us of things they end up doing THEMSELVES, to keep us "off balance", even if they don't consciously realize what they are doing. (But I think they just MIGHT know it, and don't want to admit it) It was VERY CONFUSING for our daughters growing up, when he would tell them and ME not to do something, and then he would turn RIGHT AROUND and DO IT............OR SAY IT.........(whatever the situation was)
My girls and I would often look at each other and just shake our heads and say..."REALLY?". The more I read here on these posts about ALL THE CRAZY BEHAVIORS that I have tolerated for so many years, it's NO WONDER that I am as screwed up as I am, and feel as poorly about myself as I have. It's just been the past several weeks (couple months) that he's been behaving very nice towards me, and doing things I always PRAYED he would do, AFTER I told him I was totally DONE with everything. And, distanced myself emotionally from him, not engaging in ANYTHING negative or conflicting at all. He KNEW IT...he knew I was done. I had just had enough, and I didn't care anymore whether we stayed together or not, and just cut my emotional ties from him. He had never FELT that before, but I guess he knew I was really serious, because he started changing then. I could kick myself for not doing that SOONER, but I've already beat myself up so much over the past 3 decades, for everything under the sun, and trying to make sense out of nonsense, that I can't do that to myself again. But, I still wonder....WHY do they do what they do when they SAY they love you, but yet treat you SO POORLY?..........especially when many of these men have such good and loving wives?
I never wanted to be the "bitchy" type of wife, and I never HAVE been. But, I'm no longer the loving, expressive, bubbly, happy wife that I used to be either. Why does it have to be EITHER/OR?
Also with me I just never
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
Also with me I just never know when he may decide to leave work at lunch (which is 6:30) and just come home for the rest of the night. He did that so many times when he used to work 2nd shift and I worked from home. It is a godsend now that I found out how to check his clock in and clock out times online. When I'm at work and I see that he clocked in at 2PM, I can relax. However, that doesn't mean he won't clock out any old time to come home for absolutely no reason other than he doesn't want to be at work. He may still be at work when I leave work but an hour later when I get home, he may be home. He never calls to tell me he's coming home, like he wants to catch me doing something I shouldn't. Just like I thought I'd feel free to go out with my coworkers after work now without having to worry about him getting upset about it, but now I feel that the one day I decide to go out and not tell him (which by the way why SHOULD I when he's supposed to be at work and not waiting on me to get home!) is going to be the day he's home at 7PM waiting on me. I just feel like I always have to be on my guard. Even if I'm watching a reality show or something that he thinks is ridiculous, I feel I have to keep the remote in my hand ready to change the channel on the off chance he might surprise me by coming home early and see I'm watching some show he hates and I'll have to get some snide remark. The tv is right there by the front door so it's not like I have the time to change it before he sees it. This whole thing sounds ridiculous! Why should I be worried about what I'm watching on tv???!!
Mine did similar
Submitted by dedelight4 on
My husband used to do similar things. If I went out shopping, he would call me in a panic and/or angry and say "Where have you BEEN?" "You've been gone ALL DAY!".."What the heck are you doing?"..."When are you going to be HOME?"........When I had only been gone MAYBE an hour and a half or two hours. But, 2 hours to him meant ALL DAY......which was crazy. Even if I HAD stayed out all day, WHAT DOES THAT MATTER? If I had the time, and/or wanted time for myself, SO WHAT? I wasn't doing anything BAD or ILLEGAL, or anything. He would just go into a tizzy if he didn't know what I was doing, and WHY WASN'T I HOME? He would get REALLY WORKED UP ABOUT IT. I never understood that, because if HE went out, I never drilled him about where he was, or what he was doing, or how LONG he was out.
He would get upset if I spent money on myself, but I was very frugal about it. I only bought clothing that was marked WAY DOWN, and tried to shop as well as I could. But he would spend money on himself that often didn't make sense. He especially bought computer and musical equipment that cost us hundreds, even thousands of dollars with little to no income from it to justify those purchases.
In my current situation, like I told you before, I just got to THE END of my tolerance and patience. Plus, I told him how LITTLE I had to show for 31 years of marriage. I'm NOT a materialistic person, but I have just a few clothes, no nice shoes, no nice pocketbooks, no jewelry, no college degree, and now no job, no marriage to speak of that we both can be happy about, I"m confined to the house most of the time now due to a chronic pain condition and wearing my body TOTALLY OUT from doing so much trying to keep up with my SUPER HYPERACTIVE, PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY NON-STOP, UNDIAGNOSED, UNDERTREATED ADHD HUSBAND. It was like living with a tornado in the house......CONTINUALLY. There was no stopping, no peace, no "let down" no times to just NOT DO ANYTHING. He felt if we weren't always working or "doing something constructive", we were being LAZY. But, often even if he was BUSY, he was doing "busywork", and/or making up work for himself to do, along with playing video games, watching television, and being on the internet. Don't get me wrong, he DID work very hard at his job, and has always been a decent provider. But, we have just NEVER made it past the point of living paycheck to paycheck............EVEN with him having a PhD in music education. We have our insurance from his main teaching job, and we couldn't LIVE without that, so for that I am grateful. But, with the economy the way it's been, his job is one that could be wiped out easily due to cutbacks in government institutions and universities/colleges nation wide. So, we pray that he doesn't loose his job and God keeps us safe with that.
I know that in the ADHD workbooks, and such, we non-ADHD'ers are supposed to be patient and supportive and understand what our ADHD spouses are up against, and that they can't control a lot of what they do, so we have to be there for them. But, without help OURSELVES (professional) we get worn out......like me.
I pray things get better for you and me and all of us here.
And another thing is if I do
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
And another thing is if I do something I never do or maybe start to show I'm annoyed with his behavior then I get called weird. Just like this past Tuesday. I come home and find his car in the driveway for the 4th day in a row rather than at work. I walk in the door and he of course is taking a nap at 5PM! Rough day sitting home playing video games, drinking and eating! I feed the cats and after 10 minutes he still hasn't gotten up so I go to the grocery store. I can sit here and wait to see if you get your ass out of bed right now or you could stay in there for another hour...who knows! I thought to myself "Oh he's probably going to think I just took off because I was pissed at him." You know because he doesn't have an ounce of motivation, why would I come home after working all day and then take off again to go grocery shopping? Sure enough, about 20 minutes later I get a call on my cell from him. I go "Hello" and he goes very annoyed "Um hello?! I say that I'm at the grocery store and he goes "Okay. I thought I heard you and the cats were fed but the truck was gone." He's probably relieved that is where I was rather than heading off to a motel to spend the night! I come home and I'm just very nonchalant and loud and acting like I really don't care if he's there or not. Sure enough I get the "Are you okay? You are acting all weird." Gee WHY do you think I'm being that way? Any clue? And if I actually have to spell it out fo rhim he'll go "What's the big deal? I had one more day of FMLA to use so I used it. I'm going in tomorrow!" Of course! Why should I be upset that my husband won't go to his job?!
Then last night....grrr! I
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
Then last night....grrr! I went to bed around 9:30. Think I finally fell asleep around 10 and he comes home at 11 and I of course wake up. He comes in the bedroom and changes out of his work clothes and I say hello. He goes 'You are supposed to be asleep". Well yeah I know but that's not ever going to happen anymore because, no matter what, I WILL wake up when you get home. Then he closes the bedroom door and goes across the hall to the computer room to play his damn tank game! The night before he wore his headphones so I couldn't hear it, but I still couldn't sleep due to him blurting out things to the cats or simply to himself. Last night he didn't wear his headphones and I don't know if he thought he was playing at a low volume or what but all night all I heard were tanks exploding! Even when they weren't exploding I was just waiting for them to explode. I slept MAYBE another hour. He didn't even come to bed until 4:45 this morning! He sat and played that game for over 5 hours! Then he comes to bed and proceeds to fall asleep within 30 seconds and start snoring really loudly. I couldn't take it anymore and had to get up! Now if the tables were turned, there's NO WAY he'd be going into work on only 2 hours of sleep.If I asked him why he'd snap at me and go "I slept maybe 2 hours last night. I couldn't fall asleep with you blaring your video game all night!" But not me. I get up as quietly as possible and try not to walk hard or breathe hard and get dressed and slip out the door. Tell me, why do I try so damn hard to be ever so quiet when he wants to sleep, but when I'm the one trying to sleep he acts like he's the only person living in the house and slams cupboards and doors, stomps down the hall, heavily sighs, talks in a normal voice to the cats?!