Submitted by Linsy on 09/12/2010.
Thursday it all became impossible and I had to ask husband to leave house. It is such a relief. No more crunching around on egg shells. Now I wonder what he is thinking and how he is coping. It is mostly very very sad.
I am really sorry to read
Submitted by SherriW13 on
I am really sorry to read this. I felt so many times that ending our marriage would have been so much easier than going through the nightmare for one more minute, so I understand where you are. I hope and pray he finds the help he needs, and that no matter what happens, you and your family are able to find peace again. (((HUGS)))
Dear Had to ask him to
Submitted by TULA13 on
Dear Had to ask him to leave,
I threw my husband out of our home April 20th and the adjustment has been very hard for me. It is very hard when you truly love someone but I have felt invisible for a very long time. I feel like I am climbing out of a dark whole. The ADD behaviors took quite a toll on me. I can say the past few months have been very, very difficult, but I have been able to accomplish a lot because he is no longer here putting up barrier after barrier. I don't know what the future holds for me. It seems that this diagnosis is an eventual death sentence for a marriage. For the past 10 yrs my husband has been off meds and out of treatment most of the time. He is now in treatment and on meds self directed for the first time. I feel very sad that he could never do this during the marriage. My last straw was his affair with a married work associate. I read blogs where couples who were married 20- to 30 years separate after affairs and the person finally gets help and then over time and with help and counseling they are able to put their marriage back together. How do you rebuild trust after the ultimate betrayal. I have not filed for divorce yet as I have read these blogs. When the pain is gone and I will make a well thought out decision. My husband at this point reports he wants a divorce and wants to move on. At least that is what he said the last time I saw him. Our only communication is via e-mail or text. Seeing him or even hearing his voice on the phone totally wrecks me. He really gave me no choice. I had to put him out, how could I look myself or my daughter in the face if I let him stay after what he did. The past 2-3 years have been the worst. The online facebook flirting, the flirting in my presence and in my daughters presence, the screen sucking, online porn, excessive spending.... I could go on and on. I am trying to find the person I was when I met him. She seems like a stranger to me now. Trying to excavate myself from the wreckage. I wish you the best of luck. Staying is hard and leaving is hard. Hopefully life will get better for us both. Thanks for your post, it makes me feel less alone that there are others in the same boat.
I am so sorry
Submitted by Linsy on
Infidelity was one thing I didn't have to face thank goodness.
Been there, done that....
Submitted by Flower Lady on
Tig, I'm sorry. It's a really tough decision to make.
I also had to ask my husband to leave six months ago...it was either that or they'd have to cart me off on the bus to la-la land. My sanity was in serious danger of leaving forever. It's been rough for a variety or reasons (mainly my health but that's another topic...:) but I also felt the same relief you do now. You try and you try and you try some more, and eventually you come to a point when you ask yourself why are you making all the effort and he isn't doing diddly. Yeah...it hurts....a lot. Lots of anger to get thru and much thinking to do too....do remember the good times...they help.
I wish you all the best and hope life rewards you with some much-needed and much-deserved peace.
Thank you
Submitted by Linsy on
For your kind words.
Saying I relate is a big
Submitted by jennifers_secrets on
Saying I relate is a big understatement. The egg shells, oh my gosh I'm so sick of tip toeing around them and defending my kids! I know exactly what you mean when you say your heart is racing, I feel that so often. My adrenaline starts pumping when I'm provoked, I always try so damn hard to control myself but it's so hard when someone is just luring you into their misery! And the driving, I was just talking about that with my step-son who had a horrible experience with him, scared the crap out of him nearly ran a shuttle bus off the road near the hospital. What is the deal with the driving! Can anyone explain that to me? I just don't get why someone can't control themselves while driving a potential deadly weapon, ugh. And the scars, god do I know what you mean... We have tore each other down to the point I don't think there is a single line we haven't crossed. I use to be such a laid back person, and like so many others have said, I have lost myself completely. I have the same littered road behind me as you do. I envy you for actually leaving him, I have tried so many times, I love the way it feels to be in a house with no stress, just do what I want. I have no hope for my marriage, 10 years lost. He is completely unreasonable, when I try to talk he just flips out, walks away, drives away, goes to bed or whatever so here I am.
Jen
Tig
Submitted by hockeymom11 on
Tig, I'm so sorry for you. I am in the same boat. My husband is BRUTAL to our ADHD son and a terrible role model for him. My heart breaks when I spend so much of my energy and time trying to do the "correct" things for our son and my husband just yells. One day my son was whining and my husband actually whined back at him!!! At least I know I'm doing my best. My son's open house in middle school was last night, he has a 504 plan and I went to the guidance counselor to set up an appt. She told me "You are SO on the ball with your son and his organization, I went to his locker an all of his books and folders were color coded etc". I felt SO good, and it's been a long time since I've been validated as a good Mom. My husband tells me I'm a terrible one. I'm so glad you are out. You WILL survive, you WILL thrive again. Once you find peace things will get easier. My home is SO Much more peaceful when he is out of town or gone all day. We laugh and play together and it's fun. The moment he comes home my stomach churns. Be strong. Although we can't hug you, you do have our support here.
Kellym, I know your pain too. My husband and I don't speak, only via email and texting (which he sometimes doesn't even respond to). After reading 100's if not 1000's of these posts I sent my husband an email and told him it was over. I've come to discover there are two major types of ADHD people (and I don't mean hyperactive VS distracted etc). Here's my take on it.
Type one: highly educated, generally in school or job struggling terribly, still has all the quirks of ADDr (disorganized, distracted etc), nagging/bitching wife (most are men so I WILL generalize here) BUT these folks at some point recognize that there is a problem and THEY THEMSELVES seek help. THEY THEMSELVES admit it and want to turn their life around. These are the marriages that seem to make it.
Type two: same highly educated, struggling, same quirks, nagging/bitching wife. But these folks are addicted to substances, video games, porn, soon the infidelity starts. THESE FOLKS are in complete denial. They blame the wife, she's the one with the problem, she needs the meds, my behavior is normal. THESE folks don't want help, won't seek help, won't seek behavioral modification because THEY don't have a problem, the rest of the world does. These relationships don't survive. This is my life. This is where we are heading. This is what I sent my husband in the email. I asked him to move out, stay with a friend, get an apartment ANYTHING. The kids and I need peace and healing.
I think my father in law falls into the first category as he got his act together at a younger age and is now on meds too. My husband falls into the second category and I feel it holds a grave prognosis. his whole life has been a train wreck. he dropped out of college one semester before graduating because he felt "I know more than my professors and the classes are boring" (so get an easy A!!), he's gotten bad reviews at his job for YEARS (always someone else's fault), he shows no emotion, no compassion, nothing. He has no patience for his children especially ADHD/OD and it's getting worse.
It's over, I have no love or feelings for this man anymore. He was a fantastic man when I met him and the first few years, but now I realize it was the hyperfocused stage. Once things settled and routine started he got bored. Once kids came and routine and mundane started he got really bored and the distraction started and lasted 11 years. I'm done.
I know we CAN all make it, even with less money, smaller houses, more work hours and depending on friends more. we CAN do it and we WILL do it. we are Mom's after all.
good luck. take care.
Adders
Submitted by Linsy on
The forgetfulness can flow over into forgetting to be nice quite frequently. On both sides.
I will add my experience and
Submitted by SherriW13 on
I will add my experience and feeling to this..maybe it'll add a little to the pot, so to speak...
My type: (my husband) he is not highly educated, but is extremely intelligent, self taught in the IT world and is very well known in our town as being one of the best 'go to' guys for anything IT/computer/programming related. He has maintained employment our entire marriage, being an excellent provider, except for 1 firing (for refusing to sign a non-compete contract that would have crippled his ability to support his family were he to leave the small computer company he worked for..a decision we both agreed on) and 3 job losses due to volitility in the IT market (all within one year) he was in for a while...programming/gaming/start-up companies. He has always seemingly hated every job he has, but has excelled none the less. Our marriage had it's issues, but generally speaking we had a great relationship until we got custody of his daughter. He started drinking/hanging out with old friends that moved back to town at about exactly the same time. The added stress TO OUR MARRIAGE of having custody of a child with a lot of baggage (we simply NEVER agreed on how to raise her and fought over it constantly...we rarely ever fought before we go custody) coupled with the drinking (makes his behavior 100X worse) sent him and our marriage into ADD hell. Until then, I think he managed it much better. We had no idea he had it (other than his suspicions and always feeling "chaos" inside his head) so we didn't even know what we were up against. We went to two different counselors, his request (I was ready to walk away), and made tidbits of progress, but nothing life changing. He blamed me, I blamed him, and neither was willing to give an inch. It is hard to explain, as crazy as it sounds, but during it all...we were still friends. We still loved each other very much (this is something I never doubted...although the weeks following his affair last fall I am fairly certain he was convinced he didn't love me). He lost his 3rd programming job (he worked from home for 10 years programming) in the spring of 09. At first it seemed to pull us together. He landed a job as the head of the IT department for our city 2 months later. His mother's health took a drastic turn for the worst and her death was coming soon. Before me, his mother was his "rock"...the one and only person he could ever rely on...and I knew her death would hit him very hard. Things between me and my step-daughter were increasingly going south. I had just started back to work a few months before all of this and he was INSANELY jealous of every man I came in contact with. For a while, he wouldn't leave the house, spent every minute with me he could, but eventually his insecurity pushed him in a different direction...away from me. Lastly, he took a 50% pay cut in order to take the job locally that came with job security that he hadn't had for 10 years. Our finances were a MESS. He felt like a failure because of it.
Things spiralled out of control, he had made a connection with an old 'friend' through Facebook, and a chance meeting at a local music festival started the beginning of the end of things for us and our 'old' marriage. He started the affair unbeknowst to me, I asked him to leave because he was behaving horribly (because of the affair) blaming me for all of the wrong in the marriage, "I love you, but I hate you too".."how can I stay with someone who hates my daughter" (not true, I hate her behaviors and lies)...him not coming home several nights within a 2 week period of time and lying about staying with his dying mother, etc. His mom passed away eventually, after he left. We buried her and 5 days later my father had an ATV accident and landed in SICU with severe head trauma. A month later, on his way to making a full recovery, he got sepsis and passed away.
We spoke daily, many times a day, during our separation...and fought like we'd never fought before mostly because I wanted him to come home and he refused...giving any number of excuses as to why he couldn't. We hit rock bottom in Dec (a month after my Daddy died) when he was due to move back in on Friday and told me the night before about his affair. We reconciled but it still took 3 more months, his quitting drinking, and us falling flat on our faces over and over again to FINALLY find our way back to the marriage we once had. So, for a very long time my husband was "type two". He did want to go to counseling, but still blamed me 100% for his behavior and told me time and time again that I was the crazy one, I needed medication, and if I would just give him attention and affection he would be perfectly happy...never GETTING that he had disrespected me, belittled me, humiliated me, and discredited me a gazillion times in defense of my step-daughter (even when he would admit he knew SHE was in the wrong), and that I felt like 'the other woman' in his life and that is something that DID NOT change until after we reconciled. He was addicted to alcohol for many years..never drinking heavily or daily, but always focusing his 'activities' around it (he would plan things with friends so he could drink because I didn't allow him to drink in front of our kids). He might not drink for a week, but then he would drink until he puked and passed out. That is an alcohol problem. Again, all aspects of your "type two."
I feel, when the ADDer seeks help and makes the behavior changes necessary to facilitate a mutually happy marriage, is when they hit their own personal 'rock bottom' (wife leaves, wife makes them leave, they push their ADD behaviors beyond even what they thought was possible and feel ashamed enough to want to change) somehow finally seeing the damage they've done. Both parties wanting something more. Best case scenario both partners get it at the same time. I got it a little sooner than he did, but I was determined that I wasnt' living that old life anymore and thank God he realized he didn't want to either. Truth is, we both had to hit rock bottom to finally get our roles in the horrible state of our marriage...and this is just a general 'turning point' for many people.
I feel there are just those who have the capacity to feel enough love and devotion to others to see when they are at the end of their ropes and get the help they need to make the marriage better and there are those that don't. I still sense occasionally that my husband blames me withholding affection and attention from him (his ONLY complaint throughout our entire 6 years of hell) for all of the problems we had, and feels that if I had only just loved him 'unconditionally' it would have never happened. Maybe, in a sense, that is true...but I was human and he put others first, before me, in our marriage and I reacted the only way I knew how...in a way that made everything worse, with anger.
It may take some of the people in these marriages 3 or 4 marriages to finally get it 'hey, maybe there is something wrong with ME'...sadly. Maybe they will never get it.
I really do wish you all the luck in the world restoring your life back to what it was. My husband being an ass to our daughter was pretty much the deal breaker with me too...and had he not devoted himself to fixing what he'd damaged with her then I don't know that we'd have made it. I told him flat out when he came home that we were all done walking around on eggshells and he better 'get' what he was doing to her as well. He did. She is such a kind and caring soul...still a little untrusting of her Daddy's motives and love...but they've come so far. For that alone, I have a whole new level of respect for him I never thought possible.
have a feeling
Submitted by hockeymom11 on
I have a feeling my husband will just never "get it". The psychotherapist I spoke to last night at my counseling appt said "I cannot diagnose your husband without seeing him, but from what you are describing there is MUCH more than just ADHD going on".
That's what I'm worried about. I've pretty much given up on my marriage and any relationship with him in order to get my act together and take care of my kids. I felt SO much better after the appointment, I feel validated that I AM a good person, that I WAS taking the right steps to healing and that I CAN do this on my own if that what it comes down to.
I feel bad for my husband, really bad. It must be terrible to live in such turmoil. I told the Doctor that NOW I see the BIG RED flags that were there during courtship, but love was blind.
I think I was attracted to this complete opposite, fundamentally different human being because I'm a "fixer" I want to help people, I want to "fix" them, take care of them.
I've finally learned that the only person I can "fix" is ME, only me.
I hope my life starts taking a different turn. I do have a lot to live for and a lot of positives in my life. My husband just happens to be the dark cloud hanging over me. It's time for some sunshine!!
I wish us ALL strength, courage and good luck with all of our issues. I'm sure we'll figure them out day by day.
Maybe that is the "key" to
Submitted by SherriW13 on
Maybe that is the "key" to having someone "get it" and those that don't...having other things going on that aren't being treated ON TOP of the ADD?
Has your husband left? How did he respond to your request? Do you feel he has been affected by it at all?
I remember having my feelings validated by a counselor, for the first time, and as good as it felt to have that, it was also salt in the wound. I hated feeling like my husband thought I was a bad person...but never could see that I WAS (in a sense) behaving horribly. I remember talking about him like a dog to people and denying it through my teeth to him, because I felt that way at the time, but didn't want to hurt his feelings.
How you have grown to behave in your marriage, and how it has affected you as a whole, is just simply proof that you're HUMAN. It happened so easily for me and my husband...just to fall apart, train wreck our marriage, take each other and everything for granted...much easier than it was to SEE what we were doing and stop it. Anger is a very valid feeling and there is nothing wrong with allowing yourself to feel validated for feeling angry...the way we express that anger is the only issue. We are far worse off doing negative things, responding in an ugly and unhealthy way because of it, than those who are making us that way. Lord, had I only known this and GOT this years ago.
I am beginning to wonder if being a 'fixer' isn't like wearing a magnet to anyone and everyone who has issues. LOL Just discussed this the other day in counseling and she advised me to STOP and she didn't sugar coat it either. ;-) I mention this because you said you feel sorry for him...and to some degree I ALWAYS have felt sorry for my husband...whether because I knew he was struggling to do better and failing miserably (even when I was suffering as a consequence) or now because I understand more of what goes on in his head and I feel sorry for him for having to deal with the chaos and 'overwhelmed' feelings all the time. Either way, I feel it is degrading him in some aspect and I need to stop and just let him "be" and give him the only thing I need to give him..love and understanding and patience. In a way, it is like saying that I have no faith in his ability to deal with his own exsistence...me trying to fix what really isn't broken..it just IS. Doesn't mean I don't care, or don't support him, or don't have sympathy for what his struggles are..just means that I change my role in it to "wife" instead of "mother".
Your life is going to take a different turn, it already has. It won't happen overnight, but it will happen...because you want it to. Where there is a will, there is always a way. I truly hope he 'gets' it soon...for everyone's sake.
hockey mom, we share alot of personality traits
Submitted by freshstart2018 on
My story is a mirror image of yours. May God bless you on your new life path!
freshstart
Submitted by hockeymom11 on
I hope by your screen name that you HAVE made a fresh start and things are looking up. Sherri, my husband has NOT left b/c he has financially ruined us and we have no money. Until we pay some debt off I'm stuck with him. He spends most of his time upstairs and that's fine with me. The kids and I try to do as much as possible and get out of the house when we can.
I talked to my son's guidance counselor yesterday and explained what was going on at home so I hope my (ADHD) son can get some help at school (again, no funds for all of us to go to counsel). I found some low cost wonderful counseling that uses volunteers and students who are learning the field. It's all I can do now, but they seem very caring and very knowledgeable.
One step at a time.......one step at a time. Oh Sherri, to answer your question about my husband's response. He has NONE. He never responded to my letter, he never tries to start a conversation or even ask if I need help with anything. He has NO RESPONSE, NO feelings, no EMPATHY. nothing. maybe it's the depression, but I know as a grown man he CAN speak and he CAN initiate a conversation. The balls in his court (or shall I say the pucks in his rink!!)
thank you all for your support. If it wasn't for this website and all of you, I don't think I'd be heading down the positive path I'm heading. thank you thank you!!!