This won't be a long post. I finally dug down deep enough to find what's been truly affecting me ( the most ). It is, the underlying cause for the RSD I've been experiencing.
"Taking away sex from a man can make him feel a range of emotions including unwanted, rejected, unloved, frustrated, resentful, and insecure; essentially, a lack of physical intimacy can significantly impact a man's self-esteem and emotional well-being, especially if it's a consistent pattern within a relationship.
Key points to consider:
Emotional connection:
For many men, sex is a way to connect deeply with their partner, so denying it can lead to feelings of disconnection and emotional distance.
Impact on self-worth:
Being rejected sexually can make a man feel unattractive or inadequate, impacting his self-esteem.
Resentment buildup:
If sexual withholding becomes a recurring pattern, it can lead to resentment and frustration within the relationship.
Important to remember:
Individual differences:
Every man experiences emotions differently, and the impact of sexual deprivation can vary based on individual personality and relationship dynamics."
For this man, my personality, the importance that sex plays in relationships to all these things...sex is huge and of utmost importance to me.
This issue, and the relationship it has with RSD and feeling rejected, amplifies all the little everyday rejections and makes them even bigger.
In other words, and I truly believe this about myself....
If I am getting regular sex or at least, a modicum or bare minimum, all the little everyday rejections or rejection in general is not that big a problem. I can deal with those and let those go without that much of an issue. More like "ouch" and forget about it right away....they really don't affect me much.
But, with this one, HUGE, BIG DEAL of a rejection...all those other little, non important rejections, now become a big deal and are too much to handle. I get overwhelmed and allow that anger to spill over at times, which is not fair to her.
I thought I had processed this to the point of accepting that no sex wasn't going to be a deal breaker. I still hold to that decision as I feel that my relationship with my SO and all the things that come with it, are more important to me than sex. She, in other words, is more important to me than sex. But I was wrong, I'm not done processing this as this is a much bigger deal than I had initially realized.
I've got more work to do. And I'm going to need help to get me through this as my SO, is not the person to do this with.
That's it. It's all about sex for me.
Don’t make her suffer
Submitted by Swedish coast on
J, I believe this is a good and honest realization. We should take our own feelings seriously, as you do.
Your partner, who you said has medical reasons for being asexual, might suffer if you suppress your needs and take it out on her. You might need to leave. In my honest opinion, the idea that we can fundamentally change our core person by work on ourselves is delusional. We, and I mean people in general, don't change that much voluntarily.
I wish for you to live a life where you don't have to work that hard for happiness.
I've certainly considered what you said...
Submitted by J on
and have weighed in on how this might play out. As I said, it's not fair to her, to let any of the many things listed spill over on her. As I hear you, this is what you're saying too. We're in agreement there.
But I've had my own thoughts on this matter and am still thinking about this. This goes back to: " no man is free, who is not master of himself"
As I've lived life, I know I've been a slave to my own weakness and inability to control my urges. Whether it be drugs, alchohal, porn, cigarettes...that only list the most obvious of my being lead by my internal desires or to compensate for my own inability to control myself and take, maybe, the easy way out. Lack of self discipline, or the path of least resistance...take your pick.
There's an innate feeling, that your doing something that's is damaging you, you could call that sin as in: going against yourself.
And when you abstain from any or all of the things mentioned...you get a sense of freedom. That none of these things have any power or control of you. And when they happens, you take all your power back. I know this feeling, and it's liberating.....a sense of freedom.
So, in my past, sex has had, maybe too much power over my decision making. Not just maybe, I know it has...and it's lead me down paths I might not otherwise have taken. Like the ring in a bulls nose.
What I'm trying to say is this. When something has that much control over you...even if it's not actually an addiction...but it still has the flavor of it. I think for me....it kind of tastes that way.
So I'm questioning my motives and my ability to think clearly because of this. I know there's plenty of people who are perfectly happy together and not have sex.
So where's the problem? Or perhaps, what's the problem? I'm considering this, and what I said about being truly free. Which do I want more....the sex...or to be truly free and in total control of myself and take back all the control it has over me. And....would this be a bad thing? Like, am I hurting myself by going down that road? And if I can, there'd be no ill effects to my SO either. In fact, this simple decision to take that road, might even benefit me in the long run. There'd be no feelings of being emasculated because it would be my choice and my decision to do so. Nothing would be "taken from me"....only gaining power instead. Being truly free.
Still thinking on this...not quite ready to give up ship yet.
Best wishes
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Whatever you choose to do, I wish you the very best.
Forgot to mention...
Submitted by J on
I have a strategy in mind to carry this out that's not just willing myself not to want sex. It's kind of my own 3 prong treatment to lower my desire, libido and sexual response. I've actually done this before, not intentionally and not what I wanted at the time.
The only reason I'm on Wellbutrin is because of its low sexual side effects and it actually increasing sexual desire not because it's the most effective for depression. Before Wellbutrin, I was on Zoloft which was extremely effective in treating my depression. The only problem was, it worked almost too well. It caused emotional bunting and effectively blocked both my low and high emotions and a bunch in between. It was very effective on basically helping manage any dysregulation I was experiencing. The ups and downs I was experiencing now became flat. I really didn't like eliminating the highs but it worked so well on the lows it was worth staying on it. The only real problem was the sexual side effects which were more extreme for me. They reduced my ability to maintain an erection almost completely or have an orgasm to the point, it was so much work and took so long ( by myself ) it was hardly worth it. And because the "highs" were blunted too, it wasn't nearly as satisfying as without it which made the whole thing so much work and so uneventful that it was more a pain than enjoyable. The only reason I switched was the prospect of possibly getting together with my SO after we were getting interested in each other. Going in reverse now, back to my description would very effectively be using those same side effects to my advantage.
The second prong would be much the same. I spoke to my doctor about low testosterone, and he made suggestions to increase it with diet and exercise. There was a list of foods that were listed as lowering testosterone and to stay away from. In my thinking, now, choosing those same foods to reduce testosterone intentionally. This also would also reduce aggression as I understand it.
The third prong would be working to reduce sexual desire. I found that masterbating more often, tricks your body that it's getting more sex and kind of gets all those muscles in shape so to speak. Telling your body that more sex is coming, and making everything involved more effective. By abstaining from masterbating and visual erotic images, in theory, will reverse this effect, and send everything into sexual atrophy...both mentally and physically. In my thinking, the use it or lose it approach. Allowing those muscles to get out of shape from non use...and tricking your body into...not getting ready for sex and decreasing desire.
The final thought in addition was self hypnosis ( or by a therapist ) which would replace positive thoughts and images about sex with negative thoughts and images ( either real or fantasy ) designed to decrease interest and arousal with by making it sound disgusting or completely uninteresting. The "Old Baseball Players" effect.
This would be the nail in the coffin so to speak, that would finally kill any and all desire to have sex what so ever.
In effect, intentionally killing: libido, desire, physical effectiveness, satisfaction and finally...making it as unappealing as possible.
This goes far and beyond just willing to not want sex and thinking that will work. I think this might actually work, the same as the opposite works to increase the same things. At least there's some continuity of logic involved?
And of course, by doing this, I'll be matching my sexual drive or level to my SO's eliminating this issue. In theory, my SO's lack of interest is not a problem for her. It's only a problem for me, and I have no control over her.
Swedish
Submitted by J on
You made a very concise and insightful opinion in this brief comment that has caused me to reflect, so I'm coming back here to respond. This could be a lengthy reply which I don't have time for but, I wanted to say a couple things at least for the time being.
While, I agree with you in part, about the core of a persons inherent God given elements being unchangeable on that level, I disagree that a person cannot change to a large degree. I know this, because I've discovered it to be true.
Dr Russel Barkley made a statement once about ADHD that has had a profound affect on how I see myself. His comment went something like: There's absolutely nothing good about having ADHD. There's not one single thing that you could call a benefit in terms of symptoms and the negative impact it has on a person. It is NOT, a super power!
You might find this surprising, but I actually agree with. It's only made my life more difficult and caused more heartache and presented more challenges than anything else. ADHD is not at the core of who a person is. it's just a "thing" that a person has. It does not define who that person is at their core.
But, Dr Barkely went on to say this ( paraphrasing )
Anything good or any so called super power that appears from having ADHD comes from inside that person themselves.
In other words, it comes from the very core of that person and their personality: their character, heart,and integrity, their ability to overcome obstacles and work hard to do so. The ADHD "effect" on the individual person and who they are at their core, can manifest amazing things if they put their mind to it, using the God given talents they were given at the core of who they are.
Which means, as Dr Barkely so eloquently said, anything good comes from inside that person ( super powers or what have you ) not from the ADHD.
So as I see it. If you do nothing but allow the ADHD to prevent you from being the person you are at the core, your allowing the ADHD to win. It's not a fight or competition with other people, it's a fight and competition with yourself and your ability to overcome obstacles. This in mind, is the ability to change, from where you might be without that effort, to where you want to be at your core. This process, that I truly believe not everyone has to go through, creates these so called Super Powers, of anything good that is already inside you.
So, on one hand, you may not be able to change your core, but you can change your destiny, by creating a different path than the one that was dealt you by getting the ADHD card.
This caused me to reflect a bit, going back to my earliest recollection of what I really wanted for myself in my future. You mentioned yourself, that you are envious of couples or families who stay together for a lifetime unlike so many others that do not. I might wager, this is what you've wanted going back to a small girl. Possibly?
And with me, I'm not an enigma, I'm very easy to understand and my wants, dreams or desires as very simple going back to my earliest memories. A manifestation of who I am at my core perhaps?
All I ever wanted was to have my own house to live in, and a partner to share it with. I don't even go as far as a family and I had no preconceived vision of who that person was of who they looked like. It was a blank image to be filled in by the right person. Very simple, and easy to envision. For me, that was my manifestation of what I've always wanted at my core.
And for you perhaps, you could still achieve that dream or vision now, with someone else. If you choose to do so. And for, I'm still trying to get there, and using, not the super powers that ADHD gave me, but the ones I gave myself by learning how to overcome obstacles and reaching my full potential. I learned how to do that through swimming...I just need to apply it to what I'm doing now.
These are my thoughts on what is possible if you want something bad enough and am willing to work hard to get there....but at my core...nothing has changed so you are both right...and maybe partially wrong about people changing. I believe they can, even if no one else's believes it.
Change
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Dear J,
In my post I was mainly referring to sexual needs which I imagine are sort of core-ish to us. Or maybe that's a misconception of mine. I thought about people I've known intimately for many decades, and it's striking how alike their old selves they are.
Having ADHD, as little as I understand about it, can mean having to work ten times as hard as other people and still feeling others crave change. I'm aware this is unfair. By my post I was trying to defend you a bit, from this constant demand for change.
Because what if living on your own terms makes you freer, happier? A relationship with a lot of friction and a lot of work to change has at least for my ex been detrimental to his health and made him severely depressed. He ended the marriage accusing me of mental abuse. Probably he never should have had several children together with me, or complied to my idea of what family life could be. Without my expectations and subsequent disappointment he could have been happier and felt less inadequate. He's communicated to mutual friends he's doing so much better now, without me.
Another ADHD relative of mine decided at a young age to not start a family since they weren't prepared to adjust too much to other people.
I think it's sort of brilliant.
J, only you will know if your current relationship does you good or not well enough. I do however feel that even though we work on who we want to be, it shouldn't be too hard. We shouldn't compromise too much. I did and I can't recommend it.
My dream of a lifelong marriage took a sad turn. I doubt I will ever want to live with a partner again.
All the best, S
Please Know
Submitted by J on
I value your input, especially because it makes me think and helps me process things better...and you've helped me do just that and I appreciate everything you've said. It really helps. In fact, from this post alone, I think I've finally gotten down to what I believe has been so difficult. And sex, still has role, but it's not exactly my issue.
I thought about making a post entitled " silence is deafening "...but I might as well explain it here. This came about when my SO and I were discussing the no sex issue and I was trying to find the words in how I was feeling and what's behind it all. I finally realized what it was but not without her getting frustrated about needing reassurance. This is directly related to the list of issues listed in my original post that "some men" have with losing their sex life. Losing something important, that represents a true loss. Something that takes time to grieve including: anger and depression. Two of the 5 stages of grief. This is not exactly the kind of anger and depression that you can take a pill for, it's just something you have to go through ADHD or not. This isn't the kind of anger you go to anger management therapy...it's the kind you go to a grief counselor for.
Also, it was mentioned recently ( maybe by you? ) that sex has a language. It dawned on me ( light bulb ) that "no sex" has a language too. The deafening silence that accompanies no sex or having sex removed from your relationship by your spouse, screams one main thing louder than anything else:
I reject you.
Now apply that to RSD and it really is a much bigger problem than one might imagine especially for a person with ADHD. But here's the rub so to speak.
If you're a man, and you're just not that sexually motivate or it's really not that important to you and yes, I know some men are that way...this may not seem like much of a loss at all? It would not carry with it the weight and the emotion that it does for someone like me. There may be little grieving involved as well.
And maybe, it wouldn't say " I reject you" to that person either, so it simply wouldn't be a big deal?
So, as far as I see this now....this still has to do with rejection and RSD. It's why it hurts. Not from not having sex or sex specifically, but because of the language no sex speaks which is listed in all the effects it can have on a man ( like me ) in my original post. It is the feeling of rejection that's the hardest part to get over. Something I'm choosing not to share with my SO....since that would only serve to make her feel worse. This is mine to deal with, not hers.
So you see, you helped me arrive at this conclusion from the things you said. I do appreciate your comments as I may have had a harder time getting to the bottom of this without them.
One final thought
Submitted by J on
When it comes to sex, and our inate drives installed by our creator, like all animals, for the further of our species: Men and women ( male and female ) have installed in them, differences, for that reason only.
This creates a drive that feel like hunger and without it, it feels like you might die from hunger. In reality, no one dies from not having sex.
The difference between humans and animals is that we have a cerebral cortex, we can make choices and intervene our own instinctual drives.
That's how I see. No one ever died from not having sex. Companionship alone, is worth the price of admission.