I have been hoping over the past few months that I could finally see a way past my husband's constant insistence that he will make immediate changes to his lack of follow through. I am now beginning to believe that will never occur. He removed my check writing pen from my desk for the umpteenth time and I had a melt down yesterday; I fully admit that I acted inappropriately. He is unable to understand that I have my own desk and belongings, and that he should respect that; his response is that I should keep more pens at my desk (tried that previously and he simply took them all till none were remaining). I tried to talk to him about setting up a repayment plan for our equity line that he has maxed out with his business debt, but he accused me of being paranoid and panic stricken; for the first time, I really felt as if he was gaslighting me. After nearly 40 years together, I do love him but this is tearing me apart. We have been to counselors many times over the years, but the response from him is always the same: he does not know why he does these things and will just try harder -- it never works. I have already removed him from our savings account to safeguard what few assets I have left to me, and believe I will now have to decide, on my own, how to proceed. I just feel so very sad that he no longer treats me as if I am important enough to matter. His clients and work are most important due to his actions. I told him yesterday that he does not need to have an affair since his work is his mistress.
I have no one else to talk to about these things (Mom is 91, best friend is not married, etc.). Counselor has told me to grieve for what is lost and move on. I am not certain I can do so in the same house as it is just too chaotic and causes me a lot of anxiety. Rather than work on anything difficult, he tells me his is sleep deprived, distracted, and has too much work to do (for his clients) -- same story, same refrain -- why am I unable to realize that it is no longer "us" but just "him."
Hi Neuchate81
Submitted by c ur self on
After almost 40 years of dealing with your situation, I can't offer much that you don't know (lived it)....I just would like to tell you I understand....The reality of many peoples living of life is chaotic at best....And to attempt to partner with that person in life, is very difficult...Many of us are here on this web site due to that fact....
My suggestion is; don't be scared to set boundaries in order to force accountability....Your pen example, is a few things....It's annoying, it's intrusive, and it's his statement that he's the one in the relationship that matters...Certain mind types have no ability to be shared with (given to)....There mind and spirit does not think thankfulness and reciprocate, it thinks invalid, use for my convenance, because I'm the only one that matters to me....
It takes boundaries, it takes standing up calmly and saying "It's not OK....At some point we have to say, I want you to be well and happy, but, it's not going to be at my demise...We weren't created to be destroyed and ignored. That's not what our wedding vows are about....
blessings
c
Thanks so much for your words
Submitted by Neuchatel81 on
Thanks so much for your words - they meant a lot to me. I have been attempting to do just that for years, but have now determined it is a necessity if I am to survive. In some ways, I feel as if he is just waiting for me to leave as then he can claim it was "all his fault" and hold his usual pity party -- it is not that easy! I work very hard at trying to make his day go easier on a daily basis, and he is only concerned with his "priorities" that do not include me. It is not to say that he does not try -- the other day he did actually schedule and supervise the AC maintenance visit -- but unfortunately that is the exception rather than the norm. It does help to know that I am not the only one experiencing this type of situation. Thank you.
Yup
Submitted by MATTHD on
I feel ya. Same here. The way boundaries are unknowingly crossed is maddening. My wife has the same refrain, "I'll be more mindful". I just want her to take her meds.
At least your wife has meds -
Submitted by Neuchatel81 on
At least your wife has meds - my husband still refuses to believe he has ADD and believes he can manage all on his own. I am not certain what it will take after struggling for such a long time.
I totally get it
Submitted by Murietta on
Your life sounds just like mine. Today I completely lost control of my anger because he fed the dog even though I told him yesterday at least ten times that she was getting spayed. He heard and acknowledged it. I put all the food and water away last night. I took a shower this morning and by the time I came downstairs, he has fed the dog! I just could not believe it! Just a complete lack of respect for my time and the vet's time and now the appointment has to be rebooked. I cannot trust him to do it so now I have to take more time off work to take care of it myself. Again. Just a small example of how these grown men are like children. Also, no apology. He has squandered all our savings and we are in debt. The divorce lawyer tells me he will get half of my successful business and I will get half of his debt. So I feel trapped. This is so frustrating and nothing ever changes. It is amazing how similar the stories are....
Not just men
Submitted by MATTHD on
:)
Your Husband sounds like me.
Submitted by Adhdam on
Your Husband sounds like me. I am the husband with ADHD in my marriage and my child also has ADHD.
A little while ago my wife and I decided to hang a whiteboard in the kitchen to help plan out our week. It was more so for our child than myself. However I have found this extremely useful in helping myself remember what is going on each day during the week and weekends.
Everyone's name is on the whiteboard and what is happening for them for each day of the week.
Just thought I'd reply to you and offer an idea if you haven't already implemented this.
I still have problems remembering or my accountability but this whiteboard set up has changed my processes dramatically.
I know from experience that living with ADHD and being the person affected by it, it is extremely frustrating knowing that you have forgotten or stuffed up again.
I know it's hard/frustrating for people/partners to be patient with us but know 99% of us are doing the upmost best we can
good luck I hope it all pans out for you guys.
Wow - I would have lost it
Submitted by Neuchatel81 on
Wow - I would have lost it with that situation as well - it sounds like a lot of instances that we have experienced too. As a result, I removed my husband from our joint savings account a few months ago, but made no mention of it to him; I feel quite certain he would be very angry and hurt, but as counselor told me, I now must protect myself and my future. I hope that somehow you may be able to do the same.
Hi, after reading your story
Submitted by Adhdam on
Hi, after reading your story I can see it must be very frustrating for you and your husband.
in regards to you seeing his work and clients being more important to him than you, would it be possible that he has prioritized clients and work over family life due to him feeling that he is more successful in this part if his life than in his home life because he feels he is always getting into trouble?
I'm a husband with ADHD and at times I tend to focus more on my work than home life because I'm being more successful at work than at home
Thanks for the insight -- you
Submitted by Neuchatel81 on
Thanks for the insight -- you are probably right! He does have a lot of success (and frustration) with his work and clients, but probably does feel as if he is more successful professionally than personally. Also, he tends just to shut down whenever we try to have a discussion about difficult things regarding our relationship. He just wants to move forward rather than look back. I try to explain that if one does not look back, one does not learn from the mistakes made -- this does not appear to resonate to him, perhaps since he feels as if he will not make those mistakes in future if he just tries!
That's me also. I shut down
Submitted by Adhdam on
That's me also. I shut down when it comes to hard discussions around our relationship. I just don't know how to respond without saying something that may be hurtful and even more detrimental.
I also think I shut down because I have to hear about my mistakes or failures all over again. I'd rather look ahead and work on strategies to not do that again. We also agree that we both have to change to enable us to be more supportive
I understand what you are
Submitted by Neuchatel81 on
I understand what you are saying as I am certain that is how my husband feels as well. I have trouble understanding though how he tries the same methods to improve each time with no success, and then just goes back to the same methods yet again. I attempt to recommend other strategies, but he appears to be stuck in a loop. Looking forward is great, but if you do not change the work around (that is NOT working) then what is the point?
An example: my husband requires hearing aids since he had a tumor that destroyed his hearing in one ear. If he does not wear his hearing aids when we watch TV together, it is very uncomfortable for me as my hearing is very sensitive (no hearing loss) and I feel as if the TV is yelling at me. He consistently tells me he will charge his hearing aids (his reason for not wearing them) but he never does. When I ask him about it, he just insists that he will do it the next day.
How does your partner deal with those situations? When I try to discuss it, I simply get the same response -- I will do it tomorrow and change immediately.
Work
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
It hurts when you feel like you're last on someone's list.
I remember feeling as a child that everything else was more important to my Dad than me. His job, his horses...his other life.
I can imagine how much it would hurt if it was my fiance acting this way.
I can understand what the other poster said about them focusing on the successful part of their life. It still hurts the spouse and family who may feel unimportant.
For change to occur, trying harder doesn't work. He has to do something differently.
You are so very right that
Submitted by Neuchatel81 on
You are so very right that something different is required. I feel as if because my husband has been fairly successful professionally that he feels as if he should be able to handle it all on his own and does not see the need to seek help. He has always been less than willing to go to counseling, and we have had the same discussions over and over about follow through and communication. It appears that since he never "intends" to ignore me or do something different from what we both mutually agreed to that he almost absolves himself of responsibility. He acts as if his intention to do it should be enough -- he was not being cruel in saying to himself that he would not do something in order to hurt me -- he was merely negligent (that is his new reason for not following through). I have now heard enough of him being negligent all of the time with me; he manages to meet professional deadlines for his clients so I know he is capable -- truth is I am just not important enough for him to put in the work. When I recommend other methods to make him successful (seek a coach, budget manager, etc.), he just never follows up on it and the idea falls away.
40 years
Submitted by davinci89 on
Hi Neuchatel81,
Your posts makes me want to hug you. I have learned a lot from what you have shared. My partner like yours, doesn't want to admit to ADHD because he's a man's man and real men don't have chinks in the armor and so therefore medications are also for weaklings, making it so very challenging. My partner is 55 and the hardest part I have found is the rejection sensitivity and how explosive and cruel he becomes in an instant. In fact, it happened just last night, every couple weeks he ends up with his brain wrapped around some topic and wham! there it was; both dukes up and I didn't even know I was in the ring. It came to perhaps the relationship ending last night (we have been living separately due to work for a couple months, so all this happened on the phone) :-( It is so hard to know where they end and you begin when juggling their symptoms and behaviors, and parsing out what is personal and what isn't. We all need love, and it's hard to know if we are really getting it. I don't have the answers for you, but I wonder if you might benefit from some time away? From my own experience, it was catharsis and a Godsend to find myself again and reconfigure what was acceptable and what wasn't for "me" and then committing to a plan. I wish you the very best and hope you will keep sharing. Thank you.
I appreciate your words. I
Submitted by Neuchatel81 on
I appreciate your words. I too have thought that maybe time away would be helpful, but due to work and family obligations that is not an option right now. We do have an appointment with the counselor next week (virtually) so it will be interesting to see how that proceeds. I am determined to no longer put his needs above mine. It was a bit funny the other day when he took something I said out of context, but then he began to do more around the house without being asked as he wished to show me his responsible side. He IS CAPABLE but he chooses to put clients and work first. Unfortunately he does not see it that way but feels as if he is forced into the behavior by the situation. It makes me feel as if I am the only one who actually considers my actions. I do understand what behavior is unacceptable, but I am just not certain that he really wants to make a change in the behavior that he exhibits as it is just too hard for him to think that way. It is actually very sad as he is the most intelligent and generous person I have ever met; right now, though, I just feel as if he has forgotten that I am his life partner and that I should be his first consideration.
We will see how things
Submitted by Neuchatel81 on
We will see how things proceed now. The virtual visit with the counselor was yesterday, but I told my husband I had to work as I was simply unable to face him saying yet again he was not accomplishing items due to his own negligence. I felt dishonest in doing this, but now feel it is a point of self preservation. The counselor told him I was not crazy in wanting him to follow up on items he tells me he will do (he told me this). Maybe somehow it was a good idea for him to have session to himself to hear from someone other than me about his behavior. We will see......
I hope there has been some
Submitted by davinci89 on
I hope there has been some positive carryover from your husband's visit with the counselor. I wonder how much it takes for it to sink in since their brains are wired so differently? Do they even have the capacity to store it long term? Certainly some things they do, or they wouldn't function in the world, so how do we tap into that? In the meantime, keep finding yourself, love yourself, and stay true to you. May you take the time to enjoy your day
I actually believe the
Submitted by Neuchatel81 on
I actually believe the counselor session did help somewhat, although I asked him to do something the other day, he forgot to note it on his phone, and it was out of his mind! He believes he can use his phone to remind him of items to do, but if he does not enter it then it is not much use. He has also started to talk over me even more--answering a question before I even finish as he just cannot wait for me to quit speaking. Problem is sometimes my question is not what he believes it to me. This has just become exhausting!
My ex would finish my sentences
Submitted by sickandtired on
He thought that meant we were soulmates because he would finish my sentences, rather than listen to what I was trying to tell him. He would usually be wrong, and when I would say, “No, that’s not what I was going to say”, it would make him angry, and he would argue that it was what I was going to say, and that he knew me better than I know myself. He made A LOT of assumptions, and then treated these assumptions like they were absolutely factual, which just made things even worse.
Finishing sentences
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
My ex did this as well. When he would finish the sentence in a way other than how I was going to, he'd often go off on a tangent with HIS idea. On the rare occasion he'd eventually ask, "What were you going to say?", I would most often forget because I'd been interrupted and diverted to his topic. Then HE would get mad that I didn't remember... and actually thought I was only pretending to forget because I was mad he interrupted me. It was very frustrating.
Did your ex
Submitted by sickandtired on
Did your ex also talk through tv shows and movies? If my ex wasn’t talking constantly through a movie, like “Oh no, look out! Look over there! He’s going to get shot!!!” I knew he had fallen asleep. The thing that irritated me the most would be when he would tell me the ending if he had seen it before.
Many many times he would comment on a newscaster’s looks so much that you couldn’t hear what the news was. Then he might be reminded of some unrelated experience that resulted in a 10 minute story from him. I would often pause the tv to let him talk, and then when I thought he was finally finished, I would press play, and then he would start talking AGAIN!!!! Frustrating!
Yes!
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
For the last 10 years of our relationship, we watched TV separately. I used to wonder how he could even enjoy - or merely understand - a show with so many interruptions and tangents. I certainly couldn't. And it's funny you would say that about a newscaster's looks. That was a really large part of the conversation... people's looks, especially women. "Do you think she's Korean?" / "She's starting to look old." / "Her nose is big but otherwise she's pretty attractive." I found it really grating and generally offensive.
Absolutely!
Submitted by sickandtired on
My ex was horrible about commenting on waitresses’ looks, sometimes to their face, which was really embarrassing! He would fixate on a particular woman in a restaurant and spend our entire dinner commenting on her. “She’s good looking, but her stomach looks like she’s had a baby. How can she eat with that lip ring???? I wonder what it’s like to kiss a girl with a lip ring?” He talked like a horney 14 year old boy with no insight into how disappointing, frustrating, and embarrassing his behavior was. He actually thought I was jealous of the waitress with the lip ring, like I was afraid he would cheat on me. Ha! At that time I was thinking, “Take him! PLEASE!”
One thing that is not talked
Submitted by SJC2021 on
One thing that is not talked about much, if at all, in all the ADHD articles I've read is the sexually inappropriate nature of so many of their comments / outbursts.
They fixate on something and watch out !! I could not joke around about anything of an adult nature with my ex before she was commenting on her past sexual conquests.
They literally say anything that pops in their head. Anything.
I got upset one time and after I said what I did she actually stopped doing it. For a couple of weeks.
It is sad, embarrassing, insulting, and downright aggravating to endure the incessant, mindless comments of someone with ADHD at times.
It got so bad I did not want to go out in public. She would stare at men, make comments about them, the usual.
And these were not attractive men ever. Anyone would do.
They can't stop themselves. It's like dealing with a child.
Well, it was.
Yes!
Submitted by sickandtired on
Isn’t it great to be free of them? You don’t realize how wonderful “normal” can be. Having a normal husband is like a luxury for me! He’s kind, honest, confident, loving, fun, reliable, respected, educated, successful, patient, someone to be proud of..... ALL of the things my ADHD ex was NOT!
I really wish their was more
Submitted by SJC2021 on
I really wish their was more help for the normals. I understand trying to help those with ADHD, but there needs to be more information for those who deal with it, and not more " don't do or say anything that might upset your ADHD partner".
I agree
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
When it comes down to it, even with the best of help, there is still a lot of accommodating symptoms that negatively impact us daily, doing far more than half of the drudgery and switching OUR way of doing things to theirs (even though it doesn't work for us). I think there is a very big assumption that because we're neurotypical, we should be able to do all of this for them and not enough understanding that it's a totally unreasonable amount of stress on the person who isn't even at the root of the dysfunction.