I no longer feel I love my ADHD husband, not for about 6 months now. I feel terribly guilty about it because I know he's now trying to make changes (after telling him I want a separation) but it feels too late for me. He's no longer aggressive, but he is still very defensive and irresponsible and I struggle to find any positivity in our relationship to look back on.
Has anyone felt this way and made a recovery? I feel so ambivalent about working on my marriage and running as far away as possible.
I have come back from the
Submitted by Hopeful Heart on
I have come back from the brink. My husband had undiagnosed and untreated adhd for 21 years of marriage. My son had undiagnosed and untreated adhd/odd for the first 15 years of his life. Our home life was a $h!t show, for lack of a better word. And I was blamed for all of it. I was mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted. I was so numb that I couldn't feel anything. I ended up leaving my family for about four months.
During that time, my husband admitted that he and my son had problems and they started seeking professional help. During that time, I started focusing on what my husband CAN do instead of focusing on what he CAN'T do. I think we both took on the philosophy, "When you know better, you do better."
That was two years ago. It hasn't been an easy two years. Just to give you an idea of what we've been through during the past two years . We've done neurofeedback treatments. We've tried quite a few different prescription drugs, stimulant and non-stimulant. We've read books and listened to audiobooks. We've tried counseling/therapy. We did something radical to deal with my sons ODD. And they both recently started taking vayarin, a prescription nutrition supplement for Adhd. We've put a lot of time and energy into dealing with adhd. Some things worked, some didn't.
I can honestly say that our home life right now is much more stable than its ever been. We've been working together with our eyes wide open. That's the only way we have been able to achieve some stability.
Focus on what he CAN do
Submitted by Evie_K on
Thank you Hopeful Heart, I think one of the problems is that my husband always insists on doing things that he doesn't do well, as if he needs to prove himself. In fact, I know it is to prove himself. I've said to him many many time that having an equal marriage doesn't mean that we need to share an equal burden of all chores, that we can play to our strengths, but he disagrees and insists that he needs to be able to do everything. Consequently, he feels worse about himself when he does stuff badly, gets defensive if I try to help (which I no longer bother with) and I get frustrated trying to clean up the larger messes that are made as a consequence.
He will admit he has a lot of problems, but one of the biggest which is his defensiveness and the blame game has never gone away. In quiet moments he will say it is an issue, but it's never actually been dealt with. I have been cheated on, screamed at, dealt with physical aggression, been neglected and I have lost all respect for him. He went out and got stinking drunk the day before marriage counselling and without my knowing it, lied to the counsellor and cancelled the appointment due to the hangover. A rare medical complication left me handicapped for the duration of my pregnancy and he was still focused on himself and his own needs. In hospital after the cesarean, when I came back from the bathroom I would often find him lying in my bed and he wouldn't get up for me. He doesn't think his ADHD is that severe. And now, I can't stand the sight of him. I only speak with him on a "needs to" basis because we argue to readily.
I think I need a separation to save my marriage but what I really want is to never have clapped eyes on him in the first place...
Rambling...
Submitted by Evie_K on
Because I'm so angry and frustrated. With him and with myself for getting into this mess in the first place...
I completely understand about
Submitted by Hopeful Heart on
I completely understand about the pregnancy. I went through two difficult pregnancies by myself. I went through twelve hours of labor before having a c section with one of them. He never offered me one word of encouragement or support through out the labor. He slept the whole time and even pushed me out of his way so that he could get more comfortable while he slept. That was seventeen years ago and it's still so painful to think about today.
My husband and I have been through so much together. When I weighed all the pros and cons I decided that I didn't want to throw all of our years together away.
For me, infidelity is a deal breaker. I don't think I could recover from that. Your situation is unique to you and only you can decide what your deal breakers are. I don't blame you at all for being hurt and angry and wanting to move on.
I can understand how you are
Submitted by Witz End on
I can understand how you are feeling. My relationship with my husband has been awful for the past 2 and a half years straight (with the exception of a couple weeks here and there that things seemed like they were getting better). We got married almost 3 years and haven't celebrated our wedding anniversary even once because things have never been good between us for one yet. I am so full of anger and resentment toward him. He lied to me from day one, pretending to be someone he wasn't until day one, and made up excuses and tried his best to hide the bad qualities he has which I am now realizing are most likely because of ADHD. For instance, I made it clear to him from day one that I am a neat, tidy, even OCD person and I'm happy living that way and enjoy having a home that is clean and tidy and that I want a partner who shares my similar qualities. He lied and made excuses for years about all the qualities he has that he knew damn well I didn't want in a partner. I feel like he totally duped me and it angers me to no end because all of the things that cause us problems today are because of qualities he has that I made it clear I did not want in a partner. We are at the point where just the sight of him angers and annoys me. I feel like I will never be able to love him again because I feel like I never loved the real him in the first place because he pretended to be someone he wasn't and hid a pretty ugly side of himself for so long.
I'm in the same boat
Submitted by IsHopeful on
Feel the same way and my husband didn't even cheat on, however i caught him on a dating web site so it's only a matter of time. The blame and defensiveness is unbearable. I made the decision to leave, I'm just working out logistics and money. My hope is being apart and going thru treatment separately may bring us back to that place of love we used to have. It may just be wishful thinking, but i have so much anger and resentment I can't heal that by living with him. Honestly, won't hold my breath. Please do give an update if you find something that works!!!!
The one with ADD/ADHD
Submitted by ADHDhusbandFAIL on
Being the ADHD spouse and being aware of all the mistakes from the past, is there hope of rekindling a broken relationship? Or is it a waste of my time and energy to chase someone who is over me? Would I be doing her a favor by letting her leave without trying to get her back? We have kids too, so it makes the 'just leave' part extremely hard.
Are there things I can do to get her back without looking like I'm trying too hard?
Should I just cut the loss and not show any effort in getting her back?
My ADHD experience has always told me that I should just cut the loss, move on and not try any effort in getting her back. Is that wrong? (I'm usually wrong and am constantly making mistakes) I don't want to be annoying by calling her to try and get her back, or using the kids to help get her back, that just seems tacky. Instead I feel I should just let her go without putting up a fight. She probably would be better off without me. Is there hope for the ADHD.
Good luck. Peace and love. Remember everyone has issues and the world isn't perfect.