I have been married for over a decade. He was diagnosed with ADHD a few years after we were married. His work schedule is erratic and grueling because he works on-call and travels, so he explains this as the reason why he doesn't go to therapy. He also simply doesn't like taking medication. I don't believe in ultimatums, so I know my glaring options are to radically accept or just leave. I consider marriage a sacred union, so that means I radically accept my husband. I love him unconditionally. I won't go into the daily challenges of living with an ADHD spouse because that is well-trodden territory among us all. I want to talk about creative solutions. Has anyone done something drastically different and inordinate such as living apart but nearby their spouse in order to have a peaceful sanctuary to oneself while remaining wholly committed to the marriage? Trying to do some divergent thinking. Thanks for reading.
Has anyone tried "married and living apart"?
Submitted by JustVisiting on 06/20/2021.
I have not tried it, but have
Submitted by GracefulGal on
Thank you
Submitted by JustVisiting on
Thank you for sharing your experiences and thoughts about living apart while married. It understand about not wanting to bring up anything (like living apart) that might cause a big blowout. For me, I've noticed that writing it down and giving my husband a letter or email or even a text with new ideas or issues has lessened his reactivity. The temper trigger seems to be any kind of change in his life, truly any changes, so I will need to stay aware of this going into the discussion. Your comments remind me to turn to the written modality for better chance of success in communicating about this and any difficult topics. Best Wishes to you on your journey
Communicating
Submitted by tiredofbeinghis... on
I tried writing it down, sending a text or email that he could digest a little at a time, even leaving VM's on his phone so he could listen without having to immediately respond. He throws notes away unread, refuses to open texts or emails, and deletes VMs. The only thing that gets his attention is me not being available when he needs something. LOL. He has admitted that my absences are a “relief” for him because he becomes quickly overwhelmed by my need to communicate and do things together.
It's possible for married
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
It's possible for married couples to live apart (many do). I think the bigger issue is whether it's possible for couples to stay married and for both people to have a chance at satisfaction when one person is much more committed to the relationship than the other one is.
Eye opening
Submitted by JustVisiting on
Thank you for your thoughts and insight about levels of commitment. That resonated pretty deeply with me. I notice I have been avoiding taking a look at some realities in our relationship. This is hard to say: I don't think my husband and I are at the same level of relational commitment. I intend to do a lot more thinking and journaling about this. Thanks again, and Best Wishes to you
I think it's possible, but would it be fulfilling??
Submitted by c ur self on
We separated for one year, after 4.5 years...She can't get rid of much of anything, so she still owns her house (married 13 years ago) and it's just 2 miles from this one....I want go into all the details about her behaviors that limits closeness in our marriage...But to consider this (for me) would just mean weighing all the known benefits and challenges....Right off, I think it would be nice to clean this house again, and have an orderly environment I could invite friends and family into...But, because of the way her mind works now, and the shear independence of it....I think the respect for what God meant for a wife and husband to be in one anothers lives would fade in this independent environment....Please knock, Oh sorry, I've got plans, etc etc, Possibly end up being strangers after a while....I see it taking two very wise and committed people for this to work...Any selfishness or failure to respect what you vowed to be in each others lives....And lets face it...If we really were all the things it would take to work it out....Why in the world would we want it??
Bless u
c
I see myself
Submitted by JustVisiting on
Thank you for sharing your wisdom. What you said about wisdom and commitment really hit home. I am at the end of my rope. I think I am trying to patch a busted fire hydrant with a band-aid. I am starting to see myself, or trying to, through the lens of my own post. I see how my bond of loving him has obscured my own senses. I can see that refusing to get help and being a workaholic are billboards advertising how little he is invested in our marriage. I pray I can find hope and forgiveness. Separation is the last thing I wanted, but I don't believe God would want me to keep treating myself like garbage by staying in a baffling situation that has riddled me with anxiety and feelings of smallness. The excuses and unilateral decisions and angry outbursts are so draining; they are relational dead ends. I have asked, hinted, and begged him to work with me on our marriage. He looks at me with this blankness and tells me he doesn't know what I'm talking about. Living apart while staying married won't fix our problems. God help me as I separate. It was the last thing I wanted. My heart is broken.
Justvisiting
Submitted by c ur self on
Just want to share this....The reason you and I, and so many more struggle so badly in our emotions, is because in our hearts, we know that much of those lost blank stares we get in return from our pleas, are coming from a mind that isn't capable of much of anything else...So I will just leave you with this, be at peace with what ever you do (nothing are no one can hinder God's love for you) try to not think of you actions as permanent, (even though they may end up being) try to leave your heart open for change...Men and Women can change adhd or not....Many of us have spoiled our spouses, and to undo this takes time and pressure...Not eye for and eye pressure....But non-participation, walking away, and prevailing in pray...
((((hugs))))
c
Leaving space open for changes
Submitted by JustVisiting on
Thank you, c. Your calmness and perspective has helped me so much these past few days as I wrestle with this issue. My takeaways from your insight are that everything changes, this too shall pass, impermanence is the nature of everything (including my situation), and I can be at peace in the eye of the storm. There is no rush. I'm not in danger, thank God. Even if my husband and I separate, God's love will still stay with me. You really helped me remember to have compassion for the brain function of a person I love very much. This morning, I took a walk and felt a peacefulness and renewed sense of letting go. I am shifting my focus back to myself after many years in a marriage that felt like one long ADHD triage experience. I gotta let go of wanting specific outcomes and just live fully in each day. I don't know the future, but I am open to change and possibility from all sides. "Non-participation, walking away, and prayer" is deep wisdom that I intend to put into daily practice. I will leave space open for changes. ::: Many*big hugs* back to you :::
living apart
Submitted by kristina on
This is my dream. We are opposites about "things". I crave order and completion.
kristina
Submitted by JustVisiting on
I understand. My dream used to be us getting help, and now my dream is just peace and no more conflict. Living apart was not financially do-able for most of our marriage. One thing that worked for a while was him containing his collections (he doesn't throw things away) and hobby things to the spare bedroom, which we were fortunate to even have, truly. In retrospect, I feel like I tried many different things because I did not want to regret not having done my best.
Different if you have kids
Submitted by Beyondwitsend on
One of the aspects you should consider is whether you have kids, and if you do decide to live apart (but married), what kind of message that sends to your kids and what example of marriage you're providing them. For me, I'm not keen on setting an example of a completely dysfunctional marriage (I can't even call it a marriage--just a legal document at this point) for my kids. It makes me sad that they have no idea what it feels like to live with parents who have a healthy marriage or even a normal family life (I feel like a single parent many days, and I have two boys, so I don't want them to think their dad's behaviour is acceptable.)
you say nothing is permanent but my dear, with ADHD spouses it's groundhog's day each day. That will not change unless both parties are fully committed to therapy, coaching, medication, etc. And that takes a lot of work and recognition, which is made all the more difficult especially when one spouse (ADHD-Er) has the attention span and executive functioning issues.
stay strong.
Recognition
Submitted by JustVisiting on
It was just us. If there were children, I can't even imagine how much more complex and difficult this situation would be. Thank you for sharing. Recognition and commitment are problematic for us as a two-way street. He accepts his diagnosis, and that's it. When there are outbursts, etc., he is not able to connect it to his ADHD. Not verbally or outwardly, anyway. Maybe there is recognition inside him. I don't know. I may never know. The emotional labor of the non-ADHD spouse is immense, and I often wished he would see a good therapist instead. When my spouse refused therapy and medication, though, I had to make hard decisions every day. He used to say that it was hard enough for him to remember to brush his teeth, let alone make time and energy for counseling. If that's true, I can't imagine what it must be like to be him.
Living apart
Submitted by tiredofbeinghis... on
I used to travel for work and considered those days in a hotel a respite from the chaos and a way to recharge. Now that I am not traveling any more, I make sure I get periodic alone time at our vacation home. I know I am very lucky to have that option and appreciate it every day. Without those breaks, I'm pretty sure I would not still be in the marriage, but admit that it doesn't solve the loneliness and emotional neglect that comes with being in a relationship with someone who is unable to connect. It's just a survival mechanism.
Alone time
Submitted by JustVisiting on
Thank you for sharing. Alone time has also been important in my years of marriage experience, too. It seemed like it was helpful for him (ADHD spouse) as well. Since this was my first and only marriage, I don't have a non-ADHD marriage to compare it with, but after the honeymoon ended, emotional availability was not something I experienced from him every again. I don't think he was able to access that part of himself during the relationship. I don't think it was intentional. I could be wrong, but I would like to give him the benefit of the doubt.
I am using past tense now because he decided to transfer jobs and move out, so we are separating. He doesn't want divorce, but he doesn't want relational reality, either. He is living quite some distance away now. I am in our marital home. It is peaceful, but what I really wanted was for us to get help, for him to get real about his ADHD. I'm getting counseling for myself now. Maybe my story will help others gain insight into what can happen if there is no willingness to get help. God bless all.
LOL I fantasize about living
Submitted by JillP on
LOL I fantasize about living in a duplex. One side for each of us and a door in the shared wall. As it is, after 20 years of marriage we live like roommates anyway. We sleep in separate bedrooms and do our own things. He's wholly absorbed in his computer and phone, so I just do my own thing. Some days I'm okay with it, other times I'm not.
Living apart from the ADHD partner to keep peace and commitment
Submitted by forfolk on
Your question is, "Has anyone done something drastically different and inordinate such as living apart but nearby their spouse in order to have a peaceful sanctuary to oneself while remaining wholly committed to the marriage?"
I have been seriously considering the same solution, so I'd like to read any answers to this post. My ADHD significant other and I live near each other, and we had talked about giving up one of our homes after an eventual wedding. During the last year or so in most of those conversations he's wanted us to move eventually into his home. I'd agreed because I've tended to be more adaptable to different places to live, and his home is bigger, i.e. ample space for his tools and his workspace, and at least theoretically there's also room for a workspace for me and indeed maybe even space for a tenant, for some extra income. Just now, however, we have begun discussing that I may keep my separate home even after the wedding, at least for a while, for three main reasons.
One reason is the same you gave above, relating to work. I work from home, and he has such a different style I think my job would suffer if I didn't have a consistent work space separate from his. However, keeping a separate work space organized in his home would add stress, because there are major unfinished renovations, and overlying them a significant layer that has built up as he puts things down on available surfaces or starts to sort things. I love him and realize his home and its contents are very important to him, so I don't like the idea of putting pressure on him about his space, but I think he has a hard time recognizing how challenging it might be to do my work in a place where I can't sit down, set anything down or access a desk without moving piles of clothes, papers, memorabilia and parts of something being repaired. For my work I also have to travel occasionally, and I'd be tense about returning home after travel to find that a work space I've tried to keep organized has been lost to the entropy, making for extra cleaning just when I'm most tired.
The house in its current state is not very healthy for me and I think for him, with asthma triggers possibly interfering with sleep. I feel a little nauseated about no door to close on the only bathroom that contains a working shower and toilet. But I can see that his job pushes him for time, even for tasks he agrees are needed around the house.
A second aspect about living separately (which I don't completely understand and it may have nothing to do with ADHD--still in learning mode about this but I mention it for completeness) is that he doesn't want me to share ownership of the house even if I live in it, because it would dilute his control. I've shown him all my expenditures but he has yet to do the same for me, so I don't really know how he spends. I would feel more secure living where financial arrangements are transparent to me.
A final reason is our different priorities for space for the parts of life outside our jobs. In my home, though smaller, I've been able to set aside room not only for income, cooking and sleeping, but also for family guests and hobbies, which have been important to me. Discussing that we could live together in my home "just temporarily" until he's been able to finish more of the renovations in progress in his, he's observed that parts of mine are inadequate and there are further improvements he can make there as well; I've previously bought parts for improvements he mentioned he could do, but as previously stated, his job mostly doesn't leave him time (though I'm very grateful that he has done certain repairs if I work alongside him, which can be fun). Notably without a garage, and with only a couple of closets and counters that can be filled with spare bits and pieces taken from other items he's taking apart, I lack space he's accustomed to use throughout his home to keep a variety of projects in varying degrees of progress for when he has time. Also, in a home that is not his, he mostly picks up after himself because he's going to go home and take his things with him, including tools, but it seems he forgets about that, or feels it unnecessary, in the house where he lives.
So maybe we'll both be happier doing certain obvious things together, at one house or the other, but continuing to maintain both homes for other parts of our lives. You mentioned that one of your considerations is that keeping two homes is a financial negative, but ahead of marriage I'm appreciating that it may be worth the price, after all it is what we are currently doing, and I'd be interested to read others' thoughts on this. If it helps to provide a happier marriage, I'd want to know!