My bf texted me Saturday morning that he drove up to his family's lake house 8 hours away and would not be helping me move the next day. He was acting distant for a couple days before. I have known him for 8 years and we have been together for over 3. I just helped him move last month, and I just moved to the same town he's in. Thank God my uncle is such a great person because otherwise it would have been me and my dad. Bf wouldn't pick up the phone when he texted me because he was 'in the car with his family.' He said he would call later and didn't. My mom, who couldn't help because she had to care for my disabled brother, asked bf to contact her. He apologized to her for not calling yet, but never did.
When he was being distant I said I was concerned. First he said he was really busy at work; then he said he was feeling unhappy and didn't feel like talking; finally he said he's been unhappy with our communication lately. I don't know what to make of this. On the most basic level, I would think he would keep his commitment of helping me move, especially after one of his brothers didn't help him move because he didn't feel like it. My bf had helped him with a few big moves, but the brother just didn't feel like helping him. Bf's other brother offered a few weeks ago to help me move. I asked bf this week if he was coming; bf said he didn't think so because his brother decided to go to the lake. I asked why it didn't seem to bother him that his brother looked me in the eye and offered to help and then changed his mind. Bf ignored the question.
I am writing this only phone since I don't have internet at my new apt yet, so that's why the post is so choppy. I asked bf, so you drop this on me and won't pick up your phone because you are on vacation? And he said 'yeah.' A few nights before we went to our Homebrew club meeting and signed up for a competition in October.. We were getting along fine and everything was normal as far as I knew. He even tucked me in the next morning when he left for work. The only tension all week was a couple of snide comments I made out of stress, which Im not proud of, about whether he likes someone he works with. I know it's immature of me, but sometimes he's hard to trust and I say the wrong thing. I know I'm not responsible for his behavior though, and I need a few opinions. He has literally run away from me multiple times before when he can't regulate his own stress. Recently I actually told him it was okay that he was late to pick me up for something, that we could still go but I thought we'd miss the part I wanted to attend. He blamed our missing it on my not sprinting outside when he arrived. He screamed at me on the phone and said he was driving away. I hadn't raised my voice at all and was trying to be flexible, but maybe because I didn't do what he wanted, he flipped. Anyway, I am sad and shocked right now. I don't know what to do.
Dear Crossfingers
Submitted by jennalemon on
Find a nice man who is able to care for you and treat you like someone he WANTS to be with. He is breaking up with you with one foot in the door for whatever reason he isn't being honest with you and keeping you on a LONG leash. Cut the cord and begin your life with some dignity and voice.
Hi jennalemon,
Submitted by crossingfingers... on
Thanks for your reply. I realized I wrote this post hastily and it is somewhat incoherent. I think you are right--what I can't understand is why he is doing this. We had a long talk the other day and I thought we were moving in the right direction. Then he dropped it on me that he is going to the annual "guys' weekend" this weekend; he has been on like 5 vacations in the last year (sometimes while unemployed) and has taken me on none. He "forgot that [he] hadn't told me about it" and he flew off the handle because I was upset that he is being selfish again (I didn't even call it that outright). He starting being insulting, yelled over me and then talked to me like a child: "Just tell me what you want to do and we'll do it, do you want to go away together? The great thing about the plans (guys' weekend) is I can come and go whenever I want." Um, how about he show some initiative and make plans with me instead of me having to bargain for his time and attention? Can he say no to them for once? He talks to me like I am an obligation that he has to fulfill. I don't know why he doesn't understand that his inaction makes him look uninterested in me. He says "yes" to whomever invites him to something and doesn't take the initiative to plan anything with me. The fight blew up when he got dramatic and mean (of course he blamed me for all of this). Whenever I would state a feeling ("I felt like it was rude when you were on the phone with your friend when you came to pick me up and didn't tell me you were outside"), he would tell me it didn't matter because life is short, and I shouldn't be upset about it. He was so mad that we were even talking about it. And he would say things like "Well f*** me for even existing" after I stated a feeling. What?? How does he get that from anything I said?
What I can't understand is why he is, as you said, breaking up with me with one foot in the door/isn't being honest/is keeping me on a long leash. He blames me for his self-declared inability to make me happy. He is very avoidant, and I've said to him that it makes it look like he doesn't want to be together. He said he wants to be together but that is the only way he knows how to cope. I said, do you think of my feelings when you withdraw? He said it's hard to remember to think of them. Why would he bother stringing me along so disrespectfully? I think I need to understand it to be able to move on.
Resources
Submitted by kellyj on
Your a resource for him in case he needs something you have later as a back up. Jennalemon is right...that's why he not being honest. If he was honest he would say," hey, do you mind if I string you along in case I need something from you later...would that be alright?"
"F&*k you" would be my answer.
Watch and listen each time he calls you....if he never calls unless he needs something from you, you have your answer.
Take care
J