Hi All,
My partner has ADHD and he is recently going through a rough period with his work, particularly with the uncertainty of losing his job as well as being in the early stages of his career in his field. We've had a couple of heated conversations where he says that he is not being seen by me and that I don't understand what he's going through. He sees my day-to-day and ends up comparing his situation to mine, as well as his situations to other "careers". I'm generally very patient with him, especially when he has manic episodes due to the amount of stress he's on, but in general, he almost doesn't want to hear what I have to say. I try to be encouraging and I genuinely believe in him, but no matter what I say, I end up being the one told that I don't understand and will never understand what he's going through. For some background, we've been together for almost two years (he's in his early 30s and I'm 26), he's had ADHD since he was a child and he takes a pill in the morning and a pill to fall asleep at night, he has bi-weekly therapy sessions (I am sometimes with him in his sessions and they generally only help in the moment), and at times of very high stress - he ends up having to drink alcohol to take away his present pain.
I don't necessarily know how to frame my problem other than that I don't know what else I can do to be any more supportive than I already am. I listen and I generally am very objective when communicating to him, but any type of actionable comment or advice I give him will backfire and he will then use his go-to reply of "you don't understand", which does hurt me a bit, but I get it. I see myself as a generally stoic person, while he is pretty much the opposite and can get very emotional. I do love him, so I try to educate myself on ADHD and how to love him, but sometimes it can get hard and I feel like giving up.
If you have any comments, questions, or advise, do let me know.
Thanks
We can't understand is right.....
Submitted by c ur self on
I think one of the biggest mistakes I've made with my wife, and many on this site seems to have made (based on their posts) is trying to engage verbally with our spouse's who say things like you will never understand, or those in denial...Any time a person (add or not) justifies their actions, or defends them as right for them...We who continue to question them, are just refusing to respect them.....
It's better to respect them, even if that means moving on....Your husband sounds like someone I know....32 years old, and in a new business....Very smart, and very gifted, and person people love....But he has had trouble on his job, because of seeking concessions....He thinks he should be allowed to sleep later than the rest of the crew etc....He defends that is just who he is....He will learn, grow, and mature is my prayer for him....
The post right before your's was about Non's and their denial....We can't use the excuse that we love someone, so we try to fix them, even if that means contradicting every action and belief they have about themselves and the relationship etc....
The older I get, the more I understand one thing.....There are sooooo many people who went to a marriage alter, who's lives will never work in a marriage relationship....You either carry them, live like they don't exist or leave them...There in a different bubble, and it's impossible for them to interlock.....
c
He is right.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
Because you don't have ADHD, you can never understand what that is like. Everything c ur self posted, I agree with. Also, his drinking would concern me. People with ADHD often have problems with addiction, from the books and articles I've read. My fiance told me that he has a problem with substances, evident from a cocaine addiction that almost killed him when he was younger. ( We are both in our 50's. ) He goes through periods when he smokes too much weed, then has a heckuva time coming off of it, despite many who claim Marijuana is harmless and non addictive. ( Insert eye roll here. ) He uses it to deal with back pain, which does the trick after a couple of weeks. Then he continues to smoke it because almost everyone at his work smokes it at work on their breaks, and he likes being high/stoned.
He can no longer smoke or vape it, because he had a heart attack in early February. Maybe this will force him to come up with another way of dealing with his problems or with boredom, which are a part of life for all of us. We all deal with our issues and stress differently. There has to be a way to manage these things in a healthy way. Using any substance does not heal pain, in the end your problems are still there.
Are you trying to decide if
Submitted by PepperPots on
Are you trying to decide if you should move on? Or maybe you're not sure what you're looking for right now. One absolute way to determine your course of action is to decide if you could manage having a family with him. And please....trust me, if he's drinking over a job he'll be a full blown alki when children and a family make demands on him! My husband can only focus on one thing at a time, but not more than one. He can either hyper focus on his job or on the family. Since we have to have money that means the family is sacrificed. But, it's not that black and white. Anyway, it's just a suggestion.