Hi all,
I'm new here. Up late tonight very frustrated. Could really use some sympathy or insight as to how to cope...
Right now, I am dealing with a LOT of stress. It's so bad that I am witnessing physical effects happening as a result. DH is well aware of this. And I keep telling him about how overwhelmed I've been feeling, especially lately. And yet, he still insists on asking me to do all kinds of "simple" additional tasks throughout the day and then gets mad at me when I don't want to do them (or *gasp* I forget to do them). This REALLY infuriates me!
First - there are SO many times when I ask him to do something and he either takes forever to do it or doesn't do it AT ALL! So I am really peeved when he gets all riled up at me for not doing something, but when HE doesn't do something, I'm supposed to let it slide or just "understand." Of course I do try to understand his daily struggles, but I sure as heck would appreciate some dang reciprocity!
Second - he has NO idea how many "simple" requests he actually makes of me throughout the day. "Can you get my under clothes for the day?" "Can you go find my MetroCard?" "Can you call Verizon to check on service stuff?" "Can you go to the post office to maybe pick up my package for me?" "Can you go get me XYZ snack from the fridge?" "Can you go find my flashlight?" (those are just some requests from today, btw.) To him, these just seem like "easy" things that can be done in a matter of seconds or minutes. And yes, that's indeed true for most of them. And under normal circumstances, I might not have such an issue. But when I am stressed and/or overwhelmed, it just feels like one more darn thing I have to add to an already overflowing "to do" list. And if it's such a "simple" task, why the heck doesn't he just do it himself? Why not give me a break and not add to my list?
When I say no, and point out that I have too many things on my "to do" list, he has the nerve to say, "Oh, but that's not an extra thing. It's not an extra to do." OH REALLY!?!?! So having to sit for god knows how long on the phone with a customer service rep isn't an extra "to do"?
I've tried so many times to explain this to him. That it's not about the "task" itself, but about needing to not feel like I'm being "piled" on. He just does NOT get it! His usual response is, "Well FINE. I just won't ask you for ANYTHING!" Because, yeah...that will actually happen...*rolls eyes*
Does anyone else experience this? Any tips for how to cope? Any success in getting your DH to understand?
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Submitted by kellyj on
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Stop Doing It
Submitted by kellyj on
I could write a really lengthy response with all the examples of this I have lived with at various times with different people only to say that I have a good feeling of why people do this. I think for different people it really is for different reasons but it all boils down to a need to control others. It's not from the need to have someone else do these miniscule tasks for them. It really is ridiculous if you think about it.
What you said is exactly to the point..." And if it's such a "simple" task, why the heck doesn't he just do it himself? Exactly. The question is WHY?
I have ADHD and I don't do this. I'm the extreme opposite in that to a fault.....I try and do everything myself even to my own detriment sometimes when I really should ask for help. I've since tried to find a happy medium but I rarely ask other people to do things for me except when I realize now...the times I should ask.
My wife unfortunately....has this same issue and for her....I'm pretty sure I understand why she does this. It's her way of forcing me to pay attention to her and even to the point of making herself feel special or important by having me do things for her that she could easily do herself. It comes from feeling insecure, having low self esteem and a need to control from her internal feelings of being out of control herself. I get it... but it still doesn't change the fact that she does this and I had to ween her from this somewhat because of all the things you said. I am already feeling overwhelmed at times trying to work on my ADHD symptoms and improving on the other things she wants from me (the legitimate ones)....so these superfluous tasks that are designed to improve how she feels about herself (making her feel more special) are really just a form of manipulation for her own deficit in self esteem. And at the end of it all.....it's only a temporary fix because her self esteem is really what is at issue.
Arguing with her on the level of the tasks themselves was a waste of time. As you discovered....the rationale of your H's responses are irrational and make no sense what so ever. He isn't aware of why he does this himself so all he can do is come up with some lame ass excuse to explain this unseen inner need for control.
What I did do was to stop doing these things by calling a spade a spade right then in the moment. "I'm busy right now doing other things you want (my to do list)....can you get this yourself?" and leave it at that. It was the truth and it was easy for her to see. Not that she liked it because she didn't. She would pout and sulk and get pissy with me later and I could easily see this was connected to me not feeding into her insecurity.
For argument sake...let's pretend at least that even though I have ADHD which can bring some of this out in her, I make concerted efforts to give her plenty of attention in other ways and she is not hurting for quality or quantity time with me. This is not about me in this case and I am very clear on this much.
One of my best friends (still is to this day)....has this annoying feature about him. Everyone who knows him knows this about him. He will get everyone doing things for him all the time if you let him and the answer is.....don't let him! With us (his male long time friends)......we are not so subtle with how we do this either.
In my own words " WTF is wrong with your legs.... get your own damn XXXX....you got an ingrown toenail or is your ass glued to the chair?" One of many examples of how I deal with him. lol He will just smile which means he acknowledges that you are on to him. It doesn't change his behavior and he will get up to get whatever but later...he will just try again another time. For him...this never ends and it has always been this way. All you can do is to not do it when they ask. Trying to get them to see what is behind this kind of behavior, arguing about it, complaining on your end is futile and will not make them stop.
The only answer is for you to stop and then put up with the fallout for a while. Eventually.....even they will catch on that you are not going to keep doing it and they will at least stop the pouting or other means to keep you doing it. My wife still sulks and gets depressed for a short while after I refuse but I have come to expect this too and just ignore this behavior also. By ignoring her in these moments....I'm also saying (without saying it) "nice try but that's not going to work either." lol
We did recently come to a verbal agreement about this together....that instead of getting into it with each other...she didn't promise not to like it when I tell her no but.....she did agree not to pursue it later and get over it as long I just leave her alone to sulk for a while in order for her to do this. I can live with that:)
That doesn't mean they won't keep trying but at least....you won't be affected other than it just being annoying every time they keep trying with no results from you.
J