Submitted by inthedark on 01/11/2017.
He said he would call and come over. Didn't call, got drunk instead. When I said I 'didn't want to talk' and expected him to say 'please we need to talk' or something, he just said 'ok suits me'! Just don't know how much longer I can put up with it, but feel as if I am in love with him. I have anxiety issues myself, but if I say I am going to call I do, how hard is it to just send a text and say I can't make it. I am beginning to think he just likes hurting me or is trying to push me away, and it's working! but my heart is breaking.
I am so sorry....
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
I know this totally sucks. My husband was like this too in the beginning. It was so rude. I literally would turn around on the way to his house (out of state) because I just didnt want to deal with it. But because I made promises to his daughter and mom - I would turn back around and head back over to his house. While my husband didnt get drunk or anything, he would use me as his "plan b"... so if nothing ELSE was going on, then he would hang out with me. I can remember asking him if he wanted to do anything the following weekend while I was up seeing him, and he said he had to see what all was going on first. That hurt. It was like the second time I had gone up to see him. There were many times since then that he wouldnt call when he said - and would just say "oops I forgot" or "I was so into the game I didnt think about it" - what ever. All excuses, didnt change the fact that it was rude. He sure didnt like it if *I* didnt do what I said. So many times he acted like I was an inconvienience or a hassle. I look back and am amazed that I stayed. I mean - I know WHY I stayed, because there were moments that who I thought the real him was came out and I loved him. I stayed and put up with the rudeness, the hurt, the lies because I so deeply loved the guy inside that mask.
The only thing I can say is that you are not alone, and I know that most of us on this forum have experienced this same disrespect and callousness. The same inconsideration. I would honestly recommend running for the hills my friend. If you are not legally bound to this man, leave while you can, leave while you have a shred of softness left in you. He will not change until he is ready to change, and nothing you can do will probably speed that up. I have stayed with my husband and stuck by his side through some pretty bad stuff. And he still is going to leave and run away because its just too much work for him and too hard to just be a husband. Too much responsibility. He wants to have all the benefits of a relationship with none of the responsibility. He also wants to exit and not look like the bad guy - so he manipulates me over and over to get what he wants and needs, all while keeping me on the hook with the barest of crumbs... empty promises of "My future is with you, I am going to work on things with you".... only to be taken back at the first test of his honor.
I gave all I had, and he gave a fraction of his - and that seems to be the sad normal story of those in situations where that unkindness is. There are plenty of ADHD folks who are loving, who might just be a hot mess, but they DO care and the DO try. But you wont find many of those stories here sadly. And while I dont know you or your whole situation - if you are posting that here, it makes me think that its bad enough that you are looking for support, and you are honestly addressing his treatment of you.
If you choose to stay with him - you will have to learn how to depersonalize everthing. You will have to learn to insulate yourself, and not let his inconsideration and rudeness not hurt you. You will have to meet your own needs, and find emotional support elsewhere. If you can do that, then you might have a shot of happiness. (going on the idea that he will not change or work to manage his tendencies). Sorry if I seem so downer about it - but I am a realist these days. What was soft in side of me has hardened over the past 7 years. I am working very hard to preserve whats left, by letting go and planning a life with out him in it. He is choosing again, to leave. Only this time I am not gonna fight, he can leave with my blessing. And when he does - I will learn to live in a way that will allow me to be happy with who I am. I want to find love, I want the same love that I had given to him be returned to me. I deserve that. You deserve that. If you keep trying to live off crumbs, you will shrivel away into nothing. I almost lost all of me in trying to help him... when he refused to ever help himself because he didnt care enough to do so.
The worst of it is - truely, it really isnt YOU that is the problem. If you are set on making it work, I would suggest reading Melissa's book if you havent already. It will help you deal with it, and it will help you understand it and help you to learn that you can only do so much. Even if you do what the book says (like I did) it still is in the ADHD person's hands to manage their own issues. If they dont, NOTHING you do will make a difference in the relationship - other than saving you from drowning in it.
There could be any reason in the world why he is pushing you away. I know my husband has a laundry list of them - all things that can be addressed and resolved, and i was willing to put in the time and work because I believed him. I dont anymore. His life is his, and he will have to figure it out. When he leaves our home and our marriage, all those things that he said were problems are going to follow him. They have nothing to do with me, and everything to do with him. Its the same with your boyfriend. Until he can figure out how to resolve his own issues, he cant be good to you. And that much is clear by his cavalier attitude when he ditched you.
thank you Stacey
Submitted by inthedark on
Thank you so much for your reply. At this moment I am not in contact with him, although I still do think about him and the 'nice' things he said and did for me. I can see from your reply how exhausted you are, and I must say that since I last spoke to him, a couple of weeks ago, when he talked interminably about himself, that I feel a lot more relaxed and just able to get on with my life. The sad thing is he knows he has a problem but never diagnosed, and he said people are always 'telling him where to go' lol. It's just irritating when as you say they are wearing a mask, and just go at a hundred miles an hour to avoid facing something, don't know what it is. Anyway, like you, I am hoping to meet someone 'normal'. As you say you can only give so much, and they seem to have this 'self pity' going on all the time, which I can't stand. If you're such a hopeless case DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! I've been thinking he was mean to me to push me away on purpose, because he said he was causing me stress at one stage, but that's the problem it's so confusing, and you don't know if that's the case or it's just an excuse to get rid of you!