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Hi Cmo22, You wrote a post in Jan of 2017 about your husbands abusive attitude toward your then 10 year old Son....Some very caring people gave you some very good advice...Which I noticed you never responded back to....And now 17 months later, here you are talking about a man who (based on your posts) is dangerous to be around....But, you are still forcing your innocents to be subjected to his abuse...You are an adult, so if you don't think no more of yourself to continue to subject yourself to his abusive behavior then you've made your choice....
You know the next time he cuts someone off or runs someone down in a rage, it may not end with just a damaged car....I hope you think about it, and do something for your children....Your husband has deep emotional problems, and unpredictable anger and rage (based on your posts)....He needs help...I think you do also...There is help out there, but you have to CARE enough to humble yourself and go seek it out....
If you are fearful of him, don't be....Your children need you to Love and Care for them enough, to find your Courage...Life don't have to be lived with an abusive spouse....Don't end up unable to forgive yourself and full of regrets....
So I guess I can't help but feel slightly attacked. I did reread my post from last year and all the well meaning advice was "take your kids and get out of there now!" Which is generally easier said than done (in a forum where most spouses have been dealing with this behavior for 20+ years). My problem between then and now is that things did get better, and then worse, and then better, etc. And now we are here. I guess what I failed to mention in the post is that this will be my last attempt at a normal life with him and if he doesn't finally seek consistent help then I really will leave. My son has begged me to stay and help and I owe it to my kids to not put them on a plane 1,000 miles away and leave their entire lives behind. Thanks for the prayers (I guess)
I apologize that you felt attacked...I can be direct...I am a Father and a Grandfather....I only told you what I would tell my own daughter if she and my grandchildren were being subjected to what you and your children are....
A person can get numb to unhealthy and abusive behavior when they have an attachment (love them) to the abuser....It's Hope!....But you probably posted the circumstances of his actions to hear some unbiased opinions....I don't regret giving you one....And I did pray for you, and will continue to....I'm not telling you to leave...But if you can't set boundaries (anger management, not allowing the kids to be in a car with him until he is under control etc...) that he would respect...Then you probably will just keep experiencing more the same....
I do appreciate your response. I guess I took offense to the directness, which is probably just my own issue. You're right about setting boundaries, which I something that usually falls to the wayside and we don't stick to a consistent treatment option. I have told him that I think he is addicted to stimulation, and like any other addiction, it is a lifelong struggle that can't be ignored. I am hoping this time he truly seeks help. Thank you
You are being abused!!!! Your H has anger issues which are affecting you and your family. How would you feel if the next time this happens (and without treatment there will be one) the other driver pulls out a gun and shoots into your car and your child is shot? This type of incident actually happened on Christmas night some years back on the parkway in our area but instead of the child, it was the wife who got shot and died, the shooter was never caught. What about all the other families driving on the same road while this "show of manhood" was going on? The unpredictability of this show of force could have taken out many other innocent victims caused completely by his lack of self control. HIS self-control.
Nobody "makes" someone act a certain way. SELF-control is about regulating one's emotions and reacting in an appropriate manner. If your husband is reckless because he feels disrespected by a stranger in another car and retaliates for something that could have been an honest maneuvering error by a new driver, HE is out of control. NOBODY MADE HIM act like a jerk. He chose his reaction, he could have chosen to ignore the other driver. He chose to endanger the very people who should be his world and then acted the victim completely unconcerned about the results of his choices.
If you really hate your life as you posted, do something to change it. Your husband is not going to change. You are teaching your children that his behavior is acceptable and being treated like trash by one's spouse is also acceptable.
Thank you for your post. I do realize all of those things and have given him the ultimatum that he either seeks lifelong help or I really have to go. He wont be driving my car or any car with our children in it any time soon either.
Sweetheart, I've been in your shoes. My first husband was like this, and it was scary as hell. We had two small children. I feared for their lives as well as my own, especially from the road rage, and the general anger he always seemed to have. Plus, there was also the "victim mindset" he was always in.
You said you felt "attacked" by the advice you got several months ago. I looked at, and read all those posts. My dear, they weren't attacking you, these folks are genuinely SCARED for you and your children. I am too. I know you think you may be able to handle it, because you've been living in it for so long. You shouldn't HAVE to handle this, because it's not the way loving people treat each other. You are in a dangerous situation, and your children are absolutely powerless. I grew up in an abusive home, where I wasn't wanted, and growing up to adulthood feeling like you have no power whatsoever, and no voice, and no love, set me up for so many failures. First problem, was that I married a man who was like my abusers, because it was all I knew.
Anyway, my main point is this. Your children WILL ask you why you didn't love them enough to help keep them safe, and why didn't you get away and protect them? I Lived this, along with many other people I know. I did leave my abusive husband and got away while the children were still young. Thank God. My mother and stepfather helped get us out.
When people used to give me advice back then, I saw it as an attack too, because I didn't know the difference between actual love and caring, sexual "love" which I felt was sort of like love, a false love and caring verses REAL love and caring words and actions. You mentioned that you married young, and so did I. But, I didn't know enough about myself or the world, to be able to navigate through most of the adult things I should have been prepared for. There was SO much that I just didn't KNOW, and I felt ignorant, and out of place, even with my peers. My peers went on to college, learned things, traveled, expanded their knowledge, and I was at home with an abusive husband and a child. I wanted SOMETHING I did to succeed, and since the only thing I had was my marriage, I DESPERATELY wanted it to work. But, it couldnt, it wouldnt, because my Ex-husband would not and did not SEE the need for change within himself. He was dangerous. And unchecked anger in anyone, is dangerous, regardless whether or not they have ADHD. When a grown man is threatening a smaller and weaker person ESPECIALLY the ones he says he loves, he is dangerous. He has a warped sense of what true LOVE is, and love is not about control. So many men (sometimes women) think that if they can control everything around them, THEN.....their life will be okay. It WONT, and this is not healthy thinking.
He also had tons of road rage, and would also instigate problems with other drivers, even with us in the car. Which meant he had NO REAL love towards me and the kids. It was all about him, and whoever got in his way. Again this this was not love, REGARDLESS of how he would tell me how much he "loved" me. He wanted control, and power, and love, but he wanted love HIS way, which was not healthy. And, he didn't KNOW the difference between healthy relationships, and unhealthy ones.
I said all that, to say this. It's not your job to show this man what a "healthy" relationship is. He's not ready to know that yet, and maybe never will. I pray he does come to a good point to where he searches this out. But, the first thing is the safety for you and your children. Your son has already been damaged, please don't let him be subjected to more. Children absorb all the pain, hurt, and stress from their parents and relationships, whether you see it in them or not. It's there. And, it's teaching them how to become an adult. It's teaching them that they are powerless against mean and hurtful people, and that they have to accept being abused or picked on. Or, they could go the opposite and become abusers themselves. Sadly, it's usually one or the other.
But, you can teach them a better way, for them, and for yourself. I know NO ONE in here, ever wants to see marriages break up, and will say so. But, I strongly urge you to talk to someone, (a professional) about your options. Is it scary, YES, and when I did it, I was terrified. But, I got myself and my kids to a safe place and got a lawyer. The divorce was granted,and both lawyers couldn't believe the actions of my ex. They were just amazed, and felt sad for us, but it was nice to see these capable men defending me and protecting me against a violent, irrational person.
I married again, and this man adopted my children, and we are still together. That was 35 years ago. But, I married a person who was diagnosed with ADHD, about 11 years ago. It's been difficult absolutely, but not abusive. But, this is a whole other story.I
I am praying for you today, and that God's love surround you today, and His angels protect you and your children.
Thank you for taking the time to respond. My comment about being attacked was toward the first responder here, not the original post. Honestly I don't even think I knew there was responses to the first post as I don't get any notifications here. Anyway, I appreciate you sharing your experience and I understand what I have to do. Honestly the reason why things haven't changed (and probably gotten worse) since my original post in 2017 is because he doesn't stick to a consistent treatment. His original therapist wasn't a good fit, so he quit after a few sessions. He got busy with work and never went back, but I also didn't press the matter further. I'm giving him about a month to find a doctor in our city that accepts our insurance and to make the first appointment, or I told him I wont be able to sit by and wait for the "next time." Because there absolutely will be one. Once we figure out our car situation he wont be able to drive the children for a while and I've said he wont be allowed to drive on the highway (this is where most of the rage happens and we only drive on the highway when we go downtown as a family). Until I feel like he has more control of his anger, it just has to be this way. And I should have done this long before now. So this will be my last attempt at a "normal" life with him, like you said the kids shouldn't have to be subjected to this while picking up bad habits along the way. He was subjected to all kinds of abuse and negative behaviors as a kid that were never dealt with, so I'd like to go ahead and break that cycle. Thank you again.
It's great that you've set a time limit. This is something more folks are suggesting and doing here also. Good for you. I'm sorry if I sounded too strong or "preachy". I'm still dealing with much of my own unresolved issues from so many years of neglect, abuse, untreated ADHD, as well as still trying to become a better, more knowledgeable, and healthier person myself. I have a long way to go. Abuse and neglect can certainly take its toll, which I will be writing about in a different post.
In your response, you sound as if you're on a good path, and I do wish you all the best. It's so hard when a spouse may be in denial, or has anger issues of any sort. My ADH D husband responds in anger to most things, and is still in denial of how his ADH D symptoms affect him and our family.
Anyway, I pray the very best for you and your family.
Thank you so much. And not preachy at all. I understand that much advice is not always what we want to hear, but is given with our well being in mind. Best of luck to you xo
You are in a very very unhealthy situation....
Submitted by c ur self on
Hi Cmo22, You wrote a post in Jan of 2017 about your husbands abusive attitude toward your then 10 year old Son....Some very caring people gave you some very good advice...Which I noticed you never responded back to....And now 17 months later, here you are talking about a man who (based on your posts) is dangerous to be around....But, you are still forcing your innocents to be subjected to his abuse...You are an adult, so if you don't think no more of yourself to continue to subject yourself to his abusive behavior then you've made your choice....
You know the next time he cuts someone off or runs someone down in a rage, it may not end with just a damaged car....I hope you think about it, and do something for your children....Your husband has deep emotional problems, and unpredictable anger and rage (based on your posts)....He needs help...I think you do also...There is help out there, but you have to CARE enough to humble yourself and go seek it out....
If you are fearful of him, don't be....Your children need you to Love and Care for them enough, to find your Courage...Life don't have to be lived with an abusive spouse....Don't end up unable to forgive yourself and full of regrets....
I will pray for your family...
c
So I guess I can't help but
Submitted by cmo22 (not verified) on
So I guess I can't help but feel slightly attacked. I did reread my post from last year and all the well meaning advice was "take your kids and get out of there now!" Which is generally easier said than done (in a forum where most spouses have been dealing with this behavior for 20+ years). My problem between then and now is that things did get better, and then worse, and then better, etc. And now we are here. I guess what I failed to mention in the post is that this will be my last attempt at a normal life with him and if he doesn't finally seek consistent help then I really will leave. My son has begged me to stay and help and I owe it to my kids to not put them on a plane 1,000 miles away and leave their entire lives behind. Thanks for the prayers (I guess)
Sticking with Reality cmo22 can be hard to swallow....
Submitted by c ur self on
I apologize that you felt attacked...I can be direct...I am a Father and a Grandfather....I only told you what I would tell my own daughter if she and my grandchildren were being subjected to what you and your children are....
A person can get numb to unhealthy and abusive behavior when they have an attachment (love them) to the abuser....It's Hope!....But you probably posted the circumstances of his actions to hear some unbiased opinions....I don't regret giving you one....And I did pray for you, and will continue to....I'm not telling you to leave...But if you can't set boundaries (anger management, not allowing the kids to be in a car with him until he is under control etc...) that he would respect...Then you probably will just keep experiencing more the same....
c
I do appreciate your response
Submitted by cmo22 (not verified) on
I do appreciate your response. I guess I took offense to the directness, which is probably just my own issue. You're right about setting boundaries, which I something that usually falls to the wayside and we don't stick to a consistent treatment option. I have told him that I think he is addicted to stimulation, and like any other addiction, it is a lifelong struggle that can't be ignored. I am hoping this time he truly seeks help. Thank you
This is a big sign
Submitted by adhd32 on
You are being abused!!!! Your H has anger issues which are affecting you and your family. How would you feel if the next time this happens (and without treatment there will be one) the other driver pulls out a gun and shoots into your car and your child is shot? This type of incident actually happened on Christmas night some years back on the parkway in our area but instead of the child, it was the wife who got shot and died, the shooter was never caught. What about all the other families driving on the same road while this "show of manhood" was going on? The unpredictability of this show of force could have taken out many other innocent victims caused completely by his lack of self control. HIS self-control.
Nobody "makes" someone act a certain way. SELF-control is about regulating one's emotions and reacting in an appropriate manner. If your husband is reckless because he feels disrespected by a stranger in another car and retaliates for something that could have been an honest maneuvering error by a new driver, HE is out of control. NOBODY MADE HIM act like a jerk. He chose his reaction, he could have chosen to ignore the other driver. He chose to endanger the very people who should be his world and then acted the victim completely unconcerned about the results of his choices.
If you really hate your life as you posted, do something to change it. Your husband is not going to change. You are teaching your children that his behavior is acceptable and being treated like trash by one's spouse is also acceptable.
Thank you for your post. I do
Submitted by cmo22 (not verified) on
Thank you for your post. I do realize all of those things and have given him the ultimatum that he either seeks lifelong help or I really have to go. He wont be driving my car or any car with our children in it any time soon either.
Cmo22, road rage and abuse
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Sweetheart, I've been in your shoes. My first husband was like this, and it was scary as hell. We had two small children. I feared for their lives as well as my own, especially from the road rage, and the general anger he always seemed to have. Plus, there was also the "victim mindset" he was always in.
You said you felt "attacked" by the advice you got several months ago. I looked at, and read all those posts. My dear, they weren't attacking you, these folks are genuinely SCARED for you and your children. I am too. I know you think you may be able to handle it, because you've been living in it for so long. You shouldn't HAVE to handle this, because it's not the way loving people treat each other. You are in a dangerous situation, and your children are absolutely powerless. I grew up in an abusive home, where I wasn't wanted, and growing up to adulthood feeling like you have no power whatsoever, and no voice, and no love, set me up for so many failures. First problem, was that I married a man who was like my abusers, because it was all I knew.
Anyway, my main point is this. Your children WILL ask you why you didn't love them enough to help keep them safe, and why didn't you get away and protect them? I Lived this, along with many other people I know. I did leave my abusive husband and got away while the children were still young. Thank God. My mother and stepfather helped get us out.
When people used to give me advice back then, I saw it as an attack too, because I didn't know the difference between actual love and caring, sexual "love" which I felt was sort of like love, a false love and caring verses REAL love and caring words and actions. You mentioned that you married young, and so did I. But, I didn't know enough about myself or the world, to be able to navigate through most of the adult things I should have been prepared for. There was SO much that I just didn't KNOW, and I felt ignorant, and out of place, even with my peers. My peers went on to college, learned things, traveled, expanded their knowledge, and I was at home with an abusive husband and a child. I wanted SOMETHING I did to succeed, and since the only thing I had was my marriage, I DESPERATELY wanted it to work. But, it couldnt, it wouldnt, because my Ex-husband would not and did not SEE the need for change within himself. He was dangerous. And unchecked anger in anyone, is dangerous, regardless whether or not they have ADHD. When a grown man is threatening a smaller and weaker person ESPECIALLY the ones he says he loves, he is dangerous. He has a warped sense of what true LOVE is, and love is not about control. So many men (sometimes women) think that if they can control everything around them, THEN.....their life will be okay. It WONT, and this is not healthy thinking.
He also had tons of road rage, and would also instigate problems with other drivers, even with us in the car. Which meant he had NO REAL love towards me and the kids. It was all about him, and whoever got in his way. Again this this was not love, REGARDLESS of how he would tell me how much he "loved" me. He wanted control, and power, and love, but he wanted love HIS way, which was not healthy. And, he didn't KNOW the difference between healthy relationships, and unhealthy ones.
I said all that, to say this. It's not your job to show this man what a "healthy" relationship is. He's not ready to know that yet, and maybe never will. I pray he does come to a good point to where he searches this out. But, the first thing is the safety for you and your children. Your son has already been damaged, please don't let him be subjected to more. Children absorb all the pain, hurt, and stress from their parents and relationships, whether you see it in them or not. It's there. And, it's teaching them how to become an adult. It's teaching them that they are powerless against mean and hurtful people, and that they have to accept being abused or picked on. Or, they could go the opposite and become abusers themselves. Sadly, it's usually one or the other.
But, you can teach them a better way, for them, and for yourself. I know NO ONE in here, ever wants to see marriages break up, and will say so. But, I strongly urge you to talk to someone, (a professional) about your options. Is it scary, YES, and when I did it, I was terrified. But, I got myself and my kids to a safe place and got a lawyer. The divorce was granted,and both lawyers couldn't believe the actions of my ex. They were just amazed, and felt sad for us, but it was nice to see these capable men defending me and protecting me against a violent, irrational person.
I married again, and this man adopted my children, and we are still together. That was 35 years ago. But, I married a person who was diagnosed with ADHD, about 11 years ago. It's been difficult absolutely, but not abusive. But, this is a whole other story.I
I am praying for you today, and that God's love surround you today, and His angels protect you and your children.
Hugs to you today.
Dede
Hi Dede,
Submitted by cmo22 (not verified) on
Hi Dede,
Thank you for taking the time to respond. My comment about being attacked was toward the first responder here, not the original post. Honestly I don't even think I knew there was responses to the first post as I don't get any notifications here. Anyway, I appreciate you sharing your experience and I understand what I have to do. Honestly the reason why things haven't changed (and probably gotten worse) since my original post in 2017 is because he doesn't stick to a consistent treatment. His original therapist wasn't a good fit, so he quit after a few sessions. He got busy with work and never went back, but I also didn't press the matter further. I'm giving him about a month to find a doctor in our city that accepts our insurance and to make the first appointment, or I told him I wont be able to sit by and wait for the "next time." Because there absolutely will be one. Once we figure out our car situation he wont be able to drive the children for a while and I've said he wont be allowed to drive on the highway (this is where most of the rage happens and we only drive on the highway when we go downtown as a family). Until I feel like he has more control of his anger, it just has to be this way. And I should have done this long before now. So this will be my last attempt at a "normal" life with him, like you said the kids shouldn't have to be subjected to this while picking up bad habits along the way. He was subjected to all kinds of abuse and negative behaviors as a kid that were never dealt with, so I'd like to go ahead and break that cycle. Thank you again.
Cmo22, so glad
Submitted by dedelight4 on
It's great that you've set a time limit. This is something more folks are suggesting and doing here also. Good for you. I'm sorry if I sounded too strong or "preachy". I'm still dealing with much of my own unresolved issues from so many years of neglect, abuse, untreated ADHD, as well as still trying to become a better, more knowledgeable, and healthier person myself. I have a long way to go. Abuse and neglect can certainly take its toll, which I will be writing about in a different post.
In your response, you sound as if you're on a good path, and I do wish you all the best. It's so hard when a spouse may be in denial, or has anger issues of any sort. My ADH D husband responds in anger to most things, and is still in denial of how his ADH D symptoms affect him and our family.
Anyway, I pray the very best for you and your family.
Thank you so much. And not
Submitted by cmo22 (not verified) on
Thank you so much. And not preachy at all. I understand that much advice is not always what we want to hear, but is given with our well being in mind. Best of luck to you xo