I used to be Brindle, and now I am brindle2. Or just "Brin." I had some email trouble and had to start again.
I've been reading old posts from various users for the last few days. It has been most therapeutic. Always is!
As a reminder, my husband has run the gamut on his reactions to ADHD. Said he would get evaluated, considered meds, decided against meds, forgot all about ADHD (as in actually forgot), rediscovered it (this happened several times and the cycle made me chuckle), declared his ADHD helps him, even seemed protective of it. And of course he was never evaluated. The subject hasn't come up in a long time. I don't even care to talk to him about it. Seen how useless it all is, so I just dropped it.
Our marriage is at a place that is pretty empty. I've been working on myself for awhile. I didn't fall into the stereotypical nonADHD spouse but inwardly I did carry a lot of anger, hurt, and frustration, not to mention burnout. So I began working on grieving many things - from individual memories to the big picture of what my marriage is. I worked at letting him go, so to speak. Just accepting who he is, without any expectations of change.
Now, somewhere in there, sprinkled over time were a few angry conversations where I told him that I have not felt loved for almost our entire marriage. Most of them faded from his memory pretty soon. He did finally seem to retain that info for awhile. One thing that has come out of all that is that he has realized he hasn't been a very good husband or father. He has mentioned it to me several times. He says he is trying to do better, and I do believe is trying, for I see little efforts here or there, but overall, nothing is really changing. Which only has solidified in my mind my need to accept that this unsatisfactory marriage is all I can expect from his corner.
I have no intentions of splitting up. I have several reasons to stay. Each are significant and deeply held reasons. So here I am. I have a lot more peace than before. Still very tired, but I'm making it. I am doing more and better for myself in several ways, too, so that helps. I do not feel angry anymore or bitter. I have far less sadness, too. Mostly now he annoys me with this or that, but it passes more quickly than ever before. So, progress!!
How is everyone else?
Sounds like you are coming to terms with it all
Submitted by felicity on
Great post. I think you are a little ahead of me but I'm trying to accept the fact too they he will never change radically. Similarly mine is also trying a little bit harder (sometimes) and I'm attempting to just let things go and do my own things to please me and seeing what reaction that gets. I do feel a bit less angry now, still sad and as you say its a bit of a grieving process for how things could have been at times. Financially I would be a lot worse off if we split up so I'm sticking it out for now at least, it sounds cold hearted but I've paid my dues emotionally in this relationship for 17 years so whilst I can cope I'm going to at least get the material benefits, if nothing else.
Hello Brin'
Submitted by c ur self on
You sound good..:)....Each of us (in similar situations) just has to work through our expectations of what we thought life could/should be like in our marriage relationships...Sounds like you are learning to be at peace with the reality of it all...Same here....Acceptance of our difference's, boundaries, and learning that it's up to me to live my life, and that isn't done through my wife, it's on me...
In marriage relationships we are only as close as BOTH partners are capable and willing to be....They can't do our part, and we can't do theirs....And the dysfunction (emotions and dispositions) only spins out of control when either of us attempt to force our thinking and expectations upon the other...In our marriage relationship we have shown each other where our heart is, what is important to us, and what our priorities in life are.....After 15 years we don't have to discuss it any longer....She see's me....I see her....So what is possible is the product...I am thankful for where the Lord as brought to today, considering all the turmoil we been through to get here...
Take care Brin'
c
Great to hear an update from you, Brindle
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
It fills me with warmth to see you are more at peace at this time and filling your own cup.
Hi there. Not sure if we
Submitted by needingstrength on
Hi there. Not sure if we interacted on here yet, but hello! I can relate to this post quite a bit. Wow, has it been so very hard at times. I’m not going to tiptoe around but I’ve decided I’m going to work on not taking his rage fits personally anymore. Wow, is that hard. I've been working on myself, my physical health, mental health, etc. I'm able to control my own reactions better but high-stress occasions and stuff are still just a rage fit waiting to happen. I always need to "be more flexible" with his last minute (and I mean a 5 minute notice) plans or errands. According to him I just need to relax and go with the flow. I've tried explaining it's hard on the rest of the family when you just randomly come and go but it always comes back to it being my problem with a lack of "flexibility." I guess I just call being informative ahead of time a common curtesy. But I'm always made to feel like I have too high of standards. It's at the point where I don't think he will ever see this as an issue (and this is a small one of many) so I'm trying to disassociate myself from it. It's hard.
"Be more flexible" The irony of that
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I found that same comment in my relationship very frustrating. Living in the adhd chaos, giving up intimacy entirely because he was apathetic, supporting the family solo, approaching oh-so-gently so as not to trigger the RSD... all that and sooo much more wasn't flexible ENOUGH?? In my relationship, "Be more flexible" actually meant, "Do everything my way so I can have an easy time of things and can continue not changing anything on my side of the equation." Now that's inflexible.
The beginning of overfunctioning
Submitted by adhd32 on
This is the basis of overfunctioning for me. H never coordinated anything with me regarding schedules, drop offs and pick ups, etc and God help me if I did ask his schedule. Confirmed there was something not right with him when he did his own thing without considering the household. I have no answer other than to say this is how it begins. Kids need care and attention when they need it, not at the whim of a selfish self absorbed parent who feels entitled to put themself first and offer crumbs when they get around to being interested.