I learned my wife had adhd 2 years ago but was ignorant in how at actually attributed to our relationship and who she was as a whole. She went on medication and I waived it off as something she can change if she worked at it hard enough. I also did not yet contribute the adhd to the the textbook struggles we were having that every adhd couple seems to have I’m learning. I did not educate myself enough on adult adhd and attributed the things I saw wrong as character flaws that could be changed. I experience the hyper focus on us and me in the first parts of our marriage and is part of the reason I so quickly wanted to spend the rest of my life with one of the most caring women I have ever met. That feeling lasted a few years and maybe less if I’m being honest. We have been married ten years and after finding ourselves in a dark place and not helped through couples counseling I began researching more into our the issues we both were contributing to in our marriage. I became so run down lost so much patience and felt so heavy from all the responsibility I put on myself we morphed into the parent child relationship. Adding more responsibility as we got married had a child and she went to school full time our relationship got worse and worse. She was able to handle less and less and I absorbed more and more. The worst however came after she graduated and I expected her to finally focus on me and the family and the shared responsibilities of life. When nothing changed and from my perspective she was still incapable of growth and change I continued and more rapidly continued to grow into someone I don’t want to be angry, pessimistic and verbally abusive towards my wife. She too lost her patience with me seeing me as nagging, needy never satisfied and as much as it took me months to admit it verbally abusive. Something clicked to look more into adhd. After reading adhd marriage books educating my self alone and with her at the realities of an adhd marriage I am beginning to learn to separate the adhd from her and not deny it’s impact on her and us as a family. The problem is after beginning to see an idea of the best case scenario with our relationship I’m not sure it’s something I want to be a part of. On some level I fear I will always be a caretaker no matter how much symptoms are managed. I love her very much i don’t want to hurt her. I love our son very much I don’t want to our son to experience a broken home... this however is not the mutual partnership I believed I was signing up for. This eye openening education on adult adhd has allowed me to be accepting my wife has real struggles and even if she wants to change she may never. I fear I may actually want out more now that I understand it better. Deep down i believe separating may actually be the healthiest thing for the both of us. I understand this sounds selfish but I just feel I have left all of my effort on the table over the past ten years and I have nothing left to give. But I’m not sure how to move forward. Please help
Help
Submitted by onedayatatime2468 on 08/01/2019.
It's not selfish...
Submitted by SOS - Sound of ... on
I echo your sentiments regarding having morphed into someone you don't want to be. I hate myself for who I have allowed myself to become in this marriage. It's a lonely place to be - realizing all the effort we have put forth to try and make sense out of nonsense. We are human and can only give so much of ourselves. Marriage should be a give and take... some days you fill their cup and other days you take from it. Having an ADHD spouse feels as though the cup is bone dry and has been run over by a truck. I'll be honest in that I am also in agreement with your thinking that separation is the only "cure" for me and have been toying with it for sometime. What is stopping us from putting ourselves above our marriages? It's not selfish but it sure does seem that way. For better or worse... this sure teeters on worse. Or is it that we are just so plain exhausted from trying and feel our efforts have yielded nothing remotely close to success? It takes every fiber of my being to even begin a conversation these days because I don't have the energy to deal with the repercussions - how on earth will I manage a separation or divorce since we will unfortunately own all of that as well. A small part of me doesn't want to give up. It's not for fear of being alone because that ship has sailed. I would rebuild my confidence and self-esteem and perhaps happiness would follow. But for some reason, I hold onto that glimmer of hope that I may once again see the person I fell in love with years ago. And my hope is that maybe you feel that way too based on your kind words about your wife...
I just watched the video "Fall in Love Again" and am ordering the book ADHD Effects on Marriage and will be signing us up for the Couples' Seminar for October. This is my last attempt at moving forward together in a healthy way. If this doesn't work, then I can at least say I tried everything possible - and with the proper tools this time. Perhaps we have been trying to change a tire with a hammer...
I'm not sure this was remotely helpful in anyway but I do hope and pray you find the peace, balance and happiness that I, too am searching for.
Sorry SOS
Submitted by adhd32 on
I read your posts and just wanted to say I completely understand your situation. After decades of feeling like a failure the realization hit like a ton of bricks when my son was diagnosed with ADD. H had ADD too! We are now married over 35 years and the advice I have is that you only have 2 choices. Your husband stepping up and changing is not one of them, unfortunately. He has proven to you that he will not change based on his many broken promises and lack of household support. Many ADDers on this site have posted that they are adamant about not changing and that they want to be accepted as they are. They state further that the non spouse expects and complains too much and needs to change their expectations. So that leads me to my unsolicited advice. Your choices. Choice 1 is to accept him as he is. Choice 2 is to leave.
I have a feeling you will once again be doing all the work in the seminar in October. My experience with my H has been agreement to do something, and he does for a while until some crisis comes up, and then he reverts back to his comfort zone of alienating himself leaving the me, the reliable, responsible spouse to carry the heavy end once again. Most of the time I am caught off guard and have to scramble to rectify his lack of responsibility. Many years and many incidences have proven time and again that change is illusive if not impossible for an ADD person. The advise is on the non spouse to speak nicely and act respectfully while the ADD spouse steamrolls you into getting their way either by acting ineptly or totally ignoring their surrounding. I have changed my approach and have done all the suggested things to improve the relationship but if only one person is trying, what is the point?
I've made my choice to never rely on H for anything. I fill my life with interests other than him but is a sad way to live. I always wonder what it would have been like to be married to someone else who is kind, and compassionate. A partner who made me feel cared for rather than leaving me feeling used. After all these years, I feel like I wasted my life on someone who never appreciated me. I have plenty of boundaries to keep me sane. But I feel they constrict my life and often wonder what a marriage where I wouldn't have to protect myself from my H would be like.
1
Submitted by onedayatatime2468 on
1
Broken promises are a huge deal for me, too
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
This is a very common problem in my house. Here is the thing... if I say I will do something, I always do it. Always. And I truly just assumed for a long time that others were pretty similar. But with my ADHD husband, it is all talk and rare action. Now, I get that it's ADHD so when he SAYS he will "clean up this mess" or "mow the lawn" or "spend time with our daughter" he probably means it at the time. But follow through is rare. And it is frustrating that he seems to want great appreciation and fanfare at the time he is PROMISING the thing -- and he can't figure out why the heck I'm so frustrated and stressed out when I'm the one scrambling to do the thing at the last minute because he didn't... again. It's truly a maddening and repetitive dynamic. When I finally figured out that his words mean absolutely nothing, it was very helpful. I just say "Great, thanks!" and do the thing myself anyway. Then when he does actually follow through (5% of the time or so), I'm legit pleased because I expected the usual nothing. In my more frustrated moments though, when he makes these promises, I've shot back with, "Please don't say it unless you're actually going to do it." Of course he is perplexed that I don't believe he will do whatever it is. "I said I'd do it so I will," he'll respond. No... he really won't. He honestly truly can't seem to see the pattern of broken promises despite me breaking this down for him with daily examples over years of time. Perhaps that is due to another ADHD symptom... difficulty learning from past experiences. He can't see why thousands of broken promises in the past are relevant to the promise he made today. I should believe him this time. Sigh.
I really feel where you are coming for with "It's not the car, it's what it represents."
Bit of rant, but I wanted you to know you're not alone and it IS very frustrating.
Honest
Submitted by onedayatatime2468 on
I am wondering anyone is able to follow through here with sticking to a plan of action or an exit plan. I am deep in mourning of what I believe a partnership to be and that I will never have that. That is a tough pill to swallow and I feel every year that goes by I will only lose another year of attaining that reality. I have already felt single for many years. I am ready for a partnership. I struggle how much more time I give this. A year ... two do I tell her symptoms must be managed measurably in x time or I’m out. Have any of you done this. I don’t feel like an ultimatum is an effective tactic but nothing else has worked either.
Putting a deadline on
Submitted by Sollertiae on
Putting a deadline on changing behaviour to someone who essentially has a disability (neuro diversity is great, but while society doesn't allow for it, ADHD is a disability) is not only going to result in failure, but is cruel and will make her ADHD symptoms explode. Her symptoms will always be there as it is not a moral failing but her brain. They will fluctuate even when managed.
If you want to leave because you are unable to reconcile yourself to the relationship, then that is your choice and you need to take responsibility and act on it. I understand the choice is impossible, but you cannot make it dependent on good behaviour, but rather what is better for both you and her. And if you are worried, research shows for children, having parents who are arguing and in a toxic relatio ship is worse for them than living in a household that is split and happy.
Good advice
Submitted by onedayatatime2468 on
Some of the most honest advice I have gotten thank you
I am married to her twin....
Submitted by c ur self on
No one can tell us to stay or go....I've been with my wife 11 years...(One year separated about 41/2 years in)...Due to my anger, and both of our verbal abuse....I could have written your post,,,Did and thought the same things in the early years....(Felt it was intentional, and I became a basket case).....SOS said so much that identifies the dynamic in our marriage and communication attempts...The parroting, the never owning their behaviors....I had to eventually realize, I can never think for her...She has the mind of a child in so many ways....No ownership, just a self absorbed mind, that life overwhelms and is always searching for frivolity and self entertainment...TV etc....No responsibility to do the work of a marriage relationship, and really no patients to hear you point it out....So it's walk away or get angry...LOL....
I just pray for her, and ask the Father to help me focus on my responsibilities, and not make it worse by mothering or enabling, or getting emotional about what she doesn't show any effort toward.....That's never helped either of us....Boundaries friend....
c
Sad
Submitted by onedayatatime2468 on
It makes me sad I came here for hope and the reality is accept disappointment or leave. It’s resonating as true though.
There can be hope
Submitted by adhd32 on
There can be hope if ADHD person is actively working on themself. That is, therapy, medication, behavior modification etc. Many ADDers aren't really invested in changing. They want things to be better but they do not want to do the work needed to make changes that would improve relationships, or employment situations. They like happy, fun things that have no stress. If you hear them refer to the ADD as an excuse/reason for their lack of engagement you can assume they aren't interested in changing.
What about you?
Submitted by SOS - Sound of ... on
Are you able to separate yourself from the situation for even a small amount of time and do something for yourself today? A walk, a hike, a drive, etc? Maybe try to give your mind a rest from the thinking and the posts? There’s a lot of negativity out here and while it’s completely understandable, it doesn’t emit much hope for those of us already exhausted by years of unhappiness.
I think there can be hope. My letter made me realize I am equally to blame for our misery. I’ve done all the “wrong” things and if I want to effect change, I need to contribute properly. Whatever that may be...
Please try something to recharge for your own sanity.
You are right
Submitted by onedayatatime2468 on
There are many truths in you statements here that resonate with me. At the beginning of this year feb 1st I recognized the deep depression I was in about the state of our marriage. This is prior to understanding truly what we were up against. Prior to seeing and understanding how adhd had affected our marriage. I decided to make a change to not accept depression and sadness. I started taking care of myself. I got a hobby went back to working out full time changed my diet stopped drinking anything talked to drs. I was honest about my unhappiness. I understand my actions are equally to blame. I came here looking for hope I read the books looking for hope and it quickly evolved to me looking for reassurance to expedite my exiting of the relationship. It feels wrong but on many levels but I have lost sight of what is right. The learning about adhd and its affect on marriage has opened my eyes but also flipped my world upside down. I’ll take your advice and give the posting a rest and try to implement what I can do better. How to avoid all the reactions I know I handle incorrectly. I’ll focus on that and give it some more time and reflection. Thank you for your honesty
Just to clarify...
Submitted by SOS - Sound of ... on
Just to clarify... i wasn’t referring to your negativity - I meant on the site in general. I too came here for hope or guidance or a flipping miracle perhaps and while it’s good to get feedback on our thoughts, and while we all have similarities, we aren’t the same. One size does not fit all and just because others have been in a similar situation, they aren’t us and we aren’t them. I can’t give up until I know I put forth my best effort possible. I can say with certainly I haven’t done that yet.
I’m holding out hope... And for you as well.
Good luck today.
Many, if not most, people on
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Many, if not most, people on this site have tried everything. I did. I think my ex-husband took advantage of my willingness to try everything and to easily fall into the "I haven't done my best" and "I have to try harder" mindsets. Anything so he wouldn't have to try to change.
Reaching out...
Submitted by SOS - Sound of ... on
onedayatatime73- I was just checking in to see how you were holding up.
Well....
Submitted by onedayatatime2468 on
Thanks for checking in that’s very kind of you. Well I suppose I have some hope but it’s here and there... she is making an effort but I know every little effort she does she isn’t happy about mostly by her body language and her telling me. I have tried to increase my patience if that is at all possible... Most of the her effort is followed up by I’m doing this so I don’t get yelled at.... which kind of invalidates the effort. The parent child power dynamic is something we are trying to escape and saying that after the effort shows she doesn’t want to be a partner for mutual efforts sake but to not get yelled at.... Its hard for me to wrap my head around that... but I suppose that’s what got us here in the first place. I don’t know where I am at mentally... we have both have deep wounds that honestly I’m not sure will heal. I found a new counselor with adhd focus to see alone since we were basically dumped by our couples counselor saying we need individual first. I still don’t know that we are right for each other in hindsight or if everything is too little too late. How about you any strides forward?
Good for you for finding
Submitted by SOS - Sound of ... on
Good for you for finding someone appropriate to speak with. I hope it’s a success. 2 steps forward, 10 back lately here. Just feel like I’m living in the red. And still alone. I’ve stepped back and spent less and less time at home. I simply cannot live with the stress any longer. Trying to figure out next steps however just the thought of that is daunting...
If you ever feel the need to
Submitted by onedayatatime2468 on
I appreciate that, thanks.
Submitted by SOS - Sound of ... on
I appreciate that, thanks. Just not sure how to do it.
Change of address
Submitted by SOS - Sound of ... on
Pls check your junk mail...