My story is so long but ill try shorten as much as possible.
Im 30 married to my husband for 10 yrs we have two beautiful daughters and built a life together. My husband was diagnosed with adhd when he was 8.
In the early years of our marriage my husbund was abusive, i left come back and so on.
The physical abuse stopped but the last 2yrs our marriage is struggling. He spends lots of time with his mates and i totally agree that even when in a partnership you need your own time the thing i dont like is that they invest there time in the strip bars alot as in three times somtimes more a week. Ive always had no problem with him going to these things but i do now that it has become like a habit, to make things worse ive caught him out lying about actions that have happened and him adding all the strippers on snapchat and talks to them regualy. I tell him im hurt by this but he doesn't have any empathy at all towards it he just says im not doing anything wrong, i would never cheat on you and it makes me feel as if i shouldn't bring it up. i use to have lots of trust before the lies.
I have no doubt that im depressed have anxiety and now insecure. Ive been going to counciling and it does help makes me realise alot of things, i poor my heart out to him about our life and what my expectation are for the future and our family he will agree and tells me he loves me but it seems he does somthing sweet and makes progress but then does somthing really nasty and childish and its almost feels international.
He is really hurtfull with things he can say and then takes no responsibility telling me im being silly and i need to get over it... im not a yelling person hate it makes me feel uneasy but hw yells at me when im sad strait away on defense if i say somthing upset me. feels to me he puts everyone before us especially himself. I have hate and frustration towards him now because im trying as hard as i can but he sees there is no problem with our relationship and it there is its all me he will say that im just depressed and going though a hard time. He booked himself an appointment to see a councillor but never went and hasn't rebooked, ive asked once and he said he needs to rebook but still hasn't and i haven't pushed the issue as i want us to work and not nag and agrivate him. He says he will do what ever it takes to make our marriage work but when i tell him things i think Will help and try set healthy boundarys he just continues to do the behaviour that makes me sad.
I feel crazy some days and question myself, i love him and just wish he would see how he hurts me and it's effecting our family i feel alone. I ask him what i can do to help him but he just brushes it off.
I feel im at my wits end and feel now as if i need to get myself better for me and my girls but torn because i love him how can ypu love when you aren't treated with respect... i have seen slight improvements and i know tjings cant change overnight but im confused as to what i want. I dont want to leave but it feels as if i almost have to for my sanity now and for our kids.
Please advise needed please no nasty judgement
Just to add he is not
Submitted by Ang_28 on
Just to add he is not medicated and has no intrest in it as he was scared and overwhelmed as a young child by all docs and treatments he has tryed.
Dear Ang _ You are
Submitted by SweetandSour on
Dear Ang _ You are certainly in a difficult situation. I'm glad you are in counseling. I'm glad you aren't being physically abused anymore, but it sounds like you may be being emotionally abused. Even if your husband isn't technically doing anything "wrong" with the whole stripper thing he is being selfish. It sounds like he's reacting to the idea that someone might try to control him - even though you made it clear that you weren't when you said it was ok for him to go to strip clubs initially. I don't think it's OK for him to be in personal contact with the strippers on his phone or to be going to the place 3(+) times per week. I think he's pushing the limits. You try to be non-controlling and understanding of his need to fit in with his friends or let off steam with the guys or just to make his own decisions and then he takes it too far. I think you should consider that, although he's not "doing anything", he's also not very concerned with your feelings. If he's like that in most areas of your shared life, then the relationship is harming you and even though you love him you should consider getting out. I wonder what your daughters will learn about their self-worth if they grow up seeing you not being valued or not valuing yourself.
Thank you for the reply! I
Submitted by Ang_28 on
Thank you for the reply! I try talk to him and your rite he feels im trying to control or change him. He takes no responsibility for my saddness he blames it on my past but ive worked though most things with my councillor and i know myself it isnt my past.
I simply asked why he adds women and men he doesn't know on snapchat last night and he responds with anger "who are you to tell me who i can have on my snapchat" but i didn't tell him who to have i just simply asked a question as i myself dont add random people i just have friends and family... it ended in him telling me to go wrap myself around a tree. When i tell him im hurt by the way he speeks he says his lost and broken and he gives up on me
Even though his not doing
Submitted by Ang_28 on
Even though his not doing anything "wrong" as he says its hurting me. I've told him the things his been saying and doing is hurting me why cant he not go to these places for a while,while we work on our marriage but again he says i dont go as much as i use to get over it.
So now ive said if he continues doing these hurtfull things im leaving. He just says what ever your looking for easy way out you hate me. I don't hate him but i do have fustration because ive told him the things that hurt me and it continues. I am parranoid about his phone as he refuses to delete the strippers even tho i feel it would help if he did. Im having some time out and im going to stay out of home and get things on a roll for my own home. I think its best for me and kids
In my opinion, your husband
Submitted by Hopeful Heart on
In my opinion, your husband should not be involved in activities that he wouldn't want you and your daughters to be involved in.
Would he be ok with you working in a strip club and taking off your clothes while strange men watch? Would he be ok with your daughters working in this kind of environment? If not, then why in the world is it ok for him to go to these kinds of places?
Would it be ok for strange men to have access to seductive or nude pictures of you? Would he want strange men to have access to seductive or nude pictures of his daughters? If not, he shouldn't be accessing and viewing seductive or nude pictures of other people's wives and daughters.
My husband shouldn't be on the giving end of any activities that he doesn't want me to be on the receiving end of. KWIM
I agree with Hopeful Heart's
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I agree with Hopeful Heart's post. Personally, I would have no problem with my fiancee going to a strip club if it were for a bachelor party. Wanting to look at other women naked whether it be at strip clubs or in porn movies on a regular basis would not be OK in my relationship.
Setting boundaries has been difficult for me, but I believe that boundaries are healthy in relationships, be it romantic or otherwise. I was married for 17 years to a man who was emotionally and verbally abusive. He never laid a hand on me in anger, but I spent many years depressed and feeling damaged. I could never go back to him because I couldn't trust that he would never treat me like garbage again. I couldn't get past his raging and angry outbursts toward me, and his words cut me so deeply that I felt unlovable and totally worthless.
If your husband is doing something that is hurtful to you, he should listen to you and respect you enough to stop. When I read : "So now ive said if he continues doing these hurtful things im leaving. He just says what ever your looking for easy way out you hate me". That struck me. He is trying to make you feel bad/guilty for setting boundaries. He is manipulating you to get what he wants.
Married men should not be
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Married men should not be going to strip bars and should not be snap chatting or doing any social media with strippers or other women like that. It's inappropriate.
believe me, if you suddenly had a posse of men that you were chatting with, spending time with, etc, he'd have a fit.