Hi
I'm new to this forum and have just finished reading Melissa's book on the Effects of ADHD in Marriage. It was a real eye opener to see both why my husband may have behaved the way he did in our marriage and why I was behaving the way I did in our marriage.
Here are the basics. Been married to my husband for 6 years. We had the typical whirl wind relationship, moved in and married within the first year. I loved him so much and he loved me. Pretty much straight after we were married he moved on to a new focus and I started feeling the typical hurt from this and reacted just as Melissa described in her book. We had the ADHD textbook marriage. It was a train wreck. Fast forward to March this year and I ended us for the second time. Feeling empty, numb, alone, lonely, unloved, unappreciated, exhausted I just could not take the abuse any more. I honestly felt the way I was being treated was deliberate.
After he and his daughter finally moved out (the hardest 3 months I can tell you as he really was not behaving in a very nice way towards me), I could finally breathe for the first time in years. I enjoyed unwinding and starting to feel again. I hung out with friends and enjoyed having people who cared about me around me. I made sure though that I didn't go down my normal path of looking for physical company, which was tough at times, as I so missed that intimacy. But I felt alive again and could feel.
Then my husband told me was looking to move as far away from me as he could as he could barely function. Something inside me hurt and I realised then that I still loved him. That I didn't want him to move away. I told him this. At this point I really started to see my own involvement in our breakdown. Piece by piece. Up until now, I had pretty much blamed him for us not working as he was the one who wouldn't take responsibility, or work on communication, or continued to ignore me. I was the one who tried. Well the reality was it was both of us that caused the issues, and I really didn't try. Or what I was trying was all wrong for what was really the issue.
The more I told him that it was my fault too, that I could see my mistakes and that I was sorry. I was sorry for the way I treated him and sorry for all that I had done, the more he pulled away. The more he pulled away the more I pursued. About 2 months ago I connected the dots to what seems to me is ADHD and started to research and read. I told him that I thought I had found what the core issue was and sent him the links to some articles. I explained that I didn't blame him for any of this, that it was that neither of understood what was going on and that I wanted to accept him for him and was he interested in getting professional help with me.
Again the more I got excited that I had found the answer to how we could finally work through both of our issues, the less he wanted to talk with me. He has barely communicated with me at all in the last 2 months. We had a very brief (I mean like a day) where he seemed to want to try and we organised a date, before he closed down again. We did go on that date (only a couple of weeks ago) and he focussed on everything but me. When I asked if there was a reason he told me that he was waiting for me to make the first move. When I did, he had sex, but I could sense that he was still very disconnected from us. He left to spend time with his parents over xmas, which is where he is now, and after letting me know he arrived, he barely communicated. When I asked if there was an issue, he got defensive with me again. We spoke on the phone and he told me he wanted to run away and start a new life on his own. That he is scared that he wont be able to connect with me again, that we are in very different places right now, and that he doesn't want to waste my time.
I continued reading Melissa's book and could see how the way I communicate with him is a massive issue for us. I focus on what I am not getting from him , rather than focussing on what he is giving me. So when he sent me a very cold 3 line txt message for xmas "merry xmas to you and your family and to the animals. I hope that work treats you well for xmas", I was grateful for the insight that Melissa gave me. I said thank you for his text and the effort it took to write it. I then sent him a voice message so he could understand that I wasn't being sarcastic, that I truly meant I appreciated what he did and apologised for all the hurt and pain I had caused him by me only focussing on what he wasn't giving me.
I am at a loss to what to do next. Do I just not communicate? Do I try and communicate? He suffers from anxiety and depression and is medicated for that, and I know his anxiety is off the scale at the moment while he is in flight mode. I don't want to lose my husband now that I can see the issue, but I just don't know if it is too late, or if he is just scared of facing the possibility of having ADHD (because I am just guessing atm) or is still seeing that I am blaming him for our problems (even though I have said numerous times now that I don't) or it is giving him permission to blame himself for another reason for being inadequate (he definitely has low self esteem).
Please, any help or advise would be much appreciated. I am feeling so unsure what to do.
Lee-anne
As deeply hurt as you are feeling...
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
...You need to take a deep breath and back off. Pursuing him will only drive him further away, and if he feels pressure in any way to communicate, you will get the opposite from him, as you have experienced. As frustrating as this is, you cannot force him to be with you. If he was not aware of his ADHD before you met, and has not been formally diagnosed, he may be overwhelmed at this prospect. He will have to choose whether to pursue a diagnosis or not. He may be in denial, he may not, but how he moves forward from this point is not within your realm of control. Its on him. **Another thing I just thought of, is he may see your bringing up the possibility of having ADHD as you saying something is wrong with him.**
Don't beat yourself up too badly. When we know better, we DO better. You didn't consider the possibility he had ADHD until after the hyper focus phase wore off. Why would you? You didn't know. You went from being the center of his very intense attention to "POOF!" You reacted as many partners would. You were hurt and confused at his change in behavior.
--In my relationship, my fiance told me he had ADHD shortly after we started dating. All I knew about ADHD was that my niece has it, and that she was a brat when she was younger...LOL. I immediately checked out two books from the library--Driven to distraction by Edward Hallowell and The ADHD Effect on Marriage by Melissa Orlov. I didn't read them cover to cover, but enough to get an idea of what I was dealing with.
This will be difficult, but you need to be patient with him and yourself. See where it goes. ( Also--Looking for "physical company" with another while you are separated is not a good idea, it will only complicate the situation. )
Thank you for your reply. Yes
Submitted by Lee-anne on
Thank you for your reply. Yes agree with what you say. Ref last comment, that was how I use to deal with breakups. It has not been how I have been dealing with this one. I made a point not to. Will see how I go.
Based on your post....this is my thoughts....
Submitted by c ur self on
We are all human...So I will attempt to tell you what I think (based on 12 years w/ a high level add spouse) about your post.....These are not judgments of either of you, but, just thoughts I think you should consider....His behavior is quiet typical for add/adhd minds...I feel very strongly that you (just like myself) should definitely consider (learn to be totally self aware) your thinking, feelings, and behaviors over the past 6 years...The only things that you have any power to do anything about....
Secondly, I feel just as strongly (based on everything you say here) that you are in a situation that is very unhealthy with him.....My personal thought based on your information is...He isn't going anywhere, and he is gas lighting you....He must get you to be the aggressor in the relationship so you will always be the one to blame...Any time a husband (or wife) refuses to communicate and OWN their behaviors...Show remorse, and put forth an honest desire to change those poor behaviors, it is just futile to expect any....
I in no way are saying that you haven't made plenty of mistakes...Most of us have....But the majority of my anger early on, was because of her selfishness, her lack of loving effort...All of her energy was being placed on her good times, and selfish desires....From what I have read on this website the past 5+ years, many of us are in the same boat....We are dealing with minds that most always refuse to discipline them selves, when it come to their marital responsibilities....Those same minds, might show some discipline when it comes to selfish reason's (entertainment, children, and maybe even their jobs...But not spouses!
You've said your peace, (probably more than you should have) do not allow loneliness to put you into an unhealthy place that you will end up sorely regretting!!....If it's going to work out, he has to step up, own his reality, and communicate...Be vulnerable, and do the work of a husband...PERIOD!
Never allow yourself to be emotional (anger, sex, intimacy) while deciding what to do with the rest of our life...I know you have already made that mistake, but I suggest you don't go there again....Sex, even good sex, want stop intrusiveness, it want stop abuse, and it will never do all the real work that spouse should gladly and lovingly own....
The book is poison if you don't use it for it's meant for.....It can help you understand some things....But if can't give you any power or ability to change him..None!...Give him a copy, w/ a note that say's*** This can change your life for the better, but, only if you desire it*** Most don't desire it, most are in denial, they want to think they have no problem...Life is easier that way...It allows them to live out their days, Blaming!....
What are you going to do when he comes back, hasn't changed, still want communicate, still want OWN his behaviors??....Are you going get angry and fight, or just mother him and carry a double load of responsibilities in life?? I definitely am not advocating divorce....I hate them!...But, I also hate to see someone get used, by someone who doesn't even know what real love is...So, I suggest u stop your efforts toward him, (except for kindness if he decides to communicate) you need to allow him to decide what is right for him.....Many people just aren't capable or willing to be a husband or wife....They know deep down they will never forfeit their self absorbed mind (selfishness) in order to take on the responsibilities of marriage....Marriage takes OWNERSHIP, accountability, and being responsible.....Marriage should be two people filled w/ Joy and Love about sharing in all aspects life....Many of those aspects are work related....?????
Bless you, it's no easy place you are in, but, the ball is in his court, he must decide if he is willing to do the work....If you decide it for him...He will be smiling, because he want have to own anything...(And it will just more of the same)...
Thanks for the reply. If he
Submitted by Lee-anne on
Thanks for the reply. If he comes back then no I won't be going back to our old cycles. Because I can see what is causing them. I've asked if he will get professional help with me. I'm not qualified to deal with this on my own.
I agree he has to want this and want face this. I am not qualified to diagnose him either it's just that this fits what went went wrong, my reactions and feelings and his reactions and behaviours he will need to want to find out from a professional if this is the right diagnosis
I like the idea of the note on the book. Thank you.
From my perspective, as the ADHD spouse
Submitted by DepressedADHDSpouse on
Hi Lee-anne,
first, I just wanted to say I'm sorry that you're going through this. Ending a relationship is painful, but when you have this uncertainty and back and forth, it can really tax your system.
As I mentioned, I am the one with adhd in my partnership. I was diagnosed many years ago and have been medicated ever since (20-ish years now). So my diagnosis was not a secret or unknown. However, what we didn't know, was how much it would/could affect our relationship. It's shameful for me to admit this, but I am unreliable, can't manage time, always late, forget things, can't stay organized, etc. This is very stressful for him because he has to pick up the slack. I imagine you have had to as well. I also have communication issues and he often feels ignored. Over time, we developed a "parent-child" relationship and this is something I hate. You described how you felt after he left:
"I could finally breathe for the first time in years. I enjoyed unwinding and starting to feel again. I hung out with friends and enjoyed having people who cared about me around me."
Please don't ignore that. This should be a huge red flag for getting back together. Why did you feel that way? Was it because you didn't have to be on top of him? Chase him for affection? Constantly question his intentions, or even love for you?
I realize you've had an epiphany and I commend you for that, and for stepping up. But I identifying the problem and fixing the problem, are opposite ends of a very long and difficult journey.
Even if he came around and was diagnosed with ADHD, you're looking at a lot of work, a lot of pain, disappointment, (we can't change overnight, and we have set backs) and maybe it will improve your relationship- but it will not likely ever make him and your relationship into your ideal version. We think differently, our brains are just not wired like non adhd brains, and that's ok, but damn is it frustrating. "Why can't you just _____" is something I hear often. Be on time, learn from mistakes, get it right, etc.
And I WANT to get better. We have an official diagnosis. I'm medicated. My point is not to be harsh, but I only want to point out that, while you may feel you have the answer, and now everything can fall into place, the truth is, this is barely a scratch on the surface. And both of you MUST be willing to work on it. If he's not, I promise nothing will change, no matter hard you work at it.
And maybe he's exhausted in the relationship as well. If you have a parent-child dynamic, if you nag or blame him a lot, he may be feeling relief being away from that as well, as you felt better away.
When you said: "We spoke on the phone and he told me he wanted to run away and start a new life on his own. That he is scared that he wont be able to connect with me again, that we are in very different places right now, and that he doesn't want to waste my time."
If he's feeling free from being checked up on, being held accountable, etc., then why would he want to sign up for that again- but only 100x more, because now you've identified the problem (him- which is how he will see it, regardless of the responsibility you take). It's likely very overwhelming.
It does sound like you're in very different places. You're motivated and he's distancing himself from you and the process.
I know you love him, but I think right now you're not seeing things as they are, but what you hope they can become. And I don't blame you- it's like you've performed an autopsy on the relationship and discovered the cause of "death".
But please consider this:
You felt better after you separated. He doesn't think he can connect with you again.
If you pursue him, you are asking him to change. And only he can do that. You can't make him. And if he's pushing you away right now- I am not very optimistic that he is willing to take responsibility.
im very sorry to be negative. But I think you should focus on bettering yourself- for YOU- not for him, not for your relationship with him, just for you. Pamper yourself. Spend more time with friends. Hang around positive people. You've told him where you stand. Now it's up to him if he wants to reciprocate. And if he takes too long, maybe you'll have moved on by then. But don't hold yourself back waiting for him ... you're worth more.
If you have to beg and drag him back in... he will resent you and it will likely fail.
I hope you don't take this as criticism of you, I don't mean it that way. I really do hope for the best for you!
Ella
Hi Ella
Submitted by Lee-anne on
Hi Ella
Thank you for your open and honest response an insight. Much appreciated.
Pretty much all that you have said has also been in my thoughts too.
You mentioned that the relief I felt after we separated should be a red flag. That relief was because I was depressed from the constant strain of the relationship. Yes we definitely had a child/parent relationship. We identified this years before hand and tried to stop, which is difficult when ADHD may have been at play without knowning. The biggest reason though I was relieved though, was because I was still blaming him for everything. This is something I had done through out the relationship. Yes I could see my behaviour was an issue and also tried to address that, but I blamed him for how I felt. He had called me out on this numerous times, but all I could see was the ignoring, the defensiveness, the unreliability, the way he didn't appreciate me. I didn't call myself out on my own behviour. This is what I have been doing for the last few months. And then I found ADHD could be the at the core and thats when I really had that light bulb moment that his behviour wasn't how he felt about me, it was just how his brain worked.
Don't get me wrong, I am not thinking this is going to be an at all easy road. We live apart as he has a 15yr old (who I'm pretty sure is ADHD too), and have said that we will continue to live apart until she finishes high school (3yrs time). That way he can be the parent exactly the way he wants to. (she only came to live with us a 2 years ago). This will give us the space to retreat when we need to, and the safety to be on our own to process what it is we really want, without the other person constantly watching over us.
I do totally agree with your reasoning for why he has retreated. It has been a really tough relationship, and he has at no point accepted any responsibility for his share. That has been quite obvious to me. I am not though thinking that when I say, oh guess what, I think you have ADHD (which he already has suspected for most of his life just not done anything about it) that he will suddenly have the same reaction as myself. Like you said, this is a long difficult and at times painful road that we may travel. I am not at all hopeful that he will want to do the work required. I agree that he sees me saying that oh I think ADHD is at play here that he hears that I am blaming him for all of our issues, even though I have said nurmerous times that I do not and can not blame something that is just your make up. Would be like blaming a Diabetic for needing insulin. It is just him. But I do not expecting an easy road. Just one that will have the person I do love beside me through the journey. Who knows what our relationship will look like. We both will need to change our ideals for that. But would have to do that anyway, as everyone is different.
Am I romantasing the possible destination? I don't think so. There were reasons why we fell in love. But yes we BOTH have to want it and right now that is not the case. Unless he wants to own his share then it is a pointless journey. But the man I love is still there, and ADHD is part of the reason why we fell in love. But I am not at all underestimating the road ahead. Sure I could go and meet someone else and fall in love and start again. But to be honest, that doesn't mean the road will be any less difficult. At my age, everyone comes with baggage and issues...lol including myself. This man is someone I do love. I have realised that in the last few months. We both were the reasons why it didnt work. But at least I a good idea of the issues ahead. But again, as you said, it is only if we are BOTH willing to face all of it, which may take him some time to decide to do, and it may not be in our lifetime.
Don't get me wrong that I have put my life on hold while I am trying to work things out. A trip to Bali for a yoga retreat (something I have taken up since the split) deciding that I was worth Business class tickets, I hang out with friends, I follow my own passions, and encourage him to do the same. I am not sitting around hoping that things will change. I am working on myself, and considering what changes I need to make for me, but also if things work out for us. Like putting in boundaries for myself and are centered around me not him. Coming up with ideas for things that I might be interested in doing alone, and also have a different list that we could do together.
The part I find the most difficult to understand is the no contact. But I have had to just accept it. There has been no communication either way since Xmas day. Which at the end of the day is only a few days. Even before that it was still very minimal. I guess I was torn between ignoring him, giving him space, just telling him that I am done if this is the way he wants to deal with issues, telling him to just end if if that is what he really wants to do. I figured if he is just using this time to pull right away from me, then there isn't much I can do. That is going to be the destination no matter what I do, but if he is using this time to think, then pushing will only making it worse. (this forum was good for me to just let it be). I guess I just hate the idea of him not knowing that I too am willing to work at this, as for years, he has been the one working at us, and I have just exsisted. Unfortunately, the things he was working on, although related to ADHD, were not him accepting the possibility.
I am still pretty sure he will take the easy option of just walking away, which will be sad, but it is not the end of the world. Everything happens for a reason, and I have learnt a lot about myself in the process. It never would have worked if he only wanted to do the minimal amount of work. But you never know. He might realise that life can change with a change of attitude. Or life could change by accepting that ADHD is not the enermy. Tomorrow is a new day. Better go. Yoga is calling.
Lee-anne
The greatest among us.....
Submitted by c ur self on
(It's shameful for me to admit this, but I am unreliable, can't manage time, always late, forget things, can't stay organized, etc. This is very stressful for him because he has to pick up the slack. I imagine you have had to as well. I also have communication issues and he often feels ignored. Over time, we developed a "parent-child" relationship and this is something I hate).
Who are the greatest among us?....My thoughts as I re-read these posts this morning went to character, and the power (of heart and spirit) of an individual to be completely honest, no matter what that honesty does to their pride and self esteem....Humility is a must to come to a place of truth about ourselves...(add or not)...I will live my whole life in a state of illusion, unless I can find it in my heart to face the reality of my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors without excuse....
Character isn't based on how organized a person's house and car are, it isn't based on time management, or even an ability to capture thoughts, and communicate those thoughts calmly and comfortably in conversation....Character is built by men and women who can accept their own realities, never excuse or deny the reality of their own humanness.....All of us have our own work to do, our own struggles...My wish for myself and for others, is that we do it with ownership....That we do it with Character.....Like you are doing Ella....
There was a comment by an add minded individual who responded to one of these post....They said: "I'm fine alone, and at work"...Hmmm??....Some times we hate this kind of truthful statement, (we read right over it, we don't consider the truth in it, and what that truth may be telling us??) because it's not the way we have patterned our lives, so to consider it, is painful, even if it's the answer for stopping the mutual pain, conflict, anger, and dysfunction in our relationship attempt, or attempts.....People need people...But so many of us aren't able to connect like we wish, because of our huge difference is life management skills, that are detrimental in large part to what we are attempting to undertake, to accomplish, in a life time of intimate sharing....
I hope I can spend the remainder of any allotted days I'm allowed, in a state of awareness of my own reality....The same reality that my Heavenly Father see's (He knows my great need for his mercy, and the forgiveness that is available in Christ)....I hope truth and humility can be mine on the same level you seem to have given yourself to it Ella......
c