Me (22) and my husband (25) have been married since two years, I started living with him last year and then I had to come back to my own country to finish off my education. I went this year again during my summer vacations and now I am back here while my husband is living away from me. We discovered about him suffering from ADHD this january or so but I did not know then that it would have huge impact on our married life. He seems to feel everything in an exaggerated way, I feel like i have to walk on eggshells when I am saying anything infront of him or even about him.He is extremely sensitive about what I say to him infornt of others. Example, He thought I am not giving him enough respect because I said "Hey what you doing" when he poured juice on his rice. We have had some trust issues before, he did not want me to go out with my university friends or attend any events or functions. I went out but did not tell him about it, I lied that I do not go out when I did. I also took birth control pills without letting him know because he was not understanding my opnion, I did not want to have kids while my education was still going. Anyways few months ago he found out about the pills, at first he was very calm about it but then he got extremely annoyed, he said every worst thing possible like I might be sleeping with somebody else and what not. This has not yet calmed down when he discovered about my social media account, which he had asked me to delete, through it he found out the events that I had attended without him knowing . He lost it all there, he took control of my everything and social accounts and went literally everywhere so he could get information about me. He talked to my ex-boyfriend pretending as me in order to get information out of him. After that his anger was out of control, he was extremely abusive, he labelled me as a flirt who used him, a whore, who only uses guys and flirts with him. I apologised again and again but he did not listen. He says I dont have any trust in your words. His anger was so much that he thought I even participated in sexual activities with others. Our families got involved, they tried to make him understand, he agreed and promised he will not investigate any further but the very next day it all started again. I am so tired of all of this. Even before we have had fights which got physical. Every now and then we would have arguments over stupid things. I got physical first because his demands were just too much. Now I think its his adhd thats exaggerating his responses. We have not talked since a week. His family is extremely supportive. He has been taking medication but he does overdose sometimes or just skip it all together. I don't know what to do, i dont want to go back but I cant get divorced either. What guarantee do I have that he will be fine once I start living with him and we have kids? How do I know he will be willing to work on his adhd? His mother says once you come back and develop the trust and have kids, he will be fine. But I don't know, I am extremely confused
Help needed - Non- ADHD Spouse
Submitted by kabee on 11/18/2019.
It will not be better!! Hard
Submitted by SweetandSour on
It will not be better!! Hard as it may be to get out of this relationship now, it will be 100's of times harder to stay in. You should not bring children into this situation. Please, trust your instincts.
Agree:(
Submitted by inSearchForHope on
I imagined myself in your place. RUN was the only word in my head. Can't imagine ignoring those RED FLAGS you wrote about.
One more thing : having kids will make you more vulnerable AND put more strain in places that are already not strong :(
Lot's immaturity and sin coming from both sides....
Submitted by c ur self on
Get counseling before you hate each other....Your husband is a basket case for the most part because no one (add/adhd or not) can trust a liar....You can't lie to your spouse and live like you are single, and be married....No man would trust you....
He is also way out of control....Attempting to control and force you into a role, you obviously don't want....(You both have to love your roles as 2 being 1, or there will never be a healthy attachment) With no regard, or thoughtfulness of how wrong his anger and attitudes are....If you two are going to justify the life styles your living, don't expect to have a loving and respectful marriage relationship....And please don't even think about bringing any innocent babies into this sinful and dysfunctional mess...
C ur self,
Submitted by Exhaustedlady87 (not verified) on
C ur self,
Normally, your advice and comments on here are very supportive and compassionate - this one didn't come across that way. I know you have a lot of experience with ADHD. I do not know how much knowledge you have around abusive relationships.
When I read your comment it made me go cold. I believe you mean well, perhaps tough love? But if Kabee is, in fact, in an abusive relationship (and it sounds a whole lot like she may well be - ADHD can easily be co-morbid with another disorder such as a personality disorder), we need to be careful in our responses.
"Your husband is a basket case for the most part because no one (add/adhd or not) can trust a liar..."
What you essentially are saying here is that his "basket case" behaviour - which is, by her description, abusive behaviour - is because Kabee lied to him." You are laying blame for his abusive behaviour at her door. I don't think this is right. We need to be really careful, when talking about abusive relationships, not to blame abusive victims for their own abuse. Sure, lying isn't good and it's going to erode trust. Did she deserve to be abused for it? No. Is his abuse of her, her fault? No. Lack of trust is *never* a reason or excuse for anyone to verbally abuse someone. Should we make her feel shame because she lied to avoid abusive behaviour? I don't think so. Isolating her from her friends and refusing to let her attend university events is a classic controlling, abusive red flag behaviour. Here is a resource for abusive red flags according to the National Network to End Domestic Violence : https://nnedv.org/content/red-flags-of-abuse/
If I had been Kabee, and I had read this comment of yours, I would have cried, likely closed the forum web page, and never visited it again. So many people come here because they feel they have nowhere else to go. She is asking for our compassion and our advice, not our judgment of her sins. We speak often on this forum about not heaping on blame or shame to our ADHD spouses, and I think we would do well to be careful not to blame or shame abuse victims either.
Lady87
Submitted by c ur self on
Her comment....(I got physical first).... My comment.....(He is way out of control)...Most people refuse to speak truth to abusive people....Both of these young adults (based on her post) are abusive towards one another...They like many who live w/ no real respect, or self control, they need help...They have a lot of work to do (on themselves) and in my opinion shouldn't be in the same house together until they can prove to each other, they can love and respect each other...You are right, it's an abusive relationship.....
So many on this website predetermine (because of their own pain possibly) that if an add/adhd mind is involved, they are automatically at fault....And usually that seems to be correct in many of the cases we hear here...But lets not get so tunneled vision that we suffer from our own blindness....
Thank you for your caring comment....But, in the future, if you want to discuss one of my posts, lets discuss all of it.....
Blessings
c
I'm stunned
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I agree wholeheartedly with SweetandSour! Having a child with a controlling and abusive man will not make things better, it will only make your situation more complicated, and make it harder to leave him. Him not liking you going out with friends, and being upset that you are on the pill are HUGE red flags. Isolating you from others is the mark of an abusive person. I should know, my husband isolated me from my family...two children and 13 years later, I left him. Spent years walking on eggshells, not knowing what would set him off... its no way to live.
I'm really disturbed by his reaction to your taking birth control pills. No woman should have a child unless she wants to, its YOUR body.
I'd also like to add this after reading c ur self's reply....
You lied to him because you are afraid of him. I used to lie to my ex-husband too, because I feared his rage. Doesn't justify my lying, nor does your fear of your husband justify yours....its a coping mechanism. A marriage where one person feels like they have to lie to their spouse in order to avoid conflict or "getting in trouble" is not a healthy one.
Read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft, and I believe it will bring you clarity.
Alarm bells
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Kabee, most of what you posted doesn't describe typical ADHD, but rather a very controlling, abusive man. Trust yourself!! Please don't go back to this very dangerous situation. He is already trying to isolate you from your friends... please look it up... That is a classic abuser/manipulation tactic. You already feel forced to lie just to do normal things like go out with friends and take birth control (it's YOUR body and that's YOUR call). He will not change with children in the picture... that will only make it harder to escape him. Please reach out to as many people in your family and friends circle as you can (not his mom) and make sure they know what's going on.
Kabee, whether his behaviour
Submitted by Exhaustedlady87 (not verified) on
Kabee, whether his behaviour is a result of ADHD or not, the question you should be asking yourself is, "Is it abusive?" Here are some abusive relationship red flags:
Isolating you from friends and family
Telling you how to conduct yourself, what to wear, what to do, who to talk to
Not respecting your personal space - like taking over your social media accounts
Not respecting your body - if you're not ready for a baby that is YOUR choice.
Calling you derogatory names
"Walking on eggshells" is a common phrase people use when describing abusive relationships.
Abusive relationships (particularly those involving people with personality disorders) are characterized by the term FOG - which stands for fear, obligation, and guilt.
Fear - you do things BECAUSE you are afraid, such as lying to avoid being verbally abused. From what I read, you're not trying to live a single life, you just wanted to attend university functions and see your friends. Perfectly normal, and what you should be doing, and you feeling you're not allowed to do that, and the only way to avoid being isolated is to lie about it, screams of an abusive relationship red flag (see others here: https://nnedv.org/content/red-flags-of-abuse/)
Obligation - you're doing what's best for someone else to the detriment of yourself (for example, going back to your husband because you're married and family members want you to - is that what YOU really want, or is it just what's expected of you?).
Guilt - you're emotionally blackmailed into doing things (e.g. you might hear "If you don't come back, he'll overdose/never be happy/won't cope/etc.)
You say divorce isn't an option, why is that? For religious reasons? I urge you to re-evaluate your stance there. You are very young, this is a very unhealthy relationship, and the issues seem more than that of just ADHD. I am worried about you. Kids is a very, very bad idea right now. You have every right to take birth control and I would recommend you keep doing so. If the pills are an issue - get the implant or injection. NO ONE, and I mean NO ONE should ever force you into having children you are not ready for. Children are never the solution to relationship problems. I cannot understand why people are trying to push the issue of children in such a volatile situation. It will not fix anything.
There is absolutely NO guarantee that things will be fine or get better if you go back. The best predictor of future behaviour, is past behaviour. I would urge you to get with a good therapist. When we're in the FOG (https://outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt) we often can't steer a clear course ahead for ourselves. A therapist may be the best person to talk to about this as if your family, and his, are deeply religious and don't approve of divorce, they may not be the best people to talk to about this, as they will ultimately want you to stay together, even if that's not what's best for you. You need someone who ONLY has your best interests at heart. Not someone with a FOG agenda. If you have family members you cant trust, who will accept a divorce, talk to them. If not, look for a therapist or friends.
If you decide to do couples therapy, please, please make sure you have individual sessions too and do not discuss what you say in your sessions with your spouse or anyone that's going to leak information back to him. What you say in your sessions is none of his business and if you are with an abusive partner they will want to control your sessions and what you're supposed to think and what you say about them. THIS IS A RED FLAG! Watch out for it.
Check out the therapist Kris Godinez on YouTube. She has some great videos about abusive relationships, personality disorders, and a whole bunch of other things.
First of all, thank you so
Submitted by kabee on
First of all, thank you so much for your comment, it was extremely helpful and urged me to talk about my problem more.
My husband has taken over all of my social media accounts and even he controls my phone settings, my email, apps etc. But he justifies all of this behavior by saying that since I have lied and broken his trust, he is doing all of this. And even most of the arguments that we have had before this incident, were because of me since I was lying and my husband knew something was wrong but he could not point it out (according to him). There was no such behavior from his side during the start of this relationship, he was extremely accomodating to my my choices and behaviour but eventually I started noticing a lot of jealousy from his side. He used to read my messages and conversations on phone(even with my mom), not letting me participate in university events because then I will be interacting with boys. He wanted and still wants to know how my day went in extreme detail and would get annoyed if I do not do so, initially I used to do this until I started observing how he would taunt me about those very things in our next argument/fight. He has asked me to keep writing a journal during all this time when I am away from him, because my actions will be a proof to him that he can trust me. My words are not enough.
Divorce is an option but I am not considering it because the society I live in, it is considered a taboo. My family is not forcing me to go back but they are saying stuff like it would get better, initially all husbands are like this, give it some time and you will be fine.
He talked to me yesterday after a week or so. His mood was a lot better, he told me he had missed me and that he loves me. Things look better from his end as for now. But I am still scared that anything might happen or trigger him.
Respect has to go both ways.
Submitted by SweetandSour on
Respect has to go both ways. It sounds like your husband didn't trust or respect you BEFORE you lied to him. He never had the right to expect you not to participate in activities because you would be interacting with males. That type of jealousy is pathological and his behavior and attitudes are controlling. It is not ok for him to think and act like that. The red flags in your story are blazing! He has no right to control your media accounts. NO right - no matter what you may have done or not done. Just for the record, not telling someone everything you think and do is not the same as lying to them. You have rights to privacy and personal boundaries. Your family is completely wrong that it will get better and all husbands are like this initially. I honestly fear for your life in the future. Is going against a social taboo more serious for you than having your life controlled and possibly ended? Go read some accounts of women who have been battered and killed by their husbands and see that all the precursors to those endings are present here in your situation. Jealous and controlling men are dangerous!! You already are afraid of him and you already have found that you cannot placate or appease him enough - he is very bad news - you REALLY need to stay away. I am actually uncomfortable being so definitive about someone else's choices, so take that as a sign of how worrying your story is.
I'm concerned
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Your post is alarming in its content for a wide variety of reasons, the largest of which is that it sounds as if you are in an abusive relationship. Your partner's excessive sensitivity could possibly be explained by ADHD symptoms - and specifically the emotionality that is a core feature of ADHD. This sensitivity can lead to anger and rage, as well as very fast escalation of responses. However, that does NOT explain the controlling, manipulative and jealous behavior, none of which are specifically associated with ADHD. And it is the jealousy, the poor judgment of impersonating you to others, etc that is particularly worrisome. As well as your claims that you both hit each other physically, which is definitely not part of a healthy relationship.
Other areas of concern are how you have taken to covering up your activities from him - either from a fear of retribution (for example, anger or abuse) or from feelings of guilt...it is unclear from what you write. In any event, feeling that you must lie in order to keep peace in your relationship is also an indication that things are not right between you.
I do not think it is a good idea for you to go back into this relationship until you have had a chance to get counseling and to understand wehther or not the two of you can create healthy interactions. And, as you are thinking about your options, I would also call an abuse hotline to find out more about what an abusive relationship looks like and what to do in response to physical abuse. I think you may find it sobering.
As you move through your next stages I would do some reflection on your own cover-ups. What is driving them? Figuring that out will help you (and your counselor) work through some of the issues that need to be addressed for you to have a happy - even a safe - future.
I used to hide my activities
Submitted by kabee on
I used to hide my activities like going out with friends and attending events because I was afraid he would get annoyed and angry. But yeah I did lie in order to keep peace between us. Even his mother used to tell me to delete any such messages in my phone which might cause him annoyance and that I do not have to tell each and everything to him.
Recently I started to stay quiet when he would raise any argument, I would try my best to not say too much in order to avoid any more arguments. As a result of this. he labelled me as a passive wife and that he does not want a passive wife in his life. Sometimes I even do agree to whatever he is saying so that we can avoid having a fight over it. If he does not like something then he expects me to do the same but he won't say it directly. For example, If he does not like watching movies so I should not be watching them because they are not good for our mental health, he does not like using social media so I should not be using it either.
I used to do the same thing
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I used to do the same thing with my ex-husband. Remaining silent to avoid his anger and rage, because disagreeing with him in the slightest was not worth it. My in laws were the same way. My MIL said that she could either remain passive and let Jerry walk all over her, or push back. My point was that marriage should not be THAT HARD. When I "pushed back", it did no good, because he always twisted my words around and pointed the finger at me. It was always my fault, even when it wasn't. I shouldn't have to argue and fight every day just to be heard. I shouldn't have to fight and struggle to be treated with respect. Being married to him was emotionally draining. I ended up clinically depressed, and often wished I were dead. Glad to be away from that. After I left, the veil was lifted from my eyes. I was not stupid, ugly or worthless. He was the only one who thought that...