Hello,
My partner was diagnosed a few years ago but things haven't been right for a long time. We've been together over 20 years and have two children. He has a terrible temper. If something isn't working he flips out. Things get thrown and I usually get blamed even if it's not my fault. I've been told in the past that "I made him do something" because he got worked up and that was as a result of something I did. This includes once making our 2-year-old cry because he smashed glass and our son was then scared of him. He said I made him do that and it's my fault he's scared of him. It's all come to a head in the past week when he took something I said literally to heart and things got destroyed. I am at my wits end and do not know what to do. I am constantly at the end of verbal abuse. Yesterday he broke stuff and apparently it was my fault for not coming to stop him. When he was struggling with something last week I stupidly suggested he asked for help from a professional and that led to all this. Now he's getting rid of things because he feels inadequate and apparently that's my fault. I was only trying to help.
If I get upset and start talking about my feelings or how he makes me feel then he says I am playing the victim.
He never admits fault or apologises for anything.
This is only the tip of the iceberg, so much has happened over the years. My anxiety is sky high. I said I wasn't sure if I want to continue and he said he would leave if I wanted him to. But we aren't in a strong position financially. He's in between jobs and my role may come to and end in a few months so I don't feel strong enough. I want to get some help through therapy because I feel destroyed inside and I want someone else to validate my feelings.
Can anyone offer any advice?
Blame
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
You probably know this, but just in case...you are NEVER EVER responsible for your partner's choices about how he responds to you. He has all sorts of options for how to respond to you - from gentle kindness to rage. That he picks rage and blame is on him, not on you.
Having gotten that off my chest...
You do need assistance both for getting your life values and actions aligned, and for financial planning so that you can feel able to leave this relationship if it is what you choose. Additionally since he is the one who is doing the blaming etc, he needs help as well.
I know that money is tight - some resources that are cost efficient include:
Of all of these, the place I would probably start is the couples seminar if your partner is willing. That's because he is the one who is doing the blaming and not taking responsibility for his ADHD. In order to really repair things it's critical that this attitude change. The seminar would help him see that it's not about you, it's about ADHD symptoms and responses...everyone has similar issues. That's a big 'aha' moment for many, and may make him more open to change. He needs that 'aha' in order to start taking responsibility for himself. If he doesn't do that, you can only manage your own responses...and that will change things at the edges of the relationship rather than the heart.
The second would be the support groups because for sure you will get validation from others, as well as some good ideas.
Best to you
Thank you for your reply. I
Submitted by chloe92 on
Thank you for your reply. I had a long conversation with his parents today which has helped to reassure me that I'm not in the wrong as there were a lot of issues when he was growing up.
I am starting to accept that nothing is going to change and I feel I need to mentally prepare for that. It's so hard as we are a family but I just can't see a way forward. I would be willing to try couple's therapy but I'm not sure that he would.
Please get you and your kids to a safer place
Submitted by Jinsai on
Hi. I don't usually give advice, but I really really pray that you leave this man. Someone who is terrifying your kids with his violence, and surely scaring you too, is abusive by any definition. Even if you don't feel that you can leave for your own sake, I truly hope that you can see a way to do it for your kids. I've known so many people who had an abusive parent, and they are NOT. OKAY. Every one of them would rather have lived out of a car than be that scared all the time. They started numbing out and dissociating at an early age, and they have lived dysfunctional, pain-filled lives. As someone who grew up with extremely neglectful parents and went through many life-endangering experiences as a young child that I had to survive on my own, I can tell you that being terrified is no way to live. I 100% get the financial thing: lack of $$ has been the only thing keeping me with my ADHD husband at many points over the years. But your kids are scared of their dad. I really feel like they need to be out of there, as horribly difficult as that will be for you.
Just to be clear, I totally get you still being there, and I have zero judgment if you end up staying. I hurt for you, and for myself, and for myself, and I send you all the sympathy in the world and a big hug from afar.