A couple of weeks ago I wrote about my long distance relationship with my fianceé. He had been very distant for a couple of weeks before, but last week he started communicating more and I was happy for it.
On Monday of this week I sent him a message telling him that I needed to talk to him (because for some weird reason I felt uneasy) I felt somehow responsible for him being in the US and him feeling sad because I encouraged him to do it and I'm in Guatemala. (It was a better job opportunity for him professionally and for the both of us since we were going to get married or at least that was the plan). And since his response was very shallow I suddenly asked him if he had the same feelings for me or if his feelings had changed. He told me that he is still in love with me but he was let go off work last Friday and he didn't know how to tell me, he did not want me to tell anyone, he did not want to talk about it at that time but we would talk about it afterwards, I think that his previous change towards me had something to do with this, maybe he was already fearing that something was going to happen at work or something.
That afterwards never came. I understand completely how he must be feeling right now, because I have been there too and all I want is to support him, because I know he is completely capable of finding a new job, he has the experience and the skills, but for some reason he has isolated himself completely. He doesn't answer the phone nor texts. He hasn't been a drinker just socially, but I am afraid that he starts doing it more often right now.
My question is what should I do?, I was thinking of giving him 2 weeks to assimilate his reality and see if he makes any kind of contact? Or another crazy idea I had was to get on a plane and go look for him (but I don't know if he is still at home or if he left to his dad's house in Alabama) I wanted to talk to his sister in law but I don't know if he has already told his family about it (because he doesn't like to be a disappointment to his dad.....
So I am confused if you have any idea, please share it to me.
Andrea.
From what you said
Submitted by NowOrNever (not verified) on
From what you said he said, Andrea, how you wrote it at least sounds like he's telling you the truth. There may be more to it, but what he said sounds like he's not making it up, or lying, that it's something other than he said. I'm just telling you how it came across to me.
And since his response was very shallow I suddenly asked him if he had the same feelings for me or if his feelings had changed. He told me that he is still in love with me but he was let go off work last Friday and he didn't know how to tell me,
This to me sounds like very much what a man would say. If he told you the truth in your past relationship, maybe it would be good to believe him that he still is in love with you.
I can see a man not saying about something like losing a job, until he knew how to handle it. You didn't say whether or not he was from Guatemala. If he is, chances are high that he understands that he is supposed to be the provider, after you marry. So if he lost a job, that would be a very big deal to a Guatemalan man. If he's a man of honor and a Latino, he won't want to lie to you. So yeah, I could see that he could go silent until he knew how to handle telling you about the job.
How about talking to him right where he talked to you. He worried that you might be interested in dating other men? (Maybe then he knew that he lost the job). Tell him that you love him, if you love him. He told you he was still in love with you.
If he said he was worried how you'd take him losing a job, tell him what you really feel and think, for example (if this is true of you) that you're glad that he told you he lost his job, that people who marry tell the truth about these things, and you're glad he did
he did not want me to tell anyone,
Some things married couples keep to themselves by agreement between them. The things are not for family to hear, or to hear yet. The couple gets to decide when to say what. Tell him that if he wants you not to tell anyone about the job loss, you'll do it. Be his reliable, strong support in this. If he's from Guatemala, my sense is that he really needs you to help him with this by not talking to people about his job loss. Say that you'll wait until he gets his next job, or until he says it's OK to tell people he's in his next job. He's doing the work and has lost and will get the next job. Help him with keeping that situation private, if that's what he wants. That's my opinion. Wives need to support their husbands. In this situation, it's his business what his employment status is.
he did not want to talk about it at that time but we would talk about it afterwards,
Tell him that you do want to talk about it afterwards, but that you are willing to wait until then. Ask him when "afterwards" is, after he gets his next job? So that you have an idea how long he's planning not to talk things over with you. A general idea.
I think that his previous change towards me had something to do with this, maybe he was already fearing that something was going to happen at work or something.
I'll bet that you are right.
He's such a long distance away. The best thing you can do is wait for him to talk and reassure him that you won't tell his family or other people in Guatemala about his being between jobs in the U.S. And then do it, don't talk to them. Have his back. It's none of their business about his job, since he's so far away from them. I think it's great that he told you why he hadn't contacted you.
It's not easy, long distance, Andrea.
It might work to tell him that you'll not talk to other people about his job, and wait for him to talk about it more but in the meantime you want some contact from him, because you love and miss him, and ask him for something, here, for example that he call you every week, agreeing not to talk about the job stuff.
Take anything useful to you from this, throw the rest away. You'll know what fits your situation, and what doesn't
He sounds like a good man.
Now
...there's something that they say about being willing to risk losing a battle to win the war. If you take the high road, and believe him and support him, you'll know quicker than other wise, whether or not he really wants the relationship with you. I suspect he does, but right now go the way of trust and support. Although don't be shy about asking him for what you yourself need right now, which may be contact, may be some old times together on the phone. You'll know. Ask him for what he can provide now. And for what you want in the immediate present... given the distance. No big commitments forever for later. That's for later.
I'll take your advice
Submitted by andrucd on
Thank you Now for your comments.
He is not guatemalan he is from the US from Alabama.
I am not trying to make him explain me what happened, because it doesn't matter in the end. I want to give him my support and I haven't told anyone but my best friend.
I send him a text yesterday telling him that he is not alone and that this is just an opportunity to make adjustments to the original plan, not the end of it. As he said we are a team we would get through too. I have been looking for jobs here in Guatemala ( because I would love to have him back here and I know he likes it here too) I've been looking for jobs in the US and everywhere else, but I can't tell him any of this until he communicates with me and asks for support finding a job. I don't want him to think that I won't love him without a job and that he is disappointing me, these things happen and we move on.
I know he is a good person and I love him, I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I am just freaking out because I haven't heard from him in 4 days and we used to Facetime every day. I just want to hear his voice and know that he is ok.
I haven't been sleeping thinking of the what if's? I don't know if he is hurt and hasn't been able to reach the phone or if he had a car accident. His phone is turned off and that makes me worry a lot.
But I will have to wait, wait another week ot two and see what happens I hope I hear from him earlier.
andrucd.