Hello everyone, sorry to show up so helpless. But I am.
My severe ADD husband is doing a bit better. Sleeping, and doing housework, and trying out new medication against emotional dysregulation.
I am trying to entangle my emotions after the wildly upsetting last few months. Cry often when alone. Realize I never relax. I try to catch every ball at home. I also do it with extended family, acquaintances and even strangers. I'm being hyper receptive to and compensate for their peculiarities, like a crazy person. It upsets me, it makes me want to cut people off, and I think I need to somehow tighten boundaries, but I don't know how.
What's to be done when you concluded long ago you will never get your needs met in a relationship? When no amount of effort will make the communication you depend on, flow. When you've come to think of this as a simple matter of fact. My sense of self-worth has eroded with it. Do I like my husband at all? I don't really know. His difficulties have been monstrous and they blot everything else out. I have a fierce need to protect and repair our life mostly for the sake of the children. But I feel sluggish with exhaustion. Unimportant.
I'm having a strange notion of all things dear to me slipping away. I'm not able to save them. I'm losing touch with my past. I can't turn to my extended family for help.
What do we do in these situations, friends?
Are you able to talk to a
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Are you able to talk to a counselor or therapist? That helped me when I was married and my then-husband's functioning was deteriorating, unpredictable, or both.
Thank you
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Thank you Poisonivy. I do have a CBT therapist. I've had several. Nobody seems to be able to change much.
What would you like to change
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
What would you like to change (that is within your power to change, so, not your husband)?
Change
Submitted by Swedish coast on
I would want acceptance and love from my family of origin. They probably give that to me, but I can't see it. I feel dismissed and my boundaries violated.
I would want independence. No more of being responsible for an ADD adult.
I want to be a fun friend, a generous daughter and sister and cousin. Not shutting people out because my marriage is so exhausting and painful, and I feel physically ill when people take a litte more from me than was offered.
Are there changes you can
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Are there changes you can make now to (1) limit what you do for your spouse and (2) become more accepting of the reality of being in a relationship with a person with ADHD?
Here are some changes I was able to make when I was married: (1) I stopped trying to protect my husband from the consequences of his actions if the consequences wouldn't harm me or our children. (2) I stopped doing his laundry. (3) I stopped urging him to look for a job. (4) I increased my financial independence (e.g., working more hours, taking more freelance work). (5) I swallowed the bitter pill that although my husband told me several times that I was the "best thing that ever happened to him," me being the best thing was not sufficient for him to want to be my partner.
So sorry
Submitted by Swedish coast on
So sorry to read this last part. I feel for you. ❤️
Thank you for taking the time to share your insights.
You describe boundaries that must have served well. I am trying to draw up something similar - husband's work, sick days, transportation I won't engage in. I work more to have some financial security. I leave it to him to find out what recreational activities make him happy. I've withdrawn from his parents. I'm not responsible for his mistakes and won't apologize for them. I make plans without asking him first since he cannot plan ahead.
I'm also considering letting go of sharing. He can't take my distress, and it is hard to hide now. But at least I can shut up about it, I guess.
I got the sense that my
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I got the sense that my husband started to withdraw at around the same time I started to think I was willing to be brave and confide in him. Coincidence? Probably not.
I hope I don't come across as too confident or self-satisfied. I'm comfortable with my decision to get a divorce, and I can put my experiences in perspective and acknowledge that my life could be much, much worse. But many aspects of my marriage were heartbreaking, and I felt very angry, sad, depressed, and anxious and still do sometimes because of the marriage.
Even though the divorce was
Submitted by Swedish coast on
You come across as very thoughtful and kind. I appreciate your story.
Even though the divorce was best for you, I understand how painful it must be to disengage and finally lose hope of the big commitment turning out ok in the end. A marriage is a story, isn't it? I thought when medication and counseling and awareness had done their work, our marriage would surface again and I would be happy I stood firm in it. Now this scenario seems improbable and good years seem wasted for nothing. It's painful.
It doesn't even seem like a clean divorce is possible for us. We have talked at length today and can't agree about an arrangement (it was he who asked for divorce last week). If I insist on autonomy for me, he won't be able to remain a present father, or the children must leave their entire lives behind.