Hello all,I am here because I believe my wife has adhd. I've been with my wife for 5 years now,and many things have come out of hiding since then. Here are a list of issues that are doing damage to our relationship.
*Her memory is terrible, she Forgets everything, loses things,always leaving her credit card in the card,or on the floor or anywhere but her purse.
* If I want to talk about something on my mind I can never finish what I'm saying before she interrupts me,then starts talking about something completely different to my original topic. She makes excuses for everything and cannot handle even the slightest criticism.
*A simple task she turns into something difficult, always does it the hard long way. Like on her phone, like when she is searching for a movie, it can take hrs,instead of going to sites we know works she persists on sites that don't,then when I have to tell her AGAIN,babe that sites doesn't work she acts as if she didn't know, yet I only told her 24hrs earlier.
*She will do things around the house that have no priority, yet the priority things don't get done.
*She cannot handle the slightest criticism,and takes it as a personal attack. From there she usually turns it around so the spotlight is on me.
*Her eating skill are that of a 3yo,chews like a cow and gets food everywhere.
*She cannot answer a yes or know answer, instead can waffle on for ages about what should be a 20 second response,making any excuse she can.
* We could be talking about a brown cow,then all of a sudden we are talking about mowing lawns.
* She is always wiggling in bed,throwing her hands around, puts a drink down on the bench nearly breaking it because she slams it,it's like her hands weight a ton and she can't hold them up.
There are many more very annoying traits but you get the jist.
Every time I try and approach her about these things,or I have to take her credit card that she left visible on the seat in the car ,there are arguments,. She denies it all,makes excuses for everything and tells me I am the same and maybe I need to do something about it. I love her dearly but it's starting to take a toll on our relationship. Now I could be wrong because I don't have a habit of diagnosis through Google. When we started dating she claimed the when she was a child her doctor said she has 20% Adhd. Now I'm no doctor but that doesn't sound right,considering my youngest son (from another mother)has adhd, so I know what the signs are, and they are so similar in ways it's not funny. I have asked her in every way imaginable to get help,but she denies it all and turns it into what I need to get help for.
Please, does this sound like someone with ADHD or an I going crazy. And if so,how can I get her help without her taking as an insult or personal attack.
Also not a doctor…
Submitted by MATTHD on
But, sounds like ADHD to me. I chuckled out loud reading this as my soon-to-be ex-wife with ADHD does all of these things exactly.
Strangely, instead of the credit cards on the seat, she would unlock the front door and leave her keys in the door before complaining she can't find them.
I bought her a Bluetooth keychain thing so she wouldn't lose her keys, but then she forgets to use it.
Yes, my ADHD ex did all of these things
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I can relate to everything you listed here as well as what MATT listed. My ADHD ex did all of these things. I don't know how you can help her without her taking it as an insult or attack, especially with the RSD (takes even the slightest hint of criticism as an attack). I had the same issues. You could try reading Melissa's book together as a start if you can get her that far. She might see your relationship in that and some of her characteristics and feel like there is hope for improvement with participation from both sides. For me, I found without participation from the person with ADHD, this was an impossible problem to solve alone as the non-ADHD partner.
You're not crazy!
Question
Submitted by MATTHD on
Melody, how long have you been separated? Are you glad?
il going through a divorce right now that my wife initiated- I still be hanging on to the idea that I could have done a better job at helping her with the ADHD (or at least reacting more nicely), but it’s extremely difficult- it’s like playing ping-pong with my brain every time she would fidget, interrupt, or do something destructive and absent-minded.
I am glad, yes
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Hi Matt. Yes, I am much happier now. I was a ball of anxiety all the time when we were together from the chaos. The relief from not having to manage the fallout of daily emotional outbursts and messes... not to mention bigger issues like flooding the house (twice) and leaving the car keys in the car (stolen) is very freeing. It has been about a year and a few months since we separated. It was definitely the hardest thing I've ever gone through emotionally, but wow, what a difference. We were together 20 years and I spent the final 10 trying so hard to hold it all together. We have a child together and I have her all of the time. He comes by once a week to visit her and honestly, we get along fine. I think that's because it's a huge relief to me that I don't expect anything from him as a partner. I'm not waiting all day for him to make good on his promise to take care of the trash or to pay the bill he promised to pay. I'm not up at 4a.m. to check if he left the gas stove on again or the doors wide open. And I think if he could be honest about it, it's a relief for him too. He can live any way he likes, free from society's or my expectations.... he eats fast food every day and stays up all night most nights. That wasn't ideal in a family unit, but single, he can do as he pleases. I do hope he'll show up every week to see his daughter and he does. He values his time with her now that it's precious instead of fighting with her all the time. A great side benefit. She is much happier too.
I really hope you will find happiness as you move through this. I'm sorry you didn't want the divorce necessarily. I really think you might end up grateful for it in the long run.
Issues.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I've read your post to my fiance who has ADHD.
He seems to think that there could be other things going on with your wife. Then again, each person is different.
He thought of something that might get her to take care of her credit card better. If you find the credit card laying on the seat of her car take it and don't tell her you took it and shred it. Act like you don't know where it is and she will be forced to cancel the old card and get a new one. I don't know how well this would work.
My fiance's daughter also has ADHD. She was always leaving doors unlocked and open and he wanted to teach her a lesson. At the time she was in her early twenties and in college. He came home from work one day to find that the apartment door was wide open and her laptop was sitting on the dining room table. He decided to teach her a lesson by taking the laptop and hiding it in his closet. When she came home she didn't notice the laptop was missing. Later on she went into an all-out panic trying to look for it he pretended that he didn't know where it was. He told her that when he got to the apartment the door was wide open. After a few minutes, he got the laptop out of his closet and told her that she needed to close and lock the door behind her when she left. That was the last time she left the door open.
Painful lessons
Submitted by adhd32 on
For many ADHDers it seems as though the only lessons learned are the ones that cause inconvenience or panic. Especially when they are clearly at fault and have no one to blame.
Dazzag...Same living of life here......
Submitted by c ur self on
There is nothing you can do, but, destroy your marriage, if you don't learn to live and let live....My wife is very similar in many ways you have mentioned here....But she is not my child...I get the mail out of the box and I see her replacement credit/debit cards from time to time...Her purse always get over packed...Her wallet want close (it looks like it could explode any second....What do I do?...Shut up and mind my own business and focus on loving her...If you need boundaries, which you probably do in many area's of life, so be it.....I have plenty...But you are looking at the person she is...she has been....And she will die being in many ways...The ability to change is limited...And until SHE decides it's a problem, she will live just like she is living...Same as you and I and everyone else....People who have minds like our wives usually also have insecurities, they deal with shame...And many live in denial of the effects their behaviors have on others...But it's up to you to accept her, stop pointing out (she is not you, nor can she function like you) things that she isn't aware of, or feels hopeless to do anything about...
Stop trying to think for your wife, or you will become her least favorite person to be around, no matter how much she loves you....Been there....It's taken years to get trust and peace back in our relationship....The more you focus on your dislike for her living of life...The worse your mental state will become, and the more it will dominate your life....Don't be drug into things (mothering) that just create stress in you...When she fails at something, don't make yourself a target by angrily cleaning up behind her...(ringing her phone, helping hunt her cards, keys etc, etc...) if you can do something peacefully and keep you mouth shut...Help her...If you can't, walk away and let her clean up her own messes.....Just a little advice from someone who has learned this the hard way.....
c
Thanks for your advice
Submitted by Dazzag on
G'day mate, I appreciate your advice, and it's exactly what I needed, looks like I've got some learning to do. I'll see how I go
Same here, my spouse has many
Submitted by maryjo on
Same here, my spouse has many of these behaviors, especially regarding communication (abrupt subject changes, beyond terrible memory, lying, denying the obvious, rewriting history - that only happened an hour or two before - etc.). Our son was diagnosed 4 years ago in 5th grade and that's when the light bulb went off for me regarding a lot of the problems my husband and I have had in our 19 years of marriage. No light bulb for him though. Maybe try reading Melissa's book together if you haven't done that. The seminar is also excellent. It is helpful also to figure out some coping skills & strategies for yourself that will help keep you sane & reduce frustration regardless of what your spouse is doing.