Submitted by Dipity on 07/16/2015.
Yet again I feel we are back where we started. We took and completed the couples seminar from here and I honestly thought we were both working hard to keep our marriage on track and were being open an honest with ourselves. Yet here I sit after Dh decided to unleash a torrent of how bad I am, how I don't like or love him, how he feels I control all aspects of how we live. So I ask ok what exactly am I stopping or controlling anything we do? No answer!! I ask and check in every couple of weeks if he is feeling good about us, I respectfully say At the time if he's being distracted or rude. Why does he feel it necessary to "save up" what he feels are bad behaviours on my part and unleash them in a torrent months and months after they happen? Then he's so angry there's no talking. I feel blindsided again. It was literally a week ago when I checked in and spoke to him about our relationship and as far as I was concerned hos answer of "I think we're communicating well, we're being intimate and things are going great, I feel appreciated and happy" was the truth! Why say it and a week later tell me I don't love him?? I hit 40 yesterday. I don't want to be doing this for the next 20 years, having the same conversation over and over. Melissas course is brilliant, it has taught me so much about myself. The boundaries I havr set for myself help me every single day. However also they leave me with a tough decision. Do I stay and hope for the best and try and be patient, and hope that he can learn not to go along and manipulate situations so he can avoid any kind of difficult conversation, or do I cut my losses and get out while I'm still surrounded by friends who support me and love me. I keep pointing out I am with him because I love him and want to he with him. I'm tired of being told that's not true. I'm unsure why he a) thinks that at all and b) if he truly thinks it, and isn't just saying it to lash out - why would he stay with.someone whom he believed has no love for him.
This forum is great on one hand and on the other I see so many of you dealing with.this for years and years. We have been together for 13 years almost and after yesterday I'm left feeling we are no further on as a couple than before we started the counselling. I'm not perfect, I slip up, I thought the point of communication was to be respectful, and if slip ups in anything happen then we can talk. I've begged him to point out if I show parenty behaviour to tell me. But he never does unless he's saved up 6 months worth of things to be pissed off over. That's not communication in my book
The root...
Submitted by c ur self on
Good Morning Dipity...I think most of us deal with these same kind of up and down's of emotions and interactions in our relationships....It's best for me not to panic when it's happening, it's the out working of the frailty of being human, our baggage and our faulty thinking....
If I can stay in a peaceful place (do not reflect her emotions; easy to type, much harder to do) when she is not, it defuses the situation...Why does this happen? What is the root? I've asked myself this question so many times...I think it's such a painful place very few of us have the courage to find out about ourselves....So it's virtually an impenetrable fortress for most of us...
I'm finding I must guard against trusting in my own intellect, emotions, and will....Because, I will always try to save my own life usually at other's expense. Then justify it of course so I can be right in my mind so I can live with myself...You know, Denial..LOL
I heard a 23 year old Son tell his Add controlling Mother who had just realized how intrusive she was being in a situation ( one she requested, and was being done as a favor to her, which is usually the case with this type mind) and so as she threw out the patented..."I'm sorry"...He just turn his head away from her as she said sorry,and said..."Are you going to change?"
Change? Most of us would change for the better, if we would could see (have our eyes opened for us) the true path that brings the change....
There are people in this world I'll just call them giver's....Who usually are thankful people, who's words are usually efforts of kindness and service, who seem to live self-aware. Who know that being responsible is just part of life and being mature....And then there are Users, people who seem to have very little self discipline toward responsibility. Who live with an intense desire to control and use others and live with their hand out all the time....
The problem occurs when in our minds we refuse to see ourselves as we truly are, as others see us....And when we try to verbally point out to others what they refuse to accept....Add on a few people who in the name of love enables us....Then in my humble opinion you have someone that you really would be fool to think you're going to live peacefully with the owner of this mind....
Another down I guess
Submitted by Dipity on
It's because I'm living it with you:)
Submitted by c ur self on
How hard is it not to want the fairy tale? How hard is it for you and I to not want to look at the potential of an Awesome loving peaceful marriage experience?
When some days are so great, we drift into a comfort level of believing it's all going to peaceful....Then in a flash we're asking ourselves, why didn't I see that coming? Why was I so foolish to not be on guard for what in my heart I don't want to accept?
Dipity when I can be wise enough to not press her to be responsible to what I think is important to this marriage then I can have peace (lonely a lot, but peaceful) and argue very little....Acceptance of her causes me to have to not engage her because of her refusal to ever verbalize or admit any fault in her living of life....Control and Denial has to be walked away from or it will take us down:) Also, I have found out she does care, and my walking away from anything that is not loving and mature is the best medicine for her...
Blessings and thanks you for your comment...
Counting my blessings
Submitted by Dipity on
I have the same problem that
Submitted by Xoliswthrtox on
I have the same problem that ill say to my husband oh things have been going well, i feel our connection is strong this past week or something to this effect.. He'll agree but days later lash out about something that inevitably is something he's upset with about me and i do nothing to change... That he gets no respect from anyone...and of course that hes always way undersatisfied in bed...we've been together 8 years, living and married together 2 and i literally ask myself multiple times a day if this is right? Can i wait it out? I dont want to live my life on this emotional roller coaster...its starting to take a real physical toll on me
Hard to fathom
Submitted by Dipity on
Awesome Post....
Submitted by c ur self on
This is how we all should shun Chaos...and be accountable ourselves....;)
<<<
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
<<<
Why does he feel it necessary to "save up" what he feels are bad behaviours on my part and unleash them in a torrent months and months after they happen?
<<<<
Since I have experienced this many times over the past 30+ years, this is my theory...
When they do explode, they feel the need to justify their rage, so they justify their anger with claims that you have been horrible for days or weeks or months.
Let me give you an example that "proved" to me that this is what's going on.
I was across the country for several weeks taking care of my ill parents. During that time, communications with H were limited, he doesn't like talking on the phone, so conversations were pleasant, just minimal updates, etc. I came home and everything was fine. Then, about a week later, H EXPLODED and said that I "had been a total a-hole for weeks." lol....uh...I haven't been here for weeks. oops. gotcha!!! H really felt embarrassed because once I said that I hadn't even been around for weeks, his words were exposed to be fraud.
(this is also part of the "now, not now" problem that exists with ADHD. Right NOW, he's angry at me, so in his mind, he's been angry all along. At that moment, he can't "remember" that I haven't even been within 2000 miles of him for weeks.)
The point was that something triggered, I don't know what, maybe the stress from me being away was too much for him because he's used to me taking care of him, and he exploded. When he exploded he needed to justify his anger, which he usually does by making the (false) claim that I've been a a bitch all month.
I've also seen H do this occasionally with others, but not nearly as often as he does with me. When he's done this with others, I have to remind him of the actual facts to help him back into reality. "No, that person hasn't been rude to you many times. You've only had pleasant conversations with that person. You're mad right now, so you're now painting that person "black"."
I don't like H's brother, but I've witnessed H totally change a story that involved his brother. H will say things that supposedly his brother said, which are totally NOT TRUE, but H does that when he's mad at his brother. Then he'll say that his brother tries to control his life. lol Totally crazy.
Doh!!!
Submitted by Dipity on
Not only is it the "now, not now" issue, but also....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Not only do I think it's the "Now, Not Now," issue, but blaming others become "habit" for those who didn't have parents who helped make them more "self-aware" in regards to taking ownership for their behaviors, feelings, etc.
My H was "parented badly". H was never held accountable for his behaviors. He just got used to saying things like, "that person has been an a-hole to me for years," without any confrontation in regards to the legitimacy of the claims.
So, as an adult, and in marriage, when H would get very mad, his "go to" response was, "you've been a bitch" (or a-hole) all week/month. So many times, the kids and I would be scratching our heads wondering what he was talking about because the previous days/weeks had been very pleasant.
but, once he tried making that claim after I had been 2000 miles away for several weeks, the jig was up.
BTW....the total opposite can also be true. If H has a raging-meltdown on, for instance, Wednesday, but then by Saturday things are going well, then it's not unusual for him to say on Sunday, "It's been a great week. We've been getting along so well." Because of the "now, not now", in his mind if he's happy "now," then he's been happy for months.