Just needed to get this out. My husband has just told me that he will be on vacation in a week...and he's dying to go away somewhere. I told him it is ridiculous and unfair that he makes such a hasty decision without consulting with me and now expects me to make it happen. Mind you, we have a 4 year old. For 5 years now I've been telling him how he needs to take a vacation from work, so that we can do something. He NEVER wants to take off, not one single day. We can't plan anything. Someone on his job told him of their wonderful PLANNED vacation and now that's where he wants to go. When I said that it is too short notice, he blows up and says "you tell me to take vacation time and when I do, you don't want to do anything"...?!? I'm in the middle of pms-ing, have planned appointments and things to do that week and now I'm supposed to drop everything to make this "pop up" vacation happen? Now he's upset and is walking around here sulking. He literally packs a bag the night before and is ready to go, never helping with any of the planning or pre-vacation tasks. Am I wrong for taking a stand and saying NO...not this time sweetheart? I'm so tired of this!
Here we go again
Submitted by CallyP on 07/07/2013.
Geez!
Submitted by ShelleyNW on
No you are not wrong. If you made it happen it would be enabling. I guess you could suggest he make the necessary plans himself, but still, it's a lot to expect you to change directions midstream. I feel your pain.
Thanks
Submitted by CallyP on
Thanks. I definitely need to find a new approach to dealing with these types of situations with him. Last year, when I realized it was April and he had no intentions of putting in for vacation, I put my foot down and told him "I'm planning a nice vacation, either you're in or you're out", then proceeded to make arrangements. Of course, then he was able to take off without any issues. In 2 months time, I did everything, left no ends untied, and even was smart enough to invite Grandma along for help with my then 3 year old. For the first time, I actually was able to enjoy myself while away from home with him and our daughter because I had help. At the end of the trip (Disney cruise) we had the opportunity to book again at a discount, with perks, but because I was the one to suggest that we do it, he declined. The end of April this year, almost a year later, he starts looking at the costs for the same cruise I mentioned, and wanted to book for mid May again...WTH? Who books a cruise 2 weeks before sailing? I said absolutely not. He never plans ahead, waits until the last minute (usually when someone else like a coworker or a family member mentions something), then he's ready to leap into action. The problem is he expects me to do all the planning, and get this.....has the nerve to want to be efficient and cost conscientious! Which means I have to now make all arrangements via phone for best results, all while keeping up with an active 4 year old and all of the household duties. When all is planned, I have to keep a watchful eye on him because now he wants to look like Mr. Planner Man and fiddle with the arrangements, start questioning rooms, downsize/upgrade car rentals, change seating on flights, etc. I would love to just let him "handle things", but I know what's going to happen...been there, done that, don't ever want to go there again. I can't put my or our daughter's well being into his hands. The only ones that will suffer as a result, would be us, not him. That's the sad part about all of this. Nothing we do (the non-ADHD spouse) to make them "learn the lesson" ever affects them as we would like. He would plan the vacation his way, enjoy it and make do. His errors will somehow be my fault.."if you had only packed all of our stuff in one suitcase, I wouldn't have left your bag in the garage". Not the fact that while he was loading the luggage into the car, he saw our neighbor, started talking about our trip and forgot what he was supposed to be doing. I've decided to pass on this trip. He's just going to have to get over it. I can't keep feeling guilty whenever I can't make him "happy" by acting as if I live for his existence. To clean up his messes and spin gold out of the piles of hay he dumps into this relationship. At some point he has to be accountable, pick up the pitchfork and get to shoveling. Sorry that he took off the whole week to end up not doing anything more than a couple of local day trips, if I have the time. But, that's what happens when you take time off without telling your spouse. Now I'm going to have him home for a whole week pacing and bumbling around....Lucky me :(
Don't expect partnered executive function
Submitted by jennalemon on
My dh won a trip. He had two years to make a telephone call. Everything would be arranged..he just had to make a call and a decision. I reminded him now and then that time would run out. I was not going to do it for him. Finally just before the trip was about to expire, he made the call and talked to the travel agent. It took the time constraint of him losing a $2000 trip for him to act on it. Now he is very proud of himself for making the telephone call. If I would have done it for him, it would not have been good to either of us. Everything has to be down to the wire of him feeling pain or loss personally and immediately for him to take action. He is only motivated by the present moment's loss or pain for himself, personally. That is all he can handle.
CallyP, let your dh make the decisions and the arrangements. Tell him you just can't make them with so little time. If there are days you are not able to go, tell him to make those arrangements around your schedule. It will make him understand that it would have been better if he would have talked to you ahead of time. Let him feel the pain. Don't take the pain or the blame yourself.
Yes, it is sad that two people must be so independent in a marriage.
Independence is key in an ADHD Marriage
Submitted by CallyP on
Unfortunately, I've had to learn the hard way that in this type of marriage, I have to act independently. I'm basically a single mother, with a roommate who helps out with the financials. Anytime I try to co-partner with him, it usually doesn't end well. Jennalemon, I totally get what you're saying..let him make the arrangements, let him feel the pain or loss. I do that on many occasions , where HE will be the only one affected. If I let him handle things this go round he would definitely plan something...we would be going somewhere and he would be happy as a button. But I don't see where he would feel any pain. Half of the arrangements would not be made because he's totally oblivious to the needs of our daughter and myself and he wouldn't be the least bit bothered by that. The other half that he does make MAY get us there in one piece. Again, he'd be totally okay with that. Still no pain or loss. Nothing to ring out a lesson to him for waiting until the last minute. However, if I say no, we're not going, he may (or may not) get it. Only time will tell if he tries this again. There's a lot that I've been doing lately to help myself out and not always expect him to do things and he's spitting fire. My new motto is "He doesn't want to help out, we pay for someone else to give us a hand". After almost 2 years of begging him to clean the carpets, I gave up and had someone come in. I didn't even tell him. He came home from work and it was done. He was home for an hour before he realized the carpeting was a little damp...lol. He was soooo happy that "I" cleaned them..."oh they look great Hun...yada yada"....until he found out the truth. Then he couldn't stop complaining. I tuned him out and went on about my business. I was proud of myself for finally not doing his work for him and further exhausting myself. While someone else did his work, I played games and spent quality time with our daughter. The next day I tried out Shop From Home with our local supermarket, since he promised to do the shopping that previous weekend, but then decided to work instead. All he had to do was go pick it up. Again, "aww geesh they charged a $10 fee for the service, that adds up". My attitude.. that was one more thing off the list, AND I got everything I asked for, unlike what usually happens when he does the shopping. I'm usually missing 6-8 items, that then warrants daily trips to the grocery store over the next 4 days. It is a shame that we have to live like this, it just seems to go against the whole principle of marriage "two people joining together to become one on one accord"...right? But in and ADHD marriage it's more like "two people joining together and only one ends up carrying the burden and sacrifices of being married and family life, while the other doesn't get that memo". It's a LOT to deal with and most of us would have never said "I do!" If we had any insight to this chaos being a huge chunk of our lives. I do love him, but this is too much sometimes.