Taking a page from Reddit- Am I The A$$ H*le?

My view on my wife's ADHD and her many other unfortunate afflictions (type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, IBD, migraines, and anxiety) is that she needs to figure out how to adapt to the world within the constraints of her ailments. I know it's an over simplification that will likely be taken negatively, but I can't help make anything better for her if she doesn't have the drive to push through and overcome her issues.

I have had a bad back for 28 years. I know I can't pickup (or shouldn't) pickup heavy objects. So, I find different ways to do what needs to be done without injury (usually without asking for help). Similar to my lactose intolerance. If I want to eat ice cream, I plan ahead and take a pill. I am terrible at remembering numbers & dates, so I use my phone to make calendar entries, reminders, and take pictures of labels or cards with info I'll need to keep myself organized. I adapt and overcome the obstacle.

With my wife, it's like she wants to be limited. I offer solutions for frequent ADHD type issues- Hanging your keys on the hook in the same place to make it a habit. Enter appointments into our shared Google calendar with notifications days and hours ahead. Don't start laundry unless your next few hours are clear to get through the entire process. Set reminders for tasks on your phone, etc. But, she doesn't do it. It's like she chooses to fail. I want her to own her failures and adapt. We have heated discussions about things I need from her (normally her lack of follow through & lack of affection). She communicates that she understands what needs to be done to make things better and what she's going to do about it, but she doesn't do anything different. So, I get even more frustrated.

My wife has only recently decided to look into ADHD medication and is going through more extensive testing with a new PCP. Her previous PCP (that left the practice) diagnosed her, but the new PCP thinks it was inadequate... She is not in any type of therapy. Well before the ADHD diagnosis, I demanded she get off anxiety meds because of the side effects (flightiness, memory issues, poor libido). She also hadn't seen her doctor from 2019 until she went to a new doc in 2023 with high blood pressure- yet the anxiety meds kept getting refilled... In retrospect, some of those side effects may have been some of the ADHD coming to the surface.

I like to think I am an organized person- I've been a manufacturing technician for almost 20 years. I am always aware of how long things take and what time it is, I am a planner, and a problem solver. My father is a very irresponsible and narcissistic person- so I have always strived to be a person of integrity (the opposite of him). If I say I'll do something, I do it. I know I could use a relationship therapist, but options are very limited in our rural area and I simply don't have time between work and home responsibilities. My last therapist, put all my issues and disappointments on my wife not addressing her ADHD. From this, my wife thinks that I view myself as perfect and without my own issues- which is not the case, but I address mine...

AITAH?