My husband's job for the past almost four years has been as caregiver for his elderly parents. It began as a four-days per week gig; now he's there full time. Since starting this arrangement, my husband has almost never called when he is at his parents. (I'd estimate that he has called fewer than 20 times in the four years.) HIs mom's health has been deteriorating quite a bit this winter. I encouraged my husband to get his mom to the doctor (she hadn't even been outside the house n 8 months) to find out what was wrong with her, including whether she'd be eligible for hospice care. Hospice care: people coming to the house! Husband and his dad getting some respite! I called H two weeks ago, just before the doctor's appointment. He told me it was good to talk with me and he'd call back the next night. Of course, he didn't. I was very curious about what was going on, and also concerned, because he didn't respond to an email I sent yesterday (and resent today) that said "Please acknowledge." I called him tonight. His mom is getting hospice services! Yay! H didn't thank me; he didn't ask about my life; he didn't ask about our daughters. He talked about himself and his life. I asked him if he would tell one of his brothers that I was the one who first suggested getting hospice care for their mom. I could tell that H's reaction was, "Um, why?" Well, the reason is that H previously managed to leave this brother with the impression that the only reason H doesn't spend any time at our home is because I've made him unwelcome (basically rewriting the history of our relationship). H still doesn't get why this bothers me and doesn't understand why I'd like him to rehabilitate my image with his brother. I feel as though I don't exist.
He's just not that into me
Submitted by PoisonIvy on 02/20/2015.
Expectations
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Rosered,
I have spent a lot of time reading. Books. This forum. Attention magazine. The CHADD website. TotallyADD website. Searching for understanding. For me. To understand what exactly it is that I am expecting. Is it too much?
Each person does things for a reason. I will use greeting cards as an example of what I do, what I did it , and why I did it, I love Christmas. The whole season. The celebration of the Birth of my Savior, and Santa, and celebrating, and presents, and family parties, and fun, and Christmas movies and TV specials - the whole ball of wax. I always used to send out Christmas cards. I spent a lot of time picking just the right card with just the right sentiment and just the cutest picture on the front. I hand addressed the cards. I sent them to my whole family - near and far - and all my special friends. Once a year to reconnect and say hello and I love you and I am thinking about you and letting them know they have a special place in my life. I never kept track of who sent me a card. For Liz, it was not a yearly exchange. It was all about sharing me and expressing my love. And then there were birthday cards. And when I started to have nieces and nephews, I sent them cards for every holiday that was imaginable - Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day, Easter, Halloween, Thanksgiving, It was just what brought me joy. When I got married, I wrapped my spouse's whole family into that - Christmas and birthdays and holidays for his nephews. I also added my spouse's name to this card giving. I never sent out another card just from me, they were all from US. Our first child was born on Mother's Day, so that year, I asked my spouse to make sure he got the Mother's Day card for his Mom. Several months later, I was at her house and saw the card on her piano. Signed from - only my spouse. It was a bit of a jolt. I had just assumed that since I became one with him, he would do the same. He really meant no disrespect by doing that - but it sure hurt me. My own expectations were not met. How could I get back to finding the joy I originally had in sending out cards? How could I choose to give that much power to a simple act that had no contempt attached to it? But I did. I wanted him to understand. And hear. And validate. And acknowledge. And I did not get that.
Relationships are tough whether one or both or neither spouse is ADHD. Men don't always understand women, and women don't always understand men. There are many books that can advise and help a couple understand each other.
For me, the issue came in when I needed acknowledgment and validation - to feel valued. Or to 'make' someone see that I was good and valuable. After a while it probably morphed into desperation. Can't you see how good I am? Can't you see how wise I am? Can't you see what good ideas I have? Can't you give me some credit for helping you? Can't you, can't you, can't you?
Rosered, I hear your desperation for validation. It probably mirrors my own. Why can't someone understand you suggested that hospice would be a life line? Can't someone acknowledge you really do have some good ideas and suggestions? Can't someone give you some value?
I have realized that the answer is not found in if they do or if they don't. It goes back to that getting blood from a turnip ideal. You cannot get blood from a turnip because they have no blood to give. If it is blood you are needing, you better go get some from something that has it to give. No matter how many tears you cry, or how much insisting you do - you cannot get that blood from something that does not have it to give.
What I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out is - Is it me? Is it ADHD? Is it my spouse?
In the end, I realize there is not one answer for all of us. Indeed, the similarities of some of our stories, the distinct personalities patterns that drew us to our spouses, and then grew 20-30 years into the relationships we now have, it cannot be dismissed as coincidence. A definite pattern.
But why has no one yet been able to untangle it. I read these relationship books, with step by step help guides. And get darn frustrated when I believe those steps will get 'us' to where 'I' had hoped we could get. And why do we not move forward? I can say it is him. He can say it is me. In the end, it does not matter - because this is where we are. And it is not OK. I want to live. Wake up, greet the day, fumble through the ups and downs, and at the end of the day, take the lessons and toss out the crap. And just enjoy.
That is what I want.
I do not want to just tolerate. Or learn to not care. Or ignore. Or be oblivious. Or patronize.
I want to learn to stop shooting myself in the foot.
Liz
.
I think in this case, I would
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I think in this case, I would be OK without the validation of the hospice services (and almost everything else for my mother-in-law) being my idea if not for the fact that H told his brother a lie about our relationship. Brother-in-law and sister-in-law were the only family members who ever had the time of day for me; father-in-law hates me, mother-in-law was OK with me, but she in in late-stage Alzheimer's. H claims to like me but is totally self-centered and also lies to people about me. Brother-in-law and sister-in-law think H is a saint.
Invisible = irrelevant
Submitted by Standing on
Rosered, i think that he has to maintain the delusion that you don't exist, because his entire persona is dependent on that lie. It truly is nothing personal.
my ex has done the same, as he re-writes reality into something more palatable for him.
i don't think that he decides not to call you, or not to mention your suggestion, or even to tell the lie that you rejected him. None of that may be a conscious choice on his part. It is simply what he needs to helieve in order to go on. His very existence is dependent on this fabrication and denial of responsibility. He has nothing else.
thankfully, you do. You have the truth. This makes you his enemy. Just my cent's worth.
If you have the time…..
Submitted by Tired-to-my-bones on
Hi Rosered - If you have the time, read some of my previous posts,(in particular, 'What is this thing called ADHD') which raise this issue. I resonate with your desire for acknowledgement and validation. Very recently my brother-in-law told me that he had fed back to my mother-in-law a comment I had made to my husband whilst I was in the depths of despair. ( that sounds awfully complicated - basically he told tales). He felt guilty. He wanted me to take away his feelings of guilt. I didn't. And I won't. Not because I am an evil, unforgiving harridan...... But because I need to build on the tiny baby steps that my husband has made in recognising what he has done to me. My husband has spent our married life creating a story which suits him, regardless of the evidence. He has made sure that he stands in a good light with his family, whilst denigrating me. I have been the person that his family have scapegoated so that they don't have to look too hard at their own failings. My husband, to give credit where it is due, has now spoken with his mother, explaining exactly how, when and where all the hurts and betrayals happened. This was an important thing for me. To hear that my husband had 'sat in the truth chair'. I needed that acknowledgement and validation, to enable my own healing with him. I don't want revenge. I don't need to be 'right'. I want justice.
And so I asked my brother-in-law (who is a decent man) to do something. I asked him to speak up for me whenever I was being put down. He recognises that the stories he hears from his family don't tally with the person he has known for over 30 years. And given that my husband has also spoken to him about the way he has treated me, he is now in a position where he is fully informed and can speak from authority.
The interesting thing in all this, is that I am not attached to the outcome. I do not expect my husband's family to become all understanding and supporting of what I have been through whilst they turned blind eyes. It is enough for me to know that they now know. And they can't unknow it.
What they do with this knowledge is not my problem.
Rosered, your need for validation is not unreasonable. I totally get it.