Submitted by SunBear on 09/05/2016.
I am a non ADHD spouse. My husband says he has probably had ADHD since childhood, but has never been diagnosed. He is trying to self-manage any less than desirable traits that he is aware of.
Brief background – he was married, divorced, remarried then widowed. I was widowed. We met and married in our mid 50’s. During courtship he was so very fun and treated me like a queen! After about a year he started losing the ability to filter some unnecessary hurtful commentary and there were some angry outbursts. We were already engaged to marry at that point, and by the time we were wed the honeymoon was already over. Now I am focused on avoiding criticism, and I wish I could stop taking the diminished attention personally. Intimacy is all but gone. There are now many topics that I consider to be off limits and I have become disconnected as a defense mechanism.
I’ve tried talking to him about our communication difficulties but I always manage to put him on the defensive. These conversations have not gone well for me and I end up very upset. I know I am not a naggy person and I give a lot of thought to how to be considerate and tactful, but now I’ve learned here that my words have surely had undertones – very good to know! Regardless I've never had anyone be so hurtful to me.
He has talked some about this but is not very receptive to seeking help so I want to be very careful in my approach. Now after reading on this site I don’t know what to think because he does not exhibit what seems to be the most common ADHD trait – an inability to follow through or contribute.
He is the polar opposite of those experiencing issues getting things done around the house. Many things have to be done as soon as they present themselves like laundry, reading and deleting emails (even going to the trash folder to delete permanently), and tossing things (that others want) into the trash. He is like the energizer bunny around the house and works harder than most who are decades his junior. But he does know how to relax too. He is usually early – I don’t think he’s ever been late for anything. So there is no issue with him pulling his weight around the house and then some. I on the other hand now do many things I never had just to avoid any negative comments.
When I read about the hyper focused courtship I cried a little. That is us for sure. I know he loves me very very much and it would matter to him to know that I am no longer especially happy, but at the same time I don’t think he can fathom anything he might do to change this. We were lucky to find each other late in life and I don't want to waste precious time before we begin to figure this out.
So should we be looking into something other than ADHD with the hyperactivity and over achieving? I’d appreciate any thoughts as I may only have one chance to inspire him to seek help and want to have the best chance of getting to the right professional.
can both you and he "be yourselves" around each other?
Submitted by dancermom on
If you read Melissa's book - her husband had routines and habits he needed to do to keep on top of things. This actually caused stress for them when Melissa didn't understand how important that was for her husband. My husband is terrible at follow through, but for the things he does do well, "do it now" is absolutely his motto. He gets a bit frantic about it - "if I don't do it now, I'll forget."
I don't know whether he has ADHD or not - but the lack of filtering at home sounds like my husband (who is pretty functional at work, but he uses it all up). My husband's statements early on (hmm, I didn't know just how exactly important this was) was that he wanted to be able to "be himself" at home. Don't we all? Problem is, I do, too! Once the hyperfocus wore off and he stopped being so careful, that's when we had an opportunity to find out what life would really be like, together. Mine has been very slow to admit there could be a problem. but your's seems to readily admit the possibility.
You said, "Now I am focused on avoiding criticism, and I wish I could stop taking the diminished attention personally. Intimacy is all but gone. There are now many topics that I consider to be off limits and I have become disconnected as a defense mechanism. "
I wonder if you and he could do Melissa's course together, since he is the one claiming he has had ADHD since childhood? To make your lives work well together, you would both have to be willing to see certain dynamics as an "us" thing and then both be able to make some effort to undo them.
I'm not myself anymore
Submitted by SunBear on
Thank you for your thoughtful comments. I know that I am not the person I was in our early times together, and that must not be very good for him either. I tend to do whatever it takes to avoid any conflict or criticism so I have become rather subdued and don't feel free to be myself. I have learned so much already from this site and Melissa's book. I have been very confused and unable to have a productive conversation about our relationship, and I know now that my approach and responses have been a big part of the problem - very empowering! I also know that he is probably doing the best he can and we just need to learn to open up and communicate and gain a better understanding of one another. I would like to take the course but will first need to figure out how to approach him with all of this. I don't want to hit him with a lot of material and a class we need to take because he will surely see that as me trying again to fix everything because I know what's best. Need to figure out how to convince him that this is as much for me to learn how to be a better partner to him as it is to better understand ADHD if that is what he is dealing with. Thank you again.