I want to keep this short, though I do have a lot to say, not sure if everything or anything is going to make sense as I put it all out here...I'm hurting and I'm so very angry - destroyed - desperate - I don't know how to start this or where to turn, who to talk to... it's been a year and a half. We're engaged as of April (though I am constantly questioning why we made this decision - I love him, I'm just not sure it's enough to keep us together anymore) -I'm unraveling, fast now. I can't handle the ordeals anymore we were happy, once. I was always a quiet well put together person, everything going great and the typical good girl scenario, then I met the guy I am engaged to today.
It seems so much longer than a year and a half that we've known one another because of everything - the struggles - the fights - feeling like a 'parent' rather than a 'partner'....I'm still not sure if I've ever really known what it feels like to be his girlfriend over feeling like a parent before I was ready to take on the things that I did not know I was signing up for when I initially met him.
I just turned 27 in June, he's 30... we're a mess, we have been for most of the time we've known each other aside from the first 3 months after our meeting. After the first three months it all went down hill so fast. I don't know what else to do at this stage, I found myself almost looking for easy options out of this in terms of anything.
I love him, my heart and body know it, my mind thinks I'm nuts for continuing to tolerate things the way they are - I hate the ADD. I can't differentiate anymore what are truly the 'ADD' characteristics and what are his true personality characteristics or how to see the differences when they happen.
I ask myself every morning why I am still here, I love him but I can't do this anymore and I can't make a final decision either way. Counseling is expensive, we're young and broke but the non the less I feel with the right help we still have what it takes to make it. Be happier and get back what we lost after our first three months....
I'm so lost, just hurting so much lately...
New and exhausted too...
Submitted by chicago on
I just recently figured out my husband has ADD. The last 10 years have been exhausting. I adore so much about him, but if I were to turn back the clock, I can't say I would have married him after what I've been through. I thought I was married to an alcoholic. Since he was sober for a couple of years, I was over the moon and thought the trouble was over. But there was just this nagging feeling that things weren't right...the lack of empathy, the spending problems, the utter lack of interest in my life, my dreams...
My only advice to you is this - don't even think about going through with the wedding until your relationship has settled into something you want to live with for the rest of your life. I'm assuming you don't have kids yet...wait until you add that into the mix and see where the ADHD symptoms land you....basically you could end up being a single parent, or worse because you bring up the kids on your own while managing the irrational outbursts, arguing etc. that go along with the ADHD.
I've spent half this week crying wondering how the hell this is going to play out. Fortunately my husband is keen to get treated, so we have to hope that things improve and I have a relationship again that will fulfill my basic emotional needs. Sorry you're feeling so lost right now and I know this isn't the cheeriest of advice, but honestly, you're in the *fortunate* position of trying to deal with this early in your relationship, not decades later. Your eyes are open and you won't spend years of your life trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with your husband...you already know. Just use that information wisely.
Thank you for your advice. I
Submitted by hollyamy27 on
Thank you for your advice. I totally understand how I would be in the fortunate end right now and I do not plan to go through any wedding planning until lots of things change for the best and they stay that way for a confirmed long period of time.
Just finding you today helps me understand that I'm not crazy in thinking my future could fall apart if we did get married - we have too many unresolved problems to marry happily right now. If that is the foundation of where we start then it will be even that much harder to fix anything.
Needs advice
Submitted by christine39 on
Myself and my boyfriend have been together for about a year now. He has not been officially diagnosed with ADHD, however all the tell tale signs are there. Most of the time i just need to "remind" him to do things around the house or that we need to be somewhere at a specific time, however it seems like i constantly have to "remind" him. I feel like i am nagging at him all the time and it makes me feel horrible inside. I love him and i want to understand and support him, it is just really really frustrating some days.
He can focus on things he enjoys to do and will spend the entire day working on projects he enjoys, but he will leave household obligations or things he does not like to the very very last minute or won't do them at all and I am left to pick up the pieces.
Am i doing the right thing by constantly reminding him? Is there anything else i can do to make things easier for the both of us?
I truly love him and will not give up on him:) Any advise anyone can provide would be greatly appreciated:)
Hello! Glad you wrote here,
Submitted by hollyamy27 on
Hello!
Glad you wrote here, aside from my first post above when I first joined a few days ago, there are a lot of things that do go well too - its just hard for me to see sometimes when so many things seem to not go well and I begin to feel lost and like any efforts I have put forth do not make a difference. Reminders are an everyday thing with us, for just about everything. So first you're not alone in this aspect and second I can tell you some things I've done to help us.
I think the first thing for me was accepting that the 'reminders' are going to be a regular part of our life if I planned to stay with my boyfriend, in fact I think a lot of this learning process of ADD/ADHD has helped me to realize that acceptance of certain things is the only way to understand the problems better.
The other part of it was reading the articles anywhere I could find them and joining a group called CHADD: http://www.chadd.org/ they have lots of useful advice on their site and they meet once or twice a month in certain area for support groups. When you join you get access to print out a free medication CHADD Discount Prescription Card that applies discounts to all kinds of prescriptions and it has dropped his adderal cost in half.
CHADD offers an online community to talk to others and a book that you can buy online too, very easy read and opened up so many doors to questions and frustrations and confusion that were standing between me and my loved one. I think it is called ADD & Me, this book was my very first step in understanding more of what is going on with the one I love since he himself was not able to fully convey what was going on with him in the way he wanted it to be understood by others or by me in this case. The book put into words what I had been saying for months how I felt though I did not think anyone understood this. When I read the book it was like they were watching from afar when they wrote it. It seriously helped me understand so much more of what was happening with my boyfriend. I read him things from it and we began to communicate better about the topic and started to understand more of each other.
The book has work pages in them with questions and answers and pages upon pages of tips and lists of how to overcome some of the struggle and it suggested daily routines and things you can do to avoid having to feel like a 'parent' rather than a 'partner'.
Also visit The National Resource Center for AD|HD: http://www.help4adhd.org/ I really hope these things help you understand you are nagging though feel you are, your doing your part to live your life effectively too. If he is not getting aggravated with the reminders then all the better, if he is aggravated with constant reminders then perhaps writing things down on a post it and putting the note in places he will see is less personal but still works.
The best thing you can do is research, reading, workshops, support groups and dr's visits to see if medications will help him at all. A combination of things is more effective than just one and the books help more than anything else I have tried because they open your thoughts to insights that you may not have thought to try before. There were certainly things I came across where I found myself saying "why haven't I thought about that?"...really helpful stuff out there, it just takes some persistent research to find it all. Get the book advertised on this site being published in September.
~Best~
What is the Book's Title?
Submitted by Hoping4More on
I was just on the CHADD website and I can not find the book you refer to. There is no title ADD amd Me. Do you recall what the title is? I am definitely looking for tips on how to be more of a partner and less of a parent.
Hi! I'm SOOO glad to hear
Submitted by hollyamy27 on
Hi!
I'm SOOO glad to hear you visited the CHADD site - it's a wonderful organization and opened up so many doors to new resources for us! I did find the book that I have, you can get it by contacting CHADD directly which I did not realize when I initially sent my response to you - so my apologies for that :) my head is so often buried int he book so I never see the title...The actual title is "ADD & ADULTS" Strategies for Success from CHADD"
I'm not sure if the 'parenting' feeling will ever stop for me w/ mine but my fiance sure does not like knowing that I feel more like a parent than a partner and it has helped him to push forward with more perseverance so I can have a chance at feeling like his partner sometimes too - he knows he is not all that easy to work with but I'm sure he feels the same about me as he feels I parent him a lot - but he knows he needs it too - so it's a never ending circle and a clear understanding we both have with one another I suppose...lolol :)
If you can not find it anywhere email me <deleted by admin> and I can help you. Mine has a form in the back to request.
~Best~
NEWLY MARRIED IN ADD
Submitted by careol on
I am not sure where to begin, I love my husband so much and we have only been married 8 months. I had no idea about any of this when we started dating,i guess he was staying on the meds at the time.I cannot believe the pain i am feeling,and it seems as if he doesn't care. He says his mind is a train wreck right now and many things are bouncing around in there. I have been thrown into a deep depression and am trying to not be clingy,but i feel so unloved right now. I want to stay with him,no question,and do what ever it takes to help US. How do I begin,to be me again to not feel its all my fault?
Hyperfocus
Submitted by wagnerism on
As you can read in other posts here, there is a "hyper-focus" period.
Your success depends on both of you working on it. He has to keep up on his treatment to include both individual and couples' counseling. It may have to get worse before it gets better. I'm struggling with it myself right now.
Good luck!
Hello! I agree with
Submitted by hollyamy27 on
Hello!
I agree with wagnerism. First and foremost it takes 'two' in any relationship to help it flourish, if there are other obstacles in the way as you grow into the relationship together - it still remains that takes 'two' to level through things with support from one another to make it work. Perhaps joining a support group or starting one in your area. CHADD offers free support group meet ups in various locations.
Hopefully your loved one will realize that an important part of making your relationship work is keeping consistent to the treatment that has been offered to him. From my personal experience the meds are not and never were the only thing helping my fiance, I believe the 'will' & 'want' to change has to be there before the meds ever entered the picture or else I don't think he would have come as far along as he has - meds can only do so much. The meds helped him to 'focus' better at work and helped him stay on task with organization and time skills a little more than he might w/o the meds and it helped speed up his thinking so he got 'stuck' a lot less often, like less mind blank outs so to speak.
However, I can't say that meds would have been the sole reason of what 'willed' him to work through his difficulties. I believe people (AD/HD or not) who have the capacity & thinking path and the 'will' & 'want' to change things one way or the other will do so on their own. This caught my attention: "He says his mind is a train wreck right now and many things are bouncing around in there." if you have a good communication relationship with him have you asked him in regards to the 'train wreck' how so? Or asked him exactly what all these things are that are bouncing around his thoughts so you have a better idea of where he is at or how you might be able to help with anything? Maybe suggesting to him writing down all of what is in his head so just he gets a better perspective on what is what...sometimes when we see things on paper it helps us see things in a different light and sort of eases what is bouncing around in our thoughts.
~Best~