Hi all. I have been with my adhd partner for 10 years, we have two small kids. Throughout our relationship I have dealt with emotional and verbal abuse from him. A couple years ago I left him because of this, but we ended up getting back together after about 6 or 7 months. He is no longer abusive like he used to be, but he also hasn't made any progress in his sensitivity towards me. I have given him everything he has, supported him through all the times he didnt feel like working (which has been most of the relationship up until a few years ago), I have always picked up the slack, I have basically been a mommy to him and not a 50/50 partner. When we got bak together he finally agreed to medication for his adhd. It does help but I still dont think he is managing his condition well at all.
So my biggest thing right now is how he is not there for me when I need him to support me emotionally. I have my own problems but when I try to talk to him about what Im feeling, what Im going through, he acts like I just need to buck up and get over it. There is never any validation. He actually gets mad at me and starts fights with me if I dare to address any of my personal issues. For example, I have been very sad this week as my cat has to be put down, and Im crying a lot, and he acts like Im personally attacking him or something, he just says I shouldnt be so upset and I dont have a right to be upset. blah blah blah. Being so insensitive and rude. It breaks my heart..... Its like Im not allowed to feel what Im feeling around him.
I need some advice, please help :)
Also new to the forum.
Submitted by KYLEEJO25 on
Hi, I'm new as well. It sounds like you are going through some of the very same things as me. I posted a comment recently, but haven't gotten any responses. Just kinda need someone to help me make sense of what I'm going through. My partner is very verbally abusive as well. I'm glad that things have gotten better for you in that regard. I totally understand how it feels to not have your partner be sensitive to your needs and emotions. Its as if they have so many of their own issues they have created for themselves, that our problems don't really matter. I have that happen to me a lot. It feels like you are so alone. Its hard to feel like you have a partner when you can't lean on them. I also feel like I am taking care of another child with my partner. Its very exhausting. You have every right to feel the way you do. The sad thing is, I don't know that it will get better, at least I haven't seen it. Its as if you have to lean on other people when you should be able to count on him to provide support. I'm here, and you aren't alone. Hoping you are having a happy day today!
HI Kristie,
Submitted by missworld on
HI Kristie,
Thank you so much for your kind words. I really appreciate it. I am sorry to hear that you are experiencing the same issues. In some ways I think it makes us stronger, more self reliant, etc, which is good. But on the other hand we still crave that sensitivity from our partner.
Is your partner taking medication? Do you find that it helps at all? Mine refused to even acknowledge his problem until a few years ago. I think the meds help somewhat but of course it is not a cure.
Thanks again for your kindness. I hope you are doing well today :)
missworld and kylee...you're not alone
Submitted by dedelight4 on
I'm sorry there haven't been any responses yet, but I'm sure there will be. And, I'm also sorry you guys are also going through what so MANY of us have ALSO been living, which is..........having a disconnected ADHD spouse. The ADHD spouses who work on their condition, take their meds and work a behavioral program seem to do VERY well, like Melissa's husband, and a few others here. But, for those of us whose spouses didn't work on their ADHD, it's taken a HEAVY toll on us.
I've been married 31 years to an ADHD husband, and it's only been the past few months that he's taken an ACTIVE roll in working to control his ADHD symptoms. It's made a difference already in how our family is responding to him, but it's been a LONG TIME coming. I had gotten to the point of where I totally gave up, because I couldn't take it any more. I had tried for years and years to communicate with him, and try to build a relationship/partnership with him, but the ADHD symptoms ALWAYS got in the way. I too didn't get any emotional support, and felt very alone for most all our marriage. It didn't matter HOW I talked to him, or how I explained things, or even if I behaved in ways that I thought he might "learn" from. (you know.....treat others like YOU want to be treated?....the golden rule?) He didn't NOTICE THAT because most with ADHD don't respond to social cues.
The ADHD affected every area of our lives...... such as chores around the house (I did most of them, but I can't anymore because of a serious pain condition).......conversations - (he talked, I listened and didn't GET to talk)....(sex became non-existent)....money is always tight....relationships with friends are almost non-existent other than an occasional phone call (on his timetable). I also had to cancel many dinner parties (at the last minute)......he didn't "hear" things I would say - then deny saying hurtful things himself....... I could write an entire page of these interactions. I can honestly say my husband really IS trying right now, but after 3 decades of untreated ADHD behavior, it's a little hard to understand just where this new found "insight" is coming from. (and yet I don't want to discourage him at the same time....SEE....IT'S FRUSTRATING TO KNOW JUST WHAT TO DO) That's why I keep reading here, and getting insight from others who are living the same thing.
If you guys read many of the earlier posts from people, I'm SURE you will find a LOT of the same situations in their lives that you see in your own. I wish you both well, and hope you keep posting here. Don't get discouraged, people WILL respond. We all just get a little tired, and some of us are TIRED AS HECK, and are trying to find new strength and meaning in our lives. Hugs to you.
dedelight4, thank you so much
Submitted by missworld on
dedelight4, thank you so much for your reply. You must be a very strong person to deal with an adhd spouse for 30 years. Was there ever a time when you said "im done"! And left him for a time? Personally, I found when I moved out of our apartment with our baby, thats when he really smartened up. He was all on his own, and he had put in work to get us back together. That said, its not like we dont have crazy issues still, but it was a shock of his life to have us walk out on him. He realized that there are consequences to his actions.
I hate this disorder/disease sooo much. I LOVE my hubby, but at the same time I almost hate him for all the things he has put me through. So frustrating.
Hugs to you too :) Thank you for your reply.