Hi everyone, I found this site looking at help with ADHD relationships I have my boyfriend who was diagnosed with ADHD years ago and isn't on any medication. At the start of our relationship it was wonderful he couldn't leave me alone his hyperfocus was me (as I'm sure so many of you have had the same situation) as time has gone on his focus is more on his PC and gaming which is a big passion and YouTube lets plays are a have to do which I completely accept, as it's always been "him". I have researched his condition because I know what can feel like him not caring, saying things that can hurt, not listening etc etc are part of the disorder and I'm very strong willed and love him to death so understanding the condition has helped me get to know how his brain functions. However it's still very difficult not to feel thrown aside and not important anymore, he never asks me to out for a meal or to go out anywhere but does meet his friends a lot more and does things with them, he comes over once a week and stays a night or two and we have a great time and couldn't be happier his energy is wonderful and I feed of that as soon as I'm with him and we work as a team very well. From what I've read and experienced relationships with ADHD are even more difficult and both people need to work at it, the big problem I have major depression to deal with and possibly I'm type two bipolar recently I've suffered a major relapse I'm extremely depressed and had to go on medication and I'm holding on with everything I'm working full time and life at home is difficult so I need a lot of support..... Sometimes I can say how bad I feel and it's like I haven't even said it, he'll go on to whatever has his attention. Like I said I have done a lot of research having my condition has helped me to understand and research all I can, so when he does ignore me etc I don't react with anger or upset I simply let it go but some help on how to approach sensitive subjects like both needing each others support in different ways etc. just some general support would be nice he's barely spoken to me for days only a few texts mainly about what he's doing and I've had a big panic attack tonight to top how I feel. Thanks everyone
Hi new here and just looking for advice and support
Submitted by Sookie on 09/19/2014.
Hello, Sookie
Submitted by Standing on
Do you have a counselor with whom you can meet regularly to work through your feelings?
That is what most has helped me to sort through so many conflicting emotions within myself.
You mention that you may have bipolar and that is possible, of course; but please know that living with add and trying to live in the midst of such distraction and self-absorption can create what appear to be drastic mood swings and depression. When my husband was at his worst, I truly felt that I was falling apart, disintegrating.
I reached out in desperation to a Christian counselor, because I did not want some secular advisor telling me that the only hope for me was to divorce him. What I have learned is that I may well need to legally separate from him if he does not choose to work on his issues and to take proper medication. He is better behaved, for now. But what has most helped me through this counseling is being told that I am not damaged goods. My counselor repeated that often and so I share it with you. You are not damaged goods, Sookie. You are worthy of mature, healthy relationship within stable relationships. I am seeking such connections through contacts apart from my husband, like at church. Next I want to engage in some volunteer work with others who have similar interests, to broaden the scope of my relationships. I understand now that I will never receive from my husband the fullness of connection that I need.
My feeling about what happens when I have been most in need of my husband's support is this: He is overwhelmed and unable to meet me in my need because he so relies on me, Whenever I have shared with him that I have serious troubles, he gets much worse. It is as though I am both the bedrock and also the glue holding his existence together. At first, he will tune out even more than usual, thoroughly distracted. Then, if I do not recover quickly enough from my own setback, he will get mean and nasty. The only way for me to maintain stability within my own life is through outside relationships that can fill the gaps, so that I'm equipped to really take good care of myself and not need him too much. Maybe it is the same for you? Take good care.
Thanks for the reply :)
Submitted by Sookie on
Hey :) firstly thank you for replying I was diagnosed 4 years before we met so I am coping with that as best I can, we don't live together yet due to work commitments and we've only been together 8 months. We both know it's going to be difficult and we have to learn how to communicate with each other, like I said I've researched the disorder and I have the "natural ability" to over look what he does but how can I tell him sometime I need to be looked after just as much as he does.
He listens to me when I'm with him in person and I make sure he isn't on his phone or Xbox etc as I know that will have his attention, he doesn't reply much and he'll go very quickly on to what he's thinking so I'm trying to find a way to express my feelings/thoughts on how we can improve and right back at him. I want us to learn this now so we don't get to the stage of hate etc I know it's going to be a big long road.
I'm very sorry to hear what your husband does it must so hard for you and I do understand how it feels when you hold them together but you feel like nothing comes back when you need it.
The one thing that gets me is when I need support he doesn't see it, when he's away from me his attention is on whatever he's doing at the time I don't expect him to have me at the centre on his attention but when I text him in need of comfort I rarely get it and feel unloved and on my own but I know that that's apart of the disorder.