I'm trying to find out if this is a trait of my husband's personality, or a feature of ADHD, so I wanted to know if anyone else ahs experienced this from their spouse?
When my husband gets stressed, or upset, or anxious, he is irritable and snippy whenever he's around us, which isn't much, because he runs away. He hides from whatever is bothering him. He won't talk to me about it, just loses himself in his game. If the stress is job-related, he will burn through all of his vacation time to run away from it, or spend large parts of his day out in the smoking area with his iPhone to avoid it. At home, he'll retreat to the bathroom while the kids are awake, and after they're asleep he'll get on his computer and put his headphones on, and just won't talk about anything. He's defensive, angry, snippy, and just generally unpleasant to be around.
I want to help him, to be a sounding board or someone that can help him find solutions; that's what you do with someone you care about, right? But he just won't let me in. He's done this for the 7 years we've been together. We lived together for a year prior to getting married, and it was one of the most miserable years of my life. I was depressed over our living situation (long story, but basically forced on us by our jobs), and he was too. He retreated into his games, leaving me out in the cold, which furthered my depression; his ignoring me, and being "unable" to help me, furthered his depression and forced him deeper into his games, further from me. Finally I gave him an ultimatum, which I normally don't, but it had to be done: either come up for air and talk to me, include me in your life, or I have to move on. It wasn't an idle threat; despite the pain it would cause me, I was willing to follow through with it.
But I can't do that anymore, and I don't want to keep issuing ultimatums; I want to figure out how to help him understand that I'm here for him, I'm not attacking him, and his retreating from the world drives a wedge between us; with a child with ADHD and another child going through the "terrible twos", with no support nearby, he and I have to be a team; we're all we have. Any suggestions? Thanks!
retreating
Submitted by Steph on
You wrote: We lived together for a year prior to getting married, and it was one of the most miserable years of my life.
So why did you marry him after that?
Because I knew that despite
Submitted by tazangel36 on
Because I knew that despite everything, we loved each other, and some part of me knew that "he was the one". Sounds a bit naive, I know. But no matter the hardships, I've never regretted that decision. Most of the misery that year was due to our depression and living conditions, a situation we really couldn't get out of. He exhibited behaviors that I didn't know were a result of ADHD (I had no idea what it was, or encompassed), that affected my life, but he was kind, funny, understanding, and started drawing me out of my carefully-crafted prison, started teaching me to live my own life again, to really live, not to slowly die without any real connections. He helped me find me again. I guess that's why. The ADHD, while it does affect our lives negatively at times, also makes him a tremendous person, someone you really want on your side. Believe it or not, I'm grateful every day for him, and the positive changes he's made in me.
I just don't know how to help him when he runs away.
re: retreating
Submitted by Steph on
Then I would INSIST that he goes to counseling.
Best of luck to you.
Codependency
Submitted by ccompton on
All that you can really do is tell him that you want to help him to deal with stress, etc. You cannot make him want your help. I have done and wanted to do things like this over and over. It is so frustrating but..... Look into codependency. I think it will help you.
My husband is an avoider
Submitted by Aspen on
but I don't know that it could be called hiding and is definitely less extreme than your husband's reaction. He is almost always willing to talk about what is going on, but at times he acts paralyzed to make a decision with the fear the one he makes might be wrong. Is your husband medicated and/or getting counselling for his AD/HD in general? Cause he definitely sounds like he needs to learn some coping skills for when life feels overwhelming.
Our experience is that when our lives follow our basic schedule, things bop along pretty well. Throw a wrench into the plan and he starts to fall apart depending on the issue. Over the last 6 months we have had vehicle troubles (engine blew up on work truck) and equipment issues (3 days and counting he has spent trying to fashion repairs that are still incomplete--he estimated this time as one afternoon). With the work he has done over the last year especially, he almost always jumps in to try and tackle the issue, but if he comes up against any type of wall (for example the truck issue went at least a month replacing various parts to fix one issue only to have the blow up occur--unrelated strangely enough--just after that) he falls apart and starts wanting to play computer games during the only time he would have to work on the issue. I think that is definitely a form of avoidance/escape rather than taking his mind off the issue to come up with a solution (which I know males in general tend to do) for two reasons. 1. If left alone, I am not sure at what point he would come back to the real life and start handling things, but I know I've never had the patience to wait him out. And I have tried! and 2. He doesn't seem to emerge with a plan, so I assume he is mostly avoiding.
I think it goes without saying that during these times all his family responsibilities pour through the cracks, but he keeps up with his work, and with his outisde responsibilities for the most part so I take what I can get. He is working with his coach now on identifying when he is going off the rails and to correct it himself rather than having to have me get him back on track. She says it is about identifying triggers and journalling about how he feels as he goes into avoidance mode and how he feels while he is there. She is trying to identify patterns, but we are still too new to the process to see how this part is going to go....he's been with this coach only about 2 months.
The main thing that seems to help my husband during these times is the satisfaction he gets when he pushes through and gets the job accomplished. I often have to remind him of this or even just the fact that neither of us can take this issue hanging over our heads any longer, to get him motivated to push through, but he is extremely proud of himself for doing so and I really can see that it helps with his resistance next time. Though he's learned that he can't, and for the most part doesn't anymore, his default desire is still to want to bury his head in the sand and avoid a big issue. I can handle that because I feel the same way at times, and he has to help get me motivated for some things I need to do :)
It sounds as though this
Submitted by tazangel36 on
It sounds as though this might be behavior related to the ADHD? Possibly as a result of being badgered for shortcomings most of their lives?
I talked to my husband last night, and said as compassionately as I could that he was hiding again. He started to reply, then thought about it, and agreed with me. I asked him why he always wanted to run away from even me when things get stressful for him; that as a wife, my job is to help him, provide a safe place for him to vent or receive compassion and support. You would think after all these years he'd start to believe me :-) Maybe one day he will.
Perhaps it is not as you think
Submitted by Rosem1111 on
What I hear from your post is that you want your husband to change in some ways and that you have some explanations as to why he is not doing what you want him to. Your explanations may not be the truth.
It struck me that, from your husband's perspective, he may be doing what he wants to. Perhaps he is even being very tolerant of your attempts to change him.
Could you consider letting go of some of your expectations of him?
retreating
Submitted by sandune on
Lots of similarities........I noticed a comment re u lived together a year and then married and a response why did you get married. I am in the same situation. Had not heard of adhd until recently. I fell in love during the hyperfocus time which ended 6 months after we were married. I spent the next 4 years trying to understand what was going on. I woke up one day and she was gone emotionally, like living with a complete stranger. She bounces in and out of mania and depression. Just as I get used to one, she is in another. The hyper / restless times which are 80% of the time, she is able to outrun the depression. This 24/7 running is her retreating. She never stops or sleeps or is able to carry on any meaningful conversation with me. Our conversations are limited to who did you see today, how are their children, etc. day in and day out. Here I am yearning to connect, to love, talk about hopes, dreams, our future and those subjects do not exist with adhd.
3 counselors and marriage fitness later we are absolutely no where. She did agree to go to her psychiatrist with me specifically to discuss adhd. Not sure where that will go without her co operation to take responsibilty. I have stepped up to the plate and now understand why we are so stuck, confrontational, etc. She is so irritable and impatient and any question other than the weather brings on arguement and frankly I don't want to be around her. I did move out 6 months ago to save myself and it was the best thing I could have done. I have no regrets and am there 100 % for my adhd spouse.............at this time I have absolutely no relationship with her and continue to hang in there however I am so exhausted and we may have to divorce. I am 59 and can not spend the rest of my life like this when there is so much to be thankful for and enjoy.
not discussion so limited partShe runs to from mania to depression