I'm new here, been reading for a long time but this is my first time posting. I'm in a similar situation as most of the other stories I've read. My husband of 18 years has been on medication for ADD for 5 years and has recently been diagnosed with Depression. Although he does take his medication he's been in denial about both and prefers to blame every problem in his life/our life together on me or take it out on me, it depends on the day. I know this is a sympton of what he has going on but it's gotten worse since the Depression diagnosis and it's taking a bigger toll than usual on me lately. Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind. My doctor has put me on anxiety medication to try helping with the stress. I feel like I'm constantly walking on egg shells to keep from setting him off and it doesn't take much. Just a few days ago he exploded because he said I gave him a dirty look while I was drying my hair. I don't even recall looking in his direction and certainly didn't have any negative feelings at the moment. It started with a verbal assault for giving him a dirty look then a refusal to admit he was mistaken about what he saw and a huge ordeal trying to get me to say I was lying and just didn't want to admit giving him a dirty look or apologize for it. This went on for hours! My attempts to walk away were met with him following me and insisting I apoligize and smart a@@ comments to push every button I have (he does that one often). He acted like a complete child then just decided he was done. He apologized, said he was mistaken, he felt bad for how far it had gone, ect. ect. ect. It's a pattern and the fight was back on for several more hours when I tried having a conversation with him about what had just happened and why it had happened. This kind of thing is happening every few days right now and I don't know if I can keep doing it. I suspect part of it is adding the Depression medication and still working out the correct dosage but even before the diagnosis I have noticed with age this is all getting worse.
I recently tried reaching out to his mother and that was a complete waste of time that I suspect may come back to bite me in the rear. They already have a rocky relationship which I have been dragged in the middle of and blamed for. To make a long story short, he blames everything on me even when he is completely delusional or has to invent/lie to do so and he's gotten his mother and sister on the phone doing that too many times. He will admit to me, counselors, and has even told them that he has made things up and told them lies about me when he is mad at me because he wanted to punish me and wanted them to punish me as well. They refuse to believe what he has said are lies and continue carrying out his punishment so we have very little contact with them at this point. We did briefly see them recently and I asked his mom if he has ever told her that he has ADD and she said him, noooooo! HE DOES NOT HAVE THAT! I said yes and he has recently been diagnosed with Depression as well to which she rolled her eyes and said because of the ADD medication. Then she told me how horrible that medicine is and he doesn't need to be taking it. She enables him and makes excuses for his behavior, she always has from what I can tell and I am worried that telling her is going to backfire on me and she will now start calling more and attempt talking him into no longer taking his medication.
I'm at a loss right now. We are seeing his therapist later this afternoon. He's seen 3 other counselors in the past and they didn't even touch on his problems. He did the same thing with them that he has done with his mother and sister, blamed every problem in his life on me, he can be pretty manipulative when he wants to. He says all they ever talked about was our marriage and his problems with his mother and his problem with expecting me to mother him. He certainly projects her onto me an awful lot! According to him he completed his sessions with first two and they saw no problems he needs to work on. I don't think that's true. The 3rd counselor I was more involved in. He wasn't as easily manipulated so he quit seeing him. I thought I was doing the right thing letting him take control of his counseling but I've seen that I can't trust him to do it so this time he is seeing a psychiatrist who can also regulate his medication and I am insisting that I go to all of his appointments with him. It amazes me that he will walk in and say everything's been fine and going great and he can see improvements with his medication when the truth is we've been fighting like crazy and things are getting worse.
Are you married to my H's twin?
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
For the longest time, my H refused to admit that he had depression or anxiety. I believe that both nearly always go hand in hand with ADHD. I've never met anyone who doesn't have all 3.
However, what you've described below, is more than those 3 issues. The "assuming" that you were making a face at him, just out of nowhere, is a red flag. It's a symptom of Splitting...which is typically found in people who either have Narcissistic PD, or Borderline PD. He paints you "Black" in that moment, without even processing in his head: "hmm, she's just blow-drying her hair. It's not very likely that any face she's making is directed at me," No....a person with NPD or BPD doesn't process that way.
Another example: Let's say that you have no history of having affairs, or flirting with other men, or doing ANYTHING that would suggest that you would be unfaithful to your H. You're coming home from the grocery store and there is a huge accident and it causes you to be 30 minutes late getting home. You get home and your H is furious and insisting that you're late because you had an affair. He calls you a liar when you mention the accident. He just keeps calling you w#ore and s!lut and anything else he can throw out. He's painted you Black without considering that having an affair is totally out of your character. You are just lumped in with all the other cheaters who routinely act suspiciously. Not once during the time you were late did your H consider that there probably is a legitimate reason for you being late. NO. He just painted you Black and ran with that.
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Just a few days ago he exploded because he said I gave him a dirty look while I was drying my hair. I don't even recall looking in his direction and certainly didn't have any negative feelings at the moment. It started with a verbal assault for giving him a dirty look then a refusal to admit he was mistaken about what he saw and a huge ordeal trying to get me to say I was lying and just didn't want to admit giving him a dirty look or apologize for it. This went on for hours!
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Been there, so many, many times. Crazy, right? Likely you were making faces while blow-drying your hair. Women do that. The "faces" aren't directed at anyone, they're just the result of turning your head with the blow dryer. Women also make faces when applying make-up.
It is so hard when you defend yourself and you're told that you are "lying". And, when it's something that you can't ""prove", it becomes more upsetting.
H always resorts to that accusation, yet no one can EVER accuse HIM of lying. He will go ballistic if anyone suggests THAT.
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My attempts to walk away were met with him following me and insisting I apologize and smart a@@ comments to push every button I have (he does that one often).
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Yes. However, over the years, I've learned to keep my cell phone, purse, keys near me at all times and I just leave the house. I announce that I will not be answering any phone calls. If he wants to text an apology, then fine, but I won't answer texts that just further the abuse.
Those ugly words that he throws at you are his weapons. His "core" is deeply hurt (all brought on by himself), so in his crazy head, he's justified to hurt you any way he can.
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He acted like a complete child then just decided he was done. He apologized, said he was mistaken, he felt bad for how far it had gone, ect. ect. ect. It's a pattern and the fight was back on for several more hours when I tried having a conversation with him about what had just happened and why it had happened.
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Rarely can H and I talk about what he's done right after he's apologized. Usually, any effort to talk about it just brings back the argument. Usually, if anything is discussed, it has to be 2 or more days later.
Thank you!
Submitted by chenderson on
I can't put into words how refreshing it is to know someone else understands!
NPD is on the radar. The official diagnosis is that he meets more of the criteria than the average person but he didn't meet enough to satisfy his therapist for a clinical diagnosis. She hasn't come right out and said it but based on things she has said and the direction she went when we discussed the hair drying incident today, she seems to think that part of his behavior stems from extreme criticism as a child. I'm on the fence about that one. What she said makes sense but when I tried talking to his mother she was in complete denial and went so far as to roll her eyes and be dismissive about it. I do know what I have seen during our marriage is when he doesn't do what his mother wants she ignores him until she gets her way. I know that has been very hurtful to him and until we decided to limit contact he would bend over backwards to prevent any situation where she might do that to him. I guess that could be considered a passive aggressive form of criticism and that would make more sense to me.
Hi Chenderson
Submitted by c ur self on
The one thing I notice in your post, that I notice in so many, and is my reality also....Is this comment:
(I tried having a conversation with him about what had just happened and why it had happened.) At the end of each negative action you encountered with him and others...You wanted to fix their view's, you wanted to bring understanding to why the chaos happened. I lived through one fight or argument right after next for years doing what you are doing...Just trying to come to an understanding and get closure...But, if we analysis what it will take to bring this understanding that you or I would share, 90% of the time or more they will have to accept blame for their actions...This is what most can't do....Also I realized a mind so deep in denial can never look inward.....at least not enough to allow us to interject with reality comments that are heard....You will have better luck talking to a wall than trying to press into a closed mind.....
It's so frustrating for us who see the answer to issue at hand, but, the mind we're dealing with can't hear it....It's like pouring gas on them and lighting a match....My suggestion to you and my self would be to walk away and stop trying to help or engage him with truth....He can't receive it.....All it does is keep it going, and brings more hells on you, and if he's like my wife it bales them out of any remorse or responsibility they might assume later on when calm, because we made ourselves a target for their blame trying to help...I still struggle trying to do this, but, it's give me so much comfort when I'm able to calmly speak the truth in love once and walk away and never respond to any comments coming back. Or if emotions are high, just leave it alone all together....
Blessings C
When they're emotional, they can't process....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
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It's so frustrating for us who see the answer to issue at hand, but, the mind we're dealing with can't hear it....It's like pouring gas on them and lighting a match....My suggestion to you and my self would be to walk away and stop trying to help or engage him with truth....He can't receive it.....
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He can't receive it....YET. Depending on the issue, he may be able to receive it in a few days, or in a week or two.
The problem is that when they're emotional, they can't process common sense. They just can't. That part of their brain is lacking blood and oxygen. The blood and oxygen have been diverted so the rational and thinking part of their brain is starved and can't think.
So, shortly after an argument, their brains can't process anything because they're still too emotional. They're like a child in the middle of a tantrum - you just can't reason with them.
Now, sometimes, when the issue is something that they're VERY wrong about or something that they'd be ashamed to admit, it might take YEARS for them to admit. When my H wrongly yelled at his married sister because she was too busy to go to a cousin's BBQ (she RSVP'd that her family would not be attending). My H RAGED at her. ....absolutely RAGED at her to the point that her own H had to order my H out of their home. For years, H would not admit that he was wrong. FOR YEARS. Any sane person would know that other married couples have the right to decide whether or not they're going to attend a BBQ. Only they know their schedules and family demands. It's no one else's business. H had no right to yell at his sister.....calling her names and yelling irrationally.
TWENTY FOUR YEARS LATER, H admitted that he was wrong. Out of NOWHERE. I hadn't brought the subject up for probably 20 years, but out of nowhere, H brought the subject up and said that he was wrong. I don't know if the subject had come up with a therapist or not. He said something like, "i have no idea why I became so angry. I was wrong." I asked him about it. He said something that I don't remember, but it was along the lines of him just being upset about them not going.
In hindsight, I think he would have realized that he was wrong a LOT sooner if I hadn't argued with him about that issue for a couple of years. I was trying to get him to "see the light". What a waste. They can't see the light when they're emotional.
Conversations
Submitted by chenderson on
You offer a lot of helpful insight. He often says that he doesn't understand himself at all and thinks I have some great talent at self analysis. I don't think I am any better at it than the average person but am beginning to understand why it might seem that way to him.
I am 100% guilty of attempting to have conversations and come to understanding and closure. It doesn't work. I know it doesn't work with him but I do get caught up in let's just talk about it, figure out what the problem is, what we need to do about it, and move on. It makes sense to me! He likes to play the blame game and gets so consumed with finding ways to blame me that it's impossible to have any kind of rational conversation with him or discuss whatever the problem is. I feel like a broken record saying I don't care whose fault it is, I just want to figure out how to keep it from continuing to be a problem. His therapist pointed out today that in his mind blame IS the problem at hand, not whatever happened that led to the blame game. I'm working on choosing my battles and the timing of conversations when I think it needs to be discussed. That is going to be a difficult one for me. Having an elephant in the room is anxiety producing for me and I struggle with going about business as usual when there are issues that need to be dealt with. It's going to be a learning process for sure.
I woke up this morning w/ more clarity on this subject...
Submitted by c ur self on
If a person lives a lifestyle with little to no self-discipline, little to no self-control usually follows....So what usually happens in an adult mind when discipline and self control is absent....Denial always follows...There can be many side effects when a mind is void of Discipline and self-control....Besides Denial, emotional instability and Anger...i.e.. substance abuse, Porn, Sexual Immorality to name a few. When a person continually overrides their conscience in order to maintain the life of illusion they're trapped in. They eventually loose most all sensitivity to reality...If you are making an effort to live along side them you have no option but to be continually aware of yourself....You are never responsible for their words are actions....So walking away is the only medicine for anyone looking to use you to prop themselves up for survival, and blame you for anything that they perceive as a stumbling block to their good times....Like truth!
When we engage this type mind (closed for their own protection) we become the target, because they are incapable of receiving reality comments, they are so deep in their life of illusions, It is their safe place, the only place they can run for protection from truth and reality!
Denial is the Great Gulf that separates illusion from reality....I must have self-control and discipline and not allow my frustration to make things worse, and effectively only accomplish destroying my own peace...Because when I engage an adult with a closed mind w/ my own frustrations at this point two of us are in denial....
Believe me I know how tempting it is to speak, I'm a Pro at it...:)
So True....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
<<<
If a person lives a lifestyle with little to no self-discipline, little to no self-control usually follows....So what usually happens in an adult mind when discipline and self control is absent....Denial always follows...There can be many side effects when a mind is void of Discipline and self-control....Besides Denial, emotional instability and Anger...i.e.. substance abuse, Porn, Sexual Immorality to name a few.
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this is why I think "chores and routines" at a young age can mitigate many, if not most, of the problems of ADHD.
When people blame "poor parenting," some parents are insulted because they think it means that they don't love and care about their kids.
Instead, often some or many of these parents "loved them too much" (ha ha). What I mean is that the parents indulged them, didn't make them do chores, didn't make them follow rules, didn't keep a strict bedtime,didn't help them learn how to be organized, didn't teach them how to get someplace ontime, didn't teach them time-management, did too much for them, managed their lives for them (finding their stuff, doing their organizing, coddled them, etc). I'm often reminded of a couple of teachers that I had when I was younger. There was a lot of practicing, they was a lot of repetition and "drill". Those techniques are the death of ADHD. And, for instance, if an impulsive child came into the room and slammed the door, the teacher would politely demand that the student return to the door and open and close it correctly 10 times...imprinting the correct way into the brain.
It's funny because I shared that with a friends whose ADHD daughter would slam her car door shut. My friend was afraid that her daughter would harm the door. I told her to give her D one warning, and warn her of the consequence. Her D slammed the door again. My friend had her D open and close the door gently and correctly 10 times. After that, he D never slammed the door again. If she had, she would have had to do it 20 times. At some point, the repetition of having to do it correctly imprints.
Back to "poor parenting": I've also seen instances where one parent knows that the child needs routine and chores and consequences for bad behavior, but the other parent undermines.
I know of such a mom. The dad knows that his kids need a strict (but loving) routine and schedule. The kids need to do regular chores at regular times, and they need immediate (but loving) consequences and discipline for bad behaviors. However, the mom is (likely ADHD) indulging, finds it "easier" to let the kids slide, lets them watch 24/7 TV, lets the housekeeper clean for them, and didn't insist that they get part-time jobs as teens, doesn't correct them when they do the wrong thing. No wonder that her kids also have severe ADHD. Most of their adult children don't work or don't work full-time. They spend as much time as they can on their hobbies while neglecting what needs to get done, they're burdens to their partners, they can't handle money, and they're extremely late to any function. They did this as young children and as young teens, and the behavior has easily continued into adulthood.
I'm with you!
Submitted by c ur self on
You are so right!....
Very True!
Submitted by chenderson on
I have tried responding a few times and all it turns into is bashing my in laws. I really don't want to go there, they're not perfect by any means but they do love their children and grandchildren very much. All I will say is I see where some of their parenting choices have been a hindrance to my husband. I see many of the signs of ADD in one of my own children, he's so much like my husband that sometimes it hurts. My approach as a mother has been to pay close attention to where my husband struggles and take the steps to give my son a little extra attention in those ares while he is still young. He's a teenager but I already see where those differences in parenting have really benefited him.
I would like to add that
Submitted by Hopeful Heart on
I would like to add that parenting a difficult child is exhausting. Parents of children with ADHD work much harder and see fewer results for all their work than parents of children without ADHD. My son does not respond to punishment, losing privileges or rewards. He has missed out on MANY of the normal activities and privileges that most kids have because he is being punished. He won't pick up after himself, he won't do chores and he won't do his schoolwork. As a result, he has no phone, he isn't allowed to have company, he goes very few places, he doesn't play video games, he doesn't watch tv or movies. He is in punishment mode most of the time and this has gone on for years. It just never sinks into his brain or he's just not able to perform the tasks I've listed. Either way, his life looks pretty miserable to me. It is a heartbreaking situation for a parent but, I've never stopped trying. I just don't get results.
I should add that his sister is the exact opposite. She is extremely mature, conscientious and responsible. They have grown up in the exact same environment. Actually, she has had to overcome all of the negativity that my son puts upon our family.
I would love input that you might have on motivating him.
I understand
Submitted by chenderson on
Everything you say about raising a child with ADD is very much true and I feel your pain. We've never had to deal with the hyperactivity side from my husband or my son. Hyperfocused for sure but hyperactivity is not a part of the equation for us. I can only imagine the added struggles that causes.
I am in no way a trained psychologist or perfect mother. I took my 2 psychology classes that were required for my college degree and was happy to be done with them and as a mother I've made plenty of mistakes. All of this is personal opinion based on observations I've made, conversations I've had with my husband, and research I've done. My personal beliefs are that there is no cookie cutter, one size fits all way to parent. Every child is different and unique and has their own specific needs and I think almost every parent does the best they can for their children. My point is, I am more than happy to discuss parenting ideas I could use a few myself but I am not here to judge anyone else as a parent and my sincere hope is that it does not come across that way.
Routine and consistency seem to be the biggest help for him. He needs to know what to expect.
He does not respond to traditional punishment or loss of privileges either but the right rewards can be a big motivation for him. He thrives on positive reinforcement and when punishment is necessary it is more effect if it is immediate and short lived. Grounding him for 2 weeks is only effective for the first 2 days, after that he could care less because he's already moved on and it seems like something that happened 2 years ago to him. He hates everything about doing chores so it is effective with him to add additional chores that have to be done right away as a punishment. He has a tendency to be careless and break things, so does my husband, and they both have had problems with hiding it so they do not have to take responsibility instead of just being honest. It took several tries, crying, begging and pleading from me to get my husband to understand that our son was acting just like him and he needed to set a better example if we were ever going to get him to stop and keep it from becoming out of control. I know that a certain amount of don't tell mom about this, she will freak out is normal and can even be considered healthy. My husband was taking it too far and setting a very bad example for our kids. My husband also has a tendency to project his mother onto me and expect me to mother him, I'll go into a little detail about that in a bit. Hopefully this will make a little more sense then. I am not the type to get too upset about broken things and I don't think I overreact about it, especially if it was an accident and I do think when it is the result of hyperfocus on something else it is an accident. I see no need for either of them to hide it other than they just don't want to take responsibility. It has taken some work with both of them and I have to make sure I handle it with care when they do confide that they have broken something. With my son instead of you're grounded, you need to be more careful, I really loved that and I'm upset it's broke....what would have been said to me by my mother, I tell him thank you for being honest and telling me. He's always nervous and expecting the worst but I think at that moment it's more important to focus on his honesty than what he did wrong. After he calms down we have a calm conversation about what happened and what he needs to do about it. If it can be fixed, usually it can, that is a great opportunity for him to spend some time with dad doing their guy things fixing it. If it can't be fixed I still urge my husband to spend the guy time with him and take him shopping where he will spend his own money replacing it. Unless it's something important to running the house, most of the time I could care less if it is actually replaced or not but that is an effective way to teach him to take responsibility and take the feelings of others into consideration which is something my husband REALLY struggles with. If he goes the other route and decides to lie about it he is grounded, loses privileges, has to do extra chores, and still has to either fix or replace it. He knows he can expect the same with all other situations where he has to make a choice to either be honest or lie and I word it to him like that, it's his choice, he has to decide how he wants to live his life and the type of person he wants to be. I'm trying teach him that when he lies people lose respect for him and that we all make mistakes, we can hide our mistakes or take responsibility and learn from them while at the same time showing him that the consequences are much more severe if you lie than they are if you are honest.
My son is horrible at turning in his homework or passing on communication from his teachers. It's very frustrating that while his grades aren't always that great, when they do state testing at the end of the year for 2 years in a row he had the highest scores in his school and some of the highest in the entire state. He is not getting bad grades because he does not understand the material or is struggling with what he is being taught, it is completely self induced and he hasn't cared about it very much. I've seen some improvement in that department with age and maturity. The last 2-3 years I've also added something to make him the center of attention. Our older son has always gotten good grades and been on top of turning his homework in. I don't believe in comparisons but I can't reward one without the other so when report cards come home if they both have good grades they each get to pick a restaurant to go to for a little celebration. They flip a coin to see who chooses first and we make a big deal out of it with lots of praise and thank you for getting such good grades so we could do this and spend some great time together as a family. If the timing is right we've even taken little impromptu weekend trips when they both have good grades. If he does not and his brother does then he still has to participate in going out to dinner and celebrating his brother's good grades. Being the center of attention and feeling like he has done something to reward all of us is a big motivator for him, so is seeing his brother get it when he doesn't. Something else I have noticed and tried to use as other rewards for him is when it's his turn to choose it is not uncommon for him to instead ask if we can cook a family favorite meal and stay home playing board games. I think at times he does feel a disconnect, my husband has expressed feeling the same way, and being the reason for bringing the family together when we're laughing and just enjoying each other's company makes him feel very good and proud of himself. That warms my heart as a mother and I have no problems indulging him as often as I can on that one. I feel very fortunate to have a teenager that even wants to spend time with his family : )
He's had some big struggles with keeping his temper in check. I still worry about that one when I'm not around. I am usually the only one who can calm him down but I have seen an improvement with it, again with age and maturity, and I think in part from the conversations we have about it. I don't let him get away with I just can't control it and it's not my fault. He has to take responsibility and learn more effective ways to deal with it. When his temper is getting the best of him I completely pull him out of the situation. There were a handful of times when he was younger that he physically lashed out at me, fortunately he was too young to actually do any damage to anything other than my broken heart, but it was something I took very serious and was determined we could not let go any further. I talk to him softly and calmly when I pull him away from it. I tell him he is getting ready to do something he will regret and that he needs to calm down and think before he goes any further. At times I have told him you are wrong and you are getting ready to make a fool out of yourself, I love you and I'm here to help you with this but I won't do it if you are going to continue lashing out at me for my efforts. What I say to him is very dependent on the situation, sometimes I tell him you are right but no one is going to listen to you and hear your point of view until you stop being so aggressive. In the beginning it took up to 30 minutes before he was ready to deal with it, now I have seen him more and more be able to handle his frustrations on his own without letting his temper get the best of him. There are still times when it does and now it's closer to 5-10 minutes for him to calm down and reassess the situation. Patience and staying calm have been my best friend with his temper.
He doesn't do too well at picking up after himself either, neither does my husband, and I try choosing my battles with that one. I am a neat freak, I want the house spotless, I want bedrooms spotless, I want everything in it's place. That's not happening! It took me a long time to just accept that I can either spend all of my time cleaning and picking up after them or I can put the blinders on from time to time and enjoy my family. I don't let any of them, husband included, leave a mess in the living room. I call that sacred space and have been vocal that I put on the blinders in other parts of the house so they need to put in the effort there for me. I think in part it is a guy thing but I do see it worse in him and my husband than I do my older son. If it's there I don't care what they are doing I make them deal with it. If they're not home I pile it up right there where it sits enough that it doesn't drive me crazy and make them deal with it when they get home. I work from home so I'm here more and do the majority of the housework but I will not be a maid to any of them, I wouldn't have time to run my business if I did that and I don't think it's helping my children for me to do everything for them. I never know what I am going to find when I walk into his bedroom. Sometimes it is very neat and orderly and others you can barely open the door. I haven't figured out what leads to the unexpected neat and orderly yet. Cleaning their bedrooms is part of their weekly chores and I am very aware that they don't do the best job at it most weeks but every so often I'll tell them it's time for it to be mom clean. They know that means I'll be doing more than glancing in as I walk down the hallway and it's time to get busy. I get my husband in on that one too. Every 2-3 months I round all of them up and say ok, it's time to mom clean the house. Most people probably refer to that as Spring Cleaning but I do it a little more often. I make a list of what needs to be done and we all work on it together. He and my husband will disappear on us sometimes and they definitely take a little longer on things they enjoy doing more. I have to let them know I'm on to them and they need to help but in some ways their hyperfocus can be an advantage there, if they can get focused on it I'll have the cleanest whatever it is they're working on around. I try to find a balance that works for all of us. My husband has his shop that I rarely walk into and he can keep it as messy as he wants. Once a year or so he will ask if I mind helping him clean it up and get everything organized again. I don't mind doing that with him and it's not a top priority area to spend a lot of money on but when we do that I try picking up a few containers or organizers for him. My son has his bedroom that I try very hard not to get too worked up about being messy and in return I ask that they respect that I do that for them so when I say it's time to mom clean they don't fight with me about it. It works pretty well for us and every now and then if my son is bored, usually because his computer has been taken away, he will ask if there is anything I need mom cleaned.
I try giving a little bit of leniency when his computer or video games have been taken away for longer periods too. If it is clear he has been trying very hard and has been doing his best to stay on task I'll give him an hour of computer or video game time on Saturday afternoon as a reward. That helps with the acting out about it being taken away and he has asked if there are things he can do to earn those privileges back. It really depends on the reason why it was taken away in the first place but for some of them I think that isn't a bad idea and we figure out ways he can do that. He can be quite selfish, so can my husband, and if the reason he lost those privileges was a result of being selfish I think doing nice things for others is a wonderful way to earn back his privileges and I like seeing him think about that and think about ways he can do for someone else.
Some of the things I see with the way my husband was raised that have been a hindrance to him is that for starters I think his mother has ADD as well and he has an under involved father. I don't know if his lack of involvement was the result of his generation or his own issues with depression. He was diagnosed after my husband was well into adulthood but it is possible that he suffered with it long before his diagnosis. I see where my husband's problems with ADD interfere with parenting and I don't hesitate to intervene, his father did not and does not do that. My husband has asked him to intervene when his mother is being controlling and he will not do it. It could all be someone who has given up too, it's hard to know. Sometimes I feel like it's easier to give up and let him control everything than continue fighting with him. I can't do that to my kids though, they need to see a healthier parent set a better example for them. His mother is an odd combination. She is controlling (something I see in my husband too), manipulative (hubby too), dismissive (hubby too), passive aggressive (hubby too), a firm believer in withdraw of affection parenting (I have not seen my husband do that with our kids but he definitely uses a cold shoulder and withdraw of love and affection to punish and hurt me), and she does all of this while making excuses when my husband's ADD is clearly getting in his way and acting like it's cute and funny that he can't remember a conversation he had 10 minutes ago and takes 2 hours to complete a 30 minute task because he gets so side tracked and distracted. They did nothing as parents to help him with this, she just wanted to argue with me when I told her he has it. Their denial and their own problems have enabled him. There is much more that goes into our limited communication and time spent with them but I have seen when we are together if one of our kids acts up she treats them like they are being the most perfect creatures on the face of the earth and tries to undermine us as parents when we attempt correcting them. She is so damn passive aggressive about it that it's hard to even confront her for doing it because she always leaves herself a way to say it wasn't intentional or worse, if no one else is around to see it she will just say you're lying and making things up (much like my husband does).
The withdraw of affection is a big one in our marriage. He lies to me and fights with me to try convincing me he did nothing wrong because he is scared to death I will do the same thing to him that his mother has done and act like he does not exist. I've seen her do it and it is nothing short of heart breaking that she will refuse contact with him for months on end because he didn't do something she wanted him to. He was never taught to stand on his own 2 feet and make decisions for himself, another problem in our marriage, she controlled everything. He now puts it on me to make almost all of the household decisions but at the same time if he feels like he doesn't have control then he's critical of me making the decisions and watch out if I make the wrong decision. This is all something we work with counselors on a lot and has improved over time, especially after limiting contact with his parents, but it has been a long uphill battle.
I may not always be right but my choices as a parent are always trying to think ahead to how this will impact our son and if it is going to help him in life or enable him. I don't want him to face the same struggles my husband does and I want him to know he can always, no matter what, reach out and say I'm struggling and need help. I try to teach him that we all make mistakes and we can always work together to help him through it but that he has to be honest about it first and willing to see where he went wrong or could have made a better choice.
I agree that parenting an ADHD child is more difficult
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
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My son does not respond to punishment, losing privileges or rewards. He has missed out on MANY of the normal activities and privileges that most kids have because he is being punished. He won't pick up after himself, he won't do chores and he won't do his schoolwork. As a result, he has no phone, he isn't allowed to have company, he goes very few places, he doesn't play video games, he doesn't watch tv or movies. He is in punishment mode most of the time and this has gone on for years. It just never sinks into his brain or he's just not able to perform the tasks I've listed. Either way, his life looks pretty miserable to me. It is a heartbreaking situation for a parent but, I've never stopped trying. I just don't get results.
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What are some things that are important to him?
Does he dress himself? brush his teeth? comb his hair? put on his shoes?
If he does, why does he do THOSE things and not other things? If he does those things, then at some point, he learned to do those things, accepts that he has to do those things, and does those things.
When things are calm and no one's upset, can you simply have a conversation about why he won't do chores or do homework?
He must have some "currency". Since it's not having a phone, or going places, it must be something.
Does he get hungry and want to eat? If so, then why not say something like, "Your dinner will be served after you do XXXXX chore" (not a time consuming chore, but something that might take 5 minutes.) What would he do? not eat? He might choose to do that if he has easy access to snacks and stuff. But if those weren't available, when would he do?
HOw old is he?
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He won't pick up after himself, he won't do chores
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What happens if you stay right there and demand that he do those things? I realize that many ADHD kids won't do certain chores just by remembering, but what happens if you say, "Ok, when you're done eating, take your plate and put in in the dishwasher? " And then when he gets up and starts to leave, and you remind him, what does he do? Does he just essentially say "no" and keep going?
I know this isn't very politically correct, but with some ADHD kids, particularly boys who have trouble with the "now and not now" concept, a light open-hand spanking on the butt when they were younger (say 4-7 ) probably would have provided that "now" feedback that they needed.
H's mom would (wrongly) tell H, "Just wait till your daddy gets home". Wrong! Those many hours later were "too late" for H to "feel" the impact of any bad behavior.
I did give my boys a light single spank on the butt when they would misbehave or disobey. It was quick, they knew what it was for, and it retrained them. I never had to spank them once they were older. Once they learned that when I told them to do something, they were expected to do it, they learned to obey - and I don't mean that meanly...I mean that if I said, "time for bed, go put your PJ's on," then they knew to do that. Did I expect a military response? no. But they learned not to blow me off.
I think some of this bad behavior is the result of moving away from the immediate consequence to consequences that some kids, particularly ADHD kids, didn't care about. Telling an ADHD kid to stop doing X or he will lose TV tonight is meaningless. That's not NOW.