My husband and I have been married 16 years. He is a wonderful man but he brings things home and piles them in a corner saying that they will probably be needed one day. His piles have spread out. His car is so full of stuff that he can't even drive it. We have to use another car. I am continually cleaning out our back room to make it functional for company. Our yard is beginning to get out of hand from things and wood that he has accumulated. I don't know what to do. He will not go with me to see someone about getting help. I feel pretty confidant that he has ADD. But would like for him to be tested. What do I do about all the clutter? I feel on the verge of a breakdown. Should I get someone to help me clean it up. Or wait for him to come around. He usually makes excuses for dealing with it and goes and does something he would rather do. How can I encourage him to quit hoarding. Our ability to communicate fluctuates from farely decent to off the chart. Any advice HELP!
Hoarding
Submitted by witsend on 04/01/2009.
suggestion
Submitted by susi78 on
My husband is a lot like this and I found that when I have move anything of his.. it has created war yet not saying anything only creates resentment. what has worked for me was stating my NEEDS very clearly by using 1 or 2 sentences...and giving a time frame. For example.. I'd pick one area and b/c he is adhd I'd say to him I need for you to clean off the bay window by the end of the weekend. I wouldn't add anything else if he agreed to this. If he agreed, I'd put a note of reminder so he didn't forget in a place of mutual agreement. then I'd make sure to thank him when he was done. Also part of this is asking him if he needed anything from me in return for him cleaning off the bay window, etc. for me. (this was hard b/c I felt resentful for all the clutter..but I got much further ahead and is part of mutual respect.)
this help me. take what you want from it. What never worked for me was nagging and complaining....
Thanks for the advice. I am
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on
Hoarding
Submitted by Cheryl on
Speaking from my own ADD perspective, it is incredibly difficult for me to make decisions about the importance of saving something. For me, the problem is holding on to papers, magazines, journals, and articles i have printed off the internet. Since my husband will eventually throw things away that are just lying around the house, I have learned to contain my piles to my personal space, which is a huge room attached to our bedroom. At first i was indignant when he took it upon himself to throw out my stuff, but then i realized that it wasn't fair for me to clutter up the living areas of our house. Personally, I appreciate his tidyness since a cluttered house would only make my ADD symptoms worse. I still struggle to manage my piles, despite the fact that I created a nice filing system, but I am grateful that my husband accepts me for who I am and doesn't nag me. The bottom line is this: If i don't manage my stuff, he will. That is enough of a stimulus to make me pay attention to the issue. My suggestion would be to set a deadline for each area. Calmly tell your husband that whatever is left in the car by Saturday is going in the garbage. Then set another deadline for the yard. If he insists on saving stuff and you do not have an extra room, then tell him to rent space at a storage facility! I actually considered this because i could not deal with having to make the decisions, but then i realized how ridiculous this was! Instead, I periodically drag a very large box up to my room and attempt to fill it with stuff to throw out. I have come to love the feeling of purging the uneeded stuff and having a clear office to enjoy working in. I think that as long as you do not shame him, but gently provide logical reasons for setting cleanup deadlines, and you follow through on the "consequence" then he will cooperate. Continue to set regular deadlines for each area so that things do not get out of hand. Establishing a routine, especially if you can cheerfully do the chore together, can be a huge help for those with AD/HD. Good luck!