About 8 months ago I discovered this website after googling ADHD issues and marriage. I have been married to my husband for 7 years. The first 2 were good and the last 5 have been awful. I am remarried and my first marraige was 14 years long and to a non ADHD person, but this person was verbally and emotionally abusive and didn't work for many years, so I had to work 60-70 hours with babies. Anyways - now I am in this marriage where my husband is not verbally abusive and he is pretty supportive of things I want to do - but our marriage is a diaster. In 2014 I became pregnant and didn't figure I would need to work at all or as much. I was excited about having a baby with my husband and he was excited as he waited 44 years to have a baby. I also have three other kiddos. But since my pregnacy our marriage has been a mess. He obviously has ADHD and I knew that when we got married in 2012, but he acted healthy, energetic, motivated and well. He was on medicine and seemed to perform well overall. There were some areas where he forgot or didn't follow through (taxes) and those were frustrating - but it didn't effect our daily life too much. However, maybe my brain is closed. Anyways in 2014 he left a high paying family business. Since then it's been hell. He has had multiple jobs and businesses. He tried to make his part time web design business into a full time gig when we had a newborn. I told him that I knew in my gut that was a bad idea. But he didn't listen and I ended up having to work with a newborn. When my baby was 1 I decided to dive into Real Estate and go back to school - by then my husband and tried his hand at sales for a financial co and also gotten his insurance license and had no success. We lost one house at that time, and have ended up losing three in basically 5 years. I have worked my tail off for the last years. I was supposed to be able to stay home and raise this baby (that is what we agreeded upon) and I have not been able to do that. Mind you we have 3 other kids that have had to experience multiple moved and lack due to his poor choices. in five years he has worked at two insurance companies, one finanical company, one hospital sales job anad tried and then tried to do website design full time - none of it has panned out and mostly because he will not follow through. In addition we have $250,000 in IRS taxes due that he brought into the marraige that is piling up more and more hta the has promised to taken care of.
Right now I work two job, fulltime 40 hours for my brokerage and I also still sell houses. I had to quit my masters program (counseling is my dream) becase I basically got burnt out trying to be the main supporter and also take care of 4 kids and go to school . Even though I was able to finish my bachelors in 2018.
We have been to counseling together (2 years on and off), we have went to marriage seminars. I have suggested he plug into ADHD resources or coaching. He is on ADD meds but they are not helping. He knows he has ADHD and know he needs help but he will not get it, he always has excuses. I found this site actually and got the book and he would only read the first two chapters with me - even though it was all spont on he wouldnt follow through. I actually seen a decline in him over the last year. He is rude and angry- he yells at us often and loses his cool more than I can count. He will not do any of the things myself or other has suggest , like sleeping more, going for walks, eating healthy and using his planner, get a coach, or adhd counselor - accountablity partner - nothing. He puts on a show for our friends at church and business assoc. He acts like all is well when it is all falling apart. This is just a small snaphot - I could write pages and pages honeslty. Lets take care issues - we have three cars sitting in our drive way broke down. I have an expensive car that broke in May and I have been trying to handle on my own since then - I actually had to go out and buy a minivan because I couldn't get to my RE apts or pick up my kids, etc. I got stranged 3 hours away, had to miss health apts and such because he will NOT take care of the vehicles or handle the repairs and even lies about it. I even lost clients over it - I have done my BEST to take care of some of these car issues myself,
BTW, I do praise him often and encourage him - if he remember to follow through I compliment him and thank him. I also do have times where I am frustrated and I am "getting" on him - but we are trying to raise four kids, take care of a household, i have a business and a job and I can not do it alone - if I am going to have to I would rather do it alone.
I am so sad. I hate our life together, and I don't want to continue. We have had SO many talks with promises of him to change and nothing has happened. I have carried the weight of our life for 5 years. I hit burnout and my counselor said it's time for him to man up so to speak but I know he will not. I get that he has ADD and its challenging. I had severe post partum depression, have been suicidal and depressed and anxious for 5 years - however I still had to make things happne because my kids are counting on me. We all have struggles and challenges but we have to get help and find things that can help us. I have done counseling, crisis lines for help, changed my diet and lifestyle, worked on sleeping more - so I could find a small amount of relieft and not totally burn out.
I am ready to leave honestly - and it's totally sickening. i thought when I got remarried we would have a great life together. he seems like a motivated business man who loved jesus and wanted a family. Now he just gets by and knows I will make the rest happen.
BTW - when people say that you should diconnect some and make him experience the consquences of his own choices, how do you do that when those consequences spill over directly upon you and your family. If he doesn't pay the heat bill and we have no heat and I don't get it on - then we ALL freeze. If we are down to one car and i miss my sleep study - then I SUFFER. And on and on - I am the one suffering and the kids - NOT him.
I don't want to get divorced - we have a 4 year old together and I have three kids I have already put through a divorce - but I see no hope.
You are ready to leave
Submitted by inSearchForHope on
You ARE READY to leave. These are your words and I very much believe you. From your post it's clear you are highly capable person and will do not just fine but great if you shake off the " dead weight ". Just think of it- you still have dreams. ( as people break down further DREAMS DIE - I know it:() And dreams are you way up.
your kids will manage divorce a lot better than your nervous breakdown. It's even likely they will be HAPPIER after divorce because you will be as kids are very attuned to the state of mothers even if they don't show it .
your husband might feel relief among other feelings too in case of divorce. I honestly feel ADHD ' ers should not marry as they are better off being single-that way they do not gain responsibilities they often find unbearable and can't handle.
We create our own luck. You still got enough in you to accomplish that.
stay strong , I'll pray for you
For beauty
Submitted by inSearchForHope on
Listen to your inner voice-what is best for YOU? Like in an airplane-put oxygen mask on yourself first do you can help others.
I know how hard it is - this endless struggle makes you forget about yourself, I recently realized I can't describe who I am and what I want well myself. But try and make yourself a priority
Beautyforashes77...Hearing, feeling for you, and understanding
Submitted by c ur self on
What causes that level of selfishness and unconcern for their responsibilities? Every thing you wrote about your spouse....(The early hyper focus on the work of the relationship, Telling me that she loved Jesus at the water cooler at work, in one of our first conversations, I could go on, your story is so familiar)
Could it partly be us, that put us here?...I was 50, and loved my late wife (passed away at age 49 breast C)...Looking back, I'm sure my desire to spend the rest of my life sharing in all things that make us one, was very important to me...So in retrospect, I was vulnerable, and had on the rose colored glasses to a degree....Why was our spouse's still single at their ages??...I saw the warning signs, but, in my exuberance and self confidence (high performer, loved deeply, and knew I was willing to do the work of a husband w/ great Joy) I immaturely jumped into something I should have given much more prayer and consideration to.....
But, we are here aren't we? I'm here for two reason, one I do love my wife, but most of all, I'm here because I love Jesus, and he loves me....And he is the only place abundant and eternal life is found....Should you be where you are? Only you know....I do not have four small children....I do my taxes separate....I have many boundaries to protect myself from someone who can be so sweet and loving one minute, but so defensive and defiant, and irresponsible the next....We don't share much when it comes to responsibilities....Simply because I can't trust her to not be selfish, and self absorbed....Her add is at a high level, but, that doesn't cause the worst of the problems, sin, and abandonment of responsibilities is and all ways will be matters of the heart....I have good friends w/ adhd, (I may have it myself) but they never use it as an excuse for selfishness, unconcern, or laziness....And, as long as our spouses live with no or little convictions to carry their responsibilities, you and I and any in the same boat will suffer, and always be overburdened....
All I can suggest is boundaries, and do what you can do to not allow him to dominate your thoughts, don't match his unconcern with your own....IF you were one of my daughters (I have two ages 37 and 40, and 4 precious grand babies) I would help you hold him accountable even if it meant leaving...I would never stand by and watch the abuse you are dealing with, unless it was unavoidable.....The bible teaches us to walk away from abuse, but, to not allow that to be an occasion for our own sin (use it as an excuse to sin)....Your husband isn't being a husband, he's being a persecutor, by his very refusal to do the work he has vowed to do....
My heart hurts for you and I will pray for you this morning....My hope for you is that you will be able to celebrate Jesus, and keep your trust in him!....I know you have wrestled w/ this a long time, (months of reading here before this post) I know you are over extending yourself in daily life.....I know you are working the best you are able to care for yourself and your precious babies in every way....Just remember it's not going unseen!
Do your best to keep your life small and workable....We have to count our blessings and be thankful, or we will be over come......
Blessings
c
Beautyforashes77
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
The only suggestion I have besides agreeing with c ur self with regards to boundaries, is to find a way to do less so that you feel less burdened. Are you able to hire out some help, maybe help you with household chores? I know that is an expense that some cannot afford, but there are other posters on this site that have done it.
I really empathized when you said you suffered from severe post partum depression, but found a way to trudge forward, for your children because it needed to be done. I went through the same thing with my ex-husband, but I only had the one child and was working full time. His true nature surfaced after we had our first child, and things worsened over time. I will keep you in my prayers.
Re: Hopeless and want to be done
Submitted by Angie_H on
Hi, Beauty...,
You cannot control your husband. No amount of advising him to sleep more, go for walks, etc. will get him to do any of those things. He has to want to do them. You can establish healthy boundaries to make your life a little easier. If there is one running car, why not make sure it is your car? You could keep the keys and not share them with him. You can be sympathetic if he needs to go somewhere and his car isn't working. There are other options for transportation.
If you feel you are at the end, why are you staying? Is putting the kids through another divorce worse than staying in an unpredictable situation? What sense of security can they have if their home may be lost again?
If you are not at the end, what can you do? I was given all sorts of advice that sounds easy to those on the outside, but was impossible for me to implement. I was in the situation that, if I let my husband suffer financial consequences, it meant the whole family suffered them. We separated, then I was freed from that. If he didn't pay his gas and electric bill, he was the only one sitting there in the dark and cold.
It is hard to think clearly when you are under so much stress. What can you do to have some respite from the situation so that you can make good decisions? I wish you all the best.
Angie
We understand
Submitted by Moondust on
I want to say you found the right place. We can all relate to you and your story and could all write pages and pages of examples.
I, too, have a hard time with the whole having him suffer his own consequences, when it directly affects me. Personally, I have taken over paying bills because I'm unwilling to have the electricity turned off or have my credit harmed. It's also frustrating when it always seems to work out for him - He forgets, something else falls into place, it doesn't bother him and he doesn't learn anything.
I have prioritized what actually needs to get done. Paying bills is up there, so that's why I do it. Cleaning the house, not so important in my opinion. He says washing the dishes is his chore, so I don't do it. There are times where the sink is piled up and the counters are full of dirty dishes. I still do not do them, because it is his responsibility. If it means eating cereal out of a big tupperware bowl, that's what I do. I don't get mad, I don't remind him, I let him figure it out on his own. And eventually, without fail, he does the dishes. Usually after that he does the dishes every day for a while because he was so annoyed he had to do so many!
If there is a time you two can calmly sit down and talk through chores, I'd suggest doing that. Make a list ahead of time of everything you can think of that needs to get done around the house regularly - dishes, cooking, car maintenance, paying bills, etc. Ask him what he would be willing to be in charge of. 1-3 things is going to be all he can handle. If it's not on his list, then it's on yours and you have the right to hire someone to do it, decide it isn't worth your time, or to actually do it and when/how. And the crucial part is: if it's on his list, it is NOT on yours. He also has the right to do it when/how he wants to. If I did the dishes, it would take me 20 minutes to unload, load, and start it up. It takes him around 2 hours. It does me no good to get upset about how he does it or how long it takes.
Now for things like car maintenance, there is a time limit. This I have learned the hard way. If he can't get it done within a mutually agreed upon time (ie by the end of the month) then I have to take care of it because it does affect me. We agree to these deadlines together, so I'm not "parenting" him by giving him a time and punishing him by taking over. We agree he will bring the car in for X by the end of the month and when it's the second week of the next month, I bring it in myself.
Don't know if any of that is helpful at all.
I'd also add that my parents are divorced. They divorced when I was in high school and my brother in Jr High. Both said to me they thought they could keep it together until my brother graduated. My reaction then, and now (20+ years later) is WHY?? Why did they try to "keep it together" for as long as they did?? Life after their divorce was so much more calm and stable, I wish they had done it earlier. Being in a volatile and unstable environment was so taxing and stressful on me and my brother. Adjusting to the new living arrangements took a couple months, but life was so much better.