This is just a quick post and more of an observation. You can treat the question of what bothers you as a rhetorical one which is mainly why I put that out there but....if you want to say what bothers you....this would be a good place to state it. Into the context that I'm thinking about this....I noticed (now with a new set of eyes ) that my wife and I are different even though ADHD is the common thread. Many things bother her in a general way and when she bothered...she has anxiety. And because she has so many things that bother her...she has a lot more anxiety than I do. And along with that anxiety...she gets depressed. And along with the depression....she gets "disparagingly unhappy".
To say I'm not bothered by things is not accurate. When things bother me....the same thing happens as my wife in the same order. But compared to my wife....I have a fraction of the things that bother me compared to her and this is where I see a huge difference between us. When she gets depressed and disparagingly unhappy....she gets cranky. And when she gets cranky...she becomes reactive. And when she becomes reactive...she lashes out in anger and erupts or can't hold her mud and this is really a problem? Not so much for her...she's got all that other stuff getting in the way and she's focused....all the way back to what bothers her and being reactive and lashing out in anger is the least thing on her mind?
But on top of the list...of things that bother and me and like I said....my list is pretty short and I don't let too many things bother me normally. But #1 on the list of things that bother me? Are people who are bothered by a lot of things but especially....people who react and lash out in anger! LOL That's really the biggest thing that bothers me most of all...which is why my wife and I get to this place so often but I am so aware of this now and have been working on this for so long....that even that....doesn't bother me...nearly as much as if did before. I've had a lot of practice as of late with my wife...and so that "electric shock" thing due to my PTSD from this in the past...is slowly dissipating and I am becoming desensitized to this now. WHEW!!!! What a load off! That was killing me there for a while and as of just last night....I realized that this wasn't happening any more to that level? Now that I know what that is....it doesn't bother me nearly as much anymore in a very healthy and good way. More like an annoying "joy buzzer" party favor that someone has in the palm of their hand as a joke...that's not so funny. lol
Annoying is good.....electrocuted is bad! lol
One more things as far as what I have really observed in the male ...female...shame thing and the differences there? The reason...I believe....that I am not bothered nearly as much about things like a neat and tidy house ( to extreme sometimes with my wife ) is what my ex wife said a long time ago when she was complaining and pleading with me to do something about my messy habits. As she put it....." If someone comes over to the house to visit...and see's the mess that here from you.....they'll think I'm a poor housekeeper and they won't think anything like that of you. That's the first they'll think if someone were to just drop in....that I'm a poor housekeeper...not you."
I guess...this is that female shame thing talking right there. mmmmm?? Shame, low self esteem......"you're a bad housekeeper". That would add up to being bothered a lot? In the same vane...if one of my male friends stopped by.....they'd go "do you have any beer..;I could use a cold one right now?" They've known me all my life and the only comment they might make right now is....."hey, the house is looking neater than usually? Are you having company or is something wrong with you." LOL No shame....they know me too well and have accepted that a long long time ago....like when I was a teenager. Anything different would me....something wrong? lol
Male and female shame is different...and I'm noticing all the ways that's connected directly to what bothers my wife the most and that's a pretty long list...let me tell you?
What I've done subconsciously now that I think about it. Is not worry about things too much and not let what others think of me...worry me?
And if I don't worry. I'm not bothered. And if I'm not bothered....I don't stress. And when I don't stress...I don't have anxiety. And when I don't have anxiety....I don;'t get depressed. And when I'm not depressed.....I'm happy.
If that's the key to happiness....I need to find a way to bottle it. I'd make a million!!! Wait a minute....what was that song? "Don't worry....be happy" Damn....someone beat me too it!! LOL
OMG....I just had a flash back. Remember the commercial ( long ago if you're old enough )....When a woman comes to the door and lets her two "snarky" friends inside and right when the one walks in she goes......"Fried Fish last night?"
No wonder I wanted to smack her! sheese! With friends like those....who needs enemies?
J
What bothers you??
Submitted by c ur self on
1) Lack of awareness...
2) And, when I make them aware by simple statements of observation; and all I get in return has nothing to do w/ the subject matter, but, only defensiveness and denial...this bothers me also...
I really love what you say here in this post; it's as real as it gets!...Most non's married to adhd partners who attempt #2 (like myself) can be filled w/ anxiety.
Most adhd minded folks do not worry about their adhd; because it's who they are...So no anxiety!
It's the simple human dilemma...I like me, and it's going to be real hard for you to convince me not to...LOL...
So when we trade our efforts from trying to find a solution to bring awareness to another human (eating the poison of control) and just work on Acceptance of that human, then our anxiety can drop way down....And if you add Love w/ that Acceptance you will usually get the best that other human has to offer....At this point; when there is no anxiety in either partner; it is much easier to make a decision based on fact vs emotion...
If you read anything in any book on helping marriages where adhd is present, (Melissa's or any of the other recognized experts). you will find one common thing in every help related paragraph..."If both or willing to work on it".....95% of the people I read about here don't seem to have that ingredient...."Two wanting to work on it"....
C
If you read anything in any
Submitted by NowOrNever (not verified) on
If you read anything in any book on helping marriages where adhd is present, (Melissa's or any of the other recognized experts). you will find one common thing in every help related paragraph..."If both or willing to work on it".....95% of the people I read about here don't seem to have that ingredient...."Two wanting to work on it"....
Hello, that's it, C. That's it. I hear so much sorrow about hoping, wishing, trying to engage with a partner who doesn't show up for the work of relationship...and so neither for the benefit of the work.
What bothers me? In my relationship with my ADHD husband? Oh, dear, well let's see...it varies day by day, as I'm guessing that I bug him, as well. I think some issues and people in his family at large give me most worry and heartburn at this point, and I'm not going to get into the details. ADHD is not the center of it for us, at present.
Now - you nailed it from my
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Now - you nailed it from my perspective.
And what bothers me the most is that he DOES KNOW. He aknowledges it, talks about it - even in a calm positive way, and then nothing.... Thats probably the worst thing that gets to me. he knows what is damaging but he doesnt care because its "what he wants" at the moment. He doesnt care WHO it damages as long as he gets that "cookie" when he wants it.
What also bothers me is his expectation of me doing my part, compromising (which means letting him have his way with no expectations back), and keeping a smile on my face no matter what he does - but I am not allowed to have any expectations of him doing HIS part.
It REALLY bothers me that my husband has no concept of promise or commitment. He thinks they are only valid when *HE* feels like they should be, as long as something else isnt more interesting to him. UNLESS that promise/commitment is to him.
What bothers me? That I have been in this relationship essentially alone, but with the promise and hope given to me by someone who never meant it. So I have invested, done my part, bent myself in ways I didnt think possible to accomodate his needs and desires with the expectation that someday he would return the favor..... only to be told that he just isnt up to returning that investment (that he asked for) so he wants to leave the mess behind and move on to a new life full of things that he cares about (which clearly doesnt include me or our marriage).
I hear you, Stacey.
Submitted by NowOrNever (not verified) on
I hear you, Stacey.
You Know C I know What Use to Bother Me?
Submitted by kellyj on
Being in denial, not being aware and not paying attention to the same things I do now? lol That....really, really bothered me because I worried so much!!
Ironic ...isn't it? Since I'm aware of these things and paying attention better....I catch myself doing things I never use to...and then I don;t do it? And when I don;'t do it....I don;t worry? And..........lol
But you reminded me of this and I can't believe I forgot about it until you said this? I'm bumping my wife's eruptive or reactive anger to #2 on the list.
#1 ont the list!!! Getting suddenly...cut off and interrupted by my wife out of no where sometimes, right in the middle of a sentence or after two words in.....with her going..."I don't want to talk about it" ....which I've now come to understand (since I finally asked her or better....told her what that means from my expereince )....."SHUT UP....STOP TALKING" So "it"....is really not what she means. "IT"...means....stop talking completely about any topic even a new one and don't say ONE word after that and just go away and leave me alone"
I am the decider.....so it is written....so it shall be done. lol
I hate that more than anything. That REALLY REALLY BOTHERS ME! LOL
J
J, something interesting
Submitted by dedelight4 on
You know J, there's something interesting here. I know you have ADHD, but now since you've changed so many things about yourself, and such, it seems like YOU are the non-ADHD person in the marriage, and your wife is the ADHD person in denial. LOL. This is NOT a put down or I'm not suggesting anything mean, it's just one of those interesting, funny little sort of things.
Yes Indeed....Dede
Submitted by kellyj on
I'm the most reluctant leader on the planet...yet here I am? lol It's also interesting how things just default to me and I'm the one who has to do something about it? At the same time...I'm trying to do something about me in all of this and not let that get me all tangled up in a knot?
Ability it seems..is dependent on many things and sometimes...necessity is the mother of invention? Either that or you do nothing which I know from experience with this...is a real problem in itself? But in lue of doing nothing or waiting....this is the source of conflict and contention right there and where "choice" gets confusing? What to do..and which choice to make? Not making a choice in mind...is the same as doing nothing at all and just waiting for things to fall out of the sky and drop in your lap? lol Wishful thinking...I'm afraid?
J
What my fiancé bothers me with...
Submitted by sensativa on
1. Stonewalling me, deflecting his emotions on me and storming off in discussions or perceived conflicts, sometimes in front of my family and not even caring about that.
2. His parents probably seeing me as a witch because my fiancé tells them what he THINKS I said / did / thought instead of just asking and trying to understand what I ACTUALLY said / did / thought.
3. Him thinking his parents getting involved in our arguments was completely valid and "normal" for couples to do. (They don't do this anymore, thank God, but this used to happen extremely often...)
4. Him thinking we can have a normal relationship despite not being to talk about anything more serious than video games, the newest YouTube videos, the weather or casual things friends talk about without him "stonewalling" or refusing to talk about it. (Not saying partners can't have just casual conversations, but when that's ALL you can have, it's a bit frustrating).
5. Him never planning things and leaving it up to me to plan and take action, and if I don't I'm the one that "doesn't want to do anything".
He's a great guy, but that does not automatically mean I always consider him a good future husband. I'm sorry if it sounds incredibly harsh, but I can barely keep my sanity intact when these things happen.