I'm married and have three step children. I basically raised all of them and they do know who their father is but he has never played a role in their life. So here it is; my wife has been diagnosed with ADHD, and her daughter and son.
Im in a position where I feel like my wife is always protecting her kids all the time! I'm constantly fighting with her son where I feel the need to put my hands on him physically and he's 17. He manipulates his mother and she always defends him when he's wrong. He never does his chores or anything that I ask him to do he does half way. He's lazy, he's never on time , he lies, and he's always twisting my words to his favor in front of his mother.
My wife takes no initiative to do anything around the house. She's sleeps all the time. She always does things last minute , and according to her everything is my fault. My fault because I tell them something is wrong with them and they do not operate like normal people. Mind you my wife is taking medication for ADHD but I see no change. She will not let her son be diagnosed with it because she wants him to go to the military. ADHD runs in there family. Her sister has it, brother, niece, father, other brother and other family members.
I have lived with them for so much time knowing the problem but nothing ever seems to change. I've been to marriage counseling and the only one that attempts to change is me. I'm constantly changing but nobody else wants to change and things remain the same. I'm stressed , aggravated and losing my dam mind in here and I want out. But my wife does not make enough money to support herself so I'd feel bad if I left. I do love her but enough is enough. Her son has pushed me over the limit to the point where I don't even speak to him anymore.
I guess im looking for anyone who can identify with anything close I might be going through something similar and offer some advice.
I can relate to your
Submitted by Hopeful Heart on
I can relate to your situation. I have read that the military is a good career for people with adhd because of the structured environment. It would also be a good opportunity for him to learn respect and self discipline. He would also have to learn to stand on his own two feet without his mother covering up for him. I'm assuming he has one more year of high school? Does he want to go into the military? Does he have any physical problems that would prevent him from being accepted into the military? If you could make it just one more year until he's able to enter the military, that might be the best thing for him. He needs a solid plan for his future at this point.
Plans
Submitted by ebecoat01 on
Actually he plans on going to the Air Force. The difference in the equation would be his mother wont be around to come to his aid all the time. I actually cant wait until he goes to be honest because I know hes going to have a rough time being on time, complying with standards and he will actually see that everything ive been telling him this whole time will be in his face 24-7.
Thank you for you responding to my post. I found this website yesterday and im just looking for people that can relate with what im going through because I honestly feel like im in a world by myself sometimes
Welcome to my world....
Submitted by c ur self on
I married after I was widowed about 9 years ago...My daughters were grown and married...My stepson's were 21 and 16...Their Mother, my wife had never been married...She to has clinical level adhd, and medicates in order to do her job...So does the youngest Son, but nothing like my wife...The oldest may have it, but, again nothing like his mother....
Most everything you said I too have dealt with....Counselor? all she wanted to do was use him as an expensive referee, Never in 8.5 months did see say or show interest in seeing herself, and asking for help...She lives in a mind of Denial and Blame....Any time she doesn't like something it's always someone else's fault (being a spouse will always make us an easy target)...Lazy; does very little in the house...Lays in bed or in the recliner watching TV or playing on Facebook when she isn't at work much of the time...Sex; will do it every now and again just out of guilt w/ a victim mindset and wanting to rush and complain..It's not worth it anymore!...Hasn't initiated it since the first year of our marriage, even after the counselor told her it was her responsibility to as much as mine...
She has kept her same Job for 30 years, She also has her empty house that she is paying a mortgage on...She has never been willing or able to get rid of much of anything...She tries from time to time, but she will just look at me and say; You just don't know how hard that was for me...Has hoarding tendencies to go a long with the laziness..
.I retired (was able to after 37 years) at age 56 (about 4 years ago) just to stay sane, and be able to handle all the things at home... Because it is up to me if it gets done...She wants to control everything and everybody....
Now saying all this...I will add that about 4 years ago we were separated for 11 months...I was very angry, and very bitter!...And during that time I realized, I had to be healed, and what it would take for me to live with her...So I lost all expectations for her and just accepted the way she was going to live...So I set up boundaries, and I mange my life with no thought of her to share in it....She does of course in many things, and it can seem almost normal around here at times...But her priorities have always been the next shiny thing she desires, and her two son's and her two sisters and their families...She made them her world, and her trip down the alter, didn't change her thinking or her life style at all....Reality my friend!
She has no ability (or desire it seems) to make me and the marriage the priority it should be...I've learned to just not participate in many of the trips and activities where she is around her side of the family. Times where I know she will hyper focus on them, lose site of her marriage, and leave me abandoned....She can't help it as for as I can tell...I guess it's just mental illness, adhd, insecurities or all of the above...I quit arguing with her, and have about quit pointing out anything she does...I might remind her once kindly about things, but, that's about it...
I could leave, but I know deep down I hadn't done all I could do, to limit the conflict and accept her life, (until this past year) and just move on with my own....So because of Jesus, I am in a much healthier place these days....I don't expect her to see what I see or think like I think...I've learned to not react to her behaviors for the most part...I use to get all worked up when she got worked up...Now; I will just quietly listen when we pull away from some place, and she jumps into panic mode, while she scrambles looking into her huge messy purse or grabbing at her back pockets, all panicked looking for her iPhone...LOL...We will get about home from the places we go or people we visit, and someone will text us a photo of her purse, or she will notice she forgot it about the time we pull in the drive way....I've learned to not do anything or say anything...I just back out and go get it....It's just part of living with her in an understanding manner....Her attributes will keep you busy:)...Yep, if you can't learn to not enable, and not reflect their emotions, or expect them to see or think like you do...It will be a tough life....
I have to keep my focus on just loving her in the ways, her life style will allow it...And its vital to differentiate between Love and Enablement...Love can be tough, but, tough love is all that can bring awareness at times....
Also I've learned it want kill you to live in a messy house, with all the flat surfaces covered :)....We don't share finances among many other boundaries... Because of the way she lives it has ended any hope of selling her old house and mine and having our own....Things she talks about, but is completely incapable of putting legs on...So I've accepted the reality of just living out my life here (or hers) and I'm putting money into this place to keep it up....She will use you up (coming up with idea's and plans that will always fall on you to do the work, never fall for that) if you let her.
I think the only reason she married me is because I am a Christian and she was hoping I could give her two grown Son's a Father's Love, something they never had...And something that produced a lot of guilt in her...
The 26 year old is still very immature because she want tell him to go be a man...I've tried to show him, and instruct him on being a responsible adult, but she just enables him...If it was up to her she would turn him into a complete invalid running behind him, Of course she can't see it, and refuses to hear it....But I must say, under the circumstances they are becoming great young men..They moved to another town about 3 or 4 years ago to go to college, and that was probably the best thing they could have done for themselves, and it is probably one of the reasons we are still together...They are smart and are starting to step up to the plate..They have had other friends and good influence's around them...
In my opinion, my wife doesn't really love me, I'm not sure she understands or is capable of it either...People who must control and make rules in their marriage relationship (instead of trust and openness) will never experience the beauty of true love and intimacy in their marriage...She is life living with a messy female roommate that comes and goes and makes plans without considering me....She will call or set down and tell me what she is planning and to help her conscience she will say I want you to do this with me:)
Like I said I've learned to say No...She has told me before that she has to put the marriage on hold when she is around her side of the family...No thanks! I'm more important than that...Her family is terrible at enabling her and ignoring her behavior...(They don't have to go home with her) There is a lot of conflict among them at times, then she will use my ear to point their problems, See she never has any..LOL...I don't want no part of it...I will visit from time to time, with her (holidays etc) but, I drive separate to some things...Just so I can get away from all the drama....
I hear you ebecoat01...And I also live it...So I have great empathy for you!....
Yes you can leave or you can just learn to find your own life....(Some times we can loose our selves when we get over whelmed with their intrusive life styles) Not enable, Not let yourself get drug into conversations that will always start with defensiveness, and ends in arguments and blame...A person who want own their own reality ( or isn't capable of it) will never be able to calmly discuss it....Many people who lives in this kind of mind has a very low self esteem and carries a lot of shame. That is what is producing their thinking and life style many times..It makes it almost impossible for them to be self aware....So it is just much easier for them to feel better about them selves by just blame others....Or turning to to fixing others....
When I started dealing with myself to be accountable for my own actions and reactions. Instead living with a reality that she was destroying my life...My life got much better!
A person who can't control themselves, will always live to control others.....A person can dodge their responsibilities; but they can't dodge the effects of dodging them....There is always a price to pay as my wife is finding out since I quit allowing myself to be manipulated into enabling, since I refused to ever engage her at a level of emotion that she can turn it own me....It's the only way she has been able to see her self to some degree...When I walk away, and never take what is hers on myself...Still learning!
Blessings friend...
C
Deep
Submitted by ebecoat01 on
Those were some deep thoughts and real moments. As I read what you wrote im just shaking my head like yes, yes yes! I can relate to that! LOL My wife never owns up to anything and blames everyone else and anyone else bu herself for all her mistakes. I don't like pointing the finger any anyone but I'm a firm believer in owning up to what you've done wrong or right. What's right is right and what's wrong is wrong.
Today I find myself just being quiet. I don't entertain any of the drama. But at the same time I get childish in ways where I want pay back for putting me though this bullshit. So I find ways to get my wife back, I find ways to get my step son back. I say childish because maybe I'm wrong. But maybe I'm wrong for doing something that is right.
For example; my step son is starting his senior year next year. So in his mind I already know what hes thinking as hes a easy person to read; hes thinking I'm going to pay for his clothes etc. In my mind I'm like your on your own brother! Payback for all the BS you putting me through on a daily basis manipulating situations knowingly. Another example: We are currently moving but the rest of the family left before me. They have all known we were moving since January 1 , 2017. To me that means months of planning and packing and coordination. Well yesterday they left and I just watched all of them struggle because they waited to the day of to pack. Moving with no plan and didn't know how to utilize space. I sat there quietly knowing I could have easily solved the issue for them but I said nah! Let them figure it out on there own. See I knew this would happen months ago because they are all the same and move the same. Their priorities were on everything else but what it should have been on. Inside I laughed and shook my head.
ebecoat01
Submitted by c ur self on
It's OK to allow a person to take the medicine of their choosing...Same here, If we are having quests around a holiday...I will do a few things along to get ready, so the day of the gathering I can visit and just do my share of the cooking and cleaning...She will get up the morning of and attack it....Now...Not Now....That's fine, but, when she can't get it all done guess who she wants to use? Just like you, I know it's coming, and even predict it to them....So I've found its better for me to get out of ear shot when she is in this hyper last minute emotional state....It's wisdom!
As for wanting to get even...LOL...That's the biggest hurdle for sure....We are only human...But, I must refrain from that kind of thinking....You and I must be able to say NO...with no emotion...Knowing to enable their poor behavior will make sure it's repeated....It's the same for all us....
I heard this saying a while back, and it is true....."There is no right way, to do the wrong thing"...It come from a man in prison, I put it on my frig..:)
C
I Might Make a Suggestion
Submitted by kellyj on
First, let me say that I can relate to pretty much, most of what you said, but there are some things that are concerning to me in the way you've chosen to word your situation. I'll give you an example of something that took place just this morning as a means to show you what I'm seeing?
My wife has a tendency and more of a pattern, of doing the same thing each day when she wakes up. To fill in here for a moment, I've agreed that when I get up from the front room that we share together, that as she words it "pick up after myself". Of course, it almost goes without saying, that having ADHD this is a struggle for me to do all the time perfectly without fail. I am very aware of this issue and I own my end of the deal. I do miss things on occasion, but for the most part I hold up my end of the bargain aside from the few times I fail to do so. This is simply par for the course having ADHD in fact, it's a known fact that being inconsistent is the Hallmark of having ADHD. It goes with the territory as they say and there is no denying it what so ever. I own my ADHD and everything that goes with it including my inconsistent times where ever they happen. No fighting or arguing or making excuses. I own it, I admit it and I do something about it right then and there without hesitation. I don't avoid the issue, I don't deny it and I make sure when ever anything is mentioned that I do something about it. No ifs ands or buts on my end. I don't give my wife any flack about what I do and when I fail to uphold our bargain and I always make good on it, but I can't say I can always do it, right then when she points it out? Many times I will simply forget, but also, many times she will change the rules of our negotiation ..which seems to me she is attempting to re-write history? What I mean by re-writing history is...she say "pick up after myself" as he means to tell me what I've done. This appear to me a very broad and sweeping statement and is not specific in the details which is exactly what I need to know? When I ask "in what way did I fail to pick up after myself?". She will get angry and start chastising me as if I was a little kid. Talking down to me a very disrespectful and over-bearing way? Chastising is said, as means to berate someone in a negative complaining fashion...with a "beating". It's very abusive language as her means to simply answer a simple straight forward question? You could use terms like "brow beating" or "ball busting" which is basically saying the same thing as "chastising".
Here are some facts of our situation to fill this in better for you. We've been to counseling for a while, and the last time in after many talks about this, our counselor gave us some very basic and simple instructions to alleviate this situation in a positive encouraging way? As he put it, "to make changes to your relationship together, you need to create and environment of trust and mututal respect." As he said this, he said " I will give you three things "not to do " with each other which are: No chasitizing, no negative comments or complaining about each other," and to discuss together, just the "not to do's" with each person having a chance to say what they don't want from the other person as means to speak about specifics that each person needs for the other person not to do? Chastising was the first one on the list. Or "brow beating"....or "ball busting"...if you can picture this coming from your wife from your postilion as a man in this case.
The fact of the matter are as he explained that "Chastising" is a highly disrespectful means to take a dominant position over someone as a parent would with a child. It is actually talking down to someone in the position they take, and then driving that position home with a "beating" in a very abusive way. As he put it, it is the language of abuse which is why he said this absolutely must stop. From my position, as this comes through to me....she sounds like a "harpie" and a very negative one at that? Besides, I'm not a child and if you could imagine some woman walking up to you on the street and laying into you, for missing the garbage can when you went to toss your food wrapper and hit the rim and fell to the ground, but didn't notice it as you passed by and there you are waiting for the bus, and this stranger comes up to you and lays into you and gives you a piece of her mind.
Saying "Who do you think you are! You just littered and that's against the law!! Your ruining the environment by throwing you garbage on the ground like you just did!! I sat here and watched you do it, what do you have to say for yourself!! What a horrible disrespectful person, I hate litter bugs and you are a fowl person because of what you just did!! So...what do you have to say for yourself??" as she's basically in your face standing right in front of you when this occurs. "Fuck You?" ...is probably what I'd say in response? And if she wouldn't get the hint I might say "get the Hell out my face you shriveled old bag, Beat it and leave me alone." If you can imagine standing at a bus stop and not even realizing you miss the garbage can the the paper you threw in there hit the rim and fell to the ground. What else would you do? The fact of the matter in this scenario....I am not accustomed to strange women getting in my face at a bus stop and laying into me like that which is why I would respond the way I did? And all the while I'm just listening to this and haven't said a word...I'm hearing "Who the Hell do you think you are"....and I'm thinking the same thing of her? Before I've even opened my mouth. Highly disrespectful, presumptions and completely rude and very abusive indeed. I might even add into it if I said anything at all, would be "Hit the road bitch, sounds like a personal problem". And in a scenario like that, the last thing I would do, would be to go pick up the food wrapper just to spite this angry negative person so as not to comply with her "chastising" of me, and would probably punctuate this by picking up my belongings and moving as far away from this person as I could and wouldn't say another word. If she followed after me and still wasn't done, I'd probably keep looking away from her but hold my middle finger up in her face and continue to ignore her and not acknowledge her again what so ever? If she kept on me still or ramped up her behavior and kept insisting I do something about my food wrapper...I would stone wall her and do nothing more and completely ignore her until my bus came. And then I would purposefully sit as far away from this person as I could, and never look at her again.
The facts of this situation I created is not all that much different than what I experienced this morning with my wife. But in respect to me with a street person...my thoughts to go with it, would be something like this. I'd be thinking first a) what is wrong with this person. b) I'm not taking anything this person says onto myself since she clearly is deranged in some way, and is blowing this way out of proportion. Accusing first, before she has the facts if she thought that I just did that on purpose after she watched me do it? I mean really, how hard would it be to see someone tossing a paper at the public waste container as they walked by and carelessly missed the rim but didn't notice it didn't go in? It was an attempt, but obviously it missed it's mark and in respect to me owing it....I could easily say I was careless and didn't make sure that my food wrapper made it into the garbage can? My only mistake, was not paying attention. So anything else that this woman said...other than "you missed the garbage can"...would be false and untrue since I clearly tried and missed and didn't notice it not going in. And the fact of the matter is, in a public place like that, I'd be less apt to just toss the paper like a basket ball and more typically place it in more carefully since I don't like to litter myself. At home however, in my day to day life, there is no "litter law" inside my house and I might be more apt to do something like that and then not notice or pay close enough attention to it, since I live inside my house 24/7 and this is more that inconsistent nature of ADHD. I always try to do it, and make an attempt...and 9 times out of 10 I do it....but miss a certain percentage of the time. Like 10% or something, but the rest of the time I comply as I should. And the fact of the matter is...with my wife, she is not some deranged street person getting in my face out of the blue. And the fact that I own this, and I make no bones about it...any time she points out where I miss the target like that, I always try and make up for it.....no "Fuck You's" about it. But after repeated beratings and chastizings like that, I start to cop and attitude and my thoughts are the same. I'm listening to a crazed "harpie" who's lost her mind!! And eventually, I'll lose it after I asked her in so many words and in so many ways I can possibly do....not to chastize me like a child for the very few times I don't do it or miss, compared to the vast majority of times that I do? 1 miss, will send her in orbit and she becomes that crazy street lady who I finally tell to "back off!!" I rarely say, Fuck You to my wife...but in a moment of weakness...I have done that before under these exact same circumstances. I've reduced my responses to this...by not saying anything and silently complying with her without acknowledging anything she says. I do not take on anything onto myself, that is not true nor accurate...especially when it comes with an abusing disrespectful tongue lashing like that? I ignore it and her...as if, she doesn't even exist. I will not fight nor argue nor will I even acknowledge her as if she wasn't even there and I completely ignore her. But I did commit to my end of the bargain, I will follow through always with what we agreed on and the words that come out of my mouth. In silence, with no acknowledgement of her, when she is doing it in an abusive fashion, in a lording over and disrespectful way. I am 100% responsible for the words that come out of my mouth, so after I take responsibility ( in this case, go pick up the food wrapper and place it in the garbage ) I will go right back to what I was doing, as if she doesn't even exist. Not until she learns how to speak to me respectfully, will I ever acknowledge or take anything she says in and onto myself. I own my words...I do not own hers. What ever her personal problem is, in speaking to me in this way, is her problem...not mine. My problem is ADHD and making sure I go back and take care of anything I miss like that on occasion but for the most part...I've gotten very good at following through on my agreements and in addition, making sure I own up to anything I said right then on the spot or ASAP is I can't do it right then when this is pointed out to me. I always to that, without fail on my part.
The reality of our situation is clear, and I've confirmed this with my counselor to make sure he validates what I am seeing? My wife is a control freak with some real perfectionist OCD type behaviors. She tends to act things out, instead of speaking up front and honest in an adult fashion and is actually coming across to me in a very child like manner of communicating with me as I see her and as she communicates with me. But she takes on this aire and position as if she is the "adult" but it's all an act and it's so painfully obvious that she is the one acting like a child in this case. A very victim like child, who is having a temper tantrum and needing to kick the dog in frustration. There is always a component of disciplining and punishing that she almost has to do....as if, she's decided...that I need to be punished, This is that "chastising" and "berating" she does....like parent to a child when in fact...she's the one acting out like a child and trying to control everything. The bottom line here, is she is attempting to guilt and shame me into doing what she wants and this is so painfully obvious to me....that its really no problem just to watch this spectacle and almost laugh it's so ridiculous to see? Not only do I not take any of this on to myself, I literally laughing at her inside me but silently, and I keep that to myself. She really is like child's play...if I wanted to play that little girl game with her, but I have learned that anything I say, will only come back and bite me and that would be like shooting myself in the foot to even acknowledge her in the first place. Not until she grows up and acts and speaks to my like an adult to an adult, will I pay any attention to her, since this is really what shes after. Pay attention ...to 'me". She's just doing it all wrong in exactly the way I described.
So when I see her say, will you "pick up after yourself" in these broad generalized statements, but then will actually pick the thing up herself as a means to shame or guilt me...it really is laughable to see what a shallow and obvious and quite weak attempt, to punish ( with a chastising ) for being a bad boy, and trying to make me feel guilty, while the entire time I'm laughing at her, but I never say a word. She is quite ridiculous and obvious when she does this...and what she is really trying to do. The fact of the matter is, she has no control of herself, and she needs things perfect, or she starts to come unglued. 100% compliance, 100% of the time....means failure 100%.even if you fail only once. No if's and or buts. If there is one food wrapper missed, one pair of shoes on the floor or one missed thing, out of all the things I don;t miss and I do and keep doing without fail....then in her mind.....I never do it.....I always don't do it.....never, always, everything ...forever and ever....in absolute terms. Always and never and everything....are vague and non descriptive terms that are simple not possible in reality? No one always or never does anything every time always. No one is perfect and that is really a completely unrealistic expectation of anyone. That is an absolutely true statement since, that would be impossible for anyone to do, Which is why this is so ridiculous and why it is not even close to being accurate, honest or truthful. To make a point. It's a joke really, if it weren't for the fact that it's really not funny at all.
That's how I take it and what I do about it? As my T has driven deep into my head...."never make anything you do, contingent on anyone one else." That is an absolute statement that I live by every day. No matter what, If I've done my part and lived up to my words and take full responsibility for my words....then if someone else is not living their life by my standards...their words fall flat on the floor as if their words do not even exit. No skin off my nose, but get out of my face in your failed attempt to punish me as if I was a child. I will speak up when that happens...and I don't have to be nice about it. No one said you have to be nice, to an abusive deranged person who is spewing nothing but "shit" out of their mouth? Nothing says I have to be nice, when someone disrespects me like that? And especially like this morning, when my wife failed in her agreement with me. We made an agreement in front of our counselor, that neither one of us would "chastise"...and she failed miserably. Respect is earned. You don't earn it, you don't get it. You've got to give to get in this world....no free lunch as they say?
J
Understandable
Submitted by ebecoat01 on
I understand what your saying and basically I should give everyone in my house an "E" for effort. I get it. I don't chastise my wife or son or daughter in that manner but I am on him constantly. Let me break it down more.
Wife - She doesn't like to make the bed in the morning which is annoying to me. It's not that she forgets she just blatantly tells me she doesn't want to do it. This gets on my nerves! I am use to waking up and making up my bed in the morning as that is every ones first accomplishment of the day. To me it just sets the tone, to her it just doesn't matter. She nit picks at me LOL for leaving my soap in a soap dish in the shower. She nit picks at me for having too many things such as electronics, sneakers and clothes. Mind you all my stuff is organized. She's a procrastinator all day everyday. Now this I will tell her about. But unlike you , when I tell her about something she does not stop in her tracks and do it. She just says I;ll get to it later. Later comes and goes for weeks.Example: She was suppose to throw away all her gardening things as we are moving. Shes known about it since Jan 2017. She left yesterday and guess where all the gardening stuff is at? Right on the deck, never touched or packed. Now guess who has to get rid of all that stuff? That's right me!
Son - Very lazy, Absent minded and never finishes a task. With him it's a daily routine of constantly reminding him to do the same exact thing everyday. Literally his chores never change! Walk the dogs, feed the dogs, clean the dog pad, empty the garbage, clean your room , clean your bathroom once a week. That's it. Sounds simple enough to me. Not to him though. Constantly I have to remind him do this, and you didn't do that and he gets upset with me because I wont let him go anywhere because it's not done. I tell him when everything is done you can go wherever you want go. The next problem is he wants to half ass do it. That doesn't fly with me. My thing is do it right the first time therefore I wont have you to it over and over and over. I tell him you cant clean to your standard because your standard is rush rush. My standard is its clean.
You said one key thing that stuck with me and that was that you own what you do wrong. These two in my house they don't own what they do wrong nor do they own and except ADHD. That my friend is the real problem.
Owning It.....Is a Real Problem
Submitted by kellyj on
That's really it too. It sound easy, but that is the hardest part in all of this, and it comes down to admitting there is something wrong with you, but in respect to the language, that is an important thing for someone who is in denial of how this effects other poeple. If you have to admit, that being the way you are is having a negative effect on people, or even hurting them at times, you'd also have to admit, that you can't just snap your fingers and make this happen. You'd have to admit to yourself first, that you aren't exactly the person you believe you are, and then suddenly...all those things that people have told you all your life are true and you'd have to concede that they were right? Right and wrong...becomes a big deal. It has taken me a good deal of time to process all of this through to then come to the realization, that "I'm not wrong" as a person, but sometimes I do the wrong thing on occasion? Not such a condemning life sentence, with a stigma or big "A" painted on your chest, that everyone can see. "Aldulterer" like in the book that I can't remember the title of.LOL "ADHD" written on the front of your T shirt, which I've seen and I wonder what that is all about except, it is owning it, but I think that's taking it too far? TMI...too much information. LOL But that is really what it's all about as far as carrying shame around with you. And just so you know, I'm the hyperactive type more than the inattentive type which comes with is own set of issues which is not exactly the same as someone who is inattentive. I am less, "inattentive" and more the "hyper". I have rarely been accused of being lazy and then some. I've always been on the go..and moving around a lot so that comes with it's own set of problems and less to do with not noticing things or being lethargic or "inactive" That's maybe a better way to see it. "Inactivity"...or ..."hyper activity". When I get on a roll...look out! LOL I can get a mountain of stuff done but then I will stop and move to other things but more so in my past since I've learned to direct myself better and use my time better as well?
If I had to condense this down from what you just said...I can make a suggestion for you which might help you out? Pick you battles and try and compromise as best you can? You mentioned the making of the bed is annoying to you and your wife basically says she doesn't want to. What I really want from my wife in all things, is to work with me, instead of against me and try and be accepting of what I say without having to go through a litany of reasons why? If she really doesn't want to make the bed, you can't make her do it? If that is not on her list of what's most important..and there could be another reason why in terms of committing to do it, and knowing she can't? For what ever reason, if remembering the make the bed first thing as you have learned to do as a habit since this is important to you? Consider how long ago, you learned to do it and what it took for you to learn it and develop that habit? Think about the first time, you got in a car and tried to drive it and how long it took to get all those coordinated motions in place to the point that you don't even have to think about it, compared to just keeping the car in the lane and trying not to hit anything while controlling the accelerator and the brake and making that all happen while you are trying to pay attention the rode signs...the speed limit, and looking in your mirrors all at the same time? Consider is, that making the bed regularly...had that kind of component involved and you knew you can't do it well, so in terms of a driving...you know you will crash? You might say.....I don't want to do it....but in fact, your afraid to commit to it knowing you''ll crash? Or you think you will, so you just say...."I don't want to?" The fact is...your afraid you'll fail, and there is so much shame involved from the past you carry with you....you just can't stand another failure to add to the already long list to begin with? I really don't like to make the bed either but for me....when I was suppose to learn it, if was just so exhausting as a kid to have to do it and remember it and my mom just let that one slide. My mom did enable me, but she was also a neat freak in that respect, and she took her job as one to keep the house so she just did it for me and let that one go? I had to clean my room and do that too but I did it always on one day ( Saturday ) on the weekend and just once a week instead? Anything I have to do every day without fail....just added a another level of difficulty to it, that I just could not maintain? My mom just gave up and did it for me but here's what I have to say about that? As soon as I moved my room from upstairs to down strairs in the house where I grew up....no one saw my room anymore and my mom stopped doing it for me? And I didn't do it...because I really didn't care that much? It really didn't bother me....and if no could see it including my mom....she didn't care either? Se la Vie....no big deal? It really isn't important or an item on my list of importance....so I might say as just an example....you might pick that battle and just do it yourself. Just the bed in this case....if that is what is most important to you and your wife says....I don't want to? Why fight about the bed? In the big scheme of things...is it really more important to you ( the annoyance ) than just letting that one go and not making a federal case about it? That doesn't mean you are being an enabler....but you are saying it out loud and making a deal....saying "I'll own the bed....if you own something else that is really important". One that she may pick herself, as something she wants equally as well? In fact, allowing her to pick if you come to her with that offer...is actually making a deal up front...and that one becomes yours? You own the bed...."but here's the deal I have for you?
Negotiation and compromise...and you're taking the lead and setting the example for her to follow? Follow? LOL It works if you can do it that way instead. And that's being respectful too, in more ways than one?
J
Negotiation & Compromise
Submitted by ebecoat01 on
I hear you loud and clear. I can own the bed not a problem. I've actually already owned it to be honest. It's just I go to work early while she's sleeping so the annoyance is when I get home to see it undone. To me it's like here we go just one more thing for me to do today when I'm tired coming home from work. But, I have owned the making up the deal issue.
Negotiating and Compromises work both ways. I've tried this before but it didn't work. I always hold up my end of the bargain and everyone else doesn't. You really gave some good analogies when breaking this down. I'm trying not to sound so flawless but I'm one of those people I just get things the first go round. I truly understand that everyone is different and we all learn different. I definitely understand that everyone does not think like me either. I say that to say this; it's all about holding up your end of the bargain. I'll break it down this way. I look at my family as a basketball team and everyone has their part to play on the court. Whether offense or defense. I know everyone's strong points as well as their weakness. What I try to do is exploit the strengths in each person. So, my son is hyper active/ inactive. My wife is inactive. My step daughter you really can't tell she's ADHD. My blood daughter is hyperactive.
So what I have here is scale the leans up and down daily, weekly, monthly. It drives me crazy to not know how to approach each person daily. So the best I can do is be quiet and listen. I use to argue but that got me no place. I use to scream and yell that got me no place. I've talked calmly that didn't work either. So I'm stuck saying to myself if I've tried everything it's now time for them to want to change within themselves. I cannot make anyone change as can anyone else. As I tell them it has to be something you want to yourself for yourself. I tell them don't change for me it's all about you.
Your advice is the bomb! Real shit!
You made a key statement here ebecoat01....
Submitted by c ur self on
( I cannot make anyone change as can anyone else. As I tell them it has to be something you want to yourself for yourself. I tell them don't change for me it's all about you.)
You are so much like myself, and your situation is so much like mine has been for the past 9 years....And the one thing that I use to do and still do at times that you are doing and stating in these posts...Is trying to teach, encourage, and discipline your family into having a desire to be responsible to encourage them to have good habits and take the time do things faithfully and correctly....And this is admirable. I also thought it was something I should do, and tried to do it myself....But the problem comes when you and and I invest to the point we suffer emotionally when a person isn't capable, or just don't give a shit (excuse my French, but it is what it is) how they live or what the results of their trail through this life looks like....Yes, if you and I and anyone else in our situation can control our emotions and be at peace as we teach and encourage responsibility then we can have a good life and live it well...But if we live and die w/ the results of an ADHD mind and how much we can encourage them to live right, and do differently, we will be of all people most miserable...And possibly even abusive....
C
My 17 year old son has ADHD
Submitted by Hopeful Heart on
My 17 year old son has ADHD and ODD (oppositional defiant disorder). ODD occurs a lot in conjunction with ADHD. Kids with this condition hate authority and hate rules. It makes life genuinely miserable. We have made a lot of progress with my son. I wrote about it in a thread titled "Futility" if you'd like to read how we have dealt with it. It's a long thread. My response about ODD is near the end.
Thank You!
Submitted by ebecoat01 on
Thank you! I'll look for you thread right now. Although I have given up this kid I really didn't want to, but if I didnt things were going to get bad for him and most likely worse for me.