I'm here looking for encouragement, the kind all of us could use sometimes. My ADHD husband and I are separated right now so he can try to take care of himself for a while and get treatment. Mostly he's trying really hard and doing fairly well. It's great that we are separated, because I don't have the discipline to truly let him "sink or swim" and suffer his consequences when the problems are right there in front of me, or I can see them coming from a mile away. Let me give you an example, and hopefully someone will chime in with some encouragement. I'm also posting this so we can all learn and gather suggestions to stay strong together as we break habits and change enabling, destructive behavior.
My husband got a DUI last year and recently had a breathalyzer installed on his car for his restricted license. He called me this morning, angry at the world, because he drank too much last night to start his car this morning, and now he can't get to work. He's expressing anger/frustration at me because I couldn't postpone my meeting, drop everything and drive across town to drive him to work. Not my problem right? I tried to sound sympathetic, and I do feel badly for him, but his attitude made it hard not to be annoyed. Apparently its the machine's fault for being so strict, or the state's fault that he can't drink what he considers a normal amount and pass in the morning, or my fault for not being able to bail him out. I always feel that underneath he's really mad at himself and will realize that later, but I wonder how much he's ever going to take accountability for his mistakes.
So, I presume he's sitting at home, or trying to start the car, making excuses to his bosses (thankfully they really like him), or on his way to work, while I await another teleconference. I just don't want to feel bad today, or guilty, or mean. It's my little girls first birthday today and minus that phone call, I've been in a wonderful mood. I'm hoping venting here will help me get back and stay there :)
It's hard for me not to feel bad or guility, even harder not to move heaven and earth to bail him out. I guess we can't take steps forward without pushing ourselves sometimes, right?
totally know what you mean
Submitted by ccompton on
I am totally with you on where to draw the line when your hubby has set himself up *again*. Should be bail them out over and over or let them suffer the natural consequences. I always feel so guilty when I let my hubby suffer the consequences. But I have to remember that that is the codependency that I have in this relationship. And I am working on that. I have a very long way to go but I am getting there!
Ditto
Submitted by mixedup on
I'm trying to find the line! I've been codependent and neglected myself for so long that I don't recognize where the line should be. I find that I'm receiving a HUGE pushback whenever I try to establish boundaries (there has't been boundaries for 20 years). I reached a tipping point a couple of years back when I collapsed and was hospitalized. I am seeing a therapist to help me determine where the boundaries should be and to help me take care of me, but the boundary work is really hard work. It was a knock out, drag out, dogfight just to get my husband to make an appointment for therapy. He finally did, but holy cow. CCompton: since you're working on your codependency, do you have any advice?
pushback boundary testing
Submitted by brendab on
When you see this pushback, just remind yourself that it is a normal reaction to your changing behavior. The problems that cause us to fortify boundaries also cause the boundary buster to fortify his desire for no change. He likes things the way they are.
The more consistent you are in fortifying your boundaries, the quicker the other person will surrender. If they find you are inconsistent, it just encourages them to continue their effort to keep those boundaries very weak or non existent. If you are not going to be consistent, then you are wasting your time trying to establish boundaries. You will not be respected and you will actually encourage the very behavior you are trying to stop.
For me it was hard to even know what boundaries were missing. it was a blur because they had been missing for so long. What helped me was to think back to when I was truly optimistic and happy. I discovered that I was no longer taking care of me because I was so busy being available for everyone else. I started taking 4 hours a week for myself and I got the pushback you are talking about. It isn't a calculated pushback, but more the fact that I had trained them to expect me to fix their problems. They had to learn not to lean on me so much. It is hard to set new boundaries, not only for yourself but for those who are having to accept your new boundary.
You have really made progress just to understand that there is a need for boundaries and that you have some weak ones. Take some time googling lists of values and as you read the list, write down the ones that jump off the page at you. these are likely your personal values. then I'd talk to my counselor about how to form boundaries to protect these values.
What you can do is create a prioritized list of areas where your boundaries are weak. Then start with 1-2 at the top of the list and make your mind up that they are nonnegotiable. Remind yourself why they are nonnegtiable, how the weak boundary has hurt you. I would carry something on me to remind me what boundary I was working on.
Tell your inner child that you absolutely promise them that you will protect her and those 2 boundaries are there to stay. Once you have fortified those 1-2, then add another until you have ALL the ones that protect your values and create inner peace for you.
Brenda
Good advice, Brenda. Thank
Submitted by mixedup on
Good advice, Brenda. Thank you so much! I'll keep working on it
Good advice, Brenda
Submitted by Flower Lady on
It's really tough sticking to your guns and setting those boundaries....consistency is SO important. My husband is still disbelieving that I mean it when I say you have to move out. I gave him the "move-out-by" date and will stick to it no matter what even if I have to pack his things myself.
Putting self first is hard...esp for women. We're nurturers and typically put ourselves at the bottom of the to-do list. It took me awhile to grow a backbone and push back, but I am SO glad I did. I respect myself for not backing down anymore and requiring change...and no excuses. My husband's denial is so disappointing, but it's his life and he has to live with himself...I don't.
you are doing him a favor
Submitted by brendab on
Flower Lady,
I know that you totally understand because your post sounds very rational, although you admit that you are disappointed. He probably disbelieves you because this is relatively new behavior. If you were like me, you had long history of caving into his promises because you soooo much wanted them to be true. Maybe this will be his wake up call.
I think you are right that women are nurturers and this inborn nature leads us to equate "doing for others" as loving them. (a little of this is good, but overdoing is the problem). And you are right we find ourselves on the bottom of the list with no one to nurture us. I think I spent a lot of time blaming my ex husband for not nurturing me when I should have tried to find ways to stop the overdoing. So the solution is to nurture ourselves.
My ex ADD boyfriend taught me something about how I was overdoing and hurting myself in the process. One night my two kids and their two friends were going to be able to stay for dinner. This is very unusual in our busy family-they are all grown up now. So after working 8 hours, I start preparing a thanksgiving style meal. We eat and then everyone scatters leaving me the dishes. I then had to drive one of them somewhere and by the time I got home it was 10pm and I was totally exhausted, sad and angry that I had to put everything away and do the dishes. I felt badly that this wonderful evening was marred by my new frustrated attitude.
My ex ADD boyfriend very kindly sat me down after I had vented and told me that I should reconsider overdoing like I was. he told me that if he had a situation like that, he would have chosen a very simple dinner on paper plates and spent the evening resting. I realized he was right--I chose this insanity because I wanted to make things special for everyone, but I paid a huge price physically and emotionally.
So now I stop myself when I get these grand ideas of overdoing and remember his advice . He was telling me to give myself permission to nurture myself first.
Brenda
Time will tell
Submitted by Flower Lady on
:)
Time will tell
Submitted by Flower Lady on
I guess I'm so disappointed because I really thought he was better than he is...more willing to put family and marriage first. I feel sad for him because he just doesn't see what's truly important in life. Family. I finally realized that I cannot change him, and that the only person I could change was me. That's exactly what I've done and am moving on with my life. At 50 years old and after 26 years of marriage it's time for me to be good to myself. I overdid things like you and I, too, paid the price. No more....when Mom ain't happy nobody's happy...:)) So...Mom is going to be happy.
Flower Lady, you're an
Submitted by mixedup on
Flower Lady, you're an inspiration!
Advice
Submitted by ccompton on
My only advice is to stay strong and if I ever get there I will let you know - haha! I have been keeping a journal, writing down things that happen and how I feel. My hubby is a manipulator extreme and can talk circles around me because I am constantly doubting myself. With this journal, I can keep things straight in MY head. I am working with a counselor who, at first, made me mad. She made it seem like this was my problem - not his. The more I thought about it - it is my problem and I chose to stay with him. I cannot change him, I can only change myself. A good friend once told me - s__t or get off the pot. You have to educate yourself on what codependency is and try to wrap your brain around it then you can make changes. I am working very hard at just standing back and letting my husband experience natural consequences for the ADD things he does or doesn't do but I am also picking my battles. This morning I noticed that he left his keys in my van - should I take them back into him or should I let him try to find them for 2 hours? I took them back in after thinking about it for 3 minutes. I don't want to be mean to him. It is tough.
a definition of feeling guilty
Submitted by brendab on
I know exactly what you mean about feeling guilty because I lived most of my 56 years doing stuff because I felt "guilt". During my divorce I mentioned feeling guilty about not doing something for somebody. The counselor said, "Let's examine your guilt. Did you do anything that broke a moral law?" of course I said No. Then he said, "from now on the only things you should feel guilty about are breaking moral laws. When you feel this false guilt, ask yourself "did I break a moral law?"
This simple practice helped me to put away the false guilt I was carrying because someone else was merely experiencing natural consequences. Over time I began to realize that I was actually hurting them by stopping this process and I didn't want to do that anymore.
Brenda
great questions to ask yourself when feeling guilty
Submitted by happycamper13 on
brenda, you rock for all the concrete suggestions! the boundary thing is hard and something i was working on well before i met my husband. it's easy to backslide and get sucked back into the guilt. i like the "moral law" test question. i had a great therapist put me off a little while handing me another "test" question i've used ever since to catch myself from falling too far:
She said, "what makes you think you are so important that everything could be your fault?" My response was defensiveness for about a millisecond, then a smile and huge sense of relief.