Hi folks,
I'm the ADHD husband. I just got diagnosed and on meds in March of this year. I also am bi-polar 1 and have been on meds for the past 18 or so months.
My focus and energy are better and I'm seeing the needle move on some behavior stuff and others I still struggle with.
My wife and I will be celebrating our 25th anniversary in 3 weeks. Our story is very similar to others on this site where I exhibited many of the actions and attitudes of a mentally ill person who was not getting treatment or medicine. Those actions and attitudes 100% affected my family in a negative way.
I know now my triggers for anger are rejection, comparison and being found wanting, feeling less than, and put downs regarding my intelligence. I just learned this last week.
My question: last November I called my wife while I was out of town and she was upset. I asked why and she grew heated and hung up on me. She wrote a long angry email saying I will never change and that I had talked big about an anniversary trip and done nothing and now she didn't even want to go and that a lot of her friends were going overseas for anniversaries and if I had done right she could go as well.
I had been working on getting my passport and a budget and looking for flights. I hadn't talked much about it because she said she wants actions not words and I wanted to have most of a plan together before talking to her.
When I read that email I was triggered, it hit all points, and I tossed all my work and didn't bring up a trip at all or talk about our anniversary.
She's right. In the past I have done those things, talk about X and not execute or just say something to please her and forget or just plain forget. Money is tight. I don't have the same capacity as our friend's husbands.
How do I apologize for this? I feel like I should say something. I can't apologize for having ADHD or bi-polar but can or should I apologize for being ignorant of the WHY behind throwing out my plans? I do not want to blame her. I reacted to her words but I don't think she is responsible for my reaction. She can say or do whatever she wants and I still need to respond correctly.
I'm a people pleaser and hate and am scared of anger and confrontation. I do want to do the right thing though regardless of her response.
Difficult expectations
Submitted by Swedish coast on
You have my sympathy Quercus. I'm a non-ADD wife who have seen most of my hopes and dreams wear down during 20+ years of marriage.
Of course your wife is upset if you made her expect an anniversary trip. Would it help, though, if you told her about your secret travel plans (a lot more than I would ever hope for from my husband)? And maybe explain how ADHD makes good intentions fail ever so often?
In our marriage, it's all been about starting over. Conversations gone bad, escalating fights, it has all needed rebooting. New angle next day. New attempt to kindness. What I've found works best is trying to describe to my partner the vulnerable feeling beneath my resentment or fury (which in themselves don't go down well). We are both constantly hurting and nobody is getting their needs met. The only way forward is finding new approaches. One of them has been splitting for recreation. And here's my main point.
Maybe you could send her off on another trip, not connected to the anniversary disappointment? What about a nice vacation with a friend? That would cost less than if you go together, but is a very loving and generous gesture from you. Be transparent about it. Don't surprise her, involve her.
She feels unloved and disappointed. Show her you love her. Give her some luxury of her own. She might really need it.
Thank you
Submitted by Quercus McGurkus on
Hi Swedish Coast,
Thank you for your response and your transparency. I don’t know you or your situation but I believe your advice and response came from your deep pain and I appreciate your willingness to engage with that pain to respond to someone you don’t know. Thank you.
The anniversary trip was my wife’s idea and when she mentioned it to me i immediately agreed because I knew it would please her and I just wanted her happy with me instead of angry and disappointed. To that point she had been yelling, cursing me, and telling me I was lazy, immature, etc. I had every intention of following through and even without meds of therapy made a good faith effort.
My failure was not bringing her along with me on the planning and not having the courage to face her disappointment if the money was not there. I don’t know what would be worse; the extreme anger now or the low-level dissatisfaction and disappointment for months.
You are right that she feels unloved right now. The things that make her feel loved; travel, eating out, new experiences, concerts, are all out of my reach financially right now. She said she doesn’t like me. She didn't like me unmedicated either. She thinks I'm using my ADHD as an excuse because "God wouldn't make your brain like that." It's possible I am excusing my behavior, I'm not rejecting that, but I don't think so.
Your idea to give her a trip away is a good one. I'll talk to my therapist and see how to get the courage to do that. I'm afraid it would just increase the distance between us. I could get creative and see if I could sell something to fund that trip.
I agree that the cycle of broken promises is draining, exhausting, and very hurtful. She'll need time to heal from that.
Thanks for giving me that advice and saying a difficult to hear truth. I'm broken hearted about my actions unmedicated and undiagnosed and would do anything to be a normal good husband she could be proud of.
So sorry
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Dear Quercus,
Must apologize if I came across as overbearing. English is not my primary language so I have probably been clumsy and blunt. I didn't mean to tell hard to bear truth, I couldn't. Only you know the truth of your situation. Please know that I feel so much compassion reading your post, both for you and your wife. Please accept my apology if I made your load feel heavier.
I know what it can be like when resources (money, health, energy, spirits) are low for extended periods of time. I also think, reading your above post, that you cannot be expected to arrange all those things that your wife wants in life.
What I ask of my husband 18 months after diagnosis is honesty, close communication and willingness to accept his limits without shame. However, I wouldn't expect him to make me happy. (Anyway I believe that whole concept is make-believe, ADHD or not.) The non-ADD partner needs to be brave. Part of that is to design one's own happiness.
I go on my own little trips, courses and the like. I make my own money to pay for it, and I arrange it myself. I come home refreshed, and the family benefits.
It's crucial that your wife informs herself extensively about ADHD. I know I've caused my husband terrible pain over the years when he was undiagnosed. I understood nothing, and his behavior was unrelatable to me. My claims hurt him. I still can't see things from his point of view. Therapy, reading and this forum has educated me to be a slightly less terrible non-ADD spouse.
I would wish for your wife to stop asking things of you that you cannot provide now. Also for her to work with you to make room for happiness in your relationship.
My sincerest best wishes to you.
No need to apologize
Submitted by Quercus McGurkus on
Dear Swedish Coast,
No need to apologize! English is my first language and I struggle using it appropriately. You do an outstanding job with English. I am pretty sure I would not do nearly as well in Swedish :)
Hard to hear truth is nothing to apologize for nor does it increase any load on my end. It's a good thing and something I appreciate very very much. I really wanted to be my wife's hero and be strong. I wanted her to love spending time with me and for her to like the same things I liked. Its entirely possible I was smothering or controlling or something else unhealthy. The we thought of her going away without me hits my insecurities pretty hard. What if she likes it so much she doesn't come back? Why would she come back? I better be really really perfect so she wants to come back.
So no need to apologize. I appreciate your wisdom and your kindness in telling me a good truth. I live in the mountains and we say "shoot me straight" when we want to hear the unbiased plain truth. So thank you so very much for shooting me straight!
I've set an alarm to remind me to ask my therapist about finding the courage to deal with my insecurities and fund that trip. If I remember I'll update you,
Thanks and enjoy your weekend!
QM
Trip
Submitted by Quercus McGurkus on
Hi Swedish Coast,
I wanted to update you like I promised. My wife and 14 yo daughter are going to Washington D.C. to attend a folk life festival and visit the National Gallery this week for three days. We live about 4 or so hours away so fuel costs are minimal, they can take public transportation in the city, and she is staying in her sister's condo since her sister is away on a trip.
I appreciate your comments and encouragement to do that. It helped me think about the trip in a healthy way and while I'm still a little insecure about it I'm not obsessing or worrying to excess. I will have a chance to hang out with our 19 yo daughter who has the same mental issues I have and enjoy time with her before she moves out.
My wife loves to plan trips, attend festivals, and tour museums. I enjoy those because she does but I can quickly get overwhelmed and anxious/nervous due to all the people. Even on my best medicated behavior I can lessen her enjoyment. She is very energized and content and happy today.
Thank you again for your help. You helped me be genuinely excited for her. All the best to you and yours from my valley.
Trip
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Hi Quercus,
Thank you for the update! It makes me genuinely happy that you've chosen to try this out.
I read from your posts a very loving and considerate husband. Turning those good intentions into action is powerful.
Since it became obvious that my husband cannot participate in almost anything, I've grieved. He is overwhelmed all the time. But for me, it is not a reason to split up. On good days, I think we're trying out, delicately, situations that do work and that strengthen the marriage. It includes women-only parties for my big birthdays, having only guests who understand my husband's need for frequent rest and occasional brief trips together to calm and peaceful locations.
The easy recreation close to home is actually the best. Disappointment is so painful when a lot is invested... like family ski trips, massive amount of equipment, ridiculous cost - and then we both wind up unhappy because it was all too much pressure.
I'm happy to hear that your wife enjoys cultural experiences. That is accessible all year round without extensive travel. It also means connecting with a happy bunch of women who know that the best things in life are free.
I hope you and your older daughter enjoy your precious one-on-one time. Something I tend to not do enough of in the bustle of life.
All my best to you!