Hello,
My husband and I have seen our marriage therapist for over a year. We specifically selected her to help us through discernment therapy. Out of this we decided we wanted to stay married and work on ourselves and marriage. During this time I read a couple of Melissa's books and other ADHD and marriage books. My concern is that my husband nor the counselor know much about how ADHD affects our marriage. About a year ago I asked the therapist to do some reading herself and cited this website. As far as I know she didn't and I feel that I need to make the request again for her to gain some additional knowledge and skill about how to keep working with us while weaving in how the ADHD affects us. My question is, how should I phrase this request? We don't want to find a different therapist but the ADHD is like an elephant in the room and I'm the only one who can see it. Thanks.
kats-a
Submitted by c ur self on
Same experience here kats... you should go to the Counselor by yourself, and discuss this....It's not that they aren't aware; it's just that many therapist want get into things that are "fixed" things they feel they can't help with, in a controlled way...If your spouse had only one leg and it offended you and you saw it as an elephant in the room the Counselor couldn't help you with that; other than try to help you accept it; because it isn't going to change....This subject can, and does induce high emotions in those who feel victimized by its effects; even more so than those who feel victimized because they are married to it's effects....The last thing a counselor wants is high emotions, subjection, he said she said, and to lose control of the situation....A one legged man can live pretty normal w/ awareness and concessions' at times....So can an ADHD mind when it's aware also....It's not much that can be done where denial out weighs a healthy awareness...
You may need to seek out a specialist in the area of ADHD, if he is willing....
C
Getting counselor on board
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
I've had a number of people ask me this question and I usually suggest they take my first book, The ADHD Effect on Marriage and give it to the counselor - simply saying "this information has really impacted how I think about my own role in my relationship. The author trains therapists to work with couples impacted by ADHD and knows what she is talking about. Would you mind simply taking a look at this to get a sense of my concerns? I am not looking to blame my husband, rather, I looking to work constructively - with your help - to address an issue which is a very big one." If you have a really good relaitonship with this counselor, you might even say 'which marital and ADHD research suggests is a very big issue for couples." that's a bit tricky, though, as your counselor is supposed to be up on the research and may feel you are putting him/her down.
Just make sure your counselor understands that you are not looking to blame your parnter but, rather, bring out into the open an issue which seems to be impacting you both. It deserves to be investigated in the same way that any other issue you think might be hurting you is investigated.
If that feels uncomfortable, you might consider registering for my next live couples seminar, given by phone (starts Oct. 13, 2016). Because it is very effective at getting both partners to realize that ADHD - and responses to ADHD - are really important in their relationship. If both you and your husband are asking the therapist to become familiar with the information, that could make a difference.
Thank you. I have brought the
Submitted by kats-a on
Thank you. I have brought the book and kept it in my purse because I was missing the courage to be direct. I feel like I can act with those suggestions. I'm so grateful to you and the work you have done!