I am struggling with how best to respond to my husband's instant defensiveness if he feels he's being criticized. He's medicated but I don't feel the meds help much with his emotional outbursts and getting defensive about the smallest things. I've started peri menopause so I'm more moody myself and I do everything I can to treat it and utilize healthy coping/self care. My husband takes meds but doesn't practice much else in terms of self care. He claims he doesn't have time. This frustrates me but I've given up bugging him about it. When I'm feeling more irritable, it's so hard for me to separate and be more understanding of his ups and downs. I get worked up and it never ends peacefully. We argue and then I get very upset/overly sensitive. I hate conflict! He's a good man and I know he tries, but am I missing something? I wish I knew the best way to respond to his frustrations without letting it get the best of me. When i'm in a good place, it's so much easier to deal with! Any input is greatly appreciated! I don't want this to eventually ruin us.
How to best respond to ADHD spouses outbursts/defensiveness.
Submitted by lauraca1 on 08/08/2022.
Same boat
Submitted by Richarda1 on
Hoping someone comments because same here super defensive and then anger issues.
I'm sorry you're in the same
Submitted by lauraca1 on
I'm sorry you're in the same boat! I hope we hear some words of wisdom. I know there isn't an easy solution but I'd love some ideas/encouragement.
I am dealing with similar
Submitted by frayedattheendo... on
I am dealing with similar issues. I am glad to know that I am not alone in feeling like his behavior is too much at times. It is difficult feeling like one always comes last. I hear you say that your husband tries, and I'm sure he does, but it sounds like he is doing the bare minimum. I'm curious, have you seen a couples therapist?
You are not alone!
Submitted by lauraca1 on
We haven't seen one yet. He'd be open to it, so it might be our next step. What's tough is the dynamic we've found ourselves in. I've been battling long Covid the past 2 years, and he has been truly amazing in supporting me...cooking every night, cleaning, walking the dog etc. So when it comes to his own time, it really is challenging lately but self care even prior was always hard for him.
I am sorry to hear you've
Submitted by frayedattheendo... on
I am sorry to hear you've been battling long covid, that sounds very difficult, but I'm glad he's been supportive of you. Have you tried doing something small together that might benefit both of you, like meditation? What an expected challenge this brings to relationships. I sometimes feel guilty thinking that if I'd known how hard it would be I wouldn't have started the relationship to begin with.
Thank you!
Submitted by lauraca1 on
I appreciate that, thank you! I hear you on feeling the guilt. Sometimes I feel guilty hoping he can work on these things when he spends most of his energy outside of work supporting me. That's a good idea to try something small together, like meditation. We have done yoga together actually when I have the energy. If I could steal some of his energy, I'd be set ;) Thank you again!
Same
Submitted by needingstrength on
Currently trying to manage the same. Currently I'm making a huge effort to just hold my tongue and say absolutely nothing. I'll admit I have not been perfect at this. Our cycle seems typical (I attempt to address something, he takes it as an insult and gets angry, I respond defensively, and then he takes personal offense and blames me for his outburst and it's "my fault" in the end). I guess I'm just trying to be aware of the cycle and cut things off (like 100%...complete silence) if he escalates after I address something. Again not perfect but trying.
Thank you
Submitted by lauraca1 on
for that reminder of the cycle! We get in to that pattern too so easily. When I'm in a good place, I'm able to walk away/bite my tongue. It's so hard to know when to speak up and when not to engage. Trying is half the battle, right?!
Yes, I agree. I think us
Submitted by needingstrength on
Yes, I agree. I think us women ebb and flow throughout the month, and as we age and reach the menopause time of life as well. There are times I can be calm and others where I'm just at my wit's end. Also repeating to in my head "it's not him talking it's the adhd" throughout - separating the rage from the person - helps somewhat. The more I learn and study about how he thinks the better I can remain calm on an intellectual level.
Exactly!
Submitted by lauraca1 on
Thank you for that tip! It's helpful to remember. It's nice to know I'm not alone! I really love my husband dearly and hope these tweaks will help us.
Going through similar things
Submitted by Cover2West on
Going through similar things too. Including the peri menopause which is not helping MY temper and makes it more difficult just to step back.
Been with my husband for almost 10 years now. I'll comment here on only his defensiveness and how I try to manage my reactions.
1) I try not to react with exasperation or anger. I know that the "thing" I've finally had it with has happened 10x and I've been able to not say anything about it or just deal with it myself until the LAST TIME and it's been a long day for ME and I'm ALSO tired and just don't want to help any longer. However, no matter how I phrase it or how nice I think I am being he's always, 99% of the time, going to jump down my throat at being asked to please clean up his lunch stuff from the kitchen counter (like ALL OVER IT) so I can make dinner/prep something/fix my lunch, etc. He'll claim that I always am on him about this thing - the kitchen is his hyper-focus of me wanting things clean and not having much patience about it - because it's the KITCHEN. And meanwhile, there's his stuff sitting all along the edge of the kitchen bar and every single bar stool but if I just ask about the counter - that's it, he's off.
2) Once he goes off, I don't say a word, not one thing. Because he'll focus on that and pick it apart. AND if I defend myself, legitimately and with logic (he's not stupid) he'll try to gaslight. He literally told me the other day (see kitchen issue above) that I should consider my moral values because worse things in the world are happening than a messy counter and I'm basically a bad person if I ask him to clean it up. Seriously.
3) He'll calm down after a while and then we can discuss what happened, usually the next day. He'll apologize and he does recognize that what he said was wrong but the lesson will not sink in and the problem will repeat.
So what I did this last time, after he calmed down - surprisingly quickly - was ask him, "What do you want me to do, in a situation in which the space you used needs to cleaned up before I use it?' a) say nothing and just do it myself or b) just shove it aside but not clean it up. I pointed out that I can ask a nicely as possible but he'll generally react the same way as if I'd yelled at him to clean it. So he has left me with only two options. He chose b) just shove it aside but not clean it up. So that's what I'm doing from now on. I know the kitchen will be a mess, but he'll have deal with it. If I cannot cook because of it, well, then, I don't cook. If he asks, I'll point out why. He doesn't see the cause/effect much of the time with his piles.
It makes me frustrated because the kitchen is my last area (other than my office) in which it has remained pretty much my rules - I've let go of entirely the rest of the house and don't ask him to clean/move anything unless people are coming over. Luckily the house isn't a disaster but it can be much, much messier than I like. I've definitely had to be more flexible and accommodating than him, which is frustrating.
Regarding self-care, I've kind of been talking about this with him too. He's been backsliding on this; overdue for dentist, regular doctor (he sees his therapist regularly so that's good), laundry, getting a haircut (I booked this for him and we went out for an afternoon together), brushing his teeth (why is this so hard for ADHD/ADD people?)....he KNOWS he's overdue but cannot get to the point of doing something about it. It's a vicious cycle.
I've learned to read him pretty well by posture alone - if he's sulky and slouchy when I'm home I know just to let him be. If he wants to talk he will. I think stopping our non-ADHD/ADD brains from trying to do the usual thing is the hardest part.
Thank you
Submitted by lauraca1 on
Hi there,
Thank you for your input! I really appreciate it. That sounds very challenging as well. Peri menopause definitely does not help these situations. I do pretty well not responding or remaining calm except when I'm in my luteal phase...all bets are off. I have the hardest time not being critical or responding to his defensiveness or tone of voice. I'm working on it. That's great your partner sees a therapist! My husband is treated with meds and says he's open to therapy but he never follows through. When we get in an argument, he tends to turn it on himself and say he's a failure and can't ever make me happy/do anything right. This isn't true but it's where his head goes. Thanks again for taking the time to respond. I'm sorry for the delay! It's been a busy week. Take care