Submitted by SeekingBalance on 04/13/2020.
I feel very stuck. There has been so much long lasting hurt and anger, caused by actions that continue. I have no idea how to summon up the inclination to change myself as part of the process to save our marriage. I really need to see changes in my ADHD partner first to move forward. I realize this isn't how I should be approaching things, it's just so difficult. How can I shift my mindset and move past the hurt and anger?
Baby steps
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
As hurt and confused as you are, you need to focus on yourself before anything else. This will not be easy since you've been most likely trying to 'see the big picture' (especially since your partner refuses to). Try to start with a very small thing that you do for yourself because you want to. Maybe go see a movie you want to see by yourself or with friends other than your ADHD partner. Don't apologize or fret; just do it. You have to do a small thing to validate that what you want is important and can be done.
I suggest looking through the site for the many posts from 'C ur self' where he discusses setting boundaries in your relationship. These existing solid posts can explain boundaries far better than I can. God bless.
Thank you - Will it get better
Submitted by SeekingBalance on
Thank you. I do think your suggestion will help and I will focus on that today. Lockdown and two jobs and a toddler has made it difficult to find time for myself in the week. But I know it's important. I will find the boundaries posts too. Many thanks.
I really wish I could help
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I really wish I could help you here. I feel like as nons, we put a ton of pressure on ourselves in our relationships already. We do most of the work. We tolerate a lot of uncaring behaviour (intentional or not). We empathize and make allowances that our partners don't notice and appreciate. And then when we finally realize how little our partners are willing or able to do to improve the relationship, we heap further burdens ourselves to be more amazing. We work to change our totally natural and understandable responses to their unacceptable behaviours. We try to let go of anger and resentment that is completely valid. We bend and twist our natural selves and replace loving kindness with boundaries out of necessity. No wonder it's hard or doesn't work at all.
In short, I have not at all figured out how to let the hard feelings go personally. To act as though everything is okay to me would be exactly that... an act. I think I have a right to be angry as long as he has a capacity to improve the relationship and chooses not to do so. Anyway, I digress. I think I have said this before, but just in case, what has helped ME in the realm of "changing myself" is to focus on and nurture myself before the relationship (I nurtured the relationship first for 15 years and that got me nowhere!). Before all the recent social restrictions, I was joining groups and doing things just for me that did not involve him. It was very good for me! Unfortunately that has been set way back as we are both at home 24/7 now. To combat this, I take a 1 hour walk most days where I play podcasts and meditations for my own well-being. This is me-time that is good for body and mind. On occasion my daughter will chat online with her friends or do a school assignment on her own. Even if there is work to be done (isn't there always!?), I grab this precious time to run a bath for myself or watch a half hour of Netflix. It has been infinitely harder to give myself time now that we are all at home together all the time, but I have found ways. And in the hardest moments, I have simply told my family I need a half hour to recharge and they are on their own. I lock the bathroom door and run that bath. He can handle it for a half hour (well, not really, but as long as the house doesn't burn down, right??)
Also, after a couple years of trying, I have found that as much as I want to release that anger you speak of, I personally can't do it as long as I stay in this relationship and he makes no effort. My anger is valid and it has helped just to acknowledge that. Instead, I share my feelings more often in a calm way. No, his behaviour doesn't change but I feel a little less burdened knowing that I've expressed myself. I don't yell... I just say how I feel calmly. I am still angry, but a little less so now that I'm not carrying around as many unexpressed feelings. I finally realized that I have held too much inside for too many years. I thought too many times, "Why say how I feel? Nothing will change." That's true, however, I have allowed myself to feel the feeling and express it. It takes the weight of it down a notch even when nothing changes.
Also, I have mentioned this before, I but I try to minimize my commitments. I live like I'm legitimately single. It helps. I find I take less on and if I can't lessen my burden, I am easier on myself regarding what I accomplish. I find myself actually proud of how I'm doing instead of disappointed that my life doesn't look like that of my couple friends. This actually helps with my anger in a roundabout way because I place few expectations on him.
Of course, this works (as well as it can... it still sucks!) for me and I know it may not for you. Thinking of you... I know how hard this is.
I hear you
Submitted by overwhelmed wif... on
It is possible that you should look at this from a different angle. If you have no idea how to summon up the inclination to change yourself, maybe this is a sign that you are unable to do what you would need to do to save your marriage. That is, the mindset that would save your marriage, after so much long lasting hurt and anger, isn't available to you. Maybe you should explore what that means and be open to the possibility that you are unable to save your marriage.
Hi SB....I feel for you....
Submitted by c ur self on
It's hard to put out the fire; when you are standinging in the flames....
At some point (I finally reached it) we realize the major issue (that's creating all the other dysfunctional isses) is we can't trust our spouse....Once we finally get there...(like I did recently) we can truly relax....I pushed myself, and her for 12 years to meet a standard of love and attachment, that she doesn't want....Always judge yourself, and your spouse by your daily pursuits (the fruit of our lives)...On my phone calender I have a simple message that pops up everyday...It says this, Don't engage what u can't trust!....I read it everyday, now that I have withdrawn from any hope of there being an US.....
It feels so good to have finally mentally and emotionally accepted that she will never care about the work of a marriage.....I've been knowing this for years....But my faith, my pride, my sexual desires, and my bulldogged determination wouldn't let me accept it enough to give up totally....
But now she is on her own....I get out of her presents when she is about to jump up in a mad rush to head off to work (I've been driving down to a place called riverwalk and setting in my car, and playing on facebook) just to make sure she has to be responsible for herself....I've been kind if she speaks, but anything to do w/ us is an emphatic I'm not interested....I will honor my vows, but, I will not seek any fellowship or make no plans with her at all.....
I feel like she will leave at some point....Or she may fall on that face and cry out to God, and let him change her....But either way, what ever she does, will be her idea....
I hope you can find peace....((((hugs))))
c