Hi all,
first post here. I (M, non-ADHD) have a wife who has not (yet) been diagnosed, but shows all the symptoms of ADHD and RSD. Together for 16 years and 3 kids. I have read both books from Melissa, as well as another book (Is it You, Me or ADHD), and 2 other books to work on myself to deal with the parent-child pattern better and take care of myself and my own boundaries better.
For us I think there is a whole lot of unspoken frustration on both sides, so I believe that — even if she would not be diagnosed or treated — a lot could be gained just by communicating more, better and being much more transparent about our own feelings and emotions, and also ask the other about them more. So, even though I have feeling of neglect, not being loved and not being shown interest or attention from my wife for years, I do try to stay positive. "Be the change you want to see in the world" is an inspiring quote to me, and I always keep asking myself "have I done the best I could to make the situation better", and I think at this point I have not. The situation is very very frustrating at times, I absolutely do have to admit, and I would not be surprised if ultimately it does not work out, because I am not the "next shiny thing" anymore. Anyway, I want to give it a shot...
My main question for now is this: my wife regularly shows signs of RSD. It can be the way I look, my voice, mentioning something completely neutral but she starts rolling her eyes to leaving the room or stop talking to me. Or if I just express my opinion and it's not the same as hers. Or, just not understanding what she means when she says something because she forgot to mention a step, or something can have multiple interpretations. Asking what she means has already a high probability to cause annoyance or anger on her side. So, I really do have my fair share on RSD on a very regular basis, unfortunately. But... I try to stay positive (don't get me wrong, I feel absolutely terrible at times because of the whole situation). Now say, I make the decision that her RSD behavior is her responsibility, not mine, so, I can choose not the get sucked into the situation (I try, not easy) and stay calm (also not easy, especially if your buttons are being pushed, or she responds to such small things that I am sometimes speechless as to how completely opposite it is from how I would respond). And so, if I would choose to respond with compassion, and empathy. After all, she's very likely "suffering" from the whole RSD as well. How would I do that? What would I say? How to express yourself in a compassionate and empathetic way? I am struggling to figure out how. Especially since everything is so sensitive. Or is it just basically impossible? My wife does often walk away and if I want to talk about it or try to understand it, she firmly keeps saying "never mind... no... you don't have to say anything".
How do I break this pattern? Can I do something? How?
Thanks!!
You can break the pattern
Submitted by adhd32 on
Boundary time. When she starts do not try to explain anything. When she is calm tell her you will no longer accept her verbal bashing. If she starts hold up your hand and walk away or drive away. Tell her that you will no longer be an audience for her imagined slights and if she can be a big grown up and have a big adult conversation, you will listen. I am sure she does not treat everyone like this so she clearly has self control. You must require her to treat you respectfully. You cannot change her, YOU have to control the situation by what YOU do. She won't like it. If you don't stick up for yourself you will continue on as you are. Don't forget that your children are watching. You are teaching them what to accept from their future partners and what a marriage is supposed to be.
Good one, thank you!
Submitted by mstdn on
Good one, thank you!
This is the answer right here
Submitted by shevrae on
I agree with you 100%. And this is compassionate behavior for the non-partner as well. Self-compassion often gets forgotten as we try to empathize with how hard this condition must be for our partner. But it's hard on us too and we're often not getting a lot of care from our partner about it.
Thank you!
Submitted by mstdn on
Thank you!
Feeling like we need to respond is the problem...
Submitted by c ur self on
Try to see her as an independent agent, when she starts down a road you don't recognize, and you would never go down...First, nothing good will come out of engaging negativity....It's not your's to own, no matter she is your spouse....The walking away and saying never mind is as close as my wife get's to looking in the mirror and trying to take ownership of her emotions...We must let them walk away....
c