Submitted by Sugarlumps83 on 01/07/2023.
I'm pretty sure my husband has ADHD. We've been together for 20 years, but sometimes I'm wanting to throw in the towel. He doesn't even realise it.
I work full time because he was wanting to start his own business, I'm also full time at university and apart from that I have to deal with all the chores, bills etc.
I'm so tired all the time, but it's worse when he has an emotional outburst because he can't cope when the house isn't as tidy as he wants it to be and he doesn't seem to understand that I have a lot on my plate.
He is in the waiting list to see a professional, but it's already been a whole year since I mentioned it.
Any tips?
Be kind to yourself
Submitted by Exhausting on
Sorry you are going through this. You are not alone, and many reading your post will be able to relate to your experiences.
Are you looking for tips to cope day to day, or tips to expedite the medical assessment? Every day is a challenge, but hang in there. You sound like you're doing an awesome job. You're not alone in your struggles, and this forum is a great place if you need to just vent or download. We all understand! x
Yes, I would love a way to
Submitted by Sugarlumps83 on
Yes, I would love a way to make the diagnosis faster, because even though I'm convinced he has ADHD I need to know if there's ways to make it better not just for him but for me too. Even if medication is not involved.
I know that having a cluttered house makes his symptoms worse, but sometimes the housekeeping gets left behind because I have a million other things to do and that's when he has a huge meltdown.
Same come with money, he isn't interested in helping with controlling the finances, he's the first one to spend the money and the first one to complain of not having enough.
How does everyone else deal with it?
He will need to step up
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
It shouldn't be all on you to manage the house or finances so he doesn't have a meltdown. That's not a sustainable strategy because you end up up with all the work and on the receiving end of a meltdown you don't deserve. I've been there. My husband ended up pretty happy, but I'm the one who got sick, depressed and run down. He ended up not taking ADHD meds, but I ended up on anti-depressants to cope with the ADHD havoc. His ADHD is his condition to be primarily managed by him.
If a clean house keeps him calmer, he needs to contribute to keeping the house clean, perhaps with a regular schedule you both agree to, minimalism, etc. With shared finances, he has to be an adult and not spend more than you have - ADHD or not. It's not a fair burden for you to carry alone.
As the one with ADHD (pending diagnosis), he will need to learn how to manage HIS condition himself, while you stay open to ADHD-friendly support strategies (visible calendars, chore division, breaking tasks into manageable chunks, etc.). You can't and shouldn't manage it for him. I get that when you don't, everything falls apart, but that's why treatment is so important. I hope you can get the diagnosis soon.
P.S. If you're both fairly confident it's ADHD, there's no reason you can't read Melissa's book together or take her couples seminar now. I think there are a lot of strategies in both for communication, chore division, finances, etc.
My experience
Submitted by Exhausting on
I can only comment on how it has worked for me, but happy to share my experiences. I am in Australia so it may be different if you're in another country.
As background, I started to question a lot early on in our relationship but it wasn't until I did some extensive reading and research did I come to my own conclusion that my husband could have ADHD. Some questions I started to ask myself came from clues he gave me when telling me about his childhood, such as being "off the charts" hyperactive, never being able to sleep, having to play every sport imaginable to exhaust himself, concentration issues he had in school, behavioural issues etc. This was coupled with what I observed of him as an adult - ie. going from "zero to FU" in a nanosecond, complete overreactions to situations that didn't warrant such outbursts, and the fact that I very quickly seemed to be doing EVERYTHING (yet, never very well it seems). I couldn't understand why he avoided making a telephone call, or filling out a basic form, making an appointment or anything of that nature. When I queried him about this early on, I used to get one of two responses, either "one person, one job" or "if I have to do everything I don't need you" (which I used to get highly offended at but now realise that's just the ADHD bravado talking!). There were lots of other things going on, but what troubled me the most was the emotional dysregulation, the ranting, the blaming and everything in between - all of which was a message to me that the more I did and the harder I tried, the more "useless" I was. I now know this reaction comes from a place of low self-esteem (his, not mine) and the fact that the more control you have (by default mind you) the less control he has so has to assert himself in other ways. Another big issue that has hit us very hard is the finances. Like your situation, he is not interested in controlling the finances, yet wants complete control on how OUR money is spent (even if I don't agree) and then when things don't work out I am accused of deliberately doing something to undermine the plan to hurt him. My husband's ADHD brain thrives on "ideas" (I have never had enough ideas good or otherwise to keep him stimulated enough - another failing) and with ideas come new ventures dreamed up - businesses or investments that we can't afford or are ill-equipped to succeed at. This can very quickly turn into a nightmare, as it did for us. I am constantly juggling; I could write a whole separate post about the sh!t I've had to get us out of due to poor investments and schemes that were always going to fail.
So, with all the emotional high highs and low lows, I encouraged my husband to speak to his GP as H did say he thought he could be depressed. The GP was ok, but they don't really understand mental health issues that well but he did refer H to a psychologist who - after holding a few sessions with my H - concluded he had depression. So H started on anti-depressants. Surprise, surprise, they didn't work as this wasn't the problem. A bit more time passed until we get to the point where he agrees with me that he may have ADHD and so he gets a referral to a psychiatrist. This process was relatively quick - we waited about 3 months for the psychiatrist appointment which I thought was pretty quick. The psychiatrist diagnosed combination type ADHD following an extensive questionnaire and fact finding exercise. Vyvanse was prescribed to help with his focus which has been great for his job; it does nothing to help his emotional dysregulation however which I think needs cognitive behavioural therapy or additional medication but we haven't gone down that road yet. We did also have to experiment with the dose. My H settled on 40mg a day as too high a dose means he can't sleep. It is a bit of trial and error.
What I have learned/realised is that I have had to adjust to the way I do things to make sense to the ADHD brain as it processes things differently. I get it wrong a lot of the time and it is hard for me at least to know how to say things that won't get a rise or be misinterpreted, even after all these years. The lack of support with household chores can be really challenging, however I've come to the conclusion that the ADHD brain literally doesn't see that there's 3 loads of laundry that could go on, particularly if there is a TV show on that is SOOOOO interesting! When you have a hundred and one things to do and they are sitting on the couch oblivious to your workload, or when you've been sick and are still expected to get out of bed and make dinner, as hard as it is you just have to go with it. Identify the things that are the biggest bugbears and address them first. The ADHD brain just doesn't cope with feelings of being overwhelmed or out of control, so if a messy house is a big bugbear in your household, try and reprioritise other chores for the sake of a few hours cleaning. Having said that, I have tried the approach of identifying small chores that I would like H to do. If it's a good day, he will happily do some laundry or stack the dishwasher, but the amount of times I've asked in the past if he could do a particular chore and I just got such a meltdown (which at first I used to think "WTF??") that it has become easier to do it myself. Then you get into the danger zone and controlling everything which can come back to bite you! Lose-lose :)
I'm sorry this has become a bit of a download of my situation, however maybe some of it will resonate with you and you might be able to look at ways to modify how you do things. Unfortunately, you will second guess yourself often as you'll get different reactions to similar approaches depending on what else is going on. It can be a minefield of emotion to navigate!
Please be kind to yourself as this is a complex condition to understand and all the effort you put in will often be unappreciated and seldom recognised. You will feel inadequate but you're absolutely not. Getting a diagnosis is definitely the right path and bear in mind that there is normally something else going on in addition to the ADHD - comorbidity is common with such conditions as depression, bipolar or borderline personality disorder. I suspect my H is on the spectrum also but we haven't looked into this.
Good luck.
That's actually helped, so
Submitted by Sugarlumps83 on
That's actually helped, so much! Your husband sounds a lot like mine. There been times that he's shown up with a new car or a multigym.
Changing jobs so many times and at the end becoming self employed. Which by the way, I also do his invoices.
I'm glad I could help in
Submitted by Exhausting on
I'm glad I could help in sharing my own experiences. Oh yes, we had a small business and I became the instant bookkeeper. He's always preferred to be self-employed, but has had to often work for others with varying degrees of success.
One question..
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
"he can't cope when the house isn't as tidy as he wants it to be and he doesn't seem to understand that I have a lot on my plate."
Is he contributing to keeping the house clean, as he also lives there?
I ask because my ex husband was quick to criticize my housekeeping skills, or lack thereof, yet he never lifted a finger to help. I was responsible for the children and everything else. He took the trash out, and mowed the lawn once a week.
The day to day running of the house was left to me, including the mental load that went with it.
He does help, but he grumbles
Submitted by Sugarlumps83 on
He does help, but he grumbles or gets really angry. For example today I worked a twelve hour shift and when I got home he was very angry because he had to make dinner, clean the bathroom and see the engineer to fix the boiler. I obviously do absolutely f**@ all.
Hi Sugarlumps83
Submitted by c ur self on
After 20 years it's probably obvious to you why he wants to work for himself...Most ADHD men do...I will just say it this way....If I was your husband, and I was bitching at you about clutter...(with your busy schedule) I would hope you would walk up to me with a smile, and kiss me...And as you walk away, I hope you tell me this...."Get your lazy ass up and clean it if it's bothering you"...Then I hope you would ignore or laugh an victim thing I said after that...
It's better than divorce, and it will be educational for him...Never allow yourself to be run over!...
Blessings
c
Often times my ADHD partner
Submitted by Varden on
Often times my ADHD partner expresses life as "I want all the easy routes, and don;t wnt to have to put in any sustained effort, and if it's hard I'm going to breakdown and take you down with me", and it's honestly heartbreaking.
The only thing I can do in these moments is focus on myselrf and do something that makes me happy until her 'moment' passes.
Not very fulfilling
Submitted by adhd32 on
Once the hyper-focus is over, you get a stranger with a 12 year old's mentality in an adult's body. Surprise! Someone who is happy to see you exhaust yourself by carrying 90% of the load while they throw more on to your pile. Many nons endure marriage rather than thrive in their relationship. The bottom line is very few ADDers change forever. Some change for a while then revert back to their maladaptive behaviors, others cannot be bothered.. Some get worse as they age as is my H's case.
The 'moments' you speak of happen more frequently and for longer periods as he has aged, I no longer hope for change or believe any promises. Being married and feeling alone and unloved is one of the worst feelings. Running a home with children and working full-time is draining but doing it with someone who purposely thwarts your efforts because they cannot stand to see you happy and successful is soul crushing. My H takes my achievements, as well as our children's and even some friends' accomplishments as a personal affront. Shouldn’t he be the one clapping the loudest instead of denigrating his friends and his own family when he feels threatened?
Some experts advocate for living separate lives but, really, why bother? If I have to go out alone, feel alone, and do things alone, why keep pretending there is anything left to preserve and cherish?? Accept that ADD spouse will never change, don't believe their empty promises, believe what they do.
Can you do this for 40 more years? Can you spend the rest of your life propping up spouse's ego or holding their feet to the fire in order to get them to do things? Can you live forever knowing your spouse "loves" you because of all the value and convenience you add to their life, not because they want to please you and make you happy?
I second this whole thing
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I nodded the whole way through this.
A bit worried about the generalizations
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
I am a bit worried about your generalizations here. Living with ADHD is a challenge but there are those who learn how to do it either well enough or quite well.