Looking for tips on dealing with RSD. My husband was recently diagnosed in his 40s (after 20 years of marriage) with ADHD. I think the most challenging aspect for me is RSD. We did several years of therapy where the therapist worked on getting my husband to own his behavior (everything was always my fault). Things got better for a few years. He would video our interactions and look for ways that he was being unkind. Recently though I went through a three month mental health crisis. During that time he was very supportive. As soon as I got better and started having boundaries again, things blew up. We've worked through a lot of the logistics of comprising on chores and recreation. However it still feels like things are only peaceful if I take all the blame for everything. This morning he got very upset when I reminded him to take out the trash. He said I was scrunching up my face and showing contempt. What I was feeling was fear he would blow up. He blew up and is refusing to believe that I felt fear rather than contempt. We had a lovely getaway weekend, but during part of it he was doing a lot of correcting of how I talked to him. I think he was spot on in many cases, but this morning I think triggered that anger that I have to speak a certain way and I got angry. I've tried to approach this rationally the last 8 hours, owning my part of it. He keeps insisting that our love must be a lie because in my anger I said that he was correcting me in every conversation. Although I have calmly said what I feel, he keeps saying that either he his completely clueless and blind as to himself and I should divorce him right now, or that I'm just making excuses for myself and not willing to own my own stuff (I think that's what he really believes) because he doesn't want to divorce.
A lot of this cycle is because I am also anxious and get really scared when he's constantly accusing me of being angry with him, or talking about how he "Is or isn't allowed to do things" as if I yell at or berate him which I don't do. I eventually do explode after he won't believe me that I'm not mad at him, or tells me that he knows how I really feel and that I'm not being honest. (Like this morning, when he insisted that I was feeling and treating him with contempt when I calmly, and somewhat apologetically asked him to take out the garbage) I said that my intent was not to be condescending but I could see how my impact was and I was sorry. He still keeps bringing up these extreme examples, refuses to engage with what I'm actually saying, refueses to own anything.
I am hopeful that in a few days he will calm down, but I'm exhausted and wondering how hard I want to fight. He is on Adderall and accepts his diagnosis. Should I encourage him to try Guanfecine. I've sent him articles on RSD, but I don't think he is really ready to own that.
I can just focus on myself and refuse to engage with him when he's like this. Maybe that's the answer? Our teenage daughter was just diagnosed and is doing the same thing to me. The only thing that seems to work is to walk away, but she still holds resentment and accuses me of crazy things after thet face as does my husband. Things are much better than they were, and the RSD explains a lot and maybe why our former therapy wasn't 100% perfect as the therapists treated him more like a narcissist.
Also, I just got the audiobook "The ADD effect on Marriage." Is there a chapter on RSD? I feel like most articles I've read talk about the non-ADHD spouse being more kind and udnerstanding, but our marriage therapists have always told me that I need to own less and he needs to own more.
I don't have any suggestions
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I don't have any suggestions right now, but I want you to know I've read your post and I can relate to what you're going through. I think my ex-spouse has RSD (along with ADHD and anxiety and depression), also. The RSD-type behavior was very hard for me to endure.
I'm almost there
Submitted by Dagmar on
In the past, my husband and I have been to the point where if I looked upset or disappointed, he would verbally attack me. For example, right after the birth of my second child, I needed to step over a baby gate and sighed because I physically couldn't do it. He screamed at me for not even being able to walk into the same room as him without judging him for something. I wasn't judging him! I was sad that my knees didn't work and I had stitches where the sun doesn't shine.
It took me a long time to realize it was RSD and not him just getting angry at me for having emotions. It took him a long time to realize that I wasn't criticizing everything that he was doing. I think that what eventually worked was me telling him over and over again "I am not judging you for not helping, I am asking for help." I don't know how we got past the "tone" part of it. It definitely wasn't me asking him what tone he would like me to use, because apparently that is very insulting.
Now we are at the point where I can just respond to his RSD with "I can be upset about things that aren't you," and he responds with "I'm sorry, I'm just conditioned to think that it's me because of our past," which frankly makes me want to scream, but at least he's not being defiant and angry anymore.
Going through this myself right now
Submitted by needingstrength on
I know this is an older post, but I can relate to much of what you've said here. My husband has ADHD, not medicated. Recently I've learned about RSD and it has been another layer of all of this that make so many of our interactions and fights in the past (and current) make "sense." I completely relate to the cycle you described. I also get anxious/scared when he's constantly accusatory, and our version of "isn't allowed to do things" is more like "I can make my own choices!" I also get accused of not being honest or truthful during the RSD episodes. It's like no amount of tears, apology, or me stating "I was not feeling X (was not "attacking") you, I was feeling Y (anxiety and fear that you will yell at me)" will change his mind. If he's made up his mind that I was being "hostile" or my "tone" was off, or I was "attacking" him, it's game over for the conversation, and really for the whole topic until the end of time. I can completely relate to your anecdote about him insisting you're treating him with contempt when in fact you're presenting yourself calmly. He will accuse me of some pretty crazy stuff sometimes, and it's always over something that is not measurable, such as tone or emotion. And it's always ME who can't let go of the past, and if only I (wife) would let go of the past then he wouldn't be blowing up like this. Even though he references my past offenses in most arguments, it is ME apparently who just won't let things go.
I haven't found a good solution yet but completely disengaging does reduce the fight time. If I say nothing, he has nothing to find offense with. Even with disengaging, he still thinks he is right, so it's really more of me just dropping the matter at hand and moving on on for the sake of the family, even though for days, weeks, even months I will spend time thinking through, trying to make sense of it, analyzing, and crying.
You get it!!
Submitted by vgathright on
Wish we could meet up for moral support. It's really hard. I do agree that disengaging is the only thing that mitigates it. Lately as we have had lots of disagreements over parenting, it's gotten worse to the point where everything I say and do are wrong. Seriously considering letting him take over the parenting of our teen. We've talked divorce, but aren't really in a position to do so. So trying to find a way to be amicable and hold on to self respect. Not easy. Solidarity sister!