I (35M ADHD) and my husband (35M non-adhd) have been together 10 years, 5 married.
We have been going through the same issues for years. We have been going up and down in this same cycle for years and we are both at our wits end.
Cycle:
I do something upsetting, disrespectful, unthoughtful to him.
He gets mad and depressed and explains exactly how he feels and what I did to be shitty.
I understand how he feels and am feeling sad and sorry and empathetic to how he feels and agree that I did something wrong.
I then say how I don't want to do that, how I want to be in the future, try to explain my intentions and how "I didn't mean to do that/treat you like that/make you feel that way".
He gets angry.. cools down enough to try to make things work.
I am in panic, hyper focus mode, I am stressed. Trying to Read amd find all info I can to be different.
Then things feel like they are getting better, time has passed, we have 'normal' days, we have 'fun' together.
I stop working on myself and don't remember what I'm doing.
I do the same thing that makes him mad.
Cycle starts again.
This is the basic outline of what happens.
I have be n diagnosed about a year ago, have been on medication, have been going to a Cognitive behavioral therapist for a year. Nothing seems to be helping. I get that I can just be me and I'm not trying hard enough. I feel like I am trying, but I need to try differently.
Why I suck:
Sleep in and don't get out of bed = our day's timeline is off and we can't do all we wanted. Lazy. Waste time sleeping all day.
Don't plan for things trips, like what we will do throughout the day, I would just wing it.
Don't remember
Don't treat him with respect
Don't show gratitude and understanding of his sacrifices for something I want.
No drive or will power
No self discipline, he always has to be the moral/responsible one
Not doing anything to be different, not different.
Not choosing him, putting him first.
No thought for him when he is away
Bad with money/saving money long term
No hierarchy for topics/importance of things, arguing about little things/off topic/tangents
Do not respect boundaries, when he says no I continue to push
Go on tangents during arguments and poke holes in things he says so I can have a 'win' for more 'right' when it's not what we are talking about even.
What do I do? I'm looking for someone to help with my ADHD. Therapist say to see marriage counseling. Idk how that will help?
I can have epiphanies every day after a fight but it does not help. I can see why I'm not doing well but I can't seem to recognize or remember in the moment. Like I'll do something and then be like oh shit I messed up and he gets upset and we start the cycle.
I'm pretty depressed. He is depressed. We are talking about divorce. I feel like I want to not exist anymore.
Does your therapist have extensive experience with AHDH?
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
What techniques has your therapist had you work on to help you keep yourself 'on track' even with your ADHD symptoms?
There does not seem to be
Submitted by ThereIsNoSpoon on
There does not seem to be much structure surrounding that. He seems to wing it each time. I have been asking for a more structured approach but he seems reluctant. I do no know how to ask for the help I'm seeking, even after trying to explain everything to him. It seems that the more I try to explain the more he is confused.
It takes time
Submitted by shevrae on
My (46 non-ADHD) husband (46 ADHD) was diagnosed about 3 years ago when our 23 year marriage was on the verge of divorce. After the diagnosis a lot of things in our life began to make sense. But while I was really eager to jump into "fixing" everything (which is a regular personality trait of mine), it took him longer to get started and find things that really worked for him. It took him a year and a half to get a coach when I'm sure I suggested it in the first month. What helped us the most was finding the things that were killing our relationship and addressed them. From my perspective the biggest things were his anxiety issues (we were always walking on eggshells to help him manage his mood) and he was not always reliable with the kids (not in a dangerous way, but in a he struggled to remember to pick them up or where to pick them up, even when I texted him specifics earlier in the day). Those were my dealbreakers and they were the top priority in terms of symptom management.
I really think it is unfair to expect someone who has been living their entire life not knowing they have this condition to turn around and change everything about how they approach life in a very short period of time. It is possible that you are trying to change so many things at once that it is overwhelming. But sometimes a relationship is under so much stress that it feels like without immediate major changes it can't continue.
Your husband might be better off with individual counseling if he is willing - someone to validate his experience and help him work through his feelings about your marriage and your diagnosis. Marriage counseling at this stage could just put more pressure on you unless the person has a good understand of ADHD and not all marriage counselors do.
It's hard to change habits you have had for years - the problems themselves and how you try to go about solving them. 3 years into our journey my husband still definitely has ADHD and there are some patterns that are stubborn and have been hard to change. They are frustrating but not relationship killing. And that makes all the difference.
Be gentle with yourself.
At least you believe in ADHD
Submitted by ThereIsNoSpoon on
I feel like he doesn't even see it as being a problem. That j can just get over it. Overcome its challenges. I see it as something I need to work on and that it greatly effects me. He says " why did you forget? Oh because of your ADHD?!? You at a narcissist!"
he’s not speaking appropriately to you
Submitted by honestly on
I found your first post very moving. I'm non ADHD and I felt for the first time that i really felt what the experience of having ADHD was like. You sound so scared and sorry and crushed. And I really don't like the way your partner is speaking to you. My partner has ADHD and whatever the difficulties we have - and there are plenty - I would never speak to him like that. Your partner might be very frustrated, but there seems to be a lack of consideration and respect for you, while he is complaining that you don't show him consideration and respect. It goes both ways!!! I'm just learning about boundaries and I have my own personal triggers but calling you a narcissist seems so hurtful. I, for one, would want to dig into this - okay, maybe you make mistakes but he is not perfect either. Can he see this? If you want to stay together then you both have to meet half way and that includes him being respectful and kind and thoughtful towards you, just as he wants you to be towards him. And if you tend to oversleep, set an alarm. Or get him to make you coffee, if he's the one who wants to be up and at em! And if he wants plans on a trip, let him plan; why should you have to make plans you don't want to make? So long as you're a cheerful participant in the plans he makes I don't see what he is complaining about. If he can't meet you with any flexibility, kindness and tolerance then that's is really not your fault.
Also there is medication. you don't have to do it by willpower!
Question
Submitted by Dagmar on
When you do these things that "suck." How do you react in the moment? Not afterwards. It makes a huge difference if you can stop yourself, or at least own what's going on.
For years, I had to wake up my husband for work (we carpooled, so yes, I had to wake him). Every day he would insist he was awake, and that he didn't need an alarm. Every single day. Eventually, I got through to him and now when I do have to wake him up, he apologizes and thanks me. He still makes the mistake, but I can see that he tried (he set the alarm) and when he screws up, he doesn't make excuses. It's a huge difference.
As a partner without ADHD, I
Submitted by Lonely21 on
As a partner without ADHD, I found your topic very important, as it shows us the vision and anguish of those who have ADHD and want to improve their relationship. From the report, I believe that it would be important to analyze the possibility of changing therapists, as he does not seem to be providing clear and objective help for the situation. Of course, therapy takes time to adjust and work, and switching from one therapist to another cannot be an escape. But sometimes the therapist really doesn't have the necessary experience to handle the situation with even the appropriate connection with the patient. Apart from the issue of the therapist (which must be assessed carefully and maturely, but probably urgently), I believe that being aware of your situation and the implications it brings to the relationship is a great start and that you are looking for treatment is essential. When the partner doesn't care and doesn't seek treatment, it's frustrating and exhausting. And, in practical terms (give your opinions on this, I could be wrong), perhaps it would be productive, at this initial moment, to divide two approaches, one with regard to more objective issues and the other with regard to more subjective issues. To initiate a change, it will be less difficult to start with practical things than with feelings. For example, it is easier to organize yourself to wake up early, as there are mechanisms for this (cell phone, alarm, Alexa, clock...), to save money would it be possible to set up an automatic transfer as soon as you receive your salary? or set an amount of X as a goal to set aside every month as soon as the money appears? Thinking about him when he's away, put a reminder in your diary ("send a message"). If you can demonstrate objective things, your partner will (probably) see your effort as a form of showing affection. Subjective situations are harder to change for sure. So, in my opinion, focus on the things you can do objectively. List them all and create mechanisms (agenda, tickets, routine). If possible, include your partner at this time, asking him what he considers important practical actions. Afterwards you will also be stronger for other situations that are not so objective.