It's been 2 years since I've been with my SO and i'm seeing more and how his ADHD is affecting us and my son ( different dad) .
Most recently it's been financials and i get that we haven't had much coming in and have had to move funds around to manage/budget the household.
So I had put paying my phone bill off a few times, so we had money for groceries. Every time we talked about payday i had it in there to pay and then a week later i would still have the funds in my account and tell him, "i'm not paying my phone again, don't worry. " Now he's coming at me like" why did you never tell me this, you have to tell me this, we need to have a working budget that includes ALL of our bills." Which yes I get, but he had agreed full well, if it comes to phones or food, the latter will be chosen. I can't stress to you how frustrating it is that he doesn't remember those conversations. I feel like i need to write everything down that i say so he can refer back to it when he gets likes this, we are very slowly getting ahead but when he gets so upset, I barely have the energy to argue with him about it. these instances happen all the time and i will admit fully that i have a bit of mom brain, but I know when i tell him.
I feel like i'm getting gaslighted constantly when it comes to communicating with my guy.
I Love him so much, but i'm beginning to feel alot of resentment.
Feeling helpless.
How do I do This?
Submitted by MommaBabs on 03/08/2019.
I suggest taking notes about
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I suggest taking notes about agreements and discussions concerning money. A lot of people do that even when ADHD isn't in the picture. I hope doing so helps. I understand your frustration and fatigue.
Stressful communication.....
Submitted by c ur self on
Hi Mommababs....The ability to have good and accurate recall (memory) of past conversations or events is not a strong suit for so many minds....You would not get stressed out if you were having these same problems w/ and elderly parent or friend suffering w/ dementia....Why? Because you would accept that is was just a fact of life that could not be helped....
As you know (have found out) you don't have to be elderly w/dementia to have the same type memory challenges...When the conversations are attempted under a little stress, (financial issues usually have a little stress involved) to begin with, it makes recall doubly hard for many mind types....
We must never assume we can pick up and discuss what we decided at an earlier date w/ those mind types....(Accepting differences is vital)...It can be frustrating, but, if we accept the limitations in the ability to communicate about past conversations, then we can move forward in the relationship...Even if we never discuss past events....Poison Ivy made a great point....Write down times and dates concerning important agreements or disagreement...And go one step further...Both of you sign it and drop in conversation doc. binder...It can be an eye opener....
C
Some things ruffle our feathers more than others
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I understand, Momma. My husband remembers little I have said to him and I have repeat key information many, many times only to have it forgotten again anyway. It is frustrating. But I seem to be able to do it with reasonable patience. What bothers me more is all the stuff he leaves lying around the house. Underwear. Change. Papers. Food. Plates. It is a hurricane everywhere he has been and if I want it picked up, I have to do it. He will not. He doesn't even seem to see it. Every time I walk into a room, whatever mess he has left is the first thing that jumps out at me and it stabs that old wound, resentment hard. It makes me feel like he doesn't value my time (when I am much busier than he is), our home or my feelings. The point of my story is that I think certain behaviors grate on us more than others. For me, it is the constant mess. For you it is understandably having to repeat things you have said many times (not to mention dealing with uncalled-for anger on his end when you know you were right!). You are just being human and it is frustrating.
I agree it may be helpful to write things down or send texts/e-mails about virtually everything to do with finances. That way you can point to the written word as proof you told him and at least it may cut down on the arguing of whether or not you told him something.
So sorry you are feeling helpless and resentful. Lots of us out here get it. Big hugs.
Melody....The perfect reactions to irresponsible behaviors...
Submitted by c ur self on
It's obvious to me (based on 10 years of marriage, and about 5 years of reading these posts) that what is going on in so many of our spouses minds produce many identical behaviors....This site offers mostly vents about the BS we endure....That's fine, because most of us, feel helpless (just don't know what to do, other than leave) to do anything about it....So, we start accumulating things like anger, resentment, frustration, anxiety, fear etc.....
The past year, our relationship has gotten better overall....She still has add, and she still does many of the add things she has done since day one....So I'm going to try to put down a list of what I've done (and her) to make life more bearable as husband and wife.....First I just want to say I was really messed up (effected emotionally, physically, mentally, in other words, in every way!) by her behaviors those first 4 years....
1) First I had to find healing...I had to realize before anything else, that I could not allow myself to match her behaviors, her emotions....(Get my mind on fixing me, and not her)....
2) I had to start learning how not to enable ( I would pick up behind her, cook, clean, etc..Just trying to be a good husband, waiting for her to step up, but, that never happened)
3) Boundaries...I finally faced the fact we had to have many boundaries in order to stay together...People like our spouses suck the life out of a life mate (If you are a caring person, you will lose yourself, life will become all about them)...So you have to have boundaries, (only tough love do they understand, they want like it, but it must be done) You have to accept this reality of huge differences in thinking and living, if you want the conflict to stop....
4) Maybe not all ( but I had to), of us...But IMO most of us have to come to the place that we are willing to walk away from the marriage...That was a very difficult place to come to for me...For many reasons...But when I finally found peace with leaving (wanted us both to live out the remainder of our lives, in a peaceful place, we had never had that together) it shocked her enough to get her attention....
5) So now, I'm just trying to perfect my behaviors.....When it comes to messes and clutter...I had to learn that, messes want kill you...And I have had to learn to not pick up behind her (So difficult for me)...She will eventually pick stuff up, if I will leave it...If I point it out, only bad things happen...Pointing stuff out is the most difficult to stop...But, I must, (we must)...because it only produces conflict...Because we will never like their answers/replies..(excuses, blame, flipping it etc)...So be wise enough to not go there....If I do say something (point out a mess) from time to time...Say it when things between us are calm, say it once, and ignore any negative response...(walk away)...I've delivered my message in a caring way...I can't make her care.....One of the biggest problems with spouses who live under these circumstances (me) is learning you can't talk to someone about changing how they live, when they have no ability to, or don't care enough to try....So if as a non, we can't shut up, and respect their right to live like they want to and are capable of doing, then we are just as big of problem for them, as they are for us.....
This has boiled down to live and let live...Or go our separate ways....IMO, and in my experience there isn't another option....Not that works....LOL...I tried it all....I think? :)
We must do our part, we must be kind, we must never withhold sex (keep our intimacy alive) no matter what they do.....It's much better to be alone, than it is to be abused or abandoned....
We should share positive things on this site.....(things that can help in difficult marriages).....Most people with add/adhd don't post here..(A few self aware people do, people who refuse to make an excuse for intrusive living) This site offends many of them, because they feel attacked by the posts....
c
Working on yourself first
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Hey C... I agree with a lot of what you have said here. When I started working on myself, separate from my husband, I realized I had some codependent tendencies that weren't serving me or the relationship well. Working on myself has helped me be more assertive, is still helping me learn to prioritize my feelings as highly as I prioritize the feelings of others, and to give a reasonable amount of care to those I love vs. doing so much I burn out. To this end 1. I hired a cleaning service that comes every two weeks, 2. Because unlike your wife, he will never pick up the mess, I still pick things up, but I place them in his bedroom versus dealing with it properly so at least the whole house isn't drowning in mess and I can still have people over and keep a safe/reasonable home for my daughter 2. I no longer help him look for the keys/glasses/wallet/cell phone, etc. he loses multiple times daily (despite the fact that he goes around screaming that no one cares and no one helps him), 4. I don't do his laundry for him anymore 5. I check in with how I feel about things and don't just automatically do the thing that will make everyone else happy if it is not the right thing for me, 6. I am still working on not taking the bait when he gets combative - I now finally see when he is looking to transfer blame for his behaviors from himself to me.
And like you, I have sadly come to a place where I am willing to walk away from the marriage. It took me a long time to get there. I have spent around 8 years out of a 20-year relationship in gut-wrenching turmoil to come to this place where I am willing to leave.
I think it helps to validate the feelings of others on this site because validation is not something that comes our way as "non" spouses very often. For the most part, people in our "real lives" don't understand what it means to live with someone with ADHD. Sadly, I know my family thinks *I* should do a better job managing my husband. If only I would nag more, he would hang that picture... clean that up... finish that project... get a real job. No one understands the extreme loneliness of living with someone who has untreated ADHD. So that is why I offer understanding to Momma and others, even if it isn't so positive. I know how much it helped me to find this site with a bunch of people who actually get it... I didn't have to plead, or overexplain, or give a lesson on the ADHD brain... you guys just got it and it has brought me so much comfort. :)
Your boundaries are right on target IMO....
Submitted by c ur self on
What I have come to realize is most of my pain (our pain) is self inflicted....Because I focus on the promise (vows) vs the reality of the person...I focus on my needs, instead of her refusal or inability that only allows her to see her wants....My desire for love and fellowship from her has caused much self inflicted pain for me.....
But the truth is and always will be....We can't do their part...:)
Blessings Melody
c
That says it all, doesn't it?
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
"We can't do their part"
Most of us sure tried our mightiest! And you're right... that was half our undoing!
Divorce
Submitted by Alone on
I see so many people say that they are ready to leave their marriages. We have been married for over 20years. He wants to live his own life now. He has put a down payment on an apartment. I told him he is going to have to file for a divorce. I don’t agree with that. Things have been awful. But I’m the only one that believes in our marriage vows. For better or worse. He has moved on. It is all about him. He will disappear for hours at a time and miss dinner. When confronted he says why didn’t you let me know. Really? He comes home after 7pm. Everything is my fault. He blames me that for past 2 years he has not been able to scuba dive ( which is his passion) with our son. Guess what he has been in his office at home working most weekends or attending scouting camp outs. So of course it is my fault. I have been kind to him. All I get is hatred!! It is so hard to believe there are such hurtful human beings out there!!! I think our marriage lasted this long only because I catered to him. Wanting to always make him happy. I kept giving and giving but got nothing in return. I grew up in a family where you are responsible adults. He grew up in a family where the kids need to be responsible but the parents don’t. He does not have a close relationship with his family. I guess the apple does not fall far from the tree. Just a venting session. Just awaiting being served my divorce papers.
Care and Respect
Submitted by skriti659 on
I know it must be quiet annoying to you as your husband forget things. But yeah it's a good way to write it out to help him and yourself as well. Try to be patient, he needs you. Don't fight with him try to calm him down.