Hi everyone, I am at my wit's end. After umpteen conversations with my ADHD-diagnosed husband about how the marriage isn't working and I need to move on, I finally had to tell him that I just don't feel love for him anymore. I never wanted to actually have to say this as this causes so much hurt, but things are not moving towards a point where we can separate. We have had so many arguments - him screaming and shouting at me - with the last straw being him punching 4 holes in a wardrobe door a few weeks' ago. I can't take the damage to property as well as everything else! After another blow up the other night when I told him how I was feeling, the next day it's like nothing has happened and I'm sure he thinks that tirade I was subjected to the night before has fixed everything and we are back on good terms. How am I going to get through to him that the marriage is OVER?! I will not leave my home .. we have already talked about putting it on the market .. but he just isn't getting it. Or is it that he is so paralysed at the thought of being without me (who does everything for him!) that he is just blocking it out? I feel so trapped. I have to get away from this madness, the constant walking on egg shells and crazy making behaviour all the time. Thanks.
How do I get through to my ADHD husband?
Submitted by Exhausting on 08/05/2023.
Denial
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
My ex-husband was also in denial it was over. I was very clear about being done and he just acted like nothing had happened. I honestly think he thought if he ignored it that it would go away. The difficulty in these situations is that (at least where I live), you can't make someone leave their home. Like you, he doesn't want to leave... especially since he doesn't want the divorce. Going is like acquiescing so he has every incentive to stay. In my case, my husband was in such denial that I eventually went looking for a rental for myself and my daughter. I chose one and came home and told my husband that we would be leaving because he would not leave or accept it was over. When he realized I was going to sign the rental contract that night and understood how much our daughter would be displaced if I left instead of him, he agreed to be the one to leave. It still took another month for him to go though. I eventually had to set a date for him to leave or else I would be leaving that day with no further conversation.
I think it's normal for our spouses to spend some time in denial. You can read about the emotional stages of divorce and will probably see your husband in them and it will help you see what a realistic timeline might be for getting him to the point you're at. They don't want the divorce and they are shell shocked (even when they shouldn't be!) whereas we have been coming to terms with it for years. We can empathize of course, however, you absolutely need to prioritize YOU right now. If you can afford to buy your husband out of the home, you should see a lawyer to go over your options. You may have to get the separation process legally rolling now if you wish to keep the house and legally force your husband to participate. In my case, I loved my family home, but could not afford it on my own. When my husband finally left, I got it ready to sell. I can't tell you how much I understand not wanting to leave the home you love. I mourned the loss of what I'd hoped would be my "forever home" and honestly still do. I have a hard time looking at any photos where my old house is the backdrop. I tear up just typing that! However, the freedom I have gotten by moving on is priceless. If you can't make him leave, you just may have to show him with your actions that it's over by being the one to leave (only on the advice of a lawyer). Don't underestimate how long he is willing to go on like this. His point in the emotional process and his end game are totally different from yours. My husband could have lived like that for years. I can't stress enough that you should see a lawyer asap. Once you start moving forward tangibly (eg. legally) he may start to take it seriously and see there's no out. He doesn't want this and isn't going to help you move it forward OR make it easy on you.
If he won't go and you won't go, this could take a long time. He has as much right to stay in the house as you do and he probably knows that (mine did!). How we think or hope this process should go and what actually happens are two different things sometimes. :( If you want the divorce, unfortunately you may have to do allllll the heavy lifting and sometimes there are no good options.
I am so sorry for where you are. I know how bad the end feels with a spouse in denial. Those were the darkest times of my life, but I can tell you that over two years out, I am so much happier and healthier. You are going to look back in a year or two and be so proud of yourself for pushing through this hell and doing the right thing for your ultimate health and happiness. ♥️ You can do this!
One note... I am nervous reading about him punching the holes in the wardrobe. If there is ANY chance he could be violent or dangerous, don't mess around with this at all. In that case, home schmome. Get professional help to leave safely period.
Wise words
Submitted by Exhausting on
Thank you, 1Melody1, for your wise words which felt like a warm hug! You have articulated my situation as if it was your own. You have obviously experienced something very similar to what I have been going through for many years. As you say, I have had lots of time to arrive at this decision; he still comes home every night and thinks we are happy families (despite the constant bickering and arguing!). It's crazy stuff.
I am also considering speak to my local Police. Where I live in Australia, we have what are called Domestic Violence Liaison officers who can provide guidance and support in these situations. It is time.
I will take on board your advice - it is sensible and pragmatic. I have put others before myself for too long. It's a journey for sure!!!
Lawyer up
Submitted by adhd32 on
Get a lawyer to learn your options, you don't want to make any moves that jeopardize your future. Listen to Melody she is quite experienced. There is no changing your spouse at this point. He has decided, now you have to. Seems punching holes is a big red flag, you may want to document this type of abusive behavior. That is what it is ABUSE. He is using menacing behavior to try and control you. You may not even be aware of it since it sounds as though it has become somewhat routine. A lawyer can help you plan your exit for the best outcome. It is going to hurt, you will second guess yourself but the rest of your life is waiting for you to live in peace.
Thank you for your advice -
Submitted by Exhausting on
Thank you for your advice - again very wise words. I have definitely documented everything - I have photos, notes and even recordings I have made over the years. You are right - it has become routine and I have unfortunately enabled the behaviour to keep the peace.
Him comfortable in this
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Hi, my marriage is at this point close to yours in falling apart. Your story resonates with me. I'm amazed at how after all that's been said, my husband still acts like he's comfortable at home?
I feel like the weight of our differences and the accumulated resentment poisons the house and I don't want to be at home anymore. He still seems to wake up every morning fresh, discover he has a wife, children, coffee maker. I'm so baffled at this. Sure, he's not happy either. But it's like yesterday is always erased for him. Whether we've had a better or worse spot is not visible in him.
The most heartbreaking thing is he still says he loves me. I've felt unlovable for so long I just can't imagine it. Our relationship makes me an extremely unattractive version of myself, always tense and ready to snap. I don't trust him and I reject all he comes up with.
But he still loves me. I can't wrap my head around it. I'd give anything to be able to erase and start every day fresh like he seems to do. Instead, memories of his mindless angry and defensive outbursts float around me at all times. How he bends reality to fit his feelings. How he makes up things. It's so frightening. I can't ever forget it, not at any time of day or night.
Oh wow you are so accurate.
Submitted by Exhausting on
Oh wow you are so accurate. Thank you for sharing your story. It completely resonates with me. Take care.
I can empathize
Submitted by doghome on
I am in the same situation of marriage on the brink. One day we agree to split and then the next day is like a new day. I tell him I feel like Im living the movie "50 first dates"
He is not the angry one though, Im ashamed to admit Im the one who used to yell, now theres no point. I just try to be more understanding and live from my heart and not my head, but its killing me and I feel he gets to live life while Im the one dealing with the adhd more than he is