I divorced my ADD husband 10 years ago. We remained in touch because of the kids, and now the anger and pain have cooled and we are good friends. He wants to move back in with me when he retires in a couple of years. We have fun together and get along well, but ONLY because he doesn't live here and I put no pressure at all on him. When he stays the weekend (he has no interest in any kind of intimacy), I think of him as a guest; if he does some thing to help out (he likes to cook, and does a few repair jobs) I thank him. HOWEVER, if he moves back in, I don't want a permanent house guest; he will have to have some responsibilities, and that's where the trouble will start. He swears he's changed, but how can I know? He still does irritating things like interrupt me mid-sentence.
Every time I seriously consider letting him move back, I have nightmares of all the pain and misery..I wake up crying.. How can I get over that? How can he prove that he's changed before he gets back into my house (last time it took a year to pry him out). He won't discuss the past, and thinks we should just forget everything that happened before (it's etched into my mind; I can't forget).. If I bring up an incident, he doesn't remember it, or remembers it differently than I do, and just says "If I did that, it wasn't intentional". If he doesn't remember the past, takes no responsibility for it, and has that disconnect between his intentions and actions, how can he change? How can I trust him again? Should I ever trust him again?
Nope
Submitted by Jimbo on
Don't trust him. If he made you divorce him and he didn't change, he hasn't change now. Good intentions don't mean much.
Thanks
Submitted by Lynnw on
That's my thinking, too. He seems so much easier to get along with these days, and he says he's improved so much in the time we've been apart, but who knows what will come out as soon as I start asking for anything. I've known him for 40 years, and he's still a closed book to me.
I have another question: he does great at work. No problems at all; he's got a very bossy boss, but never gets mad about being ordered around all day, he is organized, works like a demon, doesn't forget things, never takes a sick day. It's just with me that he was so difficult; in the past, something as mundane as a polite request to clear his stuff off the dining room table would get a nasty response.. Is it because we had (or should have had) an emotional attachment? He has said things in the past that made me think he is afraid of me. Is it because I asked him for honesty, openness, and intimacy? They seem to be the 3 things that make him most uncomfortable and he has the hardest time expressing. But they are the things I need most.
They are all three problem
Submitted by Jimbo on
They are all three problem areas in ADHD to my understanding. My wife is improving on these but back slides (as we all do) from time to time.