Hi everyone, it is my first time posting here. I've been reading many of your posts and they have helped tremendously. Here is my story I'm the nonADHD partner.
I met this wonderful man in November, we met online and instantly fell into this intimacy as if we knew each other for years. We spent every free moment together, we talked on the phone for hours every day, we skyped whenever we didn’t see each other. Then I started noticing he would make some off color comments (for example about me having hairy arms), he would lose focus when I would tell him about my day, but at the same time he learned every detail about me and my life, my family, my work so I know he paid attention (he would watch my family home movies nonstop). He would act angrily sometimes or blow up during traffic, he would wake up around 4:30 am on a weekend night and turn on the light and walk around his room and eat a snack (while I looked at him confused from bed). He could never decide what he wanted to eat (Chinese, Italian, Cuban, maybe he could cook something?) he was never very affectionate, kissing wasn't something he enjoyed, even being intimate was at times a problem because he would lose his erection or not be able to finish. He was impulsive, in all aspects of his life. But I fell for him anyways and I would love to understand more about ADHD.
Anyways, I soon realized something was up and he himself admitted that besides being diagnosed with Tourettes (he only has tics no verbal outbursts) when he was young he was also diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety. Never took medication because he was afraid of what it would do to his personality and other side effects.
It has been 3 months that we’ve known each other and last week was the first time that he didn’t call me on the dot at 3:35 pm (I get off work at 3:30) and he didn’t text me or call me later either. I let it go for about 4 days and then texted him and he called me and came over the next day. Now it has been another 2 days and I haven’t heard from him. He replied dismissively to my text yesterday and then didn’t call me or text me. He did pull away from me twice before saying he needed his space, that he had a lot going on but the next day or at the most 3 days later he would call me back to "reconnect"
Today I texted him and haven’t heard back. We never agreed to be boyfriend and girlfriend, we were just taking it one day at a time but I really like this guy and I would like to know if he ever had similar feelings for me, if he ever could, is he ignoring me because he’s not into me anymore? Will he ever be? Once his attention is elsewhere will he ever think of me again? I don’t like sounding so needy. I have a lot to give and I bring a lot to the table in a relationship. I just really like him but have no idea if he likes me and is just distracted by his ADHD? Or if he never really liked me to begin with? Should I keep trying to contact him? Should I stop before I become more invested? So many questions
Hyperfocus
Submitted by kellyj on
Hi Confused85,
You asked a lot of questions here, and as I hear you....you are just trying to sort this all out? I don't want to skip over the main thing you are trying to determine, but I can only answer one thing you are wondering about and that has to do with the hyper focus question. This may help answer some of the other questions you are wondering about as well. By the way....I'm the one with ADHD so I can speak to this much at the very least.
What is hyper focus really? Simply put (in my own words based on what I know personally about this) "The ability to redirect your focus in an intense (singular) way at the exclusion of everything else"
When you do people with ADHD do this? All the time.
How long do you stay in hyper focus? As long as you need to.
Why? That's a good question but requires a really long answer.
I will say...part of it is a way to rest your brain since it is bombarded with so many thoughts swimming around in your head all the time....that it's way to take a break from them for a while and focus on something enjoyable what ever that may be. It's a vacation temporarily from a thousand ideas and thought coming in unfiltered and reducing them down to just one. In respect to those who don't know what this is like....picture yourself running a marathon and pulling over for a short time to recover so you can go back and keep running again.
Part of it (at times) is required to think or concentrate on something that is important or necessary and the only way to filter those thoughts again is to hyper focus to think or get something done that requires decisions and mental work to figure out. Picture yourself trying to memorize a phone number someone is telling you...while someone else is randomly spewing numbers out verbally at the same time just to mess you up and throw your concentration off and confound you while you are trying to remember JUST the phone number itself and not all the other ones being thrown out at random. Hyper focus allows you to filter out this annoying person who is throwing out all those numbers out to mess and making this more difficult.
Part of it....is just there when you don't want it and actually messes you up for no good reason at all. It happens when you don't want it to...and it happens when you do but it happens on it's own sometimes and you are not even aware of it but it's usually directed towards things of interest or you enjoy and directed away form things you don't.
The most important aspect about this for you to try and understand is....it is about the "moment" and whatever is happening at the time. That means for example....the reason he doesn't call you back for example....is not about you if that's what's happening. It's because he is doing other things in the moment where ever he is (like work or school or anything that requires attention.....and he's hyper focused on those things because he needs to to be able to function or perform as needed ...."in the moment"..."at the time". It's an "on demand" type thing and the demand is always "in the moment."
So for example...taking what I said about being "at the exclusion of everything else"....I'm being literal here. It really is....at the exclusion of EVERYTHING else! That means...if you aren't with him and he is somewhere else doing something......you are part of EVERYTHING else at that moment. When he is with you and he's hyper focused on you......your it! There is nothing else.
I know that doesn't make you feel very important in one aspect when you aren't IT at the time. But at least you can not take it personally because it isn't. It also literally....has nothing to do with you. You can immediately discount any: implications involving you, any inferences involving you or any meaning what so ever that has to do with you as to the reasons "why" he does this that is connected to you in any way.
That doesn't mean that you don't feel these things or think that it's odd or unusual or feel that he isn't paying attention to you or thinking about you because at these times because he's not. Plain and simple. But after he comes back out of it and returns to the normal thousand of thoughts racing through his brain again....I would guess if he is really interested in you as it sounds.....you will be the first thing he thinks of when he gets the chance and be at the top of the list.
Saying this another way.....you ARE at the top of his list of things to think about....but if he has to think about something else especially when your not with him....there is NO list of things he's thinking about during hyper focus in the moment. Only one
Like I said....intense, singular focus...."ONE" thing at a time..... not two, three, four etc.........at the exclusion of everything else.
I hope that helps demystify this a little better so you don't immediately assume it has something to do with you because it really doesn't at all. Try not to take it personally and ask him about this. I'll bet if he's thought about it...he will say something similar in his own words. If he doesn't....then he's not really come to understanding exactly what it is himself. If he tells you something different....it's not that he's lying or even trying to cover it up but more that he just doesn't know and can't explain it to you..... yet he's aware of it to a certain degree and it's still a mystery for him too.
The rest of these things your are asking I'm going to step aside here because there are too many things that you asked that could be other things as well.
J
Hi JJamieson,
Submitted by Confused85 on
Hi JJamieson,
Thanks so much for taking the time to respond to my post and in such a helpful way. It was great to read your examples about placing myself in his shoes and trying to see things from his point of view and what hyper focus might feel like for a person with ADHD because I have been hurt by his behavior before.
I guess what upsets me the most is the sudden way in which he dropped me. Going from talking to someone at the same time every day and spending every weekend with him for weeks, it feels so sudden and out of nowhere. I always knew what time to expect his calls and we had a routine but since it got broken a few days ago I'm at a loss because part of me thinks "he's been so reliable for so long, why did he change all of a sudden?" and part of me thinks ,or hopes, that it is due to his ADHD.
Also, he's not working at this time because he had some conflict with people at work and decided to quit before finding another job. I know he's got plenty of time during the day. I just don't know if he ever thinks about me.
I'd love to know what to do, remind him that I exist? or let him come to me (if he ever does) I know each relationship is different and I certainly don't expect a miracle but I'm just so doubtful about everything. I miss him and our laughs, singing together and our crazy conversations at 4 in the morning...I just don't know what's real and what's not.
Anyways, thanks for letting me vent.
Just a Passing Thought
Submitted by kellyj on
I want to take responsibility here to your over all concern. What I said is about hyper focus only. I also don't want to blow smoke up your skirt ( or dress, or pants leg:)
This is relatively new relationship and anything is possible. I'd ask him and see what he says. It may have nothing to do with hyper focus at all.....but if it does, there are plenty of posts and information on this phenomenon on this forum and it wouldn't be that uncommon. I'll leave you with that but I am hoping that you are right and it is the hyper focus and not something else. Good luck.
J
Good morning beauty,
Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on
Good morning beauty,
I have been married for 26 years and I was my boyfriend's EVERYTHING. He wrote me every two days, wrote me poetry and even built a shrine to me full of my pictures. I fell in love with that since I loved the attention. After we got married it all changed. Does he still love me? Yes. Does he tell me all the time. Yes. Does he show it. No. He knows it too. It hurts because you choose someone based on how they make you feel and their actions. Over those 26 years I have been through all the emotions. IS it me? Does he not find me attractive? Is he cheating? Am I a bad wife? I am hear to tell you IT IS NOT ABOUT ME. It does feel rotten to know that now I am not at the top of his list sorta speak. In his mind I am but he does not bend over backwards or go out of his way the way he did before. He would die for me in a heartbeat.
So you are not even at the dating part yet and you see signs. Also, the fact that he has conflicts with people at work is huge. My husband can't hold a job because of it.
Think long and hard about this. These signs may be a blessing. The temper issues and intimacy issues get worse without acknowledgement. A man/woman with ADHD may be a great bowling partner but not a spouse and if you are someone who has low self-esteem and needs reassurance to feel loved and special...do your self a favor and learn to have a long romance with yourself first.
Something you said rang with me: "Should I remind him that I exist?" If you are special to someone, that is never necessary. If someone wants to be with you, you never have to ask them to make time for you or beg them to "see" you. That could be what you are headed for. I have stopped acting like a "needy" wife since its disappointing to me. The things that are only logical, like checking on your wife while she is sleepy and driving 5 hours on Rt 95, are not his first thought. Does it bother me? Yes, since I would NEVER do that to him, but does it mean he doesn't love me. Of course not. So baby, weigh the costs and figure out what YOU WANT and not what you are willing to tolerate just to have someone tell you they love you.